Confusing Thoughts;; [Arden]

[Riley Pearson]

I really couldn't believe that she would do this me. She had already cheated on me and she had definately already been in love [not to mention probably still is in love] with my cousin.. and has left me for her, what I feel like was more than once. She not only just kissed her, but as slept with her, mutiple times. And every single time I was right there forgiving her. Well, basically forgiving her after a little while. I was the one telling her that I loved her, that I didn't want to leave her. That we could get through this because we both loved eachother more than anything and we could do it. Everyone has tuff times, things will get better. Maybe I was wrong.

As soon as I kiss, only kiss, Arden a couple times she acts as if I've run off with her. Which wasn't even close to what really happend. Then once I get things almost a little better, I go and use Arden's name instead of Riyann when I tell her I love her. I know that doesn't sound too good, but I honestly think it was a mistake, and was it really as bad as Riyann and Shelby? I didn't really think so. I tried to fix it again, but no, it just wasn't going to happen, especially once I got my own wand drawn at me by my wife. It's not the best feeling and I really don't understand how she could snap, just like that.

How could she be such a hyporcrite about this? How could she just do this to me? I wanted to work things out. I tried to make things better; But I just couldn't see it happening now. I never thought in a million years that I would think about leaving her. But here I was. I was thinking it and I wasn't sure what to do anymore. She didn't want me to have the kids and if she isn't sane, I'm not letting her near the kids without myself or someone else close by to watch her. This situation just wasn't fair in my eyes. But since when is life fair I guess...

This was an innocent mistake. Innocent enough at least. I really didn't even think that I loved Arden. Really liked her, yes, but loved her? I honestly didn't think so. But who knows maybe I'm just in denial and that really is the case. Maybe that was the reason why I messed things up again. Why I kissed her. And why I accidently said that I loved her. It really did make a lot of sense. Maybe Riyann and I just weren't meant to be.

The rest of this situation was all the same. Confusing. I never knew my life could get so messed up. Just when I thought everything was getting better, I went and messed it all up again. Maybe this was what Riyann felt like all those times when she made mistakes. When she called herself a screw up. The only difference being that no matter who made the mistake, I semed to always be the one who was apoligising, the one who was trying to fix things, or just saying that it was okay and everything was going to be fine.

I looked over at the Shrieking Shack, which was just sitting infront of me as I rested my head slightly against a nearby tree. All of this thinking was giving me a small headache, which the bright sun seemed to be making worse by the minute. It was a completely beautiful day and for the first time in my life, I just wasn't in the mood for it. Why couldn't it just be raining? Or storming? Then again, maybe I should just go to a bar. That way, it wouldn't even matter what the weather was and I bet I would feel a lot better... especially when it got my mind off this. I pushed the thought from my mind a few moments later, deciding against it. Drinking was only a temporary solution and I didn't want to have to subject anyone I ran into, to that.

So I just continued sitting where I was, being positive that if someone saw me right now they'd notice I wasn't in the best mood or that I was depressed and felt genuinely messed up. I hate this... I thought to myself with a small frown, rubbing the back of my neck slightly, wishing I could just rewind and forget any of this ever happend.

[[ gahh, sorry jennie... i rambled... your reply doesn't have to be this long, lol, especially because this wasn't very good at all, lol ]]

[Arden Patricks]

((Sleeping is your friend, m’dear. That is all I have to say.))

The shrieking shack, I note almost wearily as I approach it… as if I didn’t know where I was going up ‘til now. Isn’t this getting just a little old? Kind of like you are? Or at least too old to be hanging around in creepy places when you get upset? Go back… back to the library, something like that.

Because the conversation isn’t really between two different consciousnesses, the reply comes well before I’ve finished the last sentence. But I stop to phrase it anyway, as if performing this all for some audience.

I can’t. It’s not safe there anymore, either.

I nearly roll my eyes at myself even as I think this, and make my next thought more of an order than suggestion, as from a parent to a child. Go home then.

I pause, sigh a little, and then nod. I am getting ridiculous. Home’s a good idea.

But I pause yet again in the midst of turning around. Ah, screw it. What can it hurt, since I’m already here?

There are no words but ‘I told you so,’ which doesn’t really cut it, for the fact that Riley’s sitting there when I finally do get close. If I wasn't so busy being shocked I think I'd turn around immediately.

