|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 19:48:29 GMT
It’s been a few days since my suicide attempt, and I think I feel better. As in, not about to try that sort of thing again anytime soon. And, as a bonus, I’m now not as worried when Logan disappears. Which probably doesn’t make sense, but there you go. I think it’s because I no longer have to be afraid of the unknown, afraid of what’s the worst thing that could happen. ‘Cause the worst that could happen already has… or I think so anyway… and… well, that’s about where the logic disappears. But at any rate, I’m not as worried. I’ve reached some sort of flow state between excessive anxiety and overwhelming apathy.
And things are back to normal, whatever normal is. Meaning that I can wash dishes perfectly calmly while Logan is god knows where, and I’m not mired down in pessimistic thoughts.
Maybe it will be all right, somehow. Maybe that poor woman was just a one-time lapse and I should think of it more like an accident that won’t happen again. And maybe I’ve gone loopy in the other direction, but I’ll take what I can get.
And besides, on a mildly disturbing note that at least keeps all the bases covered... at least I have a method that works now, just as long as I’m not interrupted.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 20:13:05 GMT
I just saw Logan yesterday.. or possibly the day before.. it's hard to tell anymore. And I really wanted more than anything to just go and see Arden. If I was lucky, I wouldn't have to deal with Logan, cos he would probably be off doing who knows what, and I could actually just go and see Arden by myself.
Actually, she probably doesn't even want to see me right now. I wouldn't be too surprised if she didn't. I don't think I would if I was her, just mainly becuase I wouldn't probably want to see anyone.
I didn't really know what I was going to say to her yet.. but I guess that I would just figure that out as I go along.
I was already infront of her door, so there really wasn't much more time to think about it. But more than likely the first thing I was going to do was hug her. So hopefully that wouldn't bother her too much.
I lifted up my hand and knocked against the door a moment after standing infront of it. Really hoping that she was home.. and that she was the one that was going to answer the door.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 20:37:40 GMT
I straighten bolt upright at the knock on the door, and decide to maybe revise the whole flow state conclusion. I guess I'm just not actively worrying, but otherwise not much improvement. I'm half-convinced it's going to be someone from the Ministry.
And technically I'm right, I guess, when I cautiously open the door. Someone from the Ministry that I'm not afraid of, but still. And now I feel just a little guilty because I'm pretty sure I worried him the other day, and I should have stopped by to say... well, what? 'Oh, it's okay by the way, if you were afraid I might kill myself. I already tried it see, so it's out of my system now.'
Hm. Maybe not.
"Riley... hey." I smile slightly but genuinely. "What brings you here?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 20:45:01 GMT
After I knocked the door, I was starting to wonder if I should even bring up that I know about what she tried to do a few days ago. Maybe I would try to just contain myself and not mention it right off the bat. Especially because when she answers the door, she's actually smiling and it didn't look like she was just doing it becuase she felt like she had to. So therefore, I was going to wait just a bit.
"Hey." I said back to her, putting a small smile over my lips too. "Um.. Just wanted.." I paused for a moment and then shook my head faintly, "Just wanted to see you." I finished, still smiling and wanting to hug her, but not doing that yet either.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 20:57:13 GMT
"All right...." Probably because you were worried but don't want to say so. "Well, come in then. How've you been?"
I'm not really sure I've ever successfully managed to keep a secret from Riley in all my life, so whenever I have one it feels like an elephant in the room, just waiting to be noticed eventully.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 21:03:03 GMT
I nodded a little bit and came inside when she invited me in. I shrugged a little bit. "I've been alright.. The usual I guess." I said with a faint smile. I felt like I should ask her how she'd been, but apparently it hadn't been that good, so I didn't really want to ask. "You've been alright?" I asked instead, which was basically the same thing. "Hopefully?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:19:55 GMT
"Yeah, I've been all right," I nod after just a split second of hesitation. "So did you finally sleep then?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 21:21:55 GMT
"Um.. yeah, a little bit." I said with a small nod and smile. "Tried at least."
