soap

[Arden Patricks]

Logan hasn’t been back home since I told him about kissing Riley. Which worries me, a lot. I’ve been keeping an eye on the papers but he doesn’t seem to have killed anyone, and I did call up Riley’s parents briefly to confirm that he’s still alive, but somehow that doesn’t help the worry. Particularly since I think it’s mostly for Logan anyway.

Not only am I worried, but I miss him, a lot. So much so that it’s painful. And yet, at the same time, I find myself thinking that maybe this is how it should be. Maybe I should just write him out of my life, let him do whatever he likes, and go tell Riley I love him. That would be the logical side.

Maybe it’s just getting to me, that’s all. All the ”You can’t love him…. Why fucking him?” and ” He's distorting your mind as always, I see." and even Lilith’s and Riley’s cautious ‘whatever makes you happy but be careful so he doesn’t kill you’ attitudes. Maybe it’s finally getting to me, and I’m thinking that they’re right. Because honestly they are right. If this sort of thing was logical, of course I’d choose Riley.

Probably healthier for me in the long run. I’m pretty sure, for example, I’ve never been driven to put a plastic bag over my head because of Riley. I’m pretty sure he’s never tortured anyone, much less killed. I’m pretty sure he’s more bloody human. And to be honest, the reason I kissed him… or stood there and let him kiss me, however you look at it… was because I missed being with the sort of person who gives hugs, and who I don’t have to be so careful around. Utterly stupid as that is… there you go.

Logan is occasionally a psychotic murderer who’s not very good at interacting with people. It can’t possibly work in the long run because he’s going to get caught or killed or at least wake up one morning and decide he doesn’t give a damn and then that will be it. I love him more than Riley, more than anyone, but is there really any point when it’s all so damn hard and will inevitably be for nothing anyway?

Riley, on the other hand, kind of deserves to be happy. And even if I don’t love him as much, I do love him. So which is the lesser of two evils here? Let Logan continue to just wander around wherever the hell he is, until I eventually run into him and tell him I’m sorry but maybe I lied and I don’t really love him? Or… tell Riley that I’m sorry about leading him on again, but on the off chance that Logan does show up again I’d rather stick with him until we inevitably fall apart, one way or another.

Logically, that’s not a hard choice. In reality, it’s had me wandering aimlessly for nearly three hours now, alternating between trying to figure it out and merely cursing the fact that this is all so bloody dramatic and soap opera-like.

[Logan Andrews]

This is all so incredibly hard work. The whole thing.
So before I had a proneness to extreme boredom and apathy...now everything is just too hard and confusing and messed up and it seems that there's no midpoint and no halfway line where everything can just be normal.

But I thought I was trying not to think about that.
I'm not doing a very good job of it, apart from when my brain shorts out from being cold and tired and then I can't focus on anything. But the feeling always comes back and I start to think again rather than wandering around in a purely zombie-like state.

I think it was one of the first things I decided after leaving the house...that I would not go back until I was not angry. Almost a sensible sort of thought in theory, definitely a good idea considering what sort of things I'm inclined to do when annoyed. But in practice, it's not turning out to be such a brilliant idea.
Because in practice, it's not quite that easy to just stop being pissed off, and I've been wandering around without much purpose since yesterday and it's getting very tiresome and the more I think about it...just immature and generally ridiculous and I should just pack it in and head on home.

I don't really want to see her though, because that's bound to be awkward because I've been a bit of an idiot about just leaving and then proceeding to not do anything about anything. Also, of course, that I'm still fairly annoyed with her and don't want that particularly.
So maybe I won't go back yet.

Then again, of course, I'm really starting to feel like karma does exist and I'm being punished right now, because not seeing her is probably not going to work when we're probably going to cross paths in a minute or so because she's right over there.

[Arden Patricks]

Stupid, stupid, stupid.... I've pretty well lost track of what I'm chiding myself for this time, but I'm not going to argue because whatever it was probably was quite stupid. But maybe it's the fact that I'm still wandering around out here after a couple of hours and now I'm not sure where I am, and most likely it will take a couple hours to head home again. That's pretty stupid, to be honest, though then again I could possibly apparate if I remember how.

