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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 20, 2008 4:52:52 GMT
I smiled a little bit at her first comment and then nodded slightly at what she said next. I always did think that too and honestly, I could trust her with anything. It was rare when I did actually hide something from her.
The small smile I had on my face, faded away at what she said next. I don't know why, but after everything she's said, that hurt the most. I felt my heart drop slgihtly and just leaned a little more against the tree, with my arms crossed infront of me. I nodded faintly, unsure of what to say to that. ".. Okay." It's always been you.. "... So you just.. don't trust me?" I asked after a few moments, letting what she said sink in slightly.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 2:34:46 GMT
I wince again slightly, wondering when exactly would have been the best point to stop talking.
"Well, not... no. I do trust you, I just... don't feel that close to you." I shrug, trying to think how best to explain this. "I mean, there are things that you say to your friends that you don't say to strangers in the supermarket... and things you say to close friends but not others. It's nothing to do with you and I don't know why it is... but when I have something to talk about, something important, you're just not the person I think of. And if there's any way at all to convince you that I really don't mean for this to be hurtful, let me know."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 2:45:22 GMT
I pulled my knees up to my chest, leaning my elbows on them and running my hand slightly through my hair as she spoke. I didn't think I could feel any worse today, but I guess that I was wrong. I felt like my best friend was breaking up with me. Telling me that she basically didn't want me there. Which I really didn't think she was saying, she was just merely explaining to me and I was pretty sure that was it.
"I didn't think you meant it to be hurtful.." I said quietly, looking down at the grass now, instead of up at her like I had been doing. ".. Even if it was..." I added a moment later. At least she trusted me... It was worth something. "I just.. don't see how I'm not more than just a close friend.. I'm sorry that I just can't understand this.." I told her quietly, shaking my head a little bit with a small sigh. ".. Who is the person you think of then?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 2:57:29 GMT
"Mainly Ian," I shrug with a short 'huh' of inexplicable laughter. "Who up and disappeared with no explanation or warning, as I am now pretty doing to you, so how ironic is that?"
I shake my head, laughing briefly again and toying with the idea that I've snapped because all of a sudden I am also on the verge of tears. Ir's been a few weeks since I exploded or cried, I believe, so I suppose such a thing is inevitable... helped along by the very strong urge to give him a hug and apologize. I'm trying to ignore the existence of the urge to kiss him again as well, and instead just sink down so that I'm sitting cross-legged on the ground, shaking my head a bit more.
"It's really quite interesting that as much as I'm aware how much I never change, it still takes me by surprise sometimes, isn't it?" I ask rhetorically.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 3:06:50 GMT
I looked up to her again, slightly more sympathetic now that she's said that. Even though I feel like she wouldn't do the same thing if she knows how much it hurts. I just shrugged faintly, not knowing what to say to that question. ".. Sort of... yeah.." I said quietly with a small nod after a moment. ".. I'm really sorry about him leaving like that though.." I added sort of softly, keeping my eyes on her now.
I notice that she seems to be slightly on the verge of tears and I watched her as she sunk down, now sitting on the ground. "... I dunno really.." I said with a faint shrug. "Not really sure what meant by it.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 3:12:36 GMT
"That's okay," I shrug, sighing a little and shaking my head. "Neither did I."
I draw my knees up slightly so I can put my elbows there, hands interlaced to rest my forehead against my thumbs, and don't say anything more for a bit.
It really is ridiculous how much I never change, and never seem to learn, despite my excessive self-knowledge. But now that I've finally reached the border of hysteria, this situation is feeling more and more familiar - it's the same thing that I've always done when someone I relied on disappeared. I really do need to come up with an alternative.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 3:16:25 GMT
I watched her as she rested her head against her hands and stood up a moment later walking next to her before sitting down. I put a hand gently on her shoulder, thinking now that she probably doesn't even want me over her and would've rather I just stayed where I was.
"Are you sure you're okay, Arden?" I asked her quietly a moment later, taking my hand off her shortly after that, thinking she probably wouldn't want it there either.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 3:26:08 GMT
"Not really at the moment," I shrug, with another not-really-a-laugh. But then I shake my head, raising it off of my hands and sitting cross-legged again.
"But, really, I'm fine." I look over at him now with a very faint smile, appreciating more than I can say the touch on my shoulder even though it's gone now. "And I'm sorry... really sorry. Just another mild breakdown where I didn't quite mean everything I said," I add, running a hand over my forehead.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 3:31:02 GMT
I felt like I was getting mixed signals from her. She wasn't okay, but she was fine? So was she or wasn't she? But nevertheless, I smiled back to her when she smiled faintly to me again.
