relapse ((Logan?))

[Arden Patricks]

You know that it’s not going to get any better, don’t you? You know that it’s not going to change.

I sigh under my breath, closing my eyes briefly and nodding to myself. Maybe I’m just having a bad day… the sort in the past that would prompt idle thoughts about falling off towers. Not that it’s much better to have idle thoughts about putting plastic bags over one’s head, but at least they’re… what? More idle than the old ones used to be? No. Something like that can’t be measured… and the fact remains that these thoughts won’t go away, accompanied by weariness.

I’m sick to death of trying. I’m sick to death of fighting. And I’m really, really sick of not crying, and of wanting to just disappear.

I really shouldn't be feeling like this at all... not when I just found out that Riley is okay. Or, well, maybe not okay, but alive and likely to be that way for a perfectly reasonable time span. I thought at first this mood I'm in was all because of that, because he was dying, and it makes perfect sense to feel like you're being weighed down when your best friend is dying. But now it seems he's not, and I still feel like this, and I think I'll just lie down for a couple of hours or maybe days, because suddenly it feels like far, far too much effort to do anything else.

I wish that it were possible to will yourself out of existence; because it’s too much effort to cry, and too much effort to do anything stupid, and too much effort to try and feel better ‘cause there is no feeling better anyway. Everything in me is crying out not to exist, but it's just too much effort to do anything about it. Everything and anything is just too much effort, except for staring blankly at the wall and occasionally coming close to crying without actually managing to.

It’s funny how I never seem to get it through my head that there is no getting better, not permanently. There’ll always be relapses.

((I realize that this is really depressing and all, but I had to get it out of my system… sorry.))

[Logan Andrews]

I wonder if Riley's dead yet. I've been expecting to come home and find her crying and then I'll know. I won't know what to do about it, of course, but at least I'll know.

And then what?
Then I've been pre-warned about 'crying and unreasonable anger' and I'll have to not bite back, not get irritated or at least not say that I am out loud, spend as much time away as possible probably.

But on a more personal level, when Riley is dead I can't hate him anymore. Fitzy's being disturbingly civil so he doesn't count anymore either. And then I have no one to hate, no one to consider an enemy because they're all dead or have fucked off or something, so where does that energy go?
What happens to all that conscious effort I expend disliking certain people above the general population? Does it all just dissipate or do I put the energy into something else? If so, then what? If not, then what's left?

I don't know what I have when I can't have hate, what I'd do, besides try and avoid crying and unreasonable anger over the next few weeks on Arden's part. And then what after that?
Nothing, I suppose. Pretend to be normal, pretend I don't miss mostly unprompted dislike and the occasional show of violence, I guess.
Stopping the questioning myself would probably be beneficial as well, because I don't want to know the answers.

And I don't care, shouldn't care, because I'm sure most people can manage and probably even find it preferable when they don't have to be unpleasant. I guess I just don't know how to be anything other than unpleasant, hence why I pause for so long before even going into the house...because if today is the day when I find out he's dead then I won't know what to do about it.
But I do let myself in eventually, and immediately - for no reason at all, wish that I'd stayed outside.

(tis quite depressing. but no problem.)

[Arden Patricks]

I've been lying here for only... well, screw it; time is impossible to tell in a state like this. But I've been lying here for a bit when I hear the door open distantly.

First response - immediate, panicked attempt to pull myself together instead of just being curled up on my side and staring at the closet door. These things normally ebb away on their own fairly quickly - whether it's a half hour sobbing fit or forty-five minutes of feeling like gravity's decided to put a magnifying glass over me, it'll go away and I'll snap out of it and just get up and have a sandwich like nothing ever happened. But if someone tries to speak to me I'll have to snap out sooner, briefly, and then make any excuse possible so they'll leave and I carry on with it. So I'll have to do that now, if he's home.

Second response - fuck it. I don't have the energy to bother; and it's only Logan anyway so I doubt he'll even notice. The sooner he gets in here the sooner I tell him it's over, I give up... so I think I might hope he doesn't notice, and doesn't come in here, and just assumes I'm somewhere else. At least, that is, until gravity moves on.

