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Post by Logan Andrews on May 29, 2009 11:28:07 GMT
I'm here because I'm guilty, because I belong here and I deserve to suffer. No, I suppose that's not quite an accurate statement, because I already knew that and it wasn't enough to force me here. I suppose it's more because this is a very specific type of guilt...the 'seemingly insignificant murder backfired and landed the woman I love in Azkaban' sort of guilt, which is rather hard to handle. So hard to handle that I'm okay enough with indulging in potentially suicidal and very unpleasant behaviour to be here at all.
This is stupid and probably pushing my luck too far, just walking right back into hell and hoping for the best. I guess I can assume that catching escaped prisoners isn't a high priority for the ministry, but still maybe this is pushing it just a bit far and I shouldn't bother, should listen to that very loud and insistent voice telling me this is an incredibly bad idea and if I absolutely must I can find some other form of punishment because repenting is one thing, feeling guilty is one thing...but this is entirely another.
I don't know what 'this' is. An attempt to ease my conscience, as in I can't say that I didn't come and see her no matter how much discomfort it takes to get there. It may be my fault that she's put herself in here in the first place, that she's probably going to die alone in this place and there'll be no one to blame but me...but I'm not going to live with not trying, not making an attempt to do something even if it is just a visit.
So I'm not even intending on accomplishing anything apart from trying to lessen the self-loathing just a little bit...well, that's good, why couldn't I have figured that out before I bothered?
And why put so much effort into being flippant? There's really no need in pretending not to care in a place like this, where it's involuntary that everything swamps you all at once.
On the bright side though, I don't think it's possible to feel much worse than I already do so at least I don't have to worry about that.
No, so all I have to worry about is trying to locate the right cell and then what the hell I'm supposed to say or do when I get there. Somehow 'sorry' doesn't really seem like enough. I don't know if she even knows that it's my fault or if she really does still believe that I didn't kill Travis. I don't know whether or not that makes a difference. But I've read that bloody note so many times now and I think that maybe Riley was possibly right and I should have passed on a message...because otherwise that's it, really it and there's no more contact or messages at all because she'll never last in here and it's all my fault and I can't handle the guilt.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 29, 2009 14:48:11 GMT
It was a really stupid idea I had when Riley was here - that maybe I'll actually make some little effort to stay alive a little longer, rather than just lying here and waiting 'til I'm dead. I mean, what was the point of that again? To see if maybe he's right and he'll succeed and I'll be set free? Not fucking likely, that. Unless they somehow catch the real murderer, or he or she decides to turn themselves in, I'm pretty much stuck here and I am going to die here. So my only real option is to die as soon as possible, while I wish it could be even sooner.
But then there's a lot of things I'm wishing at the moment. I wish I could go back and change so many of the scenes that are playing through my head. I wish I could get out of here. I wish, sometimes and briefly, that I hadn't gone and done this in the first place, though I usually remember why I did it and take back that wish. Even if I'm too far gone to feel it at the moment, I know there was a point when I would do anything, including this, to keep someone I love away from this place.
I wish I could remember what love actually felt like, 'cause right now I don't seem to know. I wish I could see Logan one last time, even if I'm not always sure why. And I wish there was a way of telling time in this place. If there is I've not figured it out yet, but so far it's been a very long eternity already that I've been here, and I want to have some sort of clue when that eternity might end.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 29, 2009 22:18:50 GMT
I definitely should not have bothered, shouldn't have done this, which is reinforced several thousand times when I actually do come across the right cell and I can't remember why this was the right thing to do or why it's going to ease the guilt when I have to see her here.
Clearly, I didn't think this through.
Clearly, I didn't think anything through if the only thing I can think of to say is, "Ah...hello, Arden."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 0:49:42 GMT
I blink in confusion for a moment when somebody's voice manages to penetrate the fog in my brain, eventually conclude that this must mean someone's here talking to me, and finally look up.
And promptly have something like a heart attack.
"Logan, what -"
My voice cracks halfway through the second word, though it's barely audible to begin with, so I have to clear my throat and try again.
"What are you doing here? Have you lost your mind?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 0:56:38 GMT
Yes, apparently.
I supress a flinch with only moderate success because she doesn't sound very well, look very well...belong here at all. I really don't like it, which is quite possibly the understatement of the century.
