Confusing Thoughts;; [Arden]

[Riley Pearson]

She didn't say anything and I wondered if maybe I should've said that outloud. I never really thought that I was her best friend. It just never really bugged me enough to actually say it. It's not like there was a law stating if she was my best friend, I had to be hers.
Who knows.. maybe she originally just was hanging around me because she felt sorry. I really had no clue. But then I felt horrible for even thinking that and i shook my head faintly.
"That didn't really come out right.. I'm sorry." I said, messing with some of my hair a little bit, even though I really can't think of another way to say it.

[Arden Patricks]

"No, nothing wrong with it," I say softly, shaking my head. "Just... I don't really know how to say this, but sometimes I really don't like you very much. So it doesn't seem right that you think of me as your best friend."
Oh, dear lord, I cannot believe I said that.

[Riley Pearson]

I looked back up to her, wondering if the hurt feeling I seemed to be having right now was showing in my eyes or just my face. I mean, she was allowed to not like me sometimes I guess. It was understandable.
"... I always like you, so I don't see the problem." I said quietly after a moment, just shaking my head faintly, crossing my arms infront of my chest, leaning back slightly against the tree again. "... You're allowed to not like me sometimes.." I added a bit quieter before shrugging very faintly.

[Arden Patricks]

I wince slightly, shaking my head. Still the same old person, aren't you? What the hell is this? Hanging around at the shrieking shack, saying things you shouldn't even if they sort of might be true.... Acting like you're back in school won't really take you back in time so you can change the past, you know.
I shake my head again, saying all these things to myself but not sure if I'm listening. "I didn't mean it like that... I don't know."
This is why I need to disappear.
It's a new voice that says this last sentence... a quietly desperate sort of voice from deep inside.
"This is why I need to disappear," I say out loud. "I can't stick around here, turning into the sort of person I've been trying not to be for the last eleven years."

[Riley Pearson]

I shook my head faintly, "I think you did.." I said quietly, after she said she didn't mean it. "And it doesn't matter.. I'd rather hear it from you.." I added, thinking more about what she said.
"I don't see anything wrong with who you are.. Everyone has their days." I said, shaking my head slightly, looking at her agian. "Disapearing isn't gonna just... change things for you. You're still gonna be you." I finsihed, wondering if that made sense.

[Arden Patricks]

"But at least I won't be around people I can hurt with my me-ness," I shrug, shaking my head. "I don't like me, Riley. Never have. I don't like the person I am sometimes; I don't like Arden. She was a spoiled brat as a child... pathetic self-pitying freak with occasional outbursts of violence and vindictiveness as a teenager... and I don't want to become that again. So I need to get away from here. Maybe it will help."

[Riley Pearson]

"All the more reason you should stay. Maybe you need someone around who.. who doesn't think of you that way." I told her, shaking my head faintly. "I'm not gonna say that some of that isn't true.. but the point is that you don't want to be that person again.. I think that shows a lot.."

[Arden Patricks]

"Not enough," I mutter, shaking my head again and leaning back heavily against the wall of the shrieking shack. "I've never wanted to be her, but it just kept happening. And it's not like I'm saying that I... Arden... don't have good points. She was always nice to some people, even as a kid. Always... compassionate, things like that. But it isn't enough."

[Riley Pearson]

"Arden you're trying.." I said to her now, sounding at least faintly desperate, wishing that she could just see it my way. "I... Why isn't it enough?" I asked her shaking my head faintly. "No one's perfect.."

[Arden Patricks]

"No...." I shake my head, though I'm leaning it back against the wall. I should be, runs though my head, but just as an errant thought... easily dismissed. "I'm not, not really. I haven't been for ages. But the more time I spend around people I know, around places like this... the more time I spent not being a hermit, pretending I'm a muggle... the worse it's getting. I'm turning back into the person raised by my parents rather than the one I've tried to be instead. I don't know how else to explain it... but that's three very good reasons now that I should disappear."

[Riley Pearson]

I sighed slightly, just listening to what she was saying, trying to figure out how she was seeing all of this. "Then maybe you should just stop trying... maybe you're not as horrible as you're making yourself out to be." I said with a very faint shrug. "I just.. I don't know what to say... I wish I could understand."

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head again, straightening up only to cross my arms and lean back again.
"I promise I'll come back, if that's any better. I just don't like how I'm acting, how I'm spending my time... how I'm being. So I need to get away from here a while."

[Riley Pearson]

"A little better I guess..." I said quietly as I nodded a little bit. "... You better too, or I'll come find you." I said with a faint smile.

[Arden Patricks]

I smile faintly at that, shaking my head. "Real scary threat there, Riley."

[Riley Pearson]

I smiled a little and nodded. "Oh I know.. And then you'll have to come back.. cause I will have brought pie and ther's nothing scarier than that."

[Arden Patricks]

I smile very faintly again, a little too far from a jokey sort of mood to find that statement anything but annoying, but deciding to humor his mood anyway.