[Riley Pearson]

[[ lol.. yeah.. i'll agree with you.. you should've seen it before though.. lol xD ]]

I heard footsteps coming from behind me and I pulled myself from my thoughts. Turning around, for some reason, I really wasn't too surprised that it was Arden I saw. I should've remembered that she started coming here a lot, but I guess it didn't really cross my mind at the time.
According to Riyann, Arden loved me, but I really couldn't tell if that was true or not. I knew she liked me.. but loved me? I had a feeling we were on the same level with how we felt. Not really love, at least we didn't think, but like. If that makes sense.
I raised my hand slightly to her, in a slight gesture of a wave giving her a weak smile.

[Arden Patricks]

((Lol... maybe best I didn't?))

I attempt a smile in return, but I imagine that it looks a bit too pained to be anything but a grimace, really, so I stop and look down at the ground.
Rude to walk away, or worse to just stay here?
I debate that very briefly, then shrug. Rude to walk away.
With a sigh of resignation, I look up again and nod. "... Hey."

[Riley Pearson]

[[ lol.. yes. that would be best ]]

"Hey.." I said quietly back to her after a moment. I wasn't really surprised that she hesitated and I bit my lip a little bit after I spoke.
".. You can come closer you know.." I said another moment or two later as I looked over at her. There wasn't much harm in it now anyway. It's not like this could get anymore messed up.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug, not replying to that right away.
To be honest, I've been getting more and more annoyed with him over the last few weeks and especially the last couple of days. At times, it even seems a little closer to anger than just irritation - which of course is really odd considering the whole wanting-to-kiss-him thing... but there you go.
"Doesn't mean I want to," I shrug after a moment, but walk up to the shack anyway, leaning back against it and crossing my arms. "What brings you here?"

[Riley Pearson]

"You, um.. You don't have to.." I said after she told me she didn't want to, but then ended up walking over to the shack anyway, in the middle of my sentance.
"Um.. just.. thinking..." I said quietly with a small nod, biting my lip a little bit and glancing to the ground again. "What about you?"

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug again, shaking my head dismissively. "No idea... doesn't matter."
I pause again for slightly too long. Ordinarily I think it would just be an automatic question, but at the moment I don't think I really care.
"Thinking about anything in particular?"

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded slightly at what she said, not really minding the answer. I always found myself in places for no reason.
There was a semi-long pause after that before she spoke up again and I looked over to her again, biting my lip again. "Um.. Yeah.. Just thinking.. I just don't know what to do." I said with a small nod, frowning slightly to the ground.
I really didn't want to leave her, but I really thought that I should... sometimes at least. Right now I wasn't sure why I was staying with her though. Was I still in love with her? I'd say yes. Was I sick of being hurt? Or pushed aside? Yes.. Was I staying with her just because she's seemed to have some kind of mental break down? I really hope not.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod at that, trying to decide if I actually want to answer or not. For one thing, I'm still annoyed with him... and even if I wasn't, , is there really much of anything to say?
Yes, silence seems best.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded a little bit, playing slightly with some grass that was by my hand. "Did um.. Did you hear that Ella was back?" I asked her after a few moments when she didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if I should say anything about Riyann just yet and was holding off on saying something about it.

[Arden Patricks]

"Mm-hm." I nod, looking down at my interlaced hands. "Riyann stopped by the library the other day, oddly enough."

[Riley Pearson]

"Oh.." I said slightly surprised that she saw Riyann recently and then just nodded a little bit. "Um.. was that okay then?" I asked her biting my lip a little bit.

[Arden Patricks]

"I suppose...." I shrug uncomfortably. This whole situation is uncomfortable, really.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded slightly. This was a lot more awkward than I thought it was going to be. "So um.. This's awkward.." I said with a small sigh.

[Arden Patricks]

I laugh faintly and without much humor. "Maybe just a little. But what would you expect?"

[Riley Pearson]

I chuclked faintly, "Honestly, I was expecting you to act like nothing happend." I said looking over to her now with a very faint smile.

[Arden Patricks]

"Hm...." I pause, considering that, but shake my head. "No... I don't know if that would work anymore. Not that it has."

[Riley Pearson]

"Always made it seem like it was working.." I said kind of quietly, before shrugging faintly.

[Arden Patricks]

"In which case, what? It's your fault things get messed up again, because of your refusal to play along?"
It's only after I've asked this that I realize maybe it's true.

[Riley Pearson]

I looked down to some grass thinking about what she just said. It was my fault and I knew that I couldn't ignore the fact that what she said was true. "It's true... I just can't ignore things like this... it's always been a problem." I told her with a small nod, glancing up to her for a moment.

