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[Arden Patricks]

Oh... dammit.
I manage to get a hold of myself fairly quickly - it was weak laughter anyway - and then just sit there for a moment.
It's times like this I hate myself with a passion, weak and flighty and utterly ridiculous as I am.
I sigh deeply, putting my head in my hands, and conclude I have two options. No - three.
I can sit here for a moment, then get up and go apologize. I can leave and never come back, maybe going back to Canada or trying one more futile time to make things work with Logan. Or... and I guess this is a fourth option, really - I can kill myself, after acknowledging that I really never will be any better than this. Completely and utterly pathetic.
I sigh yet again and get up, tentatively leaning around the kitchen doorway and knocking very lightly.

[Riley Pearson]

Setting the broken pieces of the mug onto the counter, I sighed and just stared down at them for a moments, trying to calm myself down. Actually.. I was fairly calm, so I was more of just standing there, thinking. But after a few short moments of that, I took my wand out and started to put the mug back together. It really was actually one of my favorites, so I didn't want to leave it in pieces for much longer.

There was a light knock on the doorway and sighing quietly to myself, just assumed that it was Arden. ".. Yeah?" I asked a moment later before turning around to face her.

[Arden Patricks]

"... Have you ever wished you had some sort of reset button, to get rid of conversations that go the wrong way, and stupid things you've done, etcetera?" I ask, after hitching for a moment of panic, forgetting what I planned to say.

[Riley Pearson]

"Probably more than people would think." I said with a small nod. And actually, that was quite a bit because I'm sure people would already assume that I would. I'm guessing that the last ten or fifteen minutes qualifies as one of those times, and I'm assuming that's where she was going, but maybe I should let her continue instead of jumping in.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, filing that away for the future. I suppose I didn't think he did that very often, really.
"So would you be surprised if I said that sometimes it feels like... oh, maybe sixty percent of life consists of those moments?"

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded faintly, "Yeah, I think that I am a bit surprised.." I said as I leaned against the counter. ".. Sixty percent is.. quite a bit."

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, maybe it's not that much but it feels like it sometimes," I say, sighing again. "And the thing is, I hate it. I really do not want to be that way. But I don't know how to fix it except to run away from everything. And... and I really think I talk too much, and everything just goes in circles, and... if I did have a reset button I don't even know how far back I'd have it take me but I'd definitely like to erase the last several minutes." I shrug slightly. "How about you?"

[Riley Pearson]

Listening to what she said made me feel slightly better about the situation and I nodded in response to begin with. "Yeah, I'd like that." I agreed with her when she asked me my opinion. I would like nothing more than to do just that and forget any of that was said.. that any of that happened.
I let out a small breath a moment later before continuing. "Running isn't always the answer though.. probably rarely is, actually."

[Arden Patricks]

"I know, but it's all I can think of," I shrug, then bite my lip briefly and look down at the ground.

[Riley Pearson]

"Maybe you're just thinking about it too much.." I said with a small shrug a few moments later.

[Arden Patricks]

"Could be." I laugh slightly, then shrug and look down at the ground again. Maybe I overthink everything. Maybe I ought to just kiss him... but I don't want to mess things up if he'd rather be with Riyann.
"... Riley, could you tell me something honestly?

[Riley Pearson]

I smiled a bit at her laugh and just shrugged faintly before I looked down at a spot on the floor too. That is, until she spoke again, and I lifted my eyes back up to her. "I think I could manage that." I replied with the faint smile.

edit:
post count win!
15351!

[Arden Patricks]

I take a deep breath, because this is going to be difficult, and then nod.
"... Do you think I should try to convince myself that maybe I deserve to be happy, a little, or is that just selfish and ridiculous?"

[Riley Pearson]

I stared at her a moment, hearing her question. Did she really just ask me that?
".. Why shouldn't you get to be happy?" I asked her, unsure of where she was getting this stuff from. And how is it selfish?

[Arden Patricks]

"I... I don't know. What have i ever done to deserve it?" I ask, momentarily dumbfounded because... because that's how it is, and how it's always been, for me. Occasionally I have been happy, but that doesn't mean I deserved it. And I want to know if I ought to try and get what I want for once without being ashamed of it, or just continue to wait and see what happens instead of trying.

