Driven me to hiding;;Riley

[Riyann Servansikk]

I could feel his eyes on me as I stared at the floor now, biting my lip a little to keep myself from crying again, even if I did sort of want to. I wanted a lot of things. For none of this to happen and to get over being such a child and hug him or something.

[Riley Pearson]

I saw her bite her lip and stare down at the floor. I wanted to hug her so badly right now. But I didn't think that I should. Like she said earlier, Don't touch me. And I wasn't going to unless she touched me first. As far as I was concerned the rest of this was up to her. I didn't know what else I could do or say and it was her decesion what she wanted to do.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I stayed there, not getting up because he didn't want me to go, or at least he hadn't earlier, I stayed silent because I didn't know what I could say or what there was to say anymore. And I kept to myself, ignoring the want of hugging him, and stared down at my stomach, still biting my lip softly.

[Riley Pearson]

"... Do you still want me here Riyann?" I asked her in quiet voice, frowning fainly as I glanced over to her for a breif second before dropping my eyes to the wood floors that we were sitting on. Really, that question could be taken a couple ways. One of them being, do you want me in this hallway? And the other being, do you even want me in the same house with you? I was actually asking the second question, but I wouldn't mind the answer to either of them at the moment, so I'm not worrying much about how she answers that.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I didn't like that question, of course if I said yes it ruled out the possiblities of what he meant, it wouldn't have mattered. But if I said no I didn't know what I was telling him. Telling him to leave me alone just for a while, go stay some place else, or maybe just leave me altogether. I couldn't just send him away or make it so that everything that had happened and we'd gotten over was nothing. "Y-yes." I whispered, my voice shakey as I spoke, but it was the truth, that's what mattered I guess.

[Riley Pearson]

I kept my eyes to the floor waiting for her to answer. The small frown staying on my face as the couple seconds felt more like minutes. She finally answered and I smiled faintly, feeling a little more relieved. The yes, telling me that I shouldn't just give up and leave because that's what I think she wants. I looked up to her as she said it, noticing her voice was shaky, smiling faintly agin with a small nod, looking back down to the floor. Now I wanted to hug her again, but instead of actualy doing it, just stayed where I was.

[Riyann Servansikk]

How much longer was I going to be able to deal with this? How much longer would he, before he finally decided to get up and leave and that I really just wasn't worth it? Really this shouldn't be that hard. I already knew he regreted it, even if he just told me he liked it, (I could always lie and pretend he hadn't said that), and that he was sorry he hurt me, even though he knew it could happen and blocked the thought that it could away. I should just ignore everything about me that said no and to just stay silent a little longer and fix this out.
"Why am I acting like this?" I asked in a faint whisper.

[Riley Pearson]

I looked up to her again when she whispered faintly and shook my head very slightly, "Because I'm an arse and this's probably how you should be acting..." I said quietly back to her before shifting my eyes back to the floor. I did sort of think that she was overreacting at least a little bit, but I didn't say that and I wasn't planning on saying it.
I'm not one to be expected to cheat. I really hadn't done anything much beforehand throughout the years we'd been together, so maybe that was why this was so difficult. She thinks that maybe I wouldn't do something like this because.. because I just don't do things like this. It probaly took her by more surpirse than she would've thought and made her felt even more betrayed.. not mention she actually saw it happening. If I walked in on her and somone else I would've left. I doubt I would've left for good, but at least for a while.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"N-no." I whispered, shaking my head a little, my hand lightly on my stomach where my eyes were. "I'm just overreacting." I whispered even softer. One of the things I'm good at. Overreacting and running away from everything. Though I did have to get some credit, I didn't actually run away this time, I might've walked out, but that was meerly to cool down and try and not feel so betrayed, I don't think he knew that. "I always do." Makes me wonder why you love me. How you even can.
I didn't see how he could love me, now or before this, with what I've done and recently with ignoring him and wanting to hate him. Bad mum, check, bad wife, check.

[Riley Pearson]

I kept my eyes on her when she spoke, listening to what she was telling me. I shrugged faintly at what she said. "Well, I don't blame you for overreacting at least a little bit.." I told her quietly, in a softer tone. "It was.. not something that you would want to see... if I ever walked in on that I probably would've just left for a while." I added a little quieter, almost in a whisper. "I'd be overreacting too..."

