Driven me to hiding;;Riley

[Riyann Servansikk]

I was hardly paying attention to him at the moment, though my eyes were still locked on him. "Yes she does." I whispered, trying to hold the wand a little more even instead of having my hand be so shakey, though there was much I could do about that. "And I am a horrible mum." I added, I had proof that I was that and I was now holding a wand at my husband when our kids were due to be back at any time now along with his parents.
"Then I'm not doing anything until you do." I said, my voice calm and steady again, my hand wasn't shaking anymore, which I was slightly glad for.
"He won't." I whispered after the thought that he would leave me tonight and with the kids. He couldn't.
Yeah, well you're clearly insane and are a danger to the kids. "I am not."
You're talking to yourself. I kept my mouth shut at that one, wanting to be able to glare at myself or the voice that wouldn't seem to shut up.
I think my arm might've dropped slightly, or loosened slightly until he brought me out of my thoughts, asking me again to set down the wand, his wand, and I shook my head, wand right back to where it should be. "No." I said, shaking my head a little bit again. "Why should I?"

[Riley Pearson]

I just shook my head a little bit. "You're not a horrible mum.." And I wasn't lying, she was a good mum, but right now, she wasn't the best wife. I normaly don't like having a wand pointed at me.
"What do you expect me to do Riyann?" I asked her, hearing her voice he steady and calm and seeing her hand steady as well instead of being shaky like it was.
She started talking to herself again and I bit my lip a little bit, wondering what was going with her. What actually did this to her.
"Riyann, do you love me?" I asked her after she asked why she should, not saying anything else after that, waiting for her response.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I shook my head a little, he could think that I wasn't a horrible mum, but I was more than possitive that I was. "Yes I am." I whispered, nodding a little. "I haven't been there for them when I should've." It was true, I wasn't there for them when Riley and I had a fight the night he got his memory back, not instead I'd run and left them while he was there for them. I wasn't there for them when I'd run off with Shelby, instead I'd left them and didn't come to their birthday party. Right now I was being horrible, especially if they walked in and saw this they'd hate me then, too bad I wasn't lowering the wand. "Arden's always there for you when I'm not." I started, wondering why I was starting to rant on like this. "I'm sure she'd do the same for the girls." Not to mention she loves you and you love her Riley. I was surprised that the stupid little voice was agreeing with me.
"Nothing, that's up to you." I said, keeping my eyes on his face this time as I spoke, instead of just on him in general. Never would've thought I'd be doing this ten years ago. Maybe this is what you should've done to make it so that he'd leave you and stop getting hurt. I agreed with the voice this time, wondering why that was suddenly happening.
I barely shook my head, though I did, because he didn't answer me, unless you call asking another question a little off topic answering you. "Yes." I said simply, really getting a little more angry that he didn't answer me. Why didn't he? Because you've gone absolutely bonkers and he's probably going to try and guilt trip you into stopping this. Just like with the drugs. If anything my hand was a little more steady now, and I simply brought my right hand to rub my head slightly, glad I still had one hand open.

[Riley Pearson]

I just shook my head again. "You were there a lot of the time.." I told her, witha smal frown, still watching her careufully. "What're you trying to say Riyann?" I asked her when she mentioned Arden, pushing some hair from my eyes, steping a little clsoer to her as I spoke before stopping after a moment. "You were there all the other times... Do you.. Do you want me to leave?" I asked her, shaking my head a little. "Or something..." I added, not even sure what she was getting at.
"What do you mean? Do the same?" I asked shaking my head slightly, unsure what she meant. What she would do the same.
"If you're going to keep pointing that at me, I'm going to leave." I said finially, shaking my head again, moving some hair from my eyes.
I nodded a little when she said that. "Then will you please lower the wand.. You can still hold onto it, will you just not point it at me?"