[Riley Pearson]

I watched her smile faintly again. Really, I don't think either of us were in that kind of mood. I had merely said that because it was sort of a reaction while talking to Arden. She says one thing and then it goes on from there. For all I knew, I was probably just being annoying. Great, another reason for her to just leave.. I thought, letting out a small breath. Maybe you should just shut up Riley...

[Arden Patricks]

I bite my lip again when he doesn't say anything, wondering if it's now my duty to continue the conversation, or if I should just say goodbye right here and now. I can't figure out if the idea of the second option bothers me or not.

[Riley Pearson]

"Why'd you stay friends with me, Arden?" I asked her after a moment. The question probably seemed slightly random to her, but in my head it didn't seem lke it was. At least not too much. She had said that she didn't even like me that much at times. Which really, I still thought was understandle, but it didn't sound she that's what she thought.

[Arden Patricks]

I look up in slight surprise at that, then realize that it makes perfect sense considering what my evil twin just said a minute ago. I look away again thoughtfully almost as soon as I've looked up, though; replaying old memories, trying to figure it out.
"I don't really know," I say after a moment, looking back at him. "At first you just annoyed me, but that didn't last very long. So I don't know. i guess... I mean I like you well enough, really. I didn't... I mean, everybody gets a bit annoyed, even with people they love...."

[Riley Pearson]

I gave her some time to find her answer, just waiting till she found it. I looked back at her when she moved her eyes back to mine and listened to her, kind of glad that she was actually answering me and not just shrugging or saying she didn't know.
I nodded slightly at her answer, "Okay.. well.. thanks for putting up with me I guess then.. when you were annoyed.." I said quietly, before realising she said love. What kind of love did she mean? And when I realised she said it, the look on my face changed a bit and I looked back at her still, staying quiet. Really, I didn't know, she could've just meant a plantonic sort of love.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug again, shaking my head at the ground. "Silly of me not to, considering you are one of my closer friends, even when I'm annoyed. Like... family."

[Riley Pearson]

I smiled faintly, nodding a little bit. At least I was a closer friend. I guess I really couldn't ask for much more than that. ".. Who is your best friend then?" I asked her after a moment, wondering it for some reason now. I was probably just thinking of questions so she wouldn't leave, but I couldn't be sure I guess. ".. Just out of curiousity.."
I nodded when she said like family, biting my lip a little. "Okay.." I said still nodding a bit. I wasn't sure exactly what I felt when I heard that. But whatever it was, there was some kind of panic interwined with it. I was really starting to think that maybe I did love her, but I tried not to think about that and just brought myself back to reality.

[Arden Patricks]

Even if that's clearly not how I always think of you, I add belatedly in my head to that last sentence.
"You know, that's a funny question," I shrug, actually laughing slightly as if I mean funny in the 'haha' sort of way. "I honestly don't know anymore, considering I think they've disappeared, and I never talk to Chance anymore...." I shrug. "At this point, you or Fitzy. Or you two are closest anyway, though it's hard to call you best."

[Riley Pearson]

I wasn't sure what really got me thinking this before, but it had crossed my mind before that maybe I was meant to be with Arden. Riyann died a long time ago.. and who knows if bringing her back messed something up. Maybe I wasn't supposed to have been with her because she wasn't even supposed to be alive. Maybe we'd messed with fate a little bit too much.
I nodded a little at what she said. Me or Fitzy... but she's having a hard time calling me her best. "I'm not asking you to choose.. it doesn't matter, I was just wondering.." I said quietly, looking up to her again.

[Arden Patricks]

"No, that's not what I meant...." I shake my head again, not sure why but wanting to clarify this. "Just... that I don't really have a best friend anymore. Just close ones. I don't know. Yet another reason I'm leaving, I suppose." I shrug slightly, kicking at the ground.

[Riley Pearson]

I shrugged a little, "What's a best friend anyway?" I asked after a moment. She said she didn't have one, just close ones. I guess I could understand that. I've not had a best friend before.. I just felt like that maybe we were close enough for me to be one. "So you're leaving.. to make one?"

[Arden Patricks]

"No... just gives me less incentive to stay here, I don't know." I shake my head again, getting a little bit tired of the ongoing argument. "And it's kind of indefinable, isn't it? What makes you say that I'm yours, then?"

[Riley Pearson]

"That actually makes sense." I said nodding a little bit. I guess we really couldn't argue about this forever. Actually, I didn't even feel like I was arguing anymore.
"I talk to you the most... We have a bunch of those.. inside joke things that no one else gets.." I shrugged a little bit. "I like being around you.. you were always here when I needed you.." I added, listing a few things. I was sure there were more, but those were the ones off the top of my head.

[Arden Patricks]

"Ditto, to an extent." I smile faintly, then shrug. "I guess, to me... the term 'best friend' means someone you trust with anything, can talk about anything to... and for whatever reason, that's never been you."