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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 20:51:20 GMT
I nodded at what he said, feeling my heart break in two again, more so because I knew I was going to hurt somebody, no matter what I did, and I really did love him, I did, there was nothing that was going to stop me from loving him.
Moving a hand up I wiped my eyes again before looking back at him and then staring at the table in front of me. I wanted more than anything for him to be able to get in my head and know what I was trying to do and not do, what was going on and everything, but I'm sure it wouldn't make much, if not any, sense at all, and I sighed softly, really thinking that hitting my head would help right now.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 20:56:04 GMT
"Just.. out of curiousity.." I started, biting my lip a little bit and glancing up to her again. "What's living with her doing exactly?" I was sort of scared to ask her but at the same time was curious and did want to know the answer. Maybe it would make things easier somehow.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 21:00:48 GMT
I knew he was going to ask that question, sooner or later, and here it was, and I wasn't sure if I could answer it. What was it doing? Asides from the fact that it was keeping me away from my family and being with Shelby and her family. "Letting me think." I whispered, it was, and that was probably the best answer I could have, though I was wondering if he'd be offended by it because it said that living with him wasn't.
Biting my lip a little I moved and rested my forehead against the table, not slamming it down, but I could pretend that I had.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 21:04:20 GMT
"Yeah.. but isn't it just... making you love her even more?" I asked, slightly hesitently a moment or two later. I got that she needed to think, I just couldn't process why it had to be with them.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 21:12:52 GMT
And now that I was being asked these questions it seemed that he didn't trust me, and I could tell why, but it made me want to just get up and leave. "It's letting me think." I muttered, not saying anything to his question. That's what it was doing, letting me think.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 21:20:27 GMT
I left it at that and nodded. "Okay.. just forget I asked anything.." I said shaking my head a little bit. That's how I thought that was going to go and I didn't exactly want her to leave so I shut up about it. It wasn't that I didn't trust her, because I still did.. not as much as originally, but I still did. The question didn't have anything to do with trust. I knew she loved Shelby and I figured that's just what would happen.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 21:25:26 GMT
I only nodded again. Really, with how he asked if I wouldn't just end up loving her more, after saying it was letting me think, it seemed he had absolutely no trust or faith in me that I wouldn't figure this out or give him a chance at all and that it was all just going to turn out for Shelby. Moving my head a little I let it fall back against the table with a small thump before bringing my arms up, crossing them on the table and resting my head against them.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 21:31:14 GMT
"Look.. I didn't mean anything by it." I said quietly after she layed her head down on the table. "I know you need time to figure things out, I just.. don't understand the way you're doing it. I still trust you."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 22:35:16 GMT
I just nodded against my arms a little, wanting to walk out of here, but at the same time I knew that I'd end up crying if I did, and then I just wanted to sit here and talk to him, but either one was going to probably end up worse, either of the two making me feel guiltier.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 22:37:46 GMT
I sighed a little again and shrugged. "Forget I said anything..." I said quietly, glancing over to the counter, not seeing anyone by it, figuring they were in the back with the cake.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 22:43:53 GMT
Hearing him sigh made me shut my eyes tight. I didn't know what I was doing to him, I was just hoping that maybe he'd be able to deal with this for a little while longer, which makes me feel bad because I'm asking for a whole lot it seems.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 22:48:59 GMT
I stayed quiet now, trying not to say something else stupid to make her even more distant. I hated when it was like this and I couldn't think of anything to make it better.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 22:52:24 GMT
"I'm sorry, I'm probably making things worse." I muttered, staring down at the table I was face to face with as I spoke.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 22:59:48 GMT
"No.." I said quietly. "I'm just saying the wrongs things.." I said shaking my head a little bit.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 23:02:58 GMT
"No, you're fine." I whispered softly, still having much interest in the table. "I can't even answer your bloody questions and then I make things awkward again." I said, shaking my head a little. Great, now we're arguing about who's making it worse, both defending the othe, brilliant.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 23:06:26 GMT
I shrugged a little bit. "I don't want to argue..." I said quietly."It's okay.. you don't have to answer anything you don't want to."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 23:10:04 GMT
Nodding, I sighed faintly, nodding again when he said I didn't have to answer what I didn't want to. That much was obvious, but still, he wasn't being the jerk with anything, I was, and I was being defensive over everything and anything.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 23:13:13 GMT
"So.. You want anything?" I asked after a few moments. "Coffee or tea or, something?"
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 23:15:54 GMT
I lifted my head up from my arms after a moment and just rested my chin on them instead so that I could look at him or the table. "Uhm, no I'm good." I whispered softly, shaking my head a little.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 23:23:45 GMT
I nodded slightly, all of a sudden getting sort of anxious, thining I could probably use some tea. "Okay.."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 23:30:17 GMT
I returned my gaze to the table after he said okay, shutting my eyes lightly. It really didn't seem like I was thinking about this at all, maybe that was my problem, whenever I started thinking I always got distracted or interrupted by someone else, not that it was bad, I'm just easily distracted.
