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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 5, 2009 18:12:56 GMT
"If I can't be happy with you, I can't with anyone," I say, shaking my head. "If I was with Riley, it'd be more for him than me... and in that case I should probably just let him alone, or... I don't know what. But I kind of think I can't be happy anyway, so what I want shouldn't matter and I just can't figure out what's best for everyone else."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 5, 2009 18:18:11 GMT
I nod briefly at that, mostly because there's not much to respond to in that which hasn't already been said.
She can contemplate what's best for everyone else, but I don't give a shit about that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 5, 2009 18:23:36 GMT
I shrug again when he doesn't respond, shaking my head. "Tell me again what you want? I don't know. I'm sorry, I know that I should know, and if you decide to just take off while I'm figuring it out, I won't blame you. But just tell me again what you want, and be completely honest, and... I'm going to have to get back to you; I'm sorry."
I think I should go talk to Riley, let him know what horrible person I am, and take it from there.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 5, 2009 18:34:35 GMT
"I love you, I want to be with you." I shrug.
And now I guess is the time where I take her advice and clear off while she figures it out.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 5, 2009 18:41:33 GMT
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat but not trying to speak anyway. After a moment, I move closer to kiss him softly, then shrug and get up off the bed, crossing my arms and looking at the floor. "Whatever I decide, just know that that's what I want, too." Which should, theoretically, mean the decision is made. But he still might decide to clear off if he thinks that's best, and I still might... have no idea how to talk to Riley about this.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 5, 2009 18:49:52 GMT
I kiss her briefly back and then pause before I get up to leave myself. It's good to hear that, good to know even if it's accompanied by the 'whatever I decide'.
Then I have to stop to kiss her as I make to leave, tilting her head up from looking at the floor lightly so it's possible. It might well be the last time I do kiss her and I don't really like that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 5, 2009 19:03:17 GMT
It occurs to me that this might be the last time I kiss him, and when it does I don't know what the hell I've been thinking. There's no way I can be with Riley; it doesn't make any sense. And maybe I do deserve to be alone after all the trouble I'm causing, but does that mean I should make Logan feel the same way I will? I think it's just about time I let go of the idea that he isn't really human. So I kiss him back deeper, closing my eyes for a moment before breaking the kiss and resting my forehead on his shoulder.
"Fuck it, I'm an idiot. I know I don't deserve this and you can still leave whenever you want, but I want to try again and I don't think I need to do any more thinking."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 5, 2009 19:25:17 GMT
I kiss her a little deeper back and then gently slip my arm round her back when she breaks it.
And the relief when she says that is so complete that it must be the right thing to try again, because otherwise it wouldn't feel so good to hear her say that, because otherwise I would want to leave...or at least be able to.
"Good...that's good."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 5, 2009 19:32:43 GMT
I can't help but smile slightly, kissing him briefly again. It feels like it shouldn't be this easy... but I guess maybe it won't be. I still have to go and tell Riley that I've mislead him again, unintentionally or not. And Logan and I are both going to have to try harder, stop bloody cheating on each other, etcetera. But other than that this is good.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 5, 2009 19:50:44 GMT
I twitch a brief smile back, kissing her back once again.
I'm so relieved that this is okay, if only for right now because I'm sure it'll fall apart again shortly...unless there really is a slither of hope for changing, that I don't much care that she's cheated on me again even. Probably will later, but not now. I also don't care that Riley's well enough to be considered a rival again, although I'll probably hate him again later.
And I don't know what now, but I'm too unreasonably mellow right now to care that we're just standing here and not saying anything.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 5, 2009 20:00:27 GMT
"I still have to go talk to Riley, you know," I say after a moment, not wanting to ruin this but it needs to be said. "And the sooner the better."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 11:02:57 GMT
"I'd fucking tell him." I mutter.
Of course I'm using the word 'tell' interchangably with the word 'maim' there, but it'll do. And I won't, but I'd like to...now that she mentions it. I'm also a little bit concerned about whether or not talking to him will veer off in a different direction and end in more infidelity or not.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 13:58:13 GMT
I raise my eyebrows at him, trusting that's enough of a response, then shake my head.
