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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 21, 2008 3:44:51 GMT
"Guess so.. maybe my weak attepmt at suicide would be a bit closer.." I said quietly, wondering how I started to talk about this and slightly wishing that I hadn't. It was doing a good just at distracting me though.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 21, 2008 3:51:06 GMT
"Yeah...." I bite my lip again. "That was more the sort of stupid I meant. Drinking, cutting, suicide attempts... picking stupid fights and switching loyalties. That sort of thing."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 21, 2008 3:52:33 GMT
I nodded some, "Yeah.. that.." I said quietly again, staring down at my tea, biting my lip faintly for another moment. ".. Sorry.. I don't know why I started talking about this..."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 21, 2008 3:55:23 GMT
"Probably because I brought it up." I shake my head, sighing again. "And it's all going to be like that again, isn't it?" I ask after a moment. "More or less."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 21, 2008 3:56:29 GMT
I shrugged faintly, I honestly couldn't remember who brought it up, but I guess it didn't really matter much. "Well, I hope not.. I think I have enough to handle right now.." I said quietly, nodding a little bit.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 21, 2008 3:58:32 GMT
"Well, if the war is starting up...." I shake my head, biting my lip worriedly.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 21, 2008 4:02:23 GMT
".. Then there's not much we can do about it.." I told her quietly, shaking my head faintly as I looked up to her from my tea. ".. More or less it just seems like a bunch of Death Eaters trying to start it again..." Which is basically the same thing..
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 21, 2008 4:07:18 GMT
"Which is quite bad enough, I think," I point out, raising my eyebrows. "It comes down to the same thing... and I don't know where Fitzy is," I add in a rush, biting my lip again again.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 21, 2008 4:10:46 GMT
I looked down to my tea again, having Lil's face run across my mind momentarily as I think about Death Eaters and what they were doing. What she did. I looked back up to her when I heard Fitzy's name. I was a bit preoccupied with thinking about Llian for a moment, so it took me a coupld seconds to work out what she said.
"Have you talked to him lately? Or have you seen Melody at least?" I asked looking up to her, frowning slightly, "If he has Melody, I'm sure he's okay.." Hopeefuly..
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 21, 2008 4:17:03 GMT
Because that's eminently logical, I think immediately, raising my eyebrows... but then just shake my head. "Haven't seen them since I got back... and Lilith said she hasn't seen them in over a month, though she did at least hear from him sometimes up until a couple of weeks ago."
I shake my head again, putting my tea down on the counter behind me so that I can cross my arms. "I don't know if I'm more worried that he's back with them too or that he's... not."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 21, 2008 4:30:57 GMT
I nodded slightly as I listened to her, assuming that this was what was bothering her that she didn't want to talk about earlier. I wasn't exactly sure what to tell her. Not hearing from someone in a couple of weeks usually isn't a good sigh, but I wasn't planning on saying that outloud, even if I was pretty sure that Arden already knew that small fact.
I stand up and walk over to her, trying to think of somethng I could possibly tell her, as I set my mug down next to hers on the counter. "I know what mean.." I told her with a faint nod. Kill or be killed... I thought to myself, leaning against where I just put my mug. ".. I bet that they're okay though... Fitzy may be... I'm not sure what, but if Melody's with him, he's probably just being extra careful." I tried to assure her, placing a hand gently on her shoulder.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 22, 2008 1:41:16 GMT
"Hope so...." I frown very faintly at the ground, then shake my head and instinctively move a little closer to him when I register his hand on my shoulder. "At any rate, I'm trying not to worry."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 22, 2008 2:05:29 GMT
I nodded a little bit and when she moved closer and moved a little close too, wrapping my arms around her in a loose hug, so she could easily pull away if she wanted to. "That's good... You shouldn't worry until you know you have a reason to.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 22, 2008 2:54:36 GMT
"Because that's so easy to do." I half-laugh, relaxing at first into the hug but then thinking I'd better pull away.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 22, 2008 2:57:03 GMT
I laughed faintly and nodded, "Exaclty." I said smiling faintly now too, feeling her relax a bit into the hug. "But really.. it's not very healthy to worry so much." Like I can talk.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 22, 2008 3:00:26 GMT
"No, probably not," I agree, before sighing almost inaudibly and pulling away. I don't want anything to happen accidentally... not right now. Somehow it still wouldn't quite be right.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 22, 2008 3:02:50 GMT
I nodded a little bit as she started to pull away and let her, moving my arms out from around her. I couldn't be positive why she pulled away but I'd have to say one of my first guesses had to do with what usually happend during times like this. And honestly, I wasn't really even thinking about it. I think too much was really going on for that to even run across my mind. It just felt realy nice to hug somebody that wasn't one of my family members.
"We'll find out where they are.. I bet they're fine." I told her, picking up my mug again and taking another drink. Now slightly thinking about just how many people I was friends with.. They seemed to be dwindling every year that went by. I hadn't seen Kyra in.. close to a year now, Riyann was basically off the list now that I wasn't sure if I could handle it anymore, Jay was dead, I was never really friends with Shelby.. Lilian was gone.
All I had left was Arden. At least that's what it felt like and all of a sudden I felt a lot closer to her. And on top of that, I sort of felt like I was somehow going to mess up our relationship and then she'd leave me to... or something would happen.
I glanced down in my tea, frowning slightly again, feeling like I just thought of way too much in this small amount of time, but it was just one of those things that hits you and I realised that I really don't have close friends. Just my family and Arden.