[Riyann Servansikk]

I shook my head a little, not wanting to answer his question of what I was trying to say. Truthfully I wasn't even sure if I knew. I just knew he loved her and she loved him and she was always there for him whenever he needed me to be and he would probably do better off with her. I watched him step a little closer to me, but I didn't do anything about it, if I needed to I'd do something to get him to back off, knowing that I probably would if he got to close.
"I think you'd be better off." I said, watching him shake his head, more than anything I didn't want him to leave me, not for someone else, even if he'd be better off and did deserve better.
"She's there for you, I'm sure she'd be there for the kids." I whispered, almost feeling ashamed for even thinking that, but that's too bad. Arden was there for him, when I died, faked my death, when I left him, and more times, I was never there, not when it counted.
I knew it was a threat, but it made me drop my hand so fast I didn't even notice that it happened. My hand was gripped a little tighter around the wand though, so he knew I could have it pointed right back up at him, so that I could use it, so that he wasn't getting it back.
You hold a wand up to him? "Yeah." I whispered softly, though he could probably think I was talking to him.
But then you lower it when he threatens to leave? "Yeah." My voice was just as soft.
You're pathetic. "Yet just a while ago you were disagreeing with me." I muttered, rolling my eyes before looking at him again.

[Riley Pearson]

She didn't do anything when I walked a little closer and I moved very slightly closer a moment later since she didn't.
"How do you gather that?" I asked her after she said I'd be better off, I really didn't see how she knew that. Unless she was planning on killing me or torturing me or something.
I frowned a little more at what she told me. "You're there too.." I said quietly, crossing my arms infront of me, glancing to the floor. True, Riyann did miss a few things.. wasn't there for a few things.. but she was there a lot of the time.
She dropped the wand to the side and I nodded a little bit. "Thank you." I said quietly before hearing her speak again and shaking my head a little in confusion. "Disagreeing with you?" I asked feeling like she was talking to me.`

[Riyann Servansikk]

I watched him move a little bit closer again, causing me to bit my lip softly, and then I stopped, becuase I wasn't nervous, I was the one in control and with the wand currently pointed at him. "Because you do." I said simply, not answering further with that, I wasn't planning on doing anything to him, just whatever happened from here on out was not planned and hopefully wouldn't do much damage.
I watched him as he crossed his arms infront of him and looked to the floor. "Not when it counts." I said simply, not moving my eyes off of him. It was completely true. Sure I was there for most everything in the past ten years, just not when something big happened.
Because it's usually your fault.
I barely nodded when he said thank you, because I didn't want to drop the wand, it was just a reaction to what he had said, and I was thinking he only said that to make me drop it. An empty threat.
I looked at him with confusion when he asked about what I said, truthfully I didn't know that I said it out loud or anything. "What?" I asked, not talking to myself for the moment, or the time being.

[Riley Pearson]

I just shook my head again, though it was fainter this time. I was starting to get kind of annoyed with going back and forth like this. "That might not be true.. Unless you're thinking about keeping that thing pointed at me." I said as I glanced at the wand for a moment and looking back up to her.
"But you were there when you could be.." I told her with a small and soft sigh, sifting my gaze to the floor for a moment.
I was pretty sure that it wasn't an empty threat. I wasn't going to have my own wand pointed at me by Riyann like that. I didn't like it and I was fed up enough right now that probably would leave if she raised it again.
"Y-You just said, 'Yet just a while ago you were disagreeing with me.'?" I asked her with a small bit of confusion showing on my face.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I watched him as he shook his head, though not as much and didn't do anything else, just stood there like I was standing there. He's going to leave you. I could almost hear the voice laughing at me, and it made me want to laugh, but I didn't, because I didn't want him to leave, still the wand was pointed at him.
"It wasn't enough." I whispered, shaking my head a little. I'd always felt like that, that I never had been there for him, not when it counted, not when it mattered, not enough, and I was still thinking that.
I hoped it was only an empty threat, because I don't think I would've been able to stop him and really I don't know what I'd do without him. Yet so many times you had tried making him leave you to stop hurting him? Yeah, only because he'd be better off, I'd figure something out for me. Now I couldn't say the same. It wouldn't have been the same, just too hard, and I would have to deal with everything on my own.
"No." I said, I didn't actually think that I was speaking out loud, though, it was obvious, and now I was just going to have to make him think I hadn't said anything.

[Riley Pearson]

"It's not like more wouldn't've been better, but.. what you did was fine." I said shaking my head a little bit, shoivng my hands in my pockets after running on my hand slightly through some of my hair.
It definately wasn't an empty threat, but the more and more I thought about it, then less I was thinking I should leave her alone. She wasn't stable at all and I didn't want her to go and do something stupid just because I left. Not only would it be my fault, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something did happen.
"Just.. nevermind." I said with a sigh, shaking my head slightly again. "It's not important.." At lesat I didn't think it was.