((I modified the first post, by the way, so it's after Riley's cured rather than before.))

[Logan Andrews]

Wrapped up in myself as I am today, I can't muster the energy to even be majorly concerned that Arden's nowhere in sight. At least until the sharp subconscious prompt, the little internal slap on the wrists that accompanies the words 'plastic bag' and reminds me I really should be bothered that I can't directly see her. So it's obligation, I think, mostly when I head into the bedroom...just to check.
She could just not be home, and if that's the case it wouldn't be the first time that I've tried to check on an empty room. I'd rather know that everything's alright than not make sure and let everything go to shit.
But no, she's here and now I'm here so I might as well ask, "You alright?"

(rightio then.)

[Arden Patricks]

A bit of completely unclear time has passed since I heard the door open, so I'm far enough along into and out of my lethargy to shrug when he asks if I'm all right.
Actually, I think I might be just about finished with the lethargy because after a moment of thought, I sit up and scoot back so I'm sitting crosslegged against the headboard and looking at him rather than being completely pathetic and just lying there. Unfortunately, this saps my energy for the moment, so although I have quite a lot to say I don't get started quite yet.

[Logan Andrews]

So it's going to be one of those conversations, I decide when she shrugs and I'm leaning more towards the choice of just leaving her to it and going somewhere else...but then she sits up and looks a bit like she's going to say something but without actually doing it.
So I just end up standing here, with nothing to say as per usual, until she does.

[Arden Patricks]

I look down at my hands for a moment, waiting for him to say something when of course he never does. Then I shrug.
"Logan... I give up. I can't do this anymore. You're never going to change, and I can't be okay with that."
I've said all this in my head so much it feels anticlimactic to finally get around to it out loud... and of course it also feels kind of like a mistake because now that I've said it I can't take it back. But other than that it doesn't feel like anything, because I think I'm still a little numb.

[Logan Andrews]

Wasn't expecting that.
Well, actually I was...just not now, rather in the not-too-distant but mostly unforeseeable future. I've been expecting it for a while, known it was coming...and known that she's very right in saying it. And I've also decided that when she did I would leave, whether or not I was happy about it.
Which I'm not. Not happy about it, not sad about it, not much that can be labeled just like that. Just resigned already and a little bit surprised and there's even a small slither of relief.
But also a little pissed, because I really have been trying. Hard. And if I can't change when I'm trying hard for something and someone that I really want, then I can't change at all.
And predictably, instead of even trying to form this into a coherent sentence, I just go with the easier option, nod and say finally, "Fair enough then."

[Arden Patricks]

I think in the back of my head somewhere I'm a little indignant that that's all he can say. But for the most part, I really don't care. I'm just sick of it all.

"I'm sorry," I say finally, not so much as an apology but just... because I am. I wish that it had worked, and I'm sorry that it didn't. I'm not even sure if I love him anymore but I know that I did, and I think that it's starting to sink in what I'm doing because it hurts and my throat is being filled with something that's making it difficult to both breathe and speak, and I have to look away from him a moment and let the tears come just so I can blink them away and be reminded why I'm doing this. I take a deep breath so I can say it, not so much for him although I do want him to hear what I have to say, but mostly as a reminder.

"I love you, I do, but we both know this is temporary. Maybe until you get caught or until you go psychotic again, but both of those are looking less likely all the time so... mostly because we just can't deal with each other. I don't know what you want, or what the hell you get out of this that you couldn't get from a hooker and a hotel, but...." Blank mind. Dammit, what was I saying? Oh, right.
"... I want to be able to cry without feeling like I'm bothering you. And I want... as fucking ridiculous as it sounds and as much as I don't want to say it... but I want to be held, and touched, like any normal person would. And I want to not be the only fucking person who rambles on like this and says what I'm thinking. And if this is just temporary, before you're dead or insane and I'm alone... then it ought to be something more than what it is. Because being with you is really no different from being alone, except that it's frustrating. So as much as I love you -" Or did, at least. "- it just isn't worth it. And I'm going to shut up now."

