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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 14:17:43 GMT
I think my expression might answer this one for me, because unless I'm mistaken it's of the 'oh hell how do I answer this?' variety, because I really, really, really do not want to say yes. But I know that I meant it when I told Riley that, and I've never been a big fan of lying.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 14:24:45 GMT
"So that's a 'yes' then?"
She's not going to get away with just looking at me like that and not answering. Perhaps a little bit sado-masochistic of me or maybe it's just a case of wanting more reason to really, really hate the not-dead bastard...not that I need any more reason for that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 14:27:08 GMT
I tilt my head to the side in a sort of jerky half-nod, then take a deep breath and give a proper one instead. "Yes. Sort of."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 14:36:18 GMT
I don't know why that takes me by as much surprise as it does, especially considering I prompted her to saying it out loud anyway, but it's really very unpleasant and I don't want to be quite as close to her as I am right now, so I move back over to sit on the edge of the bed again.
There's really no reply to that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 14:43:27 GMT
I feel a little bit sick now that I've said it, and made him back away from me like that. I probably should have just lied... or maybe not, since I'm so bad at it that it'd just be insulting anyway. But there has to be some way to make that sort of statement not quite as bad.
"Logan, that doesn't mean that I don't love you. And maybe I'm mixed up, and just can't tell the difference between relief that he's not dead mixed with pity and a crush and the fact that of course I love him just not necessarily the way I love you."
I don't know if that was helpful, or if I should just shut up now.
"You can still leave if you want," I finish, shrugging with my arms tightly crossed again, trying not to cry.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 15:01:49 GMT
"You don't have to explain yourself." I shrug after a moment when that's the only response I can come up with for that.
Although maybe she does. It doesn't seem fair, somehow, even with an explanation. As well as it being a rather sharp knock to the ego and another general piece of stress I really don't want or need.
I think I half do want to leave...now more than before, but I still don't think I'm going to.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 15:06:37 GMT
"No, but I want to," I say, shaking my head. "I don't want you to... take that the wrong way."
Although what other way can he take it? I've said that I love someone else. And if he told me that... well, it would hurt. A lot. And I'd be wondering why the hell he wasn't with her instead of me.
Christ, I've fucked it up.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 15:17:24 GMT
"So what other way am I supposed to take that?" I reply after a pause.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 15:22:14 GMT
"That's... a very good question." I sigh slightly, shaking my head. "But I still want you to realize that it isn't nearly the same. All right? I love Lilith, I love Chance. I love Riley a little bit different but it's nothing like you. It doesn't count."
I don't know if this is helping in the slightest.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 15:27:04 GMT
"Of course it fucking counts." I snap.
Lilith and whoever the hell Chance is probably don't count, but Riley does because she acts on it...or has, a few times now. Because he's a rival and...not dead. So it counts.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 15:30:45 GMT
"All right, fine," I half-snap back because I suppose he has a point. "It counts, but not really, and I'm a stupid idiot whore but if there's anything I can do to convince you that I really do love you more than anyone else...." I shake my head. "Why would I still be here if I didn't?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 15:37:56 GMT
I suppose she has a point there and I can't - or don't want to - argue with that.
I think I just want to be annoyed about it for a little bit, without her making sense like that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 15:48:06 GMT
I lean back against the wall when he doesn't say anything, shaking my head. "I'm sorry... so, so sorry."
It occurs to me to ask whether he loves Rubalyn, but I don't think now is really the time.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 15:54:38 GMT
"Don't," I mutter, shaking my head.
I hate it when she apologises.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 16:00:54 GMT
"Don't what?" I ask, confused. I'm not crying or even nearly anymore... and he said, anyway, that I was allowed. And I'm not banging my head against the wall like I do sometimes and which I think he's told me to stop. Hell, I'm not doing anything. So I don't know what he's talking about.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 16:04:52 GMT
"Don't...apologise."
Maybe she doesn't even know she's doing it. For some reason that'd be even more annoying.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 16:13:15 GMT
Okay. That's unexpected. Of course I just apologized, but I didn't really think of it as something that would annoy him.
"Well, what do you want me to do, then? And what the hell is wrong with me apologizing?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 16:24:25 GMT
"Let me pissed about it...for a bit, alright?"
That's what I want her to do, for some reason. It's hard to be annoyed if she's going to explain it and apologise.
And I don't know what's wrong with her apologising, just that it makes me inexplicably uncomfortable.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 16:26:24 GMT
"... Okay," I say after a bit, not comprehending but if that's what he wants I can't really argue. "Do you want me to go or stay here?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 16:30:58 GMT
I shrug, "Do whatever you want. I don't care right now."
I sort of wish I wanted to leave though, because that'd be nice.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 16:33:34 GMT
In that case, I think I'll... hesitate slightly, to make sure that it is what I want and that I don't care too much if he changes his mind once I've done it, and then go sit on the edge of the bed beside him, not too close but not too far.
I wish there was something I could say right now.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 16:43:33 GMT
Fine.
I think I sort of meant 'leave' but I should have known that she wouldn't. I think maybe I sort of assumed she would leave and go and tell Riley, or...not tell him, whatever happens there.
Although maybe that's just in light of the fact that I now know she loves him.
That thought's accompanied by a brief flare of irritation but that burns itself out.
So I guess now we sit here in silence.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 16:45:45 GMT
I glance at him after a moment, not sure if it's okay to break the silence. I think, most likely, it's not; at least not for a bit.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 16:54:57 GMT
This has been...eventful and I sort of just want this conversation to be over before something else fucked up happens, although it appears that the whole conversation is over and now we're just going to sit here.
I wish she'd left when she offered, or I'd left when the opportunity arose, or at least I had something to say about...anything.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 17:00:56 GMT
"I'm not going anywhere," I say after a moment when I can't stand the silence anymore, regardless of what I decided. Because I think I want him to know that
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 17:09:13 GMT
I glance at her briefly, then back at my hands because that's sort of preferable right at this second. "Alright then..."
That was sort of unprompted, but vaguely reassuring I suppose.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 17:13:00 GMT
I shrug, wondering if it would be all right to reach for his hand. Then I don't care whether it's all right, and just do it anyway.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 17:21:29 GMT
I don't know if it's alright to take her hand back or not, or whether I want to, but I said I would try with the whole...contact thing so I suppose I'm obligated to and end up gripping her hand lightly back anyway.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 17:38:08 GMT
I'm incredibly grateful when he actually does take my hand, because I wasn't at all sure that he would. And... since we're currently such a mess right now and it's mostly because we don't communicate, I think I'll try to work on that.
"Thank you," I say sincerely, looking over at him.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 17:44:42 GMT
"You're welcome." I reply after a moment, shrugging slightly and keeping most of my attention focused away from her and on the floor instead.
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