[Riyann Servansikk]

"It's been more than a little bit." I murmured in a whisper, still keeping my eyes on my stomach, I hadn't let him finish whatever he wanted to say, just spoke after he paused. He spoke again and I wanted to interject and just say, 'but I did see it, so what now?', though I didn't, I stayed silent and heard him say if it had been him in my position he would've left for a while, just left for a while, but I hadn't done that, I tried, but I stuck around and made things worse, harder. Would he really have come back? Somehow I wasn't sure if he would. I mean, he left for 'just a while' before when he only had to hear about it, somehow I wasn't so sure he'd come back if it had been me and someone else he'd walked in on.

[Riley Pearson]

"Maybe.." I said quietly, following her eyes to look at her stomach for a moment before looking back down to the floor.
I was pretty sure that I would've come back. Just not right away. I wouldn't just get up and leave. I needed to see the girls. I couldn't just leave them. They already had their mum do that once and the last thing they needed was for me to do the same thing. But now that I was thinking about it, had I witnessed something like that, I don't know if I would've stayed with her for sure. So technically, I'd come back but probably not the way she wanted me to. It was hard to say and really, I don't know what I would've done because I never did see it happen. Which was good because hearing about it was worse enough.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I heard him say maybe, and I wasn't sure if he was agreeing, disagreeing, or plain out trying to drop the subject, though I fully believed that I had overreacted more than I should have, done things I shouldn't have, and I realized that we could be having a different perspective on what we were talking about. He could think I hadn't overreacted because I was here, while I wasn't thinking about that bit at all.
The silence just fell between us like it always seemed to happen when things went wrong, had been wrong and still were, even when they were done being wrong, or when I was forcing the silence between us. This time I didn't want it, it was making me think that he was thinking along the same lines as I was, he wouldn't just leave for a while.

[Riley Pearson]

".. I can't really decide if you overreacted or not.." I said, shaking my head a little bit, after a moment of silence. They were different situations, so I really wasn't sure.
"I might've left. I dunno." I said very quietly, looking to the floor with slightly sad eyes. "I would've always loved you though..."

[Riyann Servansikk]

I stayed silent again, wanting to not over think this like I had so many other things, coming up with different outcomes, though this time it only seemed the one out come and I wasn't going to think about it, or at least try my hardest not too, not until I heard him speaking again, this time it got my attention, though it felt like my heart was breaking all over again, and I turned my eyes on him, seeing him looking to the floor. I barely heard the last part, it wouldn't have mattered, I'd screwed up so many other times that he thinks he might've left if he'd been faced with this situation, and it scared me.
So many times before this, ever since I first hurt him I wanted him to hate me or leave me so I'd stop it, but instead it didn't work so I would make the attempt of leaving him and only hurting him that last time, though that never worked. And now if he would've seen me kissing someone else, that mattered? I almost didn't believe it, even I hadn't wanted, not entirely ture, to leave. I wouldn't have at least, not unless everything now carried on further.

[[gah, no idea if any of that even made sense.]]

[Riley Pearson]

"I don't know.. maybe I wouldn't've.." I said shaking my head a little bit a moment later. ".. You should just stop listening to me, because I'm probably not making any sense at all.." I said quietly, still keeping my eyes on the floor, feeling her eyes on me.
"More than likely I would've tried, but not have been able too.."

[[ sort of?! i think? lol ^^ ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

I listened to him as he continued to speak, though none of it was making very much sense really, I couldn't comprehend what he was saying, though I did hear, ' you should just stop listening to me', clearly and had to repeat it a few times in my head before I understood it, and when I had, I was already looking away and down the hallway so my head was turned from his as well. Focus? He spoke again, and the only words I heard were, 'would've tried, been able too.' I was probably missing a lot though, but it didn't matter, that's what I heard and got from what he was saying, and I shut my eyes, wondering where everything had started going wrong between us, but somehow it always came back to me blaming myself for every coming to Hogwarts and messing with Riley's life, he would've been fine without me.

