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Post by Arden Patricks on May 19, 2009 3:21:28 GMT
I feel thinner already, but that’s probably just my imagination. Or the crying. Crying always has made me feel thin. And prettier too. But maybe that’s just the masochist in me, liking myself better when I’m hurting.
Like now, in Azkaban, where the only thing keeping me sane beneath all the pain and despair is the thin undercurrent of triumph that I’ve finally won.
It’s the perfect suicide. Hardly any effort. And all of the things that stopped me before are no longer present.
There have been times in the past that I've felt I didn't have the will or the energy to keep myself from starving to death, for example. But somehow, even then - even when Travis was "killed" and I really did try hard to stop existing - I somehow found it in myself to get up off the floor and stay alive.
But now, the only thing besides the triumph is an endless stream of bad memories against a backdrop of depression, and the knowledge that I’ll never be out of here, so it’s really pretty useless to try and stay alive.
And nobody can stop me anymore, not unless they break me out of here. But I don’t think Lilith or Riley is really quite that stupid. Fitzy doesn’t care enough. And Logan… it hurts more than anything to think about Logan, but even if he cares enough to come here… he won’t. I’m relatively certain at this point, that he loves me – but I know he doesn’t love me enough to risk being back here himself. Thank god. The last thing I need is for this to be a waste – to be anything less than the most perfect suicide.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 20, 2009 22:01:47 GMT
Once I left Arden's... well, should I even call it her house anymore? I really didn't know. I didn't know how all of this was going to work out, but I definitely didn't want to leave her there. I know that it was what she wanted me to do, more than likely, but no.. she was not getting her way about this.
I hated this place... And I hated coming here, but I would rather be stuck here than have Arden here instead of me. I never wanted it this way and I wish she would have listened to me when I told her that.
I wasn't sure what I was planning on saying to her once I did actually see her... in my own mind, I could only imagine yelling... but once I actually get to see her, I have a feeling my first reaction might be different, but I really have no idea.
I walked down the hallway of Azkaban where they said she was, biting my lip slightly, trying to ignore the unpleasant thoughts and memories that were creeping up on me. They were making me feel even more sick than I already felt.
I looked in a few cells making sure that I didn't pass Arden's and when I finally saw her, I definitely felt even more sick than I thought was possible. And even though I'd come here to yell at her.. or at least just talk to her, right now I found myself just standing and staring at her, unsure of what kind of look I had on my face.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 20, 2009 22:10:30 GMT
It takes me a while to notice that there's someone outside my cell, and even when I do I don't look up. Doesn't really matter who it is, after all - whichever friend or family member was stupid enough to come here may as well get the message that I'm as good as dead already so there's no point trying to talk to me or visit. I won't be responding.
Hell, even if I wanted to I don't think I could. I doubt I can summon the energy to open my mouth. That's what this place does to you; that's what I'm here for. To have a quiet death, and also so no one else has to suffer, namely Riley. So if he's the one whose here... I'll be doubly irritated.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 20, 2009 22:17:02 GMT
She doesn't say anything and after a few moments, I shake my head.
"I can't believe you did this." I said shaking my head, finally speaking. Well, actually, I could believe that she did, but I didn't want to... and I didn't want to think that she actually would.
"I told you not to do this."
[[ gah, short]
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 20, 2009 22:20:48 GMT
Well. It is Riley then.
Somehow, knowing that pushes it all beyond the vague, and suddenly I do want to make an effort to talk... but I don't think I will. I can try, but it won't work, so I may as well not. And besides, I said everything I needed to already.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 20, 2009 22:32:58 GMT
She still doesn't say anything.
"Did you honestly think I wasn't going to come here after I got your note?" I asked, shaking my head. "What's fucking wrong with you?" I asked eventually, raising my voice only faintly. I didn't want to yell it just sort of came out that way. "I would have worked this out. You didn't have to do this."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 20, 2009 22:40:45 GMT
Well, that was the general idea.
