Missing for a day;;Riley

[Riyann Servansikk]

Sad to say that as each day passed I couldn't help but feel like I was a horrible mum. I walked out on my kids without saying good bye. I was a horrible wife too. Cheating and then not saying good bye this last time I walked out on him. Then again I didn't much want to say good bye to my drunk husband. I didn't know if I even wanted to leave.

Now I had Shelby though, which made me seem like a bitch, because I had her kids too, James the little cutie too, which it almost seemed as if I was trying to replace Charlotte and Ariella.
Believe me, I wasn't. I just couldn't face them.

Today was their birthday, and as much as the point was to run away and stay away I went and took a walk in Diagon Alley. It wasn't like I was going to run into everyone I knew. It wasn't that likely.
I hope Shelby can understand why I left for the day though.

[[Short.. g2g]]

[Riley Pearson]

A few days had passed and Charlotte and Ariella were starting to wonder where their mum went. I finally had them back home now that Zoe had moved in. It was good having someone else around to help watch them and take care of them when I had work, or like today, when I had to go pick up their birthday cake. Normally, I would've just baked one, but I hadn't had very much time and honestly had been way to depressed lately to think about doing something that draining. A lot of people wouldn't believe this, but baking is pretty tiring.

I sighed again as I walked down the highstreet, pushing open the door to a small bakery that was pretty well hidden from view. I was pretty sure it had to be bad for business but then again, I knew about it, so I'm sure a few others did too.

The most disapointing thing about today was that it was Ella's and Char's tenth birthday and where was their mum? I didn't know and surely they didn't know. Probably the only ones who knew were Shell and the rest of the family, which I found to be missing when I went to see if Riyann was there.

I just didn't understand why this was happening.

The woman in the bakery said it was going to be a little while longer and that I was either welcome to take a seat or come back later. I thanked her giving a small smile and went to sit down in a small booth by the front window. I just didn't want to think about how Riyann could just leave us. Just like that. She didn't even say goodbye to twins.. or me for that matter.

Now that it'd been a few days I thought it was about time they knew and I told them what happend yesterday. It wasn't very good and I didn't want to tell them, but I was pretty sure that I had to eventually and I tried to tell them as gently as possible. Then insisted their mum didn't leave them, but left me, which they seemed to have a hard time believing.

I looked out the window and then to my hands before taking a double look at the people walking by. I thought I saw Riyann but maybe I was just thinking I did because I looked back up and she was already gone.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Why of all places I had to see him here, I'd been feeling guilty enough as it was, but having to see him made another layer of guilt weigh me down and I kept walking, pretending to not have noticed him, hoping to go unnoticed myself. I can't exactly do this forever though, which really felt like throwing a cold bucket of water over my head and then throwing me out in the middle of winter to freeze. He had said he didn't know how much more he could take and in my mind I was doing him a favor, especially since we can't keep ourselves for eachother.
Besides I love Shelby.

Ten years, ten bloody fucking glorious years and I was missing their birthday to run away and be with someone else. I'd been the one to be the reason for Shelly and their family moving, poor Zoe couldn't even come back if she wanted to.

Because of me and my stupidity and undecided mind.

M-maybe I could go and see the twins for the day instead, but I guess only if I didn't have to pretend everything was happy daiseys, which would work if he already told them.
Which would only be a stab in the heart for me.

Maybe I shouldn't even be considering going to see them, because you know, they probably hate me now. Maybe. Who knows, maybe Charlotte hating me was just an act or something, trying to make me feel guilty or something stupid.

Why did everything have to be stupid in my mind?

[Riley Pearson]

My curiousity was gettting the best of me and biting my lip, I hesitatently stood up and walked over to the door of the bakery. I pushed it open, stepping outside into the summer sun. It was a bright and sunny day outside and I squinted my eyes as I looked down the street, my heart skipping a beat when I see Riyann up the street, still walking.

I didn't see the front of her face, but I knew that it was her. I've lived with her long enough to know what she looks like from behind. I paused for a moment, deciding whether or not to go after her.