"I could ask you the same question. What the hell were you thinking?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 1:23:36 GMT
I shrug slightly, going for flippant honesty. "Thought I'd try a new way of killing myself that actually does some good."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 1:32:08 GMT
Oh, right, lovely. That was one of my earlier assumptions, which I eventually dismissed because I thought this is too horrible a way to committ suicide. I suppose I was wrong there.
And a fuckload of good you did. Congratulations.
"Really fucked up way of killing yourself." I mutter eventually.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 1:37:21 GMT
"Wasn't my first choice," I shrug. "But also it's not the main reason. I wouldn't let Riley end up here. I wouldn't let you end up here either, if it was something that you hadn't done. And if I spend half my life trying to die anyway... why not do some good?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 1:49:11 GMT
For Christ's sake. It almost sounds like that was tailored to make it worse, to forcibly remind me that I'm here because of a conscience overload and not just so I can be generally disturbed by the idea that someone would put themself here...for whatever reason.
I'm going to try and ignore that though, the guilt that radiates from the particular phrasing of 'if it was something you hadn't done'. Not even really relevant, not an accusation, but feels like it.
"Congratulations on becoming a fucking martyr then."
I don't know what else to say, besides that and that was only to fill in silence then. I don't want to waste words by pointing out that Riley's an idiot anyway and doesn't deserve this sort of sacrifice. It surely wouldn't have been that hard to prove his innocence, would it? This didn't need to happen, just because some undead nobody is now properly dead.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 1:56:14 GMT
I shrug very slightly, looking away. He has every right to be pissed about this. I'm killing myself for someone he greatly dislikes.
"Do you have another solution?" I ask wearily. "Or are you just here to tell me I'm an idiot?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 2:09:59 GMT
No...I don't think there is a solution, actually, so you finally get your way and there's nothing I can do to stop you from offing yourself, so well done.
And I'm not here to tell her she's an idiot either. I'm not sure why I'm here and whether or not I was going to tell her the truth. I suppose acknowledging the truth then opens up another solution, if switching places with her would be a solution...and I'm not sure I'd do it anyway, because whatever it was she wrote in that bloody note was right and people just don't mean as much to me, not even her, so regardless of whether she's in there for a crime I committed and I could technically reverse it and technically makes things right...I doubt that I will.
"No..." I reply after the brief pause it takes to think that through a few times. "...and no. Neither of those. Just...I love you, but..." I lied when I said I didn't kill Travis. It's my fault you're here but I'm too much of a selfish coward to do anything about it. Sorry.
Fuck, I hope I didn't actually say that. No, I don't think I did...except I did forget to censor the 'but' on the end of that sentence and forgot to finish it. Oh...great, then. I suppose I'll just hope that goes unnoticed.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 2:16:08 GMT
I look down at the floor, somehow disappointed. I have no idea why I'm disappointed, exactly, but it's the best definition I can think of for whatever emotion this is.
"I love you too, without the but, and I'm sorry I did this to you. I didn't - it isn't... your fault, or anything, and it's not...." I shrug slightly. "Go home, Logan. Please. You can stay there as long as you like. And you don't need to be here when there's nothing you can do."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 2:28:28 GMT
"It is my fault."
And for some reason I can't actually say it in plainer terms than that, can't quite get round the mental block that's in place to stop me from undoing the lie and saying that I actually did kill Travis and that she'd never have had to know if she hadn't been an idiot about it and turned herself into to protect Riley.
Times like this I wish she was any other person on the planet, because then I wouldn't care if she was here for something I did, wouldn't need to tell her I did it. I shouldn't need to do anyway, but if she's going to die in here because I'm an idiot then I guess she has a right to know.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 2:33:53 GMT
"Shut up, no it's not," I shake my head quickly, protesting more strongly than I would have thought I could. "How the hell is this your fault that I'm a suicidal idiot?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 2:39:21 GMT
"Well, that's not my fault." I shrug faintly, although maybe it is but then again maybe she's just fundamentally a suicidal idiot and would be trying to off herself some other way, even if I hadn't provided the crime and prompted this whole stupid mess.