[Riley Pearson]

"I don't think that you really need to deserve it.." I said with a small shrug. "Just do what it takes to be happy. I don't think there're requirements."

[Arden Patricks]

"Well... that's kind of a weird way of thinking... or a normal one, but weird to me. I don't know."
I look away for a moment, picking at my lip, and then realize this is exactly the sort of behavior I'm trying to stop.
"I'm just asking if you think... maybe I should stop... you know, slicing my fingers open when I say something cruel." I shrug slightly. "I mean, I'm pretty sure I know what you're answer is, but I have to ask anyway."

[Riley Pearson]

I shrugged faintly, "It's normal to me.." I commented as I looked over to her. But I guess if she thinks about things like she does, it would be a bit weird to her.
"Yes, I think you should stop." I answered her, pretty calmly, after she was done speaking.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, then bite my lip again, thinking that over. Naturally, of course, I'm now having second thoughts and thinking yet again that I should just go back home and stop making other people's lives as complicated as I make mine... but I shrug instead of saying any of this.
"I'll think about that."

[Riley Pearson]

"I hope that you do." I said with a small nod. I did wish though that maybe she would have just listened to me and said she would stop. That would've been better. I didn't really understand why she ever has to do it in the first place though...

[Arden Patricks]

I nod again, staying silent for a moment. I'm pretty sure I talk too much, and maybe I'd fight with people less if I didn't. Maybe I'll think through things more and not make snap decisions... or maybe I'll just second-guess myself even more than I used to. How is it possible not to second-guess when you're trying to change you whole outlook and can't be sure with each decision whether it's something the old you would do or not?
I take a deep breath again and sigh, then shrug. "What would you say if I asked if I could kiss you?"

[Riley Pearson]

Hearing her question, I think I'm a bit taken a back. More so just because of everything we've just said to each other. I know that we decided we would forget about, but it still just happened. She definitely didn't sound like she wanted to kiss me.. but maybe I was just missing something.

"I don't think I would say no.. But I'm kind of curious why?" I asked her, a hopefully not too long, pause later. I wasn't saying that no, I wouldn't kiss her, but I kind of want to know what made her change her mind. I know that she said she had feelings for me, but after the rant about wanting to leave and staying away from me, I was left just a little bit confused.

[Arden Patricks]

"I don't know." I shake my head, then look away for a minute to try and recreate my thought process. "Because... if I am going to start trying to be happy, instead of just assuming that everyone else should be instead... then I think that'd be a start." I shrug slightly.

[Riley Pearson]

[[ I ran away with it a bit hopefully it isn't awfully rambly ]]

I think that as of now, it was pretty safe to assume that Arden wasn't going back to Logan. Not after what he did... I would hope not, at least. And if she did, then I guess it would be my fault for trusting her with something like this again.

The last time I kissed her I didn't think she was going back to him. But she did, once again, leaving me; I probably should have expected that was just a bit too good to be true with my luck. The leaving followed with me telling her to never kiss me again. And I thought that I was pretty determined to keep it that way too, but having her standing there asking to kiss me right now might just be slightly too tempting. Especially when she goes and gives an answer like that. And even more especially because she's here and not in Azkaban... and because of the reason she was in Azkaban in the first place.

All of this just equals me trusting her again. Not to mention probably getting, what was left, of my heart torn into pieces. At least if she decides I'm not good enough again.
I don't think that I have ever in my life thought so much about if I should kiss her or not.. but in the end of my thoughts, it all came down to one thing that she said.
"Because... if I am going to start trying to be happy.."
And her being happy was quite high on my to do list.. so hearing that pretty much sealed the deal for me. Even if all she wanted was one solitary kiss, I think I could deal with it. I knew I could deal with it.

When she was done speaking, I stayed quiet for a few moments while I thought all of that over. Once it seemed I was done, I found myself nodding at her reason before, it not almost while, walking toward her.
Now hopefully that question wasn't just hypothetical. But just in case it was, I was preparing myself for quite a slap, or hit for that matter, from her direction.