I bit my lip again before jogging ahead a little bit. "Riyann." I said as I followed her, slowing down when I was closer to her.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I could feel my heart beating faster when I heard him calling my name, sure I could just be confused and there was someone else I knew with a similar voice calling after me and jogging to catch up and slowing down when they got closer, and nearly the same height as him and had the same looks and same curly hair and everything. I really doubt it.

"Hi." I muttered when he was close enough to hear it, feeling like I was just ripping my heart in half when I didn't exactly want to talk to him, because I knew that I loved him.

Didn't mean anything though. Whenever we have problems he solves them by going and getting drunk and I solve mine by running away from them. Very effective on both our parts, right? Not really. I shook my head lightly, still feeling guilty that I could stay with Shelby and watch her around her kids, kiss James goodnight when alls I could do was think about the twins and think about how I left them.

[[g2g for a little bit. maybe, hopefully b eon later.]]

[Riley Pearson]

[[ aww, okay, hopefully see you later then! ]]

I heard her mutter hi and wondered whether or not I should've went after her. "Hey." I said quietly back, shoving my hands in my pockets. I didn't know what I should say. I didn't want to automactically jump to how she left or anything similar to that, but I did want to talk to her. Then again, I did and at the same time I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what she was had to say.

"Um... How've you been?" I asked, saying the first thing that didn't seem offensive after a few moments of a somewhat awkward silence.

What I really wanted to ask her was how she could just leave her two daughters. I wanted to tell her that she should come to my parents for their party, but I wasn't sure if she should. One way I think it would be good and in another, I didn't know how the girls would react.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I heard him say hey and bit down on my lip, wondering why of all things he still wanted to talk to me. This was the first time I'd seen him since he'd left and I hadn't heard about him since, hadn't made the attempt to see him, nothing, making me curious to know if he knew I wasn't making the attempt or how he felt about all of this. Again.

Shrugging my shoulders at his question I looked over at him before looking back infront of me and kept walking, to where, I haven't the clue. I just needed to clear my head, which I dunno if walking through crowded streets was going to help.
Probably not.

"Fine." I muttered softly, sighing a little, knowing that first day was all but fine, the next days I was just hiding everything. Not everything. I mean, I did love Shelby, I loved the kids. I just hated how I abandoned my kids.

If I didn't have a heart I might've asked him the same question, because I didn't think I was going to be all smiles and laughs at what he had to say. Probably hates me.

[Riley Pearson]

I watched her look away from me and glanced down to the cobblestone as I heard her sigh. It didn't really sound like she wanted to talk to me. Then again, I don't really know why she would want to talk to me. She was the one who left.. even if I technically did first, I came back.. well, I came back drunk, so maybe it was better that she wasn't there. The point was though that I did want her to come back and when she didn't, I didn't know what to do. I just needed time to think about the situation. Even if, in that time, I got drunk, I did do some thinking in the process before it happend.

I nodded slightly biting my lip a little bit, keeping my hands in my pockets, only pulling one out to smooth down some of my hair as she answered. I didn't know what to say now, still, and thought about just walking away. That wouldn't really be too smart I guess though, considered I did want to talk to her.

"I tried to find you the other day.. went to Shelby's.." I said quietly, looking down at the ground for another moment. "House was empty." I added as if she didn't already know. I knew they were together and I knew I was the reason they left the house.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I wanted to ask him more than anything how he could've just gotten up, left to get drunk, knowing full well that I probably wouldn't be there, why he'd do that if he wanted me to stay. But I didn't. I stayed silent and decided that it wouldn't help any if I started talking about something that annoyed him or made him put the blame on himself, which he hopefully wasn't doing.

"We're staying in a different house." I muttered softly, not sure what I could say around him before he just left for something other than talking to me.
I'm pretty sure that he didn't want to here 'we' as in his wife and his cousin, to late I guess.

I stayed silent for a moment, biting at my lip before thinking of something to say. "I told you that I needed to think." I whispered, referring to the note I'd left, wondering if he'd even read it or found it or not. Probably should have done something than leave, knowing he was coming back drunk of all things, and leave a note to explain myself. It sort of seemed stupid now that I think about it. Then again, everything I think, do, or say is stupid. At least in my mind it is.
Luck you found me today.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded slightly when she answered me, keeping my mouth shut instead of telling her that it was obvious or some other smart allect remark that would just probably make things worse. "I figured." I settled with, not liking how she said we. Even though I really wasn't sure how else she could've said it. I knew she was with her so it wasn't like it was too big of a surprise.