[Arden Patricks]

I sigh very slightly, then shrug, also looking down at the ground. "Well... maybe, to be honest, you're right. I mean, with this exception, I've always thought it was better to talk about things than to not. And the only real reason for the exception in this case is that I just don't want to." I laugh slightly. "So maybe you're perfectly right."

[Riley Pearson]

I looked back up to her when she spoke, keeping my fingers in the grass, still playing with some of it. I chuckled slightly when she laughed and shrugged a little bit. "Thanks... I guess." I said with a small smile. "But you could be right too... I mean, look what happens everytime we talk about it." I added, keeping my eyes on her. "Why don't you want to talk about? If you don't mind me asking.."

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug slightly, uncrossing my arms so I can lace my hands together instead. "Pretty much what I've already said. I'd really just rather pretend it never happened and go back to normal reality."

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded slightly, glancing down at the grass for another moment. "Then just let me know what I can do to help.." I said quietly with a small nod. I knew things weren't easily going to be normal to me, but at least they could maybe be normal for one of us.

[Arden Patricks]

"Not a lot," I shrug, simultaneously shrugging and sighing. "To be honest, I don't think it can be done."
Which is part of the reason I've been thinking about leaving.
The words are just perfect for putting after the ones I've just said... other than the fact that I don't think I can say them, just falter slightly and stop talking. Doubtful he'll find that out of the ordinary.

[Riley Pearson]

I watched her carefully when she spoke instead of watching the grass like I had been doing. It looked like she was about to say something else before she faltered slightly and I didn't really think much of it at the time. She stopped talking and I nodded faintly, glancing to the grass again. "... Arden.. um.." I paused for a moment, wondering what exactly I should say. Why couldn't it be done? She always seemed to think that it could be... well, not that time she tried to leave. I just hoped she wasn't going to try that again. ".. Do you love me?" I asked glancing up to her again and keeping my eyes on her. I knew the question was probably slightly off-topic, but it didn't seem too much off to me because people kept telling me that she did.. and if they were right, it would be a reason as to why she couldn't just forget about it.

[Arden Patricks]

... Well. Did that come out of nowhere or is it just me?
I stare at him a moment, then quickly drop my eyes and recross my arms when I can feel my face getting hot.
"Is... is that any of your business? Does it matter?" I ask the ground, with a shaky sort of laugh.
Mainly I'm just stalling... and flustered. It would be a flustering question, I think, even if I knew the answer. So it really doesn't help that I don't.
Though I don't think I do... right? But, then again, I thought the bloody crush was over ten years ago, so what the hell do I know?

[Riley Pearson]

I watched her reaction, not really surprised by how she took it. "Um.. actually, in a way I think that it is." I said quietly to her as she spoke to the ground, noting that her face seemed to turn slightly pinker as she did. I had to admit it was sort of an off-topic.. not to mention, probably unexpected question. And just watching her face heat up, I felt mine turn slightly red too and I glanced to the ground for a moment as well.
"I just.. I know that was sort of.. out of nowhere.. I've just.. been curious, since I've already had two people say that you do.." I added with a very faint shrug. "... Good explanation to why you wouldn't be able to forget it too.." I added biting my lip slightly.
I wasn't sure, but it made sense to me. I knew that I couldn't forget it. I was just going to try and not think about it. Really, I don't even know why I had to ask that, because, honestly, I didn't even know if I loved her or not. But the longer I was around her, the more I sort of felt like I did. "But, um, no, I-I guess it doesn't matter.." I told her in the same voice as a moment earlier, kind of wishing I hadn't added that because it gives her room to move around and back out of the question, which really wasn't something that I wanted to happen.

[Arden Patricks]

I give a laugh that sounds slightly forced, even though it's not, and wonder who on Earth has been voicing their opinions on my emotions. I can let that drop, though, in favor of the more important things he's said.
"You know... maybe I'm actually wrong about that," I say quietly after a moment, looking up but off to his left because I'm tired of staring at the ground but can't quite look at him at the moment. "I mean... it still doesn't matter in the long run... and I really don't know if you need to know or not, what the answer is... but I s'pose that it's important to at least figure it out. So... I don't know. All right? That's the honest answer. I don't know."
I toy very briefly with the idea of turning the question around and asking him... but I honestly don't want to know. And even if I did I don't think I could ever force the words out.