Leaning down closer to her, I hesitated for a split second before kissing her like she had, hopefully, just asked.
Placing a hand on the side of her neck, I kissed her softly, but slightly more passionately than I had the prior times we've done this.
Now hopefully that wasn't a mistake.. for either of us.

[Arden Patricks]

I hesitate slightly after I finish speaking, before looking down at the floor and biting my lip again. Already I'm wishing that I hadn't phrased it that way - I know quite well how much Riley will put up with for my happiness, often at the expense of his own. So I really don't want him to feel obligated to agree or anything, and I'm almost half-hoping he'll decide to say no, so that I can be rejected for once and see how it feels. I know that I deserve that.

But if I am going to try and be happy, regardless of what I deserve... then, like I said, I'm pretty sure that being with him would be a decent start to that. And maybe, just maybe, if I'm not a fickle whore this time around... I can make him happy too.

So, all in all, I guess it's not a bad thing when he walks up and kisses me like that... and I do have the sense to kiss him back, wrapping my arms around his neck.

[Riley Pearson]

I somehow feel like if I hadn't kissed her just then, it would have been extremely selfish of me. If not extremely, than at least partially.
In her starting to be happy, the first thing she mentions is kissing me; How could I say no to something like that? I mean, I obviously could have, but I don't think I would have felt right doing it.

I do think that I was still slightly more hesitant about letting myself get too attached to her though.. this usually doesn't end well and it was difficult imagining it actually turning out alright. That's not, of course, saying that I didn't want to kiss her because I did.. I just wish it were slightly easier to see if this would actually work.

But I have to admit that it's a bit hard to think about all of those things once she kisses back. So at this point, I just decide to stop my brain for a few moments and not worry because this is all too comfortable to ruin.
Feeling her arms around my neck, I moved my free hand to her waist, moving faintly closer.

[Arden Patricks]

It's kind of weird, not having a reason to stop this time. I don't think we've ever kissed each other without realizing at some point fairly shortly that we really shouldn't. It's always been illicit and wrong, somehow, and I'm not sure how I feel about it being right, or if it's going to last or if something's got to happen to interrupt this bliss just like always, or....

Or maybe I should just shut my mind up and enjoy it, and ignore the fact I'm still in love with Logan and that he might possibly be in love with Riyann, and... jesus christ I'm bad at this.

I break the kiss briefly to say something, but then I'm not sure what and shake my head, kissing him back again a little deeper.

[Riley Pearson]

There haven't been many times, if any, that we've done this and it's actually been allowed. I was also surprised, at this point, that one of us hadn't already pulled away and decided to change their mind.
When I think about that for a brief second, two things happen that I should have been expecting. The first one being Riyann popping into my head... of course I loved her... but we hadn't really discussed anything much yet and maybe I should give this a try first anyway. The girls don't have to know about anything right away. Plus, it's not like I wasn't in love with Arden. Maybe this was good.
The second thing that happened was that she pulled away. Sort of funny that she happened to do that right as I was thinking about how neither of us had yet.
But after a short moment she just shakes her head, leaving me feeling quite relieved when she kisses me back again. So relieved that I smile some as I kiss her back just as deeply as she started kissing me.

[Arden Patricks]

For a few moments more all is well and good and i don't think I've felt this content in a very long time - longer than I really want to think about - and then... it really hits me, not just as a fleeting thought but the full impact of it, that I do still love Logan.

And it's really hard to kiss another guy when your heart feels hollow over the first one, so I break the kiss again but try to do so naturally rather than abruptly, so he doesn't know anything's wrong. "So... that was nice," I say with a smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes, keeping my arms around his neck.

[Riley Pearson]

She broke the kiss a bit more naturally this time and I smile toward her, quite oblivious to most of my surroundings at the moment. Funny how that seemed to happen to me after kissing her.. actually, the same thing happened with Riyann now that I think about it for a second.

Hearing what she said I smiled a bit more, only slightly noticing that her smile wasn't as happy as it could probably be.. or maybe that she had something on her mind, but not paying too much attention to that detail at that exact moment.
"Which is why we should keep doing it." I said sort of quietly a moment later, still smiling as I kiss her lips again before kissing her jawline a couple times.