She told me that she needed to think again and I nodded. "I understand.." I said quietly, glancing to the ground. "It's just.. it's been a while... the girl's kept asking me questions." I said as I found quite a bit of interest in my shoes. "You remember today's the girl's birthday?" I added softy, looking up to her. I hoped that she didn't take that the wrong way, but I did want to know considering she sort of just abandoned us for a whole new family. Even if it hadn't been too long, I though it had been long enough. I thought that she would've been done thinking by now, but it's sounding like she's pretty comfortable with them.

But I knew that this whole situation was my fault. If I hadn't've left the house to "think"-- which actually I really meant to think, it just didn't end up that way -- she probably would've stayed. It was my fault she was gone and it was probably my fault too that the girl's weren't even going to see their own mum on their tenth birthday.

I thought back to what Shelby told me again and thought about trying to clear that up with Riyann. Maybe it wasn't true.. then again, if it was, I don't really think that I want to hear about it. "Um.. She told me that.. you had divorce papers?" I asked quieter than I had been talking, still looking to the ground, with a slightly sad and blank look in my eyes, then wondering if I should've said it.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I let out a small sigh after hearing him say that he figured as much and I just shook my head faintly, not even wanting to comment on that, though it hurt a little because I could tell that he thought the whole thinking thing didn't involve 'thinking about us', or maybe that's just what I thought he was thinking.
This was all just giving me a headache now, and really it didn't take much to make that happen.

Nodding a little I just kept walking, not looking over at him, just listening and trying not to do something stupid. Yeah, the time will come though. It hadn't actually been all that long, a week maybe, and I probably should have this figured out within that time, huh? With the girls asking questions that means it lead to explanations and I was out of their life again, wasn't I? My own fault, I know this, so I should just stop thinking about how I messed this up again and be trying to figure out my whole little situation.

Turning to look at him I stopped walking, almost wanting to laugh that he could even ask me that. "No Riley, with only being gone for a little bit around a week I forgot about my own kids birthday. Stupid stupid me." I said, rolling my eyebrows and starting to walk the other direction before stopping and just turning to look at him.

She as in Shelby. As in she was either just trying to mess with Riley or, I dunno what else she was trying to do with that. "D-do you want me to?" I asked in a small whisper. I hadn't been gone that long, I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave him, though with all the fighting maybe it'd be better, but I was starting to get sort of worried about his statement, well more of a question because he didn't know.

And now I sound like I really would hate the idea of being with Shelby and not being married to him, and I wasn't sure that I would or wouldn't hate it, just needed to think.

[Riley Pearson]

I looked over to her as she answered and I just shook my head a little with a very faint smile. "I just.. I dunno, thought you'd want to see them." I said quietly with a small shrug. I still wasn't sure if they wanted to see her though, so I didn't want her to show up and then have them be horrible, which could be likely. But if I was her, I think I would want to be with them.

I shook my head, "No, I don't.." I said quietly looking over to her again. "But Shelby told me that you had them and all you needed was for me to sign them." I explained glancing down to my feet for a few moments. I couldn't tell by the way she replied if Shelby had been lying or not, but I did want to know.

I really did just want her to be happy.. Even if I knew what that meant and if I didn't want it to happen.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Seeing him smile faintly made me roll my eyes a little. "Right Riley, I just wanted to leave them and never have to see them again, or have anything to do with them." I said, shaking my head to look away, knowing that I had raised my voice a little, but not doing anything about it. He made it seem like I was heartless and couldn't have any want of seeing my own daughters, and it made me just that much more angry with him. Crossing my arms across my chest I was trying to debate between leaving or staying around to wait for some sort of insult or for him to mock me or something so that I really wouldn't want to be around him anymore. Which seems stupid.

"Well maybe Shelby lied." I said, still not giving him the answer that he wanted, either a yes to having them or a no to not.
Honestly, I couldn't really care at the moment.
Sort of.

