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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 3:41:15 GMT
I bit my lip softly, looking away after hearing him speak, hearing him say it was nothing to worry about. Yeah, except for the fact that I have no excuse and that I don't want to hurt him or Shelby. And if he knew that Shell and I were talking about names, he probably knew about the whole fact that Justin Tyler sounded good, and then the fact that I said that it was her cousin. But I really only said that because it was true. Completly true, and I'd said that because she was helping me and it was making her uncomfertable. Now how to explain that to him if he brings it up.
"I-I'm sorry." Hating the fact that I was constantly saying it again, but saying it anyways, looking at him when I did say it.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 3:45:24 GMT
She looked at me when she said sorry and looked back shaking my head a little bit. "It's okay.. You're allowed to talk about names with people.." It's just the fact that it was with her that bothers me... Honestly, I felt like I was being replaced.. and techincally if Riyann left me, that's really was what was happening, which made it all the more worse.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 3:50:06 GMT
"Just not with her." I muttered, raising a small eyebrow at him, not asking it as a question, but that's what it was. If I hadn't talked to her though, I don't think I would've come up with naming the baby after his brother, if it was a boy. Whatever, he can name the baby if he wants. If he feels left out then why didn't he bring it up to me, thoughts about what to name the baby?
"Sorry." I muttered again, shaking my head and walking again, starting to look for a place for us to sit and not have to be around so many other people.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 3:54:53 GMT
I paused for a moment and then nodded. "Right.. um.. It's good though.. naming him after my brother if it's a boy.." I said with a small smile. "I'm probably just being.. weird." I said, talking about how I felt left out. "I could've brought it up.. just wasn't thinking about it." I said with a smal sigh.
"You can stop saying sorry love." I said with a very faint smile to her. "Um.. I'm waiting for the cake to get done at the bakery.. we can wait there if you want somewhere to sit?"
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 4:00:43 GMT
"Doesn't matter." I muttered, shaking my head and looking away from him. He could've, he wasn't, and now I'm back to being deffensive and not caring. "If you want, i-it doesn't matter." I said, shaking my head again.
I just nodded, shutting my eyes lightly after hearing him say love, being reminded yet again that I loved both him and Shell and I couldn't figure it out and I was only hurting him more. "Uh, okay." I whispered, nodding a little bit, thinking about how it was the twins' birthday, their tenth one and first without their mum, sounds exciting.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 4:04:11 GMT
I felt a slight change in mood and bit my lip a little bit. "Just thought I'd comment on it.." I mumbled slightly, rubbing the back of my neck for a moment, slightly wondering why she seeemd to get sort of defensive.
I nodded slightly, nodding a little back in the other direction. I was glad at the fact though, that she hadn't taken much notice to the fact that I wasn't baking the cake like I usually did.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 4:12:05 GMT
I nodded a little when he said he was only thinking to comment on it and sighed softly, shaking my head a little. "It's fine, sorry." I mumbled softly, nodding a little.
When he nodded in the other direction I nodded a little and silently started walking back to where he said the bakary was, knowing that there was something that I was missing, but as I was trying to figure it out I guess that I was thinking to hard on it and was just not going to figure it out if I didn't stop.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 4:17:03 GMT
I shook my head a little. "It's fine.." I said putting my hands back in my pockets as we started to walk toward the bakery. Once we got there, I opened the door and stepped aside so she could go in before me.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 4:21:20 GMT
I just nodded a little bit and let him lead the way to the bakery. "Thanks." I said softly, nodding a little and walking in, almost hating that he could still be more than nice to me over all of this, but then again it made me happier.
I looked around for a moment, biting my lip, wondering why we were here, it clicking in my mind what exactly I had been missing, but I didn't bring it up, figuring it'd get a little bit awkward, more so for me.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 4:24:06 GMT
"No problem." I said with a small smile, going in after her and taking a seat at the one of the tables.