[Riley Pearson]

"I'm just gonna shut it right now.." I said quietly, shaking my head a little bit, rubbing the back of my neck. It didn't really even seem like she was paying attention so I thought I should just stop talking. Plus, I probably wasn't even making sense.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I sat there, hand still over my stomach, eyes still not on him, but looking up the opposite end of the hallway, and I was trying to calm myself down. On the outside I seemed perfectly fine, or as perfectly fine as you could expect since I saw them. On the inside I was trying to keep my breathing normal, figure out what was going on, and why everything bad seemed to come and hit us instead of anyone else. And then guilt hit me for even wanting this to all happen to someone else. I'd rather it never happened at all, in our relationship or anyone elses.

[Riley Pearson]

"Do you have anything to say?" I asked a few moments later, hating how she wasn't saying anything and just staying quiet. The silence was starting to get to me and I was starting to get more and more nervous for some reason. I wasn't nervous before so I really don't know why I was. I just didn't want to start rambling or saying something stupid.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I barely shook my head, trying to figure out what I should say, could say, no words really coming to me at the moment. "I-I..." I started and bit my lip softly. "Sorry." I added, sahking my head again, trying to make it seem like nothing and looked at him, wanting to figure everything out now.

[Riley Pearson]

I shook my head a little. "You don't have to be sorry, I'm just.. I dunno what I am.." I said quietly with a small sigh.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I shook my head a little when he said not to be sorry, really I had only been searching for something to say, and I was sorry, I really was. "You dunno what you are?" I asked, slightly confused by that but staying silent other than that question.

[Riley Pearson]

"I dunno.. I'm just being weird.." I said, shaking my head a little bit again. "I dunno what I'm thinking anymore.." I added, before waiting a moment and standing up slowly. I was just gonna go in the kitchen and make some tea but I didn't know what Riyann was going to think I was doing. I was too preoccupied with everything to mention it though.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I didn't really understand what he had been getting at, though I sort of did understand how he just didn't know. How he couldn't tell what he was thinking was different, but possibly understandable? I was busy trying to think of an answer or something to say and before I knew it he was starting to get up, making my heart skip a beat. Would've tried, been able too. His words flooded back into my thoughts and I was scared to think that he wasn't only just meaning then, that he could even mean now. My eyes were locked on him, the rest of me frozen, afraid saying something or doing something would only make him leave faster, I didn't want to remember this being the last thing we'd done together, trying to figure this out in an odd way. I didn't want to forget his face like I was afraid I would if he did go.

[Riley Pearson]

I glanced over to her once I was standing, seeing her eyes locked on me. I coudln't really describe the look on her face, but at the moment I was taking it as she didn't know what I was doing. If maybe she thought I was going to leave, just like that.
I shook my head a little bit before crouching down in front of her and kissing her cheek. "I'm just getting some tea.. not going anywhere.." I told her quietly before standing up again and going into the kitchen so I could make some.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I saw him standing now, before he looked over and it took me a minute before I realized that I actually had to inhale and exhale, but I did it so it wasn't very noticable that I'd forgotten to and how to breathe. I think I might've blinked slightly longer than I had wanted, because when I had he'd started moving, when I opened my eyes he was crouching in front of me. Really, instead of having him kiss my cheek I wanted to kiss him back, but I was still frozen in place it felt, and the only thing I could think is that this was a really bad love story, which almost made me laugh inwardly. I finally nodded, though he was already in the kitchen when I had and I bit my lip softly.

[Riley Pearson]

I still wasn't positive what she thought, but it really did seem like she thought I was going to leave. I had never just told her that I didn't think that I could, then again I also said I might be able to try to leave her. So I hope that she heard exactly what I said and not something like I was going to try and leave her and could probably do it. Beucase I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to and would just find my way right back to her.
I made some tea in the kitchen, using magic now not really wanting to put much effort into it and went back into the hallway. I sat down again and took a sip of it before looking over to her. "You okay, Riyann?" I asked her quietly a few moments later.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Either I spaced out, staring at the spot where his face had been moments before he moved back to the kitchen to make himself some tea, or he just as well used magic to do it, but suddenly he was back and sitting down next to me again, and I turned and looked at him, smiling weakly towards him after hearing him ask me if I was okay. Really, I was far from it, now really not wanting him to go out of my sight incase he suddenly came to his mind and took off, possibly with the twins.

[Riley Pearson]

I smiled faintly back to her, even though she didn't answer and I just left it at that, not asking her again. "So um.. just forget whatever I told her before.. I-I really don't know what I even said anymore.." I told her shaking my head very faintly and looking down at my tea as I did it.