So Shelby's lying to him, Riley's believing her, and I dunno what to do about anything anymore. Oh yeah, this is just perfect. Everything that I had wanted and expected, especially the cheating on my husband with his cousin part. I actually just wanted to take a break and figure who I really did love and stop with the stupid little flings, if that was what it was.

[Riley Pearson]

I bit my lip a little bit, "I didn't mean anything by it.. I just thought you'd want to know that we're having cake at my parent's house.." I said softly with a faint shrug, looking infront of me still. The last thing I wanted to do was make her upset.

"It's not like it didn't cross my mind.." I said quietly, glancing over to her. I would've prefered an answer, but now I could thell that I wasn't going to get one. "I never really believed her.. I just wanted to know if I should have." I added, biting my lip faintly again as my fingers played with a loose galleon that was in my pocket still.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"Right." I muttered, still keeping my head turned away from him, starting to wonder if he even really cared or not. Some of his actions and a few of the things he said, or says, tells me that he did, but then there was the other part of the rest of it that told me that he really didn't and just didn't want to lose me to his cousin.
I didn't answer to what he said about having a cake at his parents house.
I didn't want to. He probably, more than likely, had told them that once again I'd left him, and in my mind his parents probably hated me. Why should I care though, it'd be for my kids. Then again, they'd probably be the same as his mum with hating me.

Really, right now, the only thing that was keeping me from doing something utterly stupid was the fact that we, I was pregnant. I wasn't going to mess that up again. But in a few months I'd be doing something stupid after the baby is born.
It's almost completely obvious that I will.

I just shrugged when he said it wasn't like it didn't cross his mind. Not like I'm a mind reader and can tell these things, but I held myself from saying another thing wrong and stayed silent again.

I never really believed her, just wanted to know if I should have. I kept thinking about what he just said and sighed softly.
It wasn't his fault that this was happening, so I was just being a complete bitch for not at least telling him whether or not I had divorce papers, signed by me already and just waiting for his signature that might not even come.
I didn't, but I could at least tell him that.
Maybe.

[Riley Pearson]

"Well I didn't.." I said softly again as she kept her head turned away from me. She didn't say anything else and I sighed slightly, wondering again if I should just leave and go back to the bakery. It didn't really seem like she wanted to talk to me. But I did want to talk to her so I stayed where I was.

I still wanted to know if it was the truth or not, but then I guess if she didn't want to tell me I could live with not knowing for now. I didn't want our relationship to be completely over.. I never wanted that.

"I-I'm sorry.." I said after a few more moments of silence. "I'm sorry for leaving.. after you told me.." I said glancing over to her again. I still really wish I hadn't left but what's done is done and I couldn't very well take it back now, could I? "I dunno if I over-reacted.. I-I just wasn't thinking very clearly.."

[Riyann Servansikk]

I hadn't said that he did, didn't mean that I hadn't thought about it though. Truth was I really just didn't know about anything anymore. I mean, I did still trust him more than anything, he hadn't done anything, I had over-reacted over something so stupid, I just didn't know anything at the moment, like I wasn't talking to anyone I knew, to the Riley I knew so well. It just slipped past me.

"I don't have the papers." I said after a moment, sighing softly. I didn't want the damn papers, didn't mean I wanted to tell him that I didn't have divorce papers as of now.
I'm not planning on getting any. That'll be his own choice, not mine.
I've done enough to us.

I listened to him for a moment, shaking my head when he appologized. "You have nothing to be sorry for." I muttered softly.
Sure it was the fact that he had left that I had ended up leaving.
But it wasn't his fault.
Yes it is.
No, it's not. It was my own damn choice, that and we'd never figure this out if I hadn't of left, so it was bound to happen.
His fault.
I sighed inwardly, wondering, why, of all things, I was arguing with myself in my head. Honestly, I don't see what Riley or Shelby love about me. Nothing special, only mildly insane.
"You didn't over-react. You didn't really react at all." I said in a small whisper, turning my head to look at him, shaking it a little. "I over-reacted and was stupid." I muttered softly, shutting my eyes for a brief moment before looking past him instead, my arms still crossed across my chest.