I don't know; probably a lot.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wonder when he'll leave. It's actually a little bit frustrating to have these things to say and an inability to say them.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 20, 2009 22:47:34 GMT
She still didn't say anything and I shook my head faintly again. "I'm staying here until you say something..." I said a bit quieter than before, deciding to just sit down outside of her cell, leaning against the cold bars.
I took a deep breath and let it out, wondering just how long I would even be able to sit here for.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 21, 2009 14:53:43 GMT
I close my eyes briefly, wishing that he hadn't said that. Does he have any clue how hard it is to talk when you hurt this much? When it's practically an effort just to keep on thinking? I don't want him here any longer than necessary - i.e., not at all - but if the way to make him leave is to talk... then he probably will be here about as long as I am.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 21, 2009 15:04:12 GMT
She still didn't say anything. Now I was beginning to wonder whether or not she even could speak. I know that Riyann didn't have too much trouble with it when she was here... and Arden hadn't even been here that great of an amount of time, but her not speaking was really worrying me.
I sighed and leaning against a small bit of wall on the edge of the bars, so I could looking in her cell and see her. "Could you at least give me some sign that you even know I'm here?" I asked quietly.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 21, 2009 15:10:25 GMT
No. That requires movement. And I'm trying to just lay here and die.
Of course, I don't say this... but I think I would if I could.
Honestly though... he knows that I have trouble speaking sometimes when I'm upset... or I thought he did anyway. I'm pretty sure we've had at least one conversation mediated by a piece of paper.
But, maybe not. Maybe I'm mixed up. It doesn't really matter very much anyway.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 21, 2009 15:20:43 GMT
Not even a nod.. I could understand the not speaking because I'm pretty sure that she's not spoken to me before but not even the smallest movement?
Een if she was extremely weak, I feel like she should at leat be able to nod.. or something similiar to that gesture.
"Fine.." I said quietly before sighing again and leaning my hea back against the small piece of wall I was leaning on. No wonder she was like this though.. I was feeling awful already. Whoever came up with using dementors in this place was really sick.. because honestly, no one deserves this. I'd go as far to say that not even Logan deserves this.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 21, 2009 15:27:13 GMT
If you've ever been depressed you should know - sometimes, you just can't move.
And this is essentially the worst depression known to man. I do still want to say something, but it's too hard to make the effort. I just hope he goes away and lets me get back to dying.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 21, 2009 15:34:47 GMT
"So um.." I paused for a moment. What could I say that wasn't a question? I had quite a few questions for her, but if she wasn't going to answer them what was the point?
The only thing I could think of telling her was that I gave Logan the letter.. but he didn't read it yet, so I didn't really want to say that.
I sighed again, "You know it's hard to talk to you like this.." It's hard to talk to anyone like this. "And I don't care if you don't want me here.." I added after a moment. "Cos I'm planning on coming back everyday anyway." I looked over to her, pretty much just taking to staring in her direction because I mean, she had to move at some point, right?
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 21, 2009 15:40:53 GMT
"Don't. Please don't," I mutter under my breath without realizing. You shouldn't be here at all.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 21, 2009 15:48:13 GMT
So I guess that's what it took for her to speak. She must really not want me here...
"Why not?" I asked after a moment, shaking my head a little bit. "I know that you don't want me here... and you're probably partly here so I don't have to be. And thank you, a lot.. But.." I paused and shrugged faintly, "I dunno, just don't want this to be the last time I see you." Then again, it's bound to just get worse...
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 22, 2009 3:17:30 GMT
I close my eyes again, concentrating hard on not thinking and not letting it all get to me because at the very least, I have to say this.
"You know, I don't either." I take a deep breath. "I wanted the last time you saw me to be the last time you saw me. Not this. But you can't get me out of here, any more than I could have gotten you." Another breath. "So it's only going to get worse. And please, don't come back."
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 22, 2009 3:23:20 GMT
I didn't say anything for a couple moments and just frowned in her direction. Mostly from what she was saying, but also from more memories that were deciding to come through when a tall dementor glided by. I caught it turn it's head toward me, but it didn't do anything but keep going, which I was thankful for.