I shook my head a little bit, "It's okay.. Though, at least before I knew what you thought.. now I really have no idea what you meant and what you didn't..." I said with a small sigh as she ran a hand over her forehead.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 3:37:59 GMT
"Again... welcome to the club." I laugh faintly in a thoroughly unamused way. "You know... I usually forget that roughly half my brain cells got scrambled around eleven years ago. Maybe I should warn people of that a little more often." And then start apologizing thoroughly anyway instead of just leaning on excuses, I add silently, realizing that I haven't really conveyed the true depth of just how sorry I am for what I've said.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 3:42:31 GMT
"Thanks I guess."I smiled very faintly with a small nod, still wondering which parts she meant or not ebfore realising that it really didn't matter much. "Eh.. I don't really think about that when I talk to you... but if you think you should.." I said quietly, looking over to her again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 3:48:19 GMT
"Whatever will keep you from taking me seriously," I shrug, interlacing my hands.
To be honest, now that I've reflected on it, most of what I said really is true, but could have been said with a lot more tact and less confusion. And the rest I'm just not sure about.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 3:50:43 GMT
I shrugged a little, "I usually don't take you seriously.." I said with a small nod, Except for today.., I thought to myself as I glanced over to her again.
"Just.. I don't want you to feel bad for telling me the truth, okay?" I asked her a moment or two later. "I had to hear it eventually anyway.." I added, now feeling kind of like I wanted to hug her... for some reason that I wasn't sure of.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 3:55:04 GMT
"I suppose...." I agree, eyes dropping to my hands. "I just hope you didn't miss the bits of truth hidden in there that weren't... kind of awful."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 3:56:51 GMT
"Other than the fact that I'm still a close friend, I really can't think of anything that wasn't..." I said quietly, glacing down to the grass again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 4:03:02 GMT
"... No, neither can I, other than variations on that," I say after a moment of looking back. "So... just don't forget that part's true, too."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 4:05:58 GMT
I nodded a little bit. "Promise.." I said in the same voice I'd be speaking in all day with her. ".. Would it be okay if I just hugged you.. or something?" I asked looking overto her again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 21, 2008 4:12:37 GMT
I smile faintly. "Would've hugged you already if we weren't sitting down, because that's always awkward."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 21, 2008 4:15:35 GMT
I laughed a little and shrugged. "I don't mind akward... unless you wanna stand up.." I said with a faint smile back.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 22, 2008 2:32:56 GMT
"Might be a little bit weird...." I laugh very slightly, looking down at my hands again. "... Tell you what. I'll give you a hug goodbye, all right?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 22, 2008 2:35:49 GMT
I laughed a little bit and nodded, "Yeah, I guess so." I smiled slightly. ".. Okay.. that sounds all right.." I paused for a moment before looking back to her. "You mean goodbye for now? Or goodbye, goodbye?" I asked, hoping that would make sense to her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 22, 2008 2:40:21 GMT
I bite my lip again. "Well... effectively both. I can't say I'm planning to run into you again anytime before I leave. So... I guess that would make it the second one."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 22, 2008 2:43:36 GMT
I frowned slightly, letting my eyes stay on the ground and just nodding faintly. "Well.. I'm gonna see you again, right?" I asked her quietly, glancing to her for a moment.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 22, 2008 2:50:14 GMT
"Eventually," I nod, shrugging. "I told you, I'll come back." If I even leave.... Should I leave?
I hate how my iron conviction has turned out to be no stronger than a balloon yet again... not quite burst but pretty close to doing so.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 22, 2008 2:53:46 GMT
"Okay.." I said, nodding faintly for a moment, "... You promise you're going to come back?" I asked just wanting to be sure, feeling slightly apprehensive about it.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 22, 2008 2:58:27 GMT
"Swear it," I nod. "Unless I get eaten by a dragon or something of the sort," I add, not wanting to swear something I can't really guarantee. "But other than that, yes... I'll be back. My family's here, right? So of course I'll be back."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 22, 2008 3:01:18 GMT
I smiled slightly, "Well, please don't get eaten by a dragon." I said with a slightly amused tone in my voice. "And yeah.. I guess so.. good.. be sure to find me and tell me when you're back."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 22, 2008 3:08:21 GMT
I hesitate for the briefest of seconds, then nod, smiling slightly. "I can do that... and I will. Or I will be careful and try not to get eaten, at the very least."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Aug 22, 2008 3:10:29 GMT
"Thanks." I said with a faint smile. "I'd appreciate both though.. and if not just for me, for Ella and Lottie. I think they're gonna miss you.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 22, 2008 3:22:33 GMT
"Because I'm really around so terribly often...." I laugh slightly, remembering my earlier realization what an awful godmother I am... and realizing now that I haven't even seen Ella since she was recovered.
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