[Riyann Servansikk]

You still weren't there enough, Riyann. I heard the voice almost immediatly when I started to nod, and then it quickly changed to me shaking my head. I should've been there more, just like Arden always was, and I was more than sure it wasn't fine that I was hardly there when I needed to be. I was still shaking my head some as he ran a hand through his hair and then shoved his hands in his pockets.
If he did leave, The voice started and I nodded slightly, what would we do then? Hopefully something stupid. It almost made me laugh, because this did quite qualify as something stupid, or just plain insanity.
I nodded a little when he said to nevermind and that it wasn't important.
Well not to him at least. "Yeah."
So what're we going to do? I shrugged a little.

[Riley Pearson]

She didn't say anything else and I just nodded a little bit, looking over to her and then looked down to the floor for a moment. I ruffled some of my hair again, not knowing what to say to her. I didn't have much expierce with things like this.
I nodded slgihtly again and looking over to her again. "Was it.. important I mean?" I asked her a moment later, biting my lip a little.

[[ ah, sorry =/ crappy ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

I was glad that he wasn't coming closer to me at the least, because if it wasn't an empty threat he'd be gone and I'd be left to deal with the fact that I had to put the wand up in the first place and then again when he came closer.
You did tell him to stay away, so it'd be his own fault. "Yeah." I said softly, just realizing that I hadn't yet answered his question, realizing I had spoken out loud.
"N-no, it wasn't important." I added softly, shaking my head a little.
Why are you hiding this from him? It was like the voice wanted me to speak and give it all away, make me say I was insane.
It chuckled when I made not sound and hadn't spoken and I shook my head slightly. I was giving you the easy chance to say it, that way you wouldn't have to worry you're little head about telling him. "So?" I asked in an almost annoyed voice. It really was starting to get annoying, first the voice had been telling me to stop, now it was just getting in the way.
I was fine, I would be fine, if it would shut up, Riley and I could make things work out, I'd be able to see the kids still, I'd just have to keep this as my own little secret.

[[tis okay.. lol]]

[Riley Pearson]

She said yeah and I looked up to her again, wondering why she just said it. I don't think I had said anything.
I nodded slightly when she said it wasn't important, still slightly taken aback by how she was talking to herself and kind of worried too.
"I'm sorry?" I asked, feeling a little more confused again. "So, what?" I asked her curiously, watching her a little more carefully now that I was pretty sure she was talking to herlsef, thinking that I probably shouldn't leave her.

[Riyann Servansikk]

My eyes were on his, but I don't think I was really that focused, I was rather trying to get either the voice in my head to shut up or Riley, because when you think about it, it's quite hard to talk to two people at once.
Especially when one of those two people happens to be yourself. "Piss off." I muttered, really wishing it was possible to glare at myself, instead I just heard the small giggle from the voice.
"Why?" I asked, focusing once again on Riley after he said he was sorry, or rather he questioned it, which was kind of odd. Not with how you're acting. I really wanted to ask if the voice would just shut up, but Riley might think I was talking to him. But then you could focus on me. "I don't want to." I said, feeling my hand grip the wand a little more.
Maybe this is what it felt like to go insane, utterly annoyed until you went and killed yourself.
"So nothing." I said, feeling like I really just needed to clear this all up with Riley, or try to, because I have the feeling it wasn't going to go away with me.
Not likely. I could feel my breathing speed up slightly as this all started to continue, my grip on the wand tightening even more now, wondering if it was even possible to use the killing curse on yourself. It might work. "Just shut up, please." I whispered, feeling a tear fall down my cheek.

[Riley Pearson]

I raised my eyebrows slightly as she said piss off and kept my eyes on her, wondering if she was talking to me. Was she talking to me at all? I really wasn't sure at all anymore and I didn't know what to say or do still.
"I said sorry casue I didn't understand." Isaid shaking my head a little bit, and then nodding a little when she said nothing.
She said to shut up and I noticed her breathing seemed to increase. I was really starting to get worried and I took a few small steps towards her again. "Riyann.." I said quietly, watching a tear fall down her cheek. "Are you okay?"