"If I'd wound up with him, would you want that? To have him go and tell you?" Well, maybe he would 'cause he could hit him or something, but other than that. "It was all my fault, my mistake."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 14:04:09 GMT
"...No." I reply grudgingly after a moment, but then shrug because I suppose it is her fault and I can't really argue with that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 14:11:28 GMT
I nod, kissing him briefly on the jaw and then looking him in the face. "I'm not going to do anything else stupid when I go and see him. I'd say I've done that quite enough."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 14:19:17 GMT
And I wish that I could fully believe that. I sort of do...but not...entirely.
"Well, if you're sure."
That didn't sound quite like I believe her at all, but fuck it.
Maybe it's because she's done that to him, come here to leave me for him and then changed her mind. So what's to say that she's not going to change her mind again when she goes to see him?
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 14:21:44 GMT
"I'd never've done anything at all except that I thought we were over," I say, shaking my head. "I know I've made a mess of things, but I'm going to try not to anymore."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 14:27:46 GMT
I nod after a moment, "Alright then."
I suppose I can accept that, that she thought we were over because we pretty much were. And she's not the only one who made a mess of things because I've managed that a fair few times too, but that sort of goes without saying so I don't need to correct her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 14:30:04 GMT
I nod again, staying silent because I guess there's not much more to say at the moment.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 14:57:52 GMT
I sort of wish she hadn't brought Riley up, because now it's my main concern rather than a secondary one. And I am just a little bit concerned about her going to talk to him still, as well as a little bit pissed.
So after a pause, I shrug and ask in as casual a tone as is possible, "When you...cheated on me this morning...what exactly did that entail?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 15:01:26 GMT
I throw him a look that even I can't classify, then shrug because I guess he's entitled to that sort of question. "Just... kissed him again," I say, shaking my head. "I wouldn't do anything more than that until I was entirely sure, not just ninety percent."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 15:09:09 GMT
I'm not sure what the hell that look was supposed to mean so I'm going to ignore it, because I do think I'm allowed to ask that.
And I'm a little bit uneasy by the whole ninety percent thing though, because it shows that I really did come quite close to losing her to a dead guy.
Hm...there's a point.
"And...why did you kiss him? If he's on his way out anyway."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 15:15:48 GMT
"Almost a good enough reason in itself," I say without thinking too much, perhaps because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like his phrasing if he really was still dying. "But... it turns out he's not, anyway. There was a small chance they could do that from the beginning, but I ignored it just like I ignored the ten percent."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 15:28:49 GMT
It's very tempting to to roll my eyes, but I manage not to. I was just getting comfortable with the idea that he was going to be dead. He really is the most annoying person I've ever had the misfortune to meet...can't even die right.
I don't think rolling my eyes would go down particularly well, because she didn't seem to like me phrasing it like I did even though I tried to do it as inoffensively as possible.
So there's not really anything that I can say in response to that which could be considered particularly tactful, so I end up just saying, "Hm."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 15:32:37 GMT
"Mm," I say in response. "Highly inconvenient of him, I know."
And I wonder if it makes me a terrible friend that that's not entirely sarcastic. Because now he's alive and I doubt our friendship can survive this. Not that I'd rather he was dead, but still.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 15:36:51 GMT
I wonder if she knows that sounded a little bit less sarcastic than it possibly should, but I'm not going to point that out, just raise my eyebrows slightly.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 15:44:01 GMT
"... Anyway...." I shake my head after a moment, shrugging slightly.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 6, 2009 15:48:45 GMT
"Right...anyway..." I agree after a pause, even though I'm not sure if I'm done questioning her about this.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 21:13:05 GMT
Hm. Silence, and now I'm not sure if I should just go off and talk to Riley right now, or... well, I'm also not sure how things stand with us at the moment.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 7, 2009 11:21:44 GMT
"Do you love him?"
Fuck, I wish I could shut up about this, but now there's silence again so I have to fill it with a question I don't want the answer to anyway. But it is sort of important, and I do also want to know, sort of...because she's said it's pity or a crush and I'm a little bit concerned.
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