"Fuck...I lied. About Travis." That comes out fairly quickly, as if the faster it's said the easier it's going to be...no sense in prolonging it more than it's already been prolonged.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 2:46:06 GMT
What the hell do you mean you lied about Travis? What was there to lie about?
I frown at him uncomprehendingly, shaking my head. "What are you talking about?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 2:50:39 GMT
"When I said it was nothing to do with me. That was a lie."
And I really hope that she gets it this time, because I know I'm being slightly vague and deliberately avoiding the harsh sort of 'I killed Travis', but it can't be that hard to figure out.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 2:58:43 GMT
I wish I could continue to be semi-deliberately dense and not let that sink in, because otherwise I'll have to settle for denial. No... no it wasn't. It can't have been, because... if it was... then that would mean you killed him.
"No," I say under my breath, shaking my head. "No, you couldn't have."
And it's really fucking perfect that I'm hearing this in Azkaban, where it's easy as anything to come up with examples to prove that yes he could. And yes he probably did... blaming it on Riley by using his wand. So he's the reason I'm here... and, worse than that, he killed again. And someone that I used to love, no less.
If we weren't yards away from each other with bars in between, I think I'd be backing away from him. I never thought it would be possible to feel worse than I have these past... however long I've been here. But now he's proved me wrong.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 3:03:49 GMT
What a stupid sentence. Of course I could have. Of course she knows that I could have, that I did. But I suppose she's allowed a little bit of verbal denial while I look fixedly at the floor to avoid the expression on her face, before saying slowly, "So...actually, it really is my fault," because I do like pointing out the obvious when there's nothing else to say.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 3:05:12 GMT
Yeah, I guess it is.
"Can I ask why?" I ask, not looking at him.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 3:10:07 GMT
Because I'm petty and jealous, because he was there and I was angry, because there's nothing like a good murder for the purposes of relaxation and recreation, particularly if that murder removes one rival and sets another up for a fall, and because I didn't think it could backfire like this.
"Lots of reasons. I didn't think this would happen." I say after a brief pause.
And actually that's the only reason I regret it, that this had to happen. I'm not even really ashamed, despite the stupid reasoning behind it, not ashamed and I don't regret it...I'm only sorry it had to end like this with her turning herself in here.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 3:15:56 GMT
"No, really?" I ask, looking up at him again. "You killed a guy I used to love and framed my closest friend, but it wasn't because you wanted me to kill myself in Azkaban?"
Which I'm going to anyway, of course. I seriously doubt that Logan's told me this because he plans to turn me in and take my place, so the problem still remains that if I'm not here, Riley will be.
And even if he did try to say that he did it, would you let him?
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 3:23:38 GMT
Fair point...
Doesn't really change anything though and I definitely do not feel any less responsible or guilty for having told her and should probably not have done so at all, because really nothing has changed and nothing will change, except now she gets to die in here knowing that it's my fault instead of not knowing.
Unless they realise somehow that she lied and didn't do it and by some miracle she gets the hell out of here, and I can only see that happening in one way, which is looking very unlikely considering I'm just not martyr material and probably will not be turning myself in any time soon.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 3:30:14 GMT
"Logan, just go," I say after a moment, not even bothering to try and hide that I've started to cry. It's hard to resist in this place, even if I wanted to. "I hope that helped your conscience 'cause it sure as hell didn't help me, and you don't need to be here. Just go."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 3:35:34 GMT
Well, I can't 'just go' if you're going to cry, can I?
"Arden...I'm so sorry." And also I'm really not going to leave just yet, whether she wants me to or not, even if I don't know what the point of hanging around here is.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 3:38:26 GMT
"What for?" I ask a touch bitterly, no longer crying... outwardly at least.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 3:40:48 GMT
"Everything."
Which is roughly translated as 'I'm not sure...whatever's upsetting you the most' but I suppose it'll have to do.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 3:44:21 GMT
That doesn't answer anything, so I just shake my head.
"Will you do me a favor?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 30, 2009 3:49:31 GMT
If it's within reason, yes, but otherwise no. Except that's not a good answer, so I just half-shrug and half-nod at the same time and say in case that wasn't clear, "Yes, sure."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 30, 2009 3:52:21 GMT
I half-smirk at that, sadly, because I doubt he'll hold himself to such an agreement when he hears my request.
"Do you think you could please kill me?"
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