I nodded when she said she was all right. "That's good then.." I said biting my lip faintly. I wondered if she noticed that I felt slightly awkward. I didn't like knowing something that she didn't know I knew. But now that I was in here, talking to her, I didn't know how to mention it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:25:03 GMT
"Good," I nod, then bite my lip. I wonder if it's just me that's finding this awkward, but I don't think so. Why, I'm not really sure... but it's definitely awkward.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 21:27:13 GMT
I nodded faintly before deciding that I was just going to say something. I didn't like the feeling that was going through this room and at least once I said something maybe we'd have something to talk about.. or we could change the subject and move on or something.
".. I sort of.. know about the other day." I said eventually, keeping my eyes on the floor for a few moments before looking up to her.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:30:25 GMT
"... Oh." I suck in a breath, nodding. That would explain it.
"What other day would that be?" I ask anyway, just to make sure.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 21:33:29 GMT
I nodded faintly, "I'm pretty sure you know which one I'm talking about." I said quietly. "I don't really like saying it."
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:45:54 GMT
"Right," I nod, looking down at the floor and biting my lip again. "I'm sorry, if it's any help."
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 21:49:33 GMT
I shrugged a little bit, biting my lip faintly. "I just really love you Arden.. And I don't want to lose you." I said instead, letting out a small breath. "And it would've killed me to think that maybe I could have.. prevented it, or something."
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:55:04 GMT
"It wouldn't've been your fault," I say immediately, shaking my head. And I want to apologize again but he'll probably just tell me not to.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 21:58:19 GMT
"I know.. But even though I know it probably wouldn't've mattered, " I started, talking about the last time spoke to her. "I'd know I'd still be thinking it did.." I shrugged faintly.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 22:03:26 GMT
"I know," I say, sighing a bit and shaking my head. "I've been on that end of things too, so... I know. I really am sorry; it just... made sense at the time."
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 22:06:55 GMT
"I know.." I said nodding a little bit. "You don't have to say sorry anymore either." I added, letting out a small breath as I ruffled some of my hair a bit on the back of my head. "Do you mind if I ask how it made sense?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 22:17:27 GMT
"Kind of... hard to explain I guess...." I shrug slightly. "But mainly... all the things I told you. I couldn't take it."
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 22:20:36 GMT
I nodded faintly. "Okay.. you don't have to explain it.." I said with a faint shrug. "But you're alright now?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 22:28:06 GMT
"Yeah, I'm fine," I nod, hesitating again before adding the next part. "It usually takes something extreme like that to snap me out of it, but after that I feel better and I won't do it again." For a while anyway.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 22:31:47 GMT
I nodded faintly, "Alright." I said looking over to her, wondering if that's what she said the last time she tried to kill herself. But I definitely wasn't going to say that now. So I just nodded again, "So is it alright if I hug you now then?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 22:44:33 GMT
"Yeah, of course," I shake my head, fully aware that it isn't always of course.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 16, 2009 22:49:39 GMT
"Thanks.." I said quietly, stepping a bit closer to her and pulling her into a slightly tight hug.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 1:01:23 GMT
I hug him back, not really minding how close it is. To be honest I think I kind of needed this.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 17, 2009 1:12:40 GMT
I let out a small sigh and continued to hug her for a bit longer. But after a few more moments I pulled away and smiled a bit to her.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 2:06:04 GMT
I smile back, then laugh slightly at the fact I can't think of anything to say. "Um... so...."
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 17, 2009 2:09:55 GMT
I chuckled faintly at her laugh and shrugged my shoulders. "I wish I knew." I said with a small smile. "So um.. Logan's not here, right?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 2:11:16 GMT
"No, not at the moment." I shake my head, then bite my lip. "Not really sure where he is, actually. As usual."
|
|
|
|
Post by Riley Pearson on Jan 17, 2009 2:14:45 GMT
I nodded a little bit. "Okay." I said, partly glad that he wasn't here and partly not so glad due to the fact that he still keeps going out. I wish he would just stay. "He just.. leaves?"
|
|