And on the other hand, I guess I've reached my goal of quieting my head down, because now there are long stretches as I walk where I'm really not thinking much of anything. Considering how circular my thoughts are when I have them, that's an improvement. And probably a sign that it's time to head back home. And maybe, just maybe, Logan will happen to be there and then maybe that will help me to figure all this out.

I take a quick scan of the street, of course, first, both to try one more time to figure out where I am and to check if there's anyone around who might notice if I disappear into thin air.

And then I guess I have to start believing in fate again, because as soon as I look up I see Logan, just a few yards away and getting closer all the time. I stop dead then, throwing him a look that probably seems spooked, but that's not it. Just... surprised. I mean, what are the chances we'd happen to wander across each other like this?

[Logan Andrews]

I stop when my head grinds reluctantly into gear again and it actually sinks in that...oh, she really is just there and I still haven't stopped walking that way and I probably should.
This is messed up. How is that even possible?
The odds of wandering into the one person you're avoiding in the middle of the muggle world purely by complete coincidence must be several billion to one or something.
Unless it really is karma, or fate, or something.
And now I'm just standing here, frowning slightly as I try and figure out what to do or whether I should do anything at all or just let her...go away or whatever it is that she's going to do. I don't know.
Yes, probably easiest if I just continue being slow and let her handle it while handing myself over to autopilot.

[Arden Patricks]

"Ah... hey," I stammer out when we're really quite close and it doesn't seem he's going to say anything. "You... you're all right then?"

Actually, no, I've just decided. It shan't be a help to run into him, because I've not yet made up my mind and this isn't helping, and honestly now I don't know how to be. Distant, if I'm going to wind up choosing Riley, so as not to mess with his head anymore. And... not distant, if I'm going to choose him, though maybe come to think of it he won't really care either way 'cause he'll want nothing to do with me.

[Logan Andrews]

"Clearly," I reply, nodding briefly.
I'm not entirely sure if this is the case or not because I've been wandering around for nearly twenty four hours in quite a lot of pain and then getting confused and annoyed about it and wishing that it didn't hurt at all in the first place. So maybe that's not quite alright after all.
"You're okay?"
I don't see why she wouldn't be, except that I don't know where I am anymore except that I don't think I've been here before...so if she knows where this is then I'd be surprised.
Also, it's not as if she'd be worried either, is it? Not as if I'm the only one, is it?
And that was surprisingly bitter. More bitter than the past however long I've been on my own, more bitter because she's there in front of me now and making it worse.

[Arden Patricks]

"Why wouldn't I be?" I ask, surprise that he asked that overriding the automatic 'are you sure you're okay?' So I'll just have to ask it in a different way. "Where have you been, anyway?"
Not that it's any of my business since I more or less rejected you, but where have you been and are you sure you're all right?

[Logan Andrews]

I shrug, because I don't know. Just because it's more or less instinct to ask it in return if I'm trying to be civil, or if I'm sane. I'm sure I don't bother with things like that if I'm not sane.
I sort of wish I wasn't right now anyway. Easier. It's always easier when I'm mad.
"All over the place," I shrug again.
I don't really know where I've been, wherever really. I know I've wound up at Riley's at some point and at Hogsmeade at another point, but those are only because I had conversations so I remembered. I'm not really sure where I've been in between those times.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, eying him carefully. "You've been gone for... ages. Was starting to think you'd died. Or just weren't coming back."
And there's a good roundabout way of asking. Are you coming back?

[Logan Andrews]

"Oh," I say without much tone or inflection.
I'm not going to give her more of an answer than that, not unless she asks properly. And maybe not even then.
I don't really have a proper answer anyway, because I'm too busy being bitter and irritated and I don't want to think about going back yet.

[Arden Patricks]

I sigh then, shaking my head and looking down at the sidewalk. "Not that I'd blame you if you don't come back, but are you?"