[Riley Pearson]

I felt slightly better when she said she didn't have the papers and I nodded a little bit. "Good.." I said quietly looking over to her.

"I feel like I do.." I said back to her when she said I had nothing to apoligise for. "I mean.. You have no control over if you love her or not.. I'd just rather you only loved me..." I said quietly. "You know I can't stand her." I added looking over to her with a small sigh. "I didn't react because I was surprised.. and hurt.. and I didn't know what to say about it." I said shaking my head a little bit. Which was really one of reasons I left. I didn't want to say something completely wrong or mess something up even more. Even though leaving probably made it worse at the end.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Hearing him say good I nodded a little, not much wanting to talk where we were at the moment, but that didn't much matter. It's where we were and we were talking in the least. No yelling, just slightly raised voice from me when he said something and I was offended. Nope, we were doing fine for now. Even if I was tired and scared, and both afraid to admit it. The last time I remember ever being this scared was when I was a ghost and my body was burried in the ground, and shortly before that when I left knowing I wasn't going to be coming back. I'm pretty sure I admited that to Arden, and then to Riley, I think at my funeral.
I didn't want to admit it again.

"I had control over wheter or not I slept with her when I'm married and then not telling my husband about it." I said, shaking my head a little and looking past him after a short moment, turning my eyes back to him when he said that he couldn't stand her and I raised an eyebrow. "Because I love her?" I asked, almost in disbelief.

If he hated his cousin because she loved me and I loved her, than we both have issues. I know he has right to resent her and such, but I didn't think I'd make him hate her.
Maybe I'm not the exact reason.

"And I over-reacted and then threw that on you Riley." I said, shaking my head a little. He had absolutely no reason what so ever to be sorry or resent what he did or want to take any of it back. It was my fault again.

[Riley Pearson]

I looked to the ground again as she mentioned whether she had the choice or not and just stayed quite for a moment, deciding not to commment on that. With my luck, it was just come out wrong, and I felt like we were doing okay right now.

I shook my head a little bit. "No.. It's not because you love her.." I said quietly. "I'll tell you why if you want, but I won't make you listen if you don't want to."

"Yeah, but maybe it wasn't really over reacting.." I said quietly. "I think you had a reason to.. I guess." I had never done anything like that before, not to mention who it was with.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I nodded a little, making the choice to listen and maybe this would make this easier, or possibly just harder. "Doesn't matter. If you want to tell me." I muttered softly, looking down at my feet, wondering if I really wanted to know or not.

"I didn't have a reason to Riley." I said, shaking my head a little, bring a hand up to wipe my eyes that were starting to water.

[[short... but I've g2g.. Bye]]

[Riley Pearson]

[[ that's okay talk to you later ]]

I nodded slightly and then shrugged very faintly. "I don't want to tell you if you don't want to know..." I said quietly, looking over to her.

"Why not?" I asked looking over to her agian. "I'd never done anything like that before.. I'm sure I've over-reacted about thing's you've done before.." I said quietly.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"I-I," I started, trying to make up my mind, but as of lately, when I want to, I can't think. I can't make up my mind about who I love more. I can't make up my mind to if I want to hear why he dislikes Shelby. "If you think I need to know." I said softly, biting my lip a little. Maybe I should know, but I couldn't decide, so why not have him do that for me.

"You only kissed her." I whispered, agreeing with him from when we'd been arguing. How he had said that it was only kissing he didn't sleep with her. When I said that it was still cheating and cheating is cheating. I'm such a hypocrite.

Not knowing what to do with myself I started walking again, wanting to find a place where we could sit and talk, or maybe if he was done talking where I could sit and think. Whichever it was. "You had a right to overreact." I muttered to myself, shaking my head a little bit, wiping my eyes again before shoving my hands into my pockets.

[Riley Pearson]

"Um.. I-I don't know. I want to tell you, but I don't want you to get upset if I say something.. you know." I said quietly, shaking my head a little bit.

"It was still cheating." I said shaking my head slightly again, looking over to her. "I kissed her, more than once. You have a right to be mad or upset about it..." I told her quietly.