I guess I'm not lethargic anymore. And I notice, distantly, how I seem to have conveniently forgotten to mention Riley anywhere in there.

[Logan Andrews]

Well, holy shit then.
Am I supposed to argue with that, or am I just supposed to listen and know that she has a well-thought out speech prepared of all the things that are wrong?
And maybe I should leave, because I think that's what this is supposed to be...me leaving, and because I decided not to fight it, to just let it happen...and arguing would be fighting it.
Fuck it.
And I don't know what I get out of this that I couldn't get from the hooker-hotel situation, but it's clearly something. I just can't describe or explain what it is, so I'm going to skip over that without replying.
"Well, if you wanted that, you should have said it. Otherwise how else was I supposed to know? I don't know what I'm doing...I have no fucking idea and I don't know what you want."
I had some idea, of course...I just didn't know it bothered her this much. It didn't occur to me that my social inadequacy bothered her as much as it did me.
"You want to cry? Fuck, go ahead. You want to be...held or touched? Then I can try. And if you want me to...bloody ramble, this is probably as close as you're going to get."
And so much for not fighting it, but she is inexplicably important and I suppose that's always been the case and I guess I'm not as entirely willing as I thought I was to let it go.
"And I love you, honestly, and I really want this to be okay...so, sorry that it's not."

[Arden Patricks]

Well. Maybe that was why I said it, actually - in the very slim hope that he'd argue as he seems to be doing. Somehow... I more so expected... I don't know what I expected. Not this. And now I don't know if I want to leap for and grasp the vague 'I can try' and change my mind about giving up even though I doubt it will help very much and we'll just end up this way again in a few weeks or months... or if I want to just shake my head, say I'm sorry and I probably should've bloody told him what I want except I didn't expect it would make any difference, and I'm sorry but it makes no difference now. I just don't know.

And maybe it would be a good time to casually mention that maybe a day ago I'd've given him just one more chance, but then I found out that Riley isn't dying and I kissed him and told him I love him so maybe I should do the right thing where he's concerned for once.

But maybe, just maybe, at the very least I should say something and just turn off my brain in order to do so to see what comes out.

"I'm sorry," is what does, in a tone of surprise. "You're right, I should've said. But I really just don't know if it will work. Even if you try, because I think you are already... how in the fuck are you supposed to change your nature? I don't and can't expect that. And this would be better for everyone, wouldn't it?" I ask, careful not to mention Riley and not sure at all that it's right when he's just said he loves me. I wish I could be sure whether he has real feelings or not, because if he does I think I'd like to go back to willing myself into non-existence and that way at least maybe I'd hurt them both equally instead of one more than the other.

[Logan Andrews]

And I don't know if I should even bother trying again, because that was trying, that was an attempt...that was an honest attempt and it didn't work, because she's saying the same thing as she was before.
I don't know if it's worth saying that I want to change my nature, because my nature is not a pleasant one and I don't want to be...that, anymore and I haven't for a while.
So it's a long pause before I finally do say, "Better for everyone...right."
Better for everyone apart from me, actually. And I'd quite like to say something with more substance in it than that...but I can't, because I seem to have closed up again and much as I don't want this to be it...I don't want to fight for it either.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, would it be or not?" I ask, almost pleading. "Because I don't know what I want right now, so if you could tell me what you want that would be really helpful." What he should want - or at least what I've always thought he should want - is to get out of here, to go somewhere safe where he won't get caught. But he didn't do that last time when he was supposed to, and it's also looking less and less likely all the time that anybody cares or has noticed that he's gone. There's still the fact he could be noticed, but other than that it's not really an issue. So... really, maybe it wouldn't be best for him if we break things off, and that's the most compelling argument I can think of in favor of staying together.