"So um.. I dunno.." I said shaking my head a litle bit, ruffling some of my hair.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 4:28:29 GMT
I smiled a little back to him after seeing his smile and took a seat after him, looking around the bakery, not sure if it was more nervous of a look or just boredom crossed with anxiety. "Me either." I muttered softly, looking back at him after speaking softly, trying now to find something to talk about, that either A; didn't make me feel bad or B; didn't make things awkward for either of us.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 16:28:50 GMT
I saw a slightly nervous look on her face as she looked around and bit my lip a little bit. "Are you okay?" I asked her, keeping my eyes on her this time. I was sort of surprised that talking to her.. or well, being around her, wasn't as hard as I imagined it to be. Once I asked if she was okay, I wondered if I should've phrased that differently but, like usual, it was too late for that. "You seem.. nervous?" I stated, or slightly asked I guess, just so she knew that I was talking about the nervous look and not everything else.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 18:53:25 GMT
I nodded a little at his question and then looked at him. "Oh, uhm, I'm not." I said, biting at my lower lip after I answered. I sort of lied, I was a little bit nervous, but I didn't know what about, so that was odd as it was, and then I wasn't, just bored. "I'm fine." I said softly with a small nod, trying to find something to talk about, just now realizing that I really hadn't shared much about the life I had before coming to Hogwarts, not the major things anyways.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 19:00:06 GMT
I nodded slightly, deciding just to take her word for it. "Okay." I said nodding a little bit, pushing some hair out of my eyes. I still didn't know what to talk about at all, so instead of saying something else I sigh slightly, leaning back in my chair, playing idley with my fingers. What could I say that wasn't awkward and that wasn't going to just make her get up and leave?
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 19:05:34 GMT
He left it at that and I smiled a little towards him before looking around the bakery again. "I didn't know there was a bakery here." I said softly, almost in a whisper, biting at my lip a little again. I knew that we both had to watch what we said, more so him, because of what could happen, though I really don't think much I could say would make him leave, because for one, he needs to get the cake. But the only thing that I think would really bother him is Shelby.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 19:14:53 GMT
I smiled faintly back and nodded. "Yeah.. It's kind of hidden. My mum told me about it.." I said ruffling some hair on the back of my head. "I'm kind of surprised it's still in business.."
I knew that I could pretty much talk about anything right now, as long as that anything doesn't have something to do with Shelby, or anything about her life. Her kids, I could talk about them, but if Shelby has to be mentioned, it's just going to upset me again.
I wasn't sure if it seemed like I was fine, but I really wasn't to good. I was just used to not displaying it too much around the girls.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 19:23:49 GMT
I nodded a little. "It's a neat little place." I said softly, still only speaking a little above a whisper, not entirely sure why. "Why surprised?" I asked, only in hopes of keeping a conversation that really had no meaning to it, only the fact that it was keeping me distraced from things.
Actually, since leaving and going with Shelby I'd been thinking a lot, just not so much about what I had intended, hence why I was still taking a while to figure things out, and instead been thinking about what all had happened before Hogwarts.
Thinking about what if's, what if people knew that my adoptive parents hadn't actually died in the war? Pretty sure I'd be in Azkaban
What if I hadn't gone off to Hogwarts?
What if Sam and his sister never died?