She started walking again and I bit my lip a little, following her. "I was to stuck on what to do to overreact." I said, watching wipe her eyes.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"Nevermind." I muttered, shaking my head and looking away from him again. Just like me he can't seem to make up his mind, but I guess it wasn't my problem. He wanted to tell me, and he's the one holding back. Not my problem.

"Who the hell cares Riley. You only kissed. It was fine." I said, getting quieter when I said that it was fine. I could at least pretend and say it was fine and forget all about the two of them kissing. "I don't have the right. Not the right to be mad, upset, or overreact. I shouldn't have and I was wrong." I said, looking at him when I spoke but then looking past him once again.

"On the other things? Riley I don't care if you overreact or don't react at all. I hate what I've done to you." I said, whispering the last little bit and wiping my eyes again.

[Riley Pearson]

"I think it's mostly the fact that you're the only one I've ever loved and so many people have loved her.. she's had her chance and she won't let me have mine." I said quietly after another moment. "That's the main reason."

"It wasn't fine.. But if you really want to think of it that way," I told her softly. "I guess I can't stop you.." I finished as she looked at me. ".. Thanks.. but that doesn't mean I wasn't wrong.. cause I was." I said with a small nod.

I bit my lip slightly, leting go of it after a short moment. I've hated what she's done to me too, but I didn't want to say that aloud. "It's over and done, okay?" I told her silently, pulling her into a small hug. "Don't dwell on it."

[Riyann Servansikk]

I let a small sigh past my lips, feeling my heart break all over again. I was stupid, I was being selfish, I can't ever see what's best for me, and I'm possibly one of the biggest screw ups there either is or that I know. Right now I just want to walk over to the side of a shop and bash my head into it until I can't either feel anything or I knock some sense into my head.

Did we suddenly switch personalities or maybe it's been happening for a long time. I agree with him and then he's to stubborn to agree with me. "Fine, maybe it wasn't." I muttered, not believing it, because I've just happened convinced myself he didn't do anything wrong, and then there was the fact that I still completely trust him. Maybe I should tell him that. Though I suppose that can wait a little bit, doesn't have to be this exact time that we see eachother.

"Fine." I muttered, though I know it was done with because if we ended up having another arguement about cheating or anything stupid as that such, then it'd most likely be brought up, yet again.

Feeling his arms around me again I smiled faintly, my head pressed against his chest so he couldn't see it. I'm not entirely sure why, but I don't want him to see me happy at any point. It'd probably be a slap in his face or something dumb.

[Riley Pearson]

I almost find it funny how we changed a little bit. I was insisting on something while she was trying to convince me. I swear we've had some sort of coversation like this at some point, just the other way around.

I nodded slightly when she said fine and let out a small breath as I hugged her. Techinally, it wasn't completely over with. She was still living with Shelby and her children, while I was left with our kids and a pregnant Zoe. When I thought about Zoe being pregnant, I then remembered that Riyann was too.. and then I remembered how Shelby told me they were picking out names. I don't know why, but that actually hurt. The simplest thing, like baby names.

After a few moments I just nodded a litle and pulled out of the hug slightly, even though I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I felt him pull out of the hug a little and I pulled away from him, not sure what to do and just took a step or so back from him, feeling like now I needed my space when I had been wanting to be in his arms again. But it didn't seem right at the moment, because of him. I didn't know if something was wrong or what. It was just, off. Odd, weird, random. I could come up with more words to describe it, but that's enough for now.

I was going to ask if he was okay, but once again I don't quite want to use that question. "S-something wrong?" I asked, scrunching up my eyebrows, pretty sure that there was something and it had to do with at least me, if not Shelby and him too.

Still, I was curious and somewhat worried as well.

[Riley Pearson]

"I just.. uh.. this's gonna sound ridiculous." I said with a shaking my head a little bit. "It's just.. you started thinking of names for the baby with Shelby.. just felt sort of left out." I admitted to her after she asked if something was wrong. I'd rahter mention that, then talk about how it was still hurting me even when she didn't know it was. Not the fact that she cheated, but the fact that she still hasn't come back to me. "It's nothing realy to be worried about." I told her when I thought I saw a slightly worried look on her face.