So I started thinking.
Riley was usually always there, except for when he went off to get drunk, when I needed him, but the times he went off to get drunk I usually messed something up and really do need him there, he just isn't. And then Shelby, so far she's been there, unless you count the times that she found out I was snorting Cocaine, and the other time she thought I was, and then when she's drunk and upset she keeps bringing things up to hurt me, not that she knows it, she's drunk.
Sighing softly I shut my eyes tight for a moment before opening them and looking at Riley. I really am no good at this thing.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 23:36:32 GMT
It was quiet again and I sighed a little to myself. "Just so you know..." I started quietly. "It's probably better that you weren't home when I got back." I said with a small nod. "I meant to leave and just think and I ended up drinking way too much." I started to explain, having a feeling she already knew that I got drunk. "I.. It's a problem... and I'm trying to stop. I know drinking isn't a good solution.." I said still looking at her, biting my lip a little bit. "So I'm sorry.."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 23:43:29 GMT
"Better in which way?" I asked, shutting my eyes again and shook my head before looking back to him. "I get that it's a problem Riley, but I left you." I whispered, biting my lip a little.
Shelby trusts me, at least I'm more than sure she does, and Riley, I'm more than sure, doesn't trust me with things any more, no matter how many times he says it, I don't think he ever will, he practically proved that when he brought up the whole Shelby thing and the Ryan thing and then kept saying that he only kissed Arden, didn't sleep with her.
"I-it's not your fault Riley." I said softly, shaking my head a little. It wasn't his fault that he did have a drinking problem when things started going downward. No one I knew was helping him. Hell, I saw him trying to stop, he poured out all the firewhiskey that I had when he found out Jay died.
Thinking about Jay, I wanted to bring up the whole trust thing, just to see if he did trust me.
"Do you really trust me Riley?" I asked in a small whisper, moving my head and hands from the table and sitting up to look at him, searching his eyes for the answer.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 23:54:46 GMT
"Well, it would've been preferable that you came back the next day... but I just wanted you to know that I don't mean to do it.." I said quietly, shaking my head a little bit.
I looked over to her when she said it wasn't my fault and just nodded a little bit, blinking away a tear or two from my eyes. I guess it wasn't entirely my fault, but in the same way I definately saw that it was.
She asked me if I really trusted her and I looked over at her. "I do more than you probably think I do." I said quietly with a small nod.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 23:59:05 GMT
I didn't say anything about his first comment, the one where he said it'd be perferable for me to come back the next day. And saw him look back at me with a couple of tears in his eyes and I bit my lip softly, but I didn't look away. "It wasn't, it's not your fault Riley." I whispered softly when he didn't say anything.
"Mustn't be much." I murmured. "Riley, when I told you Jay was dead, before that, when I only said his name, what were you thinking?" I asked quietly, feeling my eyes water a little bit as I asked the question.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 7, 2008 0:07:31 GMT
I shrugged slightly when she said it wasn't my fault, hugging my arms slightly closer to me. "I'm sure it was at least a little bit." I said quietly with a small nod, looking over at her as she looked at me.
I bit my lip and looked down to the floor at the question, not wanting to answer it. "Please don't make me answer that.." I said quietly, wiping a tear off my cheek.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 7, 2008 0:11:44 GMT
"I already know the answer." I muttered, feeling a couple of tears fall past my eyes as I pushed myself up from my seat and started towards the door. I knew he didn't trust me, I knew he didn't, but he's been lying to me, trying to convince me that he did, but he didn't, and it hurt that he couldn't answer, he couldn't convince me anymore, he wasn't going to trust me. I knew he wasn't going to.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 7, 2008 0:15:31 GMT
I watched her get up and I shook my head getting up after her. "Riyann, stop." I said shaking my head still and following her, placing myself infront of the door.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 7, 2008 0:34:40 GMT
I just bit my lip and looked away when he came between me and the door, my arms instinctively comeing and crossing in front of my chest. "Riley I get it, you don't trust me, you probably haven't for a long time. So why are you holding onto me so badly?" I asked, risking a glance at him, but it turned out for me to keep looking at him questioning. I could feel a couple more tears fall down from my eyes and just roll down my cheeks, but I didn't do anything about them.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 7, 2008 0:46:23 GMT
"No, Riyann, I do trust you... You have to believe me, please." I said shaking my head a little. "I'm holding onto you because I love you." I know it seemed like I didn't and there was a small part of me that didn't but the I trusted her in every aspect. "I trust you with my life.. that's a different type of trust." I said wondering if that made sense. I really just wasn't making much sense lately.
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