[Logan Andrews]

I have to pause again, dithering between the mostly unhelpful truth and outright lying just because it's probably easier to let it go.
"I love you, Arden, and I want it to work. But if you want me to go then I will."
I don't think it can get any simpler than that. That's just how it is. And if I do leave, I'll get over it. She'll get over it and replace me with someone more suited to the role. It won't be the end of the world, but I'm still unwilling to let it happen and I don't know why that is.

[Arden Patricks]

That's not very helpful, but it's probably deserved. Why the hell should this be easy?
"If we do... or I more than we... decide to end this, will you please, please get out of here so I don't have to worry that kicking you out has gotten you caught?" I ask my hands more so than him. "I want this to be better for everyone, and I guess that's impossible but at the very least I want you to be safe."

[Logan Andrews]

I have to hesitate while I consider that, before eventually nodding, "Yeah...I suppose I can manage that."
Although I doubt I'll want to. She's not the only thing keeping me here, I don't think, but I suppose I could leave, be 'safe' even though there's obviously very little danger around here.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, not saying anything. I doubt that there's much I can say. I've been an idiot for a very long time, to the point I'm not sure it's even fixable. Maybe the best solution is to just hurt everybody - because Logan at least can be safe, Riley can be free to find someone better than me, and I can get what I deserve for being such a fickle whore.

[Logan Andrews]

I'd really like to be as understanding as possible here, to wait patiently for her to either tell me to go or not...but I don't think I can. I don't think it's the sort of thing most people can be overly patient about, let alone me.
So I have to prompt, when she doesn't say anything, "So?"

[Arden Patricks]

"So... what?" I ask, though I guess it's perfectly likely he's waiting for my decision, because first it was one thing and then I left him hanging and it really isn't something that I want to decide on the spot, but what else is there? And shouldn't it be something that I don't need to think about this much?

[Logan Andrews]

"So...do you want me to leave?"
I'm not going to wait. Not going to wait.
And it should be something that either 'is' or 'isn't' and doesn't require this much thought. And I wish I was prepared to just say 'Forget it' and make the decision myself, but I'm not just yet.

[Arden Patricks]

Hm. Do I want him to leave? That's actually a really fantastic way of asking, really. I'm not sure what other ways there might be, but that's a really good one. I want him to be safe and happy, or at least as close to happy as he ever gets. But does that mean I want him to stay or that I want him to leave?
"I don't know," I say finally, shaking my head. "I'm sorry; I don't know. I had it all clear but then... I didn't expect you to argue. I guess I thought you would... christ, I don't know. And if that's not good enough and you want to just leave, I understand. You shouldn't have to put up with this."

[Logan Andrews]

Now she's got me confused. Not confused, exactly, but unsure. I don't think I want to stick around if she's not going to want me to, or if she's going to be still deciding.
I do know, however, that I'm getting fairly sick of just standing here so I go and sit next to her eventually, on the edge of the bed.
And I don't have anything to say. I'm sure there are a whole load of things I could be saying in response to that, but nothing I haven't already said.

[Arden Patricks]

And that's unexpected as well, though I guess it at least answers the question of whether he wants to just leave. So I throw him a very startled look, then shrug and look down at my hands again.

"You should probably know that I cheated on you again, just this morning," I say after a moment. "And that's not the reason I'm doing this; I was going to anyway and then once Riley was dead and you were gone I could kill myself without interference. So I was going to do this anyway and it's not because of him, but you should probably know that before you're really sure that you still want to try."

I can't help but flinch slightly, brace myself, after I say this, as if after all this time I except him to hit me or something for that.

[Logan Andrews]

"Now we're even again, aren't we?" I say after a moment, having to force calm for a few seconds before I can actually accept that we are even now. That's two all on the infidelity front.
I'm still a little bit annoyed though, naturally, and for a moment I wish the stupid bastard had just died when he was going to rather than hanging on for all this time. And I'm so caught up in that for a few seconds that the suicide threat registers belatedly and it's probably too late to comment.
"Well, Arden, if you want him, you have him. If you want to put a plastic bag over your head, you do that. If you want me to stay, then I will...although, quite possibly against my better judgment right now. Or you can just continue being fickle."
And I can say all that in the same not-quite-forced calm way because I'm not even sure if I care anymore and I might just hand everything over to auto-pilot and see where that gets me. Probably not very far.