[Riyann Servansikk]

This was really starting to get complicated in a sense, talking to myself and then talking to Riley. And when I did talk to myself he didn't know if I was talking to him or not. As I said earlier, amusing. I shut my eyes lightly after having to listen to the voice a little more.
Opening my eyes I looked at him and nodded. "S'alright." I said, trying to focus a little more on the fact that I was clearly out of it, I didn't want him that close, and I had to watch him to make sure he wasn't coming any closer, and if he did so that he wasn't that close.
He thought you were talking to him. I could hear the laughter in the thought and shook my head faintly. Now he's worried about you? Confusion laced this thought and I didn't do anything about it this time, instead I watched him as he said my name, shaking my head a little when he asked if I was okay. What happened to making him think you were okay? I let my grip loosen on the wand until I let it fall from my hands, really wishing I hadn't, feeling like I was already far from safe. Which makes no sense at all, really you are the danger. "N-no," I started, not sure if I was talking to Riley or myself. "I'm not." I whispered softly.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded slghtly and stopped coming closer when I noticed her looking like she didn't want me any closer. I bit my lip as I watched her, starting to feel bad about thinking about leaving now.
The wand dropped from her hands and I frowned slightly more as she said no. I walked closer to her and pulled her into a hug, wondering if I should have or not, but I didn't want her to not be okay and I felt like I was the one who set all of this off.
"Is there anything I can do?"

[Riyann Servansikk]

He didn't move any closer and my head stopped yelling at me to put the wand up to stop him, which I was greatful for, I really didn't want to hurt him, though this was definitely hurting him, causing me to feel the need of saying sorry, but I didn't speak.
Why should you be sorry? "Because." I whispered. Because I pointed his wand at him for him messing up, for a silly accident.
He walked closer as I shut my eyes light, letting him pull me into a hug, hugging him back slightly, still wanting the wand back in my hands.
It was you're own fault for dropping it. I shook my head a little, though it was completely true.
"No." I whispered softly. Leave us alone. Just hope more than anything I don't start voicing some of the things that are going on in my head.
You lie to much, really Riyann. "I do not." I whispered defensively, shutting my eyes tight right now so I could at least imagine that I was glaring at the voice. The stupid voice that was now starting to ruin everything.
You're the one that asked for this.

[Riley Pearson]

She started talking again and I shook my head a little pulling some out of the hug. "Riyann, I think maybe you should lay down.. o-or I dunno.. s-something else..." I said quietly letting out a small breath.
"Riyann, you're sure I-I can't help?"
[[ oh goodness... i fail at this tonight ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

[[Aw, it's fine though.. lol.. I won't hate you Nina, I swear.. ^.^]]

I felt him pull from the hug slightly and I shook my head a little, first having wanting him to get away from me, now really not wanting him to, especially since I've been trying to stay away from him since I saw him kissing Arden, especially since he almost said Arden's name when telling me he loved me.
Yes, why don't you go lay down, get some time to talk to me on how we plan to do things. I shook my head a little more now, looking at him with silence for a few moments. "N-no, I don't want to." I whispered, shaking my head still, wondering why I was so afraid of talking to myself, and then wondering what something else was or would be.
"I dunno." I said softly, trying to get control over my thoughts, though I was only going back to wanting the wand to get him away from me, even if I didn't want him to get away from me.
Course there is, if he leaves us alone. "Leave me alone." I hissed after shutting my eyes lightly and then opened them looking at Riley. "N-not you." This was starting to get too confusing and yet it was only me and Riley.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded slightly, "Okay... maybe if you.. j-just try not to think.." I said quietly before hugging her again after she said she didn't know.
She hissed to leave her alone and I pulled out of the hug almost instantly. I wasn't sure what was going on, or if she was even talking to me. I had no idea.
She looked at me a moment later and I nodded slightly, "Then who exactly?" I asked her when she said she wasn't talking to me.

[[ lol, yay then ^^ thank you ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

Too bad you're not even trying. I still nodded, maybe he was right, and maybe the stupid voice was, I just needed to pretend it was working, at least for Riley. Why exactly did this happen? It was bound to, he's probably blaming himself though. "M-maybe." I whispered when he hugged me again.
I almost jumped at how fast he pulled out of the hug, or the fact that he pulled away as it was. You're own fault. I could almost hear the laughter. He's afraid to make you angry anymore, to hurt you anymore. You're just doing the opposite for him.
I shook my head a little, stepping back into the counter, not wanting to tell him, to answer him. He already thinks you're crazy, probably is positive on it now with how you're acting. "Shut up, it's your fault." I said after shutting my eyes, and then I opened them and looked at Riley, shaking my head a little. "N-not you." I said, both answering his question and explaining that I really wasn't telling him to shut up or telling him that his fault. Just was talking to the other person. For all he knows there really is someone else in your head. Which would be good, then I wouldn't be classified as insane. Too bad you are insane. I shook my head a little, biting my lip softly now.
Wonder when the girls'll be back. "Why?" I asked in a whisper, confusion being written across my face. Just for fun. "No." I said, my voice a little stronger than it had been.