And now I was starting to think about that again, biting my lower lip, thinking about how I hadn't told anyone about how my adoptive parents died, really I'd convinced myself it had never happend and forgotten about it until a week ago. I hadn't told Riley anything of what actually had happened. Maybe that was what made everything start to fall apart, maybe not because I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with anything. Except the adoptive parents, I'm sure that'd make things a little different, not like I could've told him until now though.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 19:36:50 GMT
I nodded a little, "Yeah." I said agreeing with her when she said it was neat. "Just because it doesn't seem like a lot of people know about it.." I shrugged a little bit. "But um.. Lil's boyfriend's mum actually works here.." I nodded slightly, kind of feeling like this conversation was pointless, but at least neither of us were getting offended. That's always a good thing.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 19:42:05 GMT
I nodded a little. "I wouldn't think a lot of people knew about it." I said softly, glancing around to see hardly anyone in here. "I didn't know that." I said softly, biting at my lip again. I hadn't talked to Lil in a while, and I would ask how she was doing, only the fact that it'd make this all seem even more that I'd left, not something I wanted much.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 19:48:25 GMT
I nodded slightly, looking around a little bit. "Yeah, it's really empty today.." I said as I turned back to her. "Yeah.. I guess you wouldn't've since it never really got mentioned." I added with another small nod.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 19:53:06 GMT
"How's Lil?" I asked, biting my lip since I had decided to not bring it up, but did anyways. To late now as it is, hopefully it didn't change anything between us at the moment, because I think I might leave if it did. One, it wouldn't much matter, we were talking about nothing much important so it wouldn't matter if I left. Two, I still need to figure out if I really loved Shell more than Riley or not.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 19:57:04 GMT
"She's good." I said with a small smile to her. It didn't really phase me much at all that she asked about her. Personally, I didn't really see her as much as I would like to, so I wasn't really expecting Riyann to have gone out of her way to see her. "She's in school right now.. so I don't really see her much, but last I checked." I nodded a little.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 20:02:53 GMT
I nodded a little. "That's good." I said softly, not knowing what to say about anything at the moment, so I fell silent, first watching him as he spoke and nodding again, and then looking around the small bakery shop with a small smile that I wasn't even sure if it was real or not.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 20:10:34 GMT
I smiled a little and nodded. "Yeah, it's good." I said glancing down to my hands for another few seconds. I bit my lip again, why did this have to be so hard?
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 20:14:52 GMT
I sighed softly, wanting to just hit my head against the table and maybe we could talk about how stupid that was, but decided against it. Still I looked up at the ceiling a little. We'd already talked about my leaving, but I'm not so sure if that was even enough, I still felt more than horrible, maybe that's supposed to mean something along the lines that what I was doing was stupid and wrong. "Sorry." I said softly to him, looking at the ceiling when I did say it though.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 20:21:22 GMT
I shook my head a little. "Why? We never have anything to talk about.. S'not your fault." I said with a faint smile to her, ruffling my hair a little bit again.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 20:24:07 GMT
And I would love to believe him that it wasn't my fault this time. This time we've got less to talk about unless we really want to annoy the other. So I just shrugged, staying silent again. For all he knew I wasn't even appologizing about the lack of conversation. It was actually over the fact of what I did and that I'd left, but I wasn't going to say that if he thought it was something else. There wasn't a reason to make us both think about it again.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 20:33:15 GMT
It did cross my mind for a moment that maybe that wasn't the reason she was apologising but I wasn't sure if I should say anything aobut it now. I shrugged a little bit after pausing for a moment and just nodded a little. "It's okay.." I said even though I wasn't sure if it was. "Um.. H-Have you figured anything out yet?" I asked looking up to her, then wondering if I should've asked again.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 6, 2008 20:39:24 GMT
I heard his question and shut my eyes lightly, really tempted now to slam my head against the table, doing nothing as I had my head tilted up towards the ceiling and my eyes shut, feeling even worse now, but managed to shake my head a little instead of slaming it into the table. It wasn't a matter if I loved Riley, I always would, just a matter of if I really did love Shelby or if I'd get over her if I went back to Riley, and it was worse when I had to leave him. I just can't think about it when I'm around him or the kids, because then it's just guilt keeping me from thinking I loved Shelby like I'm pretty sure I did.
"N-no." I mumbled softly.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 6, 2008 20:44:43 GMT
I watched her reaction to my question and just nodded a little. "Okay." I said quietly, looking down to my hands again, finding them a little more interesting than usual. "Just, um.. let me know when you do?" I asked glancing up to her for a second before shifting my eyes back down.
In my opinion, I didn't really see how this was fair. She wasn't living with me, but she was living with Shelby. How was that going to help her decide who she loved more? It seemed like all that would do would be to make her closer to Shelby and further away from me. Making it easier for her to leave me becasue she never sees me or the girls.
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