[Arden Patricks]

I wonder if it's strange that my first reaction to this, after the flinching, is a deep-seated relief because it's good to be yelled at when you deserve it, and I know that I do. But then I still have to respond, and I have to decide, and he has a good point about me being fickle because if I choose to be with him, that's probably still going to be the case. That, or I just cut all ties with Riley, assuming that the idiot forgives me. I told him ninety percent, so I hope to hell he hates me if I go and change my mind.

And none of this is helping, not at all, and I think I might just wait and see whether he gets fed up and leaves anyway because that will be easier. Or maybe, just maybe, more right.
"I think that you should do whatever you want, because I don't have the right to make this decision. I think... you should hit me or torture me or yell at me like I deserve. I don't know what I want, and I don't think I ever have, and that's really fucked up considering I've messed with you both now."

[Logan Andrews]

I don't know what I want anymore than she does now. Maybe five minutes ago I knew exactly what I wanted, but that's...just not the case anymore. Because since then I've found out she's cheated on me again and doesn't want me around...so really the choice should be easy, it should be a 'I don't want this' but I do and that's why there's even a choice. Logic says no, but still can't change that I love her and I don't want to leave.
"I'm not going to hurt you...so get that the fuck out of your head." I say eventually, because I can be fairly sure of that if nothing else.

[Arden Patricks]

"Are you sure?" I ask, blinking back tears for the second time now, though why they show up now don't know. "You don't think I've done enough that I deserve it?"
I think that I might have my answer, actually - or at least, I know what I want. I'm just a bit afraid that what I want is not the same thing as what's right, and what I also want is to do what's right. So... it's not very helpful, really, to know what it is that I want.

[Logan Andrews]

"Whether or not you deserve it is irrelevant." I mutter.
Because she does, a little bit, I think...and now that I'm thinking about it I sort of want to. That's how I'd usually help resolve this sort of irritation, hit out. But I'm not going to.
And I'm a little annoyed that she thinks so little of me, that she expects me to lash out so much that she flinches when she says she's cheated on me or seems surprised when I don't.
I've gone a long time without killing someone, not quite as long without hitting someone...but still, a while. And I'm not going to. I'm trying.
But apparently, that's not...not fucking good enough, not good enough to guarantee that she won't go and choose Riley over me, or good enough to ensure anything...or maybe she's just ridiculously fickle.
And I don't know how much longer I can take sitting here and waiting for her to tell me to get out or not before I leave of my own accord.

[Arden Patricks]

"Fine," I mutter quietly, looking away again and biting my lip. "Look, I just don't know what to do. And to be really honest because I may as well tell you... I know what I want, and it's to be with you. But it's always been that, and that hasn't changed the fact that I haven't been happy with you a lot of the time, or that... I feel sorry enough for Riley and for myself that occasionally it seems like a really good idea, though it isn't, to mess with his head a bit. And I don't know what the hell I'm even trying to say right now or why you should care or have to listen, so if you're not then that's fine. I don't know."

[Logan Andrews]

Maybe...it'd be best if you weren't with either of us then. If I make you unhappy and you just feel sorry for him...
And I don't know why I'm thinking that, whether I mean it or not.
I do know that I don't want her to be unhappy though...and her happiness is probably more important than mine, being as I don't even feel happy like a normal person does so things like that are mostly wasted on me anyway.
And I think for once I'm going to say something when it comes to mind rather than keeping quiet, so I just shrug and admit mostly to the floor, "I...just want you to be happy, so if I'm not making you happy..."
And I don't know how to finish that sentence, or whether it needs to be finished. But I am sick of going round in circles, which we've been doing for a while now.