"... You know I just realised that you're the only good friend I have left..." I said quietly to her, still frowning into the tea.
[ oh goodness.. haha.. sorry.. rambly much? ]
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 23, 2008 2:03:21 GMT
I nod very vaguely when he says that they'll be fine, not really agreeing as I'm not fully listening. But then I look up in surprise at the second thing he says, prompting me to run through my own mental list.
Ian and Maddie have left... Chance I've barely thought of, Dahlia and Laken I've also lost touch with, pretty much. I don't even honestly know whether Shelby and I are friends, everyone else is an acquaintance and Logan is probably dead because I think I was the only thing that kept him from just laying down and dying in that place.
There's a rush of guilt and pain at this last thought, even though it really isn't the first time I've thought it. I haven't yet gotten the courage to stop by Azkaban to confirm it, and at this point I don't think I will - which means, even if he miraculously isn't at the moment, he very likely will be pretty soon. All for the best, of course.
I bite my lip hard to stop myself from crying, nodding and blinking all the while before I can speak. "You know, come to think of it... I think that you're the same. Other than Lilith, I guess."
And that is very bleak for the both of us.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 23, 2008 2:20:47 GMT
I looked up to her when she spoke and nodded faintly, wondering just how that happend. I feel like it wasn't long ago that there were a lot more people, a lot more friends. I just didn't understand where they all went. But as soon as I tried to figure it out, I realised that I didn't want to. That's just something else depressing that I can't really do anything about. And now that I've stated she's probably the only friend I have left, I feel awful because I've lead her to think about just that same thing. It's really not the best feeling to feel and I didn't have any intentions of spreading it over to her.
I nodded faintly, "... It's kind of sad actually..." I said quietly, ".. no offense, of course..." I added shortly after, mainly because Arden basically was my best friend, especially right now after what's happend. "Just.. I can't seem to think about where they all went.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 23, 2008 2:29:21 GMT
"No...." I agree, shaking my head... though I'm not really sure what I'm agreeing with, because I'm pretty sure I do know where all mine went. But maybe I don't know where his went, that's all.
"But yeah, it is sad," I add after a moment with a brief laugh. "I'm not offended, trust me. It's definitely sad."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 23, 2008 2:35:23 GMT
I nodded slightly with a faint only slightly humorous chuckle, "That's good.." I said nodded a little. "That's the last thing I want to do.." I added glancing down to my tea again for a second. "But.. yeah.. it is." I repeated for some reason, not really being positive what the reason was.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 23, 2008 2:47:23 GMT
"Mm-hmm," I nod unnecessarily - much like his repetition was unnecessary - and then laugh slightly. "No, I guess you wouldn't want to offend me if I'm your only friend left."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 23, 2008 2:49:01 GMT
I laughed a little at her comment and nodded. "Exactly.." I said letting out a small sigh too. Great... What do I say now? I asked myself biting my lip a little bit and taking a sip of my tea. "I think I'd rather hold onto you." I said, meaning that I wouldn't want to lose my only friend left, not even thinking about the fact that she could mis-interpret that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 23, 2008 2:55:21 GMT
"Thanks...." I smile faintly, trying not to think about any potential extra meanings in those words. But maybe if he'd said something without said potential extra meanings, I wouldn't say what I do next, as it's really not a cheery subject but at least it's a different one.
"Is it really bad that I think one of my friends might be dead now just because I went away and didn't visit him?" I ask in kind of a rush. "Or am I just... kind of thinking too much of myself there?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 23, 2008 3:00:57 GMT
I smiled a little bit back, taking that as maybe she didn't catch the other meaning to the words. I didn't just think of them until now and I didn't mean them in that way. I looked up to her at what she said next, really not expecting her to say that. I wasn't sure how to reply to that. I opened my mouth wordlessly once before shutting it again, "Um.." I shook my head faintly as I started, "I.. Why would you think that?" I asked her quietly, pretty sure that wasn't the right thing to say, but it just sort of came out.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 23, 2008 3:12:08 GMT
I shake my head in response, reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ear unnecessarily because it's already there and really it's just a gesture of nervousness. "I - sorry, never mind. Just something I was thinking of again because you mentioned friends, and losing them, and now I'm just babbling sorry."
Why in the hell would you mention that to someone?
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 23, 2008 3:16:25 GMT
I shook my head, "No, you don't have to be sorry.. I just.. I really don't think that it's your fault.. if he is." I said quietly, glancing down for a moment, but looking back up to her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 23, 2008 3:20:09 GMT
"He was in bloody Azkaban," I mutter, resigning myself to saying this because even if I don't I'll just wind up saying it later. "And nobody cared, except me and only a little. Of course he must be dead and I... I should've... not disappeared like I did, if only for that."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Oct 23, 2008 3:23:55 GMT
I frowned slightly, glancing down again, but only for a moment or two. "He might not be dead.." I said shaking my head faintly. I didn't really know what to do, which is why I pulled her into another hug, hoping she wouldn't mind, but I really coudln't tell if she was going to or not anymore. "But nothing's your fault, okay?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 23, 2008 3:29:01 GMT
He has a good point, that he might not be dead. I haven't really bothered to find out, so how in the hell could I know?
But somehow I just do. At some point while I was in Canada, I don't even remember exactly when, I suddenly realized he must be. Either way, the hug feels good and I return it, kissing him briefly on the cheek before pulling away. "Sorry."
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