[Riley Pearson]

I couldn't believe how much she really seemed to be talking to herself.. talking to someone else? Even though no one else is here?
I mean, even I have the occasional talking to myself thing, but this was just getting out of hand. I still didn't know what to do and I didn't really want to take her to St. Mungo's. I'm sure sure how well that would end. But maybe it was the best thing. I really had no idea if it was though. The only other thing I could think of was if she just layed down and relaxed a bit. But I know.. or think at least, that I shouldn't.. couldn't.. leave her alone like this.
I nodded slihtly again when she said it wasn't me and hugged her again, not commenting on the things she said this time, convinced she wasn't talking to me.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I felt him hug me again and felt faintly better, a faint smile on my lips, I even felt possible slightly safer, if not more than when I had the wand in my hand. See, he's here for you. I nodded a little, there was no doubt that he hadn't ever been. Unlike you are for him. I bit my lip, letting another tear fall down my cheek.
If I can't find out how to stop this, then how was he going to? Was he going to? Probably not. This time there was plenty of amusment in the voice, though I knew he would, he had too. Right?
And what if he doesn't help? What if he drops you as someone else's problem. I shook my head, not believing he would or could. "He won't." I whispered, convinced by my words, smiling slightly.
Suit yourself, I'll just laugh when he does. That made me freeze slightly, but I couldn't let myself believe it.

[Riley Pearson]

She said he won't and I wondered what she was talking about now. What wouldn't I do? I knew I definately couldn't leave her like this, so maybe that's was what she meant.
I sighed a little and hugged her a little tighter, kissing the top of her head. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?" I whispered her softly.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Doesn't mean he won't ship you off. I tried my hardest this time to not answer myself and nodded, slightly more happier that he was hugging me a little tighter, though I couldn't actually get all that happy, not with everything so far. "I love you." I whispered, leaning my forehead slightly against his chest, not sure what to do now.
Leave before he hurts you even more. I shook my head a little, glad that I didn't have to speak for now.
Make him leave. "I couldn't do that." I whispered softly, shaking my head a little, I already have been trying, and now that I could do it I can't, especially since I have no wand.
Talk him into coming with you to get a wand. I didn't answer to that yet, thinking about it. He needs one for work, you need one for work and to feel safe. I nodded slightly. Though he might object because you're like this. "So shut up for a while." I muttered, now trying to burry my head against his head and away from my thoughts.
It could work. I was surprised by that and smiled a little more, glad when the voice started getting quieter until it stopped, but I knew it was there, I could feel it there.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded slightly, still hugging her after she spoke. "I love you too.." I whispered back to her as she leaned her head against my chest, not knowing what to do except to just keep hugging her.
She said a couple more things that I don't think were directed toward me and I just tried to ignore them, though I was still listening to them just in case they did end up being important.
She burried her head against mine a moment later and I smoothed down some of her hair slightly, keeping my arms around her, just hoping that whatever it was was wrong with her would just get better.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I heard him say I love you back and nodded slightly, I knew he loved me, though I knew he loved Arden too, and it took everything I had to not just go right back to pushing him away. "I-I know you do." I whispered softly.
Just like I wanted the voice stayed silent, only because we now had a plan, though I'm sure I'd have to wait a little while before getting a wand, maybe a day or so.
So I have to stay quiet why? "Because, otherwise." I started but ended up not finishing my sentence because otherwise Riley would think something was up.
Otherwise what? The voice was amused again and I shook my head slightly against his chest, feeling him smooth down some of my hair. "Nothing." I whispered softly, glad that the voice had finally started quieting down again, and I smiled softly.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded a little bit, not saying anything back to her about that and just left it at the small nod.
She spoke up again and before I could really think about it, said, "Otherwise what?" I asked her quietly, then wondering is she was even talking to me or not.
She said nothing a moment later and realised that was probably the case, but I had already asked so I didn't say anything and just waited.