"I know..." I said quietly, "I'm sorry, Arden.. I shouldn't have come here..." I shook my head faintly, "I couldn't stop myself though.." I still wanted to come back though, even if it was going to get worse... but if she really didn't want me to, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 22, 2009 3:30:28 GMT
I don't bother to work up a reply this time. I can't think of anything to say, for one, so there's nothing to make the effort for.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 22, 2009 3:33:26 GMT
"... I won't come back if you really don't want me to." I said quietly after a few moments of silence. "But I am gonna try to get you out of here.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 22, 2009 3:40:28 GMT
Go ahead and try. Not like you'll succeed.
"And how do you plan to do that?" I sigh more than ask, looking at the ceiling. "I told them it was me, remember? Unless you can somehow get the real murderer in here...." I trail off, not bothering to finish. And unless you can do it within... however many days it takes to starve to death....
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 22, 2009 3:45:12 GMT
"I don't know yet." I said shaking my head a little bit. "And I know you did, but there has to be a way..." I added, feeling a bit frustrated about this. I didn't know who killed him.. and right now all i could think about was trying to pull some strings with people I know in the Ministry to get her out of Azkaban just until they had more evidence... if there was any more evidence to even be had.
And actually, I'm pretty sure that someone lives at least a bit over a month without food... as long as she's drinking water.. I should have some time. Hopefully.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 22, 2009 3:50:01 GMT
"Unless you come up with something soon, I'm not sticking around to find out if you do," I say after a moment of debate. He may as well know. I'm relatively certain you can only live a week without food, but I doubt that I'll last even that long. Not in this place. I toy very briefly with the idea of not giving in so quickly... of actually tying to fight... but no. Not in this place.
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 22, 2009 3:58:04 GMT
"I figured as much..." I said after a short moment, pushing some hair from my eyes and sighing. It wasn't much of a surprise, especially after reading her letter.
"I don't know how you're going to do it though, because I'm pretty sure that it takes over a month to starve yourself..." You'd be messed up, I'm sure, but you can live. What about all those people who did the hunger strikes? Those lasted a long time, didn't they?
Hopefully she won't do something stupid though and get kissed by a dementor.. because that's not death.. and I'm fairly certain it's worse than living here.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 22, 2009 4:01:25 GMT
I raise my eyebrows briefly, almost shaking my head. "And I thought you were some kind of doctor.... So far as I've ever heard, you can't last much longer than a week."
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 22, 2009 4:06:15 GMT
"I'm pretty sure it's closer to three weeks..." I said with a faint shrug. But now that she was saying that I was going to have to double check and see. "And I am a doctor, so maybe you should trust me on this one..." I paused for a moment. "I'm sure there're other factors... I dunno..."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 22, 2009 4:13:11 GMT
"What, like being in Azkaban?" I ask with a hollow laugh that nearly turns to tears. "Riley... it's all right if you don't, you know. I knew what I was doing when I turned myself in."
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 22, 2009 4:17:15 GMT
I frowned a bit more deeply at her laugh, wondering if that ended up sounding more like a sob towards the end of it or not. ".. yeah." I mumbled.
"You mean, if I don't get you out of here?" I asked, just to make sure, "and I know that you did.. but I can't say that I really care. You don't deserve to be here." I paused again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 22, 2009 4:36:30 GMT
"It's all right." I shrug very faintly. "At least I can kill myself in a slightly less selfish way than I would have otherwise."
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Post by Riley Pearson on May 22, 2009 12:52:42 GMT
She did have a point to that, I guess. But that didn't make the situation any better to how I was feeling about it. I stayed silent for a few moments after she said that, not wanting to agree with her. Of course, there was a part of me extremely grateful, but I didn't tell her to do this, and I didn't want her to do this, so it sort of takes away from it a bit, even though I'm pretty sure that it shouldn't.
"I didn't want you to though... What am I gonna do without you?" I asked shaking my head weakly as I looked up in her direction. Then again, maybe I was the selfish one for not letting her? I don't know if that really made sense, but I think that it might in a twisted sort of way.
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