[Logan Andrews]

"I don't know," I shrug vaguely, "Was sort of planning on it...at some point."
When I wasn't angry, so I wouldn't be angry at her. She sort of ruined that though, by just being here so inconsiderately like that.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, feeling kind of like I should be relieved but not sure if I am. I wish I had the right to be nosy right now. I wish I could make up my damn mind.
"Would you rather I leave you alone then until or if you do come back?"

[Logan Andrews]

"I don't mind."
I do mind, actually. I think that I have a very strong opinion on whether or not she should go away or not, but it keeps swinging back and forth. I would really like it if she could go away because she was actually a whore and she cheated on me and it makes sense to not want to talk to her. I'd also like her to stay, because...just because.
So it's probably more of an 'I don't know' rather than an 'I don't mind'. Or more accurately, an 'I can't make up my mind.'

[Arden Patricks]

All right.... I nod, then look down at the ground because that's really not very helpful, if he doesn't mind that I am here but there's no purpose to being here anyway, and I don't know what decision I'm going to make but at the moment seem to be implying I'll choose him, and that's not very fair of me, just in case.

[Logan Andrews]

I'm not even sure if I have a right to be angry at her or not, anymore. I've sort of levelled the playing field now anyway.
Which is good, because it felt very strange indeed to be...well, to be in the right. Maybe that's a bit strong, but she's the one who wronged me, not the other way around for once and that was very strange.
So I feel marginally better now this is fixed. Not fixed...evened up, or whatever it could so be called.
None of this really matters of course, because now we're still just standing here anyway.

[Arden Patricks]

"I... should probably go," I say after a moment, shaking my head. "I shouldn't mess with your mind anymore until I've made up my own."
There, that's lovely. Just let him know that I'm trying to choose. There's a good way not to hurt him.

[Logan Andrews]

I snort derisively, shaking my head.
Because that's just brilliant. Because I sort of thought that...there wasn't a choice. I thought that she said he was just a crush, didn't she?
"Great, right," I murmur.

[Arden Patricks]

((Totally neglected to put three of the necessary words in that sentence. You got the gist, but still.))

I wince faintly, shaking my head. "I... I'm sorry. I know I implied that... well." I shake my head again, not at all sure how to put this. I love you more but I'm thinking of leaving you anyway because I still, despite everything, view you as kind of subhuman?
Now that would go over well.

[Logan Andrews]

(lol...nicely done.)

I tilt my head, in a wryly expectant way, waiting for her to find an end to that sentence before I speak.
Partly because I don't know what to say. Partly because I want to hear her finish it.

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head again, kind of at a loss for what to say. I can't believe this hurts so much, and maybe I ought to shut up.
"I know I implied that... there wasn't a choice," I say anyway, forcing myself through it while staring at the sidewalk. "But the more I think about it... I guess there kind of is."

[Logan Andrews]

"Huh," I mutter after a moment, shrugging as if it doesn't matter, "Great. That's great."

[Arden Patricks]

And maybe there really shouldn't be a choice if I feel like curling up in a ball and just crying simply because I might not pick him. But no... I'm still determined to be an idiot about this. I don't have a response to that, though.

[Logan Andrews]

I feel quite like killing him now actually.
I think that maybe if I went back to his house, I could actually hurt him this time. Maybe I will, later. Maybe I won't.
But that doesn't change the fact that I don't know what to say to her right now, except that maybe she should just go back to him then. Except if I said that I'd regret it because I don't want her to, not really.
And for a moment I'm tempted to tell her what I did today, just out of spite, just to be cruel. But I don't think I'm going to do that either.

[Arden Patricks]

Arden, this is stupid. You obviously love him a hell of a lot more, and you don't love Riley as much as he deserves. So you're just going to hurt everyone with your stupid logic.
But of course because I'm an idiot, I shake my head quickly and ignore myself, shrugging instead. "Well, really, it does make more sense," I say more to myself than to him. "Riley's never driven me to putting a plastic bag over my head. He's not in danger of getting himself killed or being sent back to Azkaban for murder. It makes a lot of sense."
What the hell is WRONG with you?

[Logan Andrews]

"What? And you think I hadn't worked that out already?"
Because I did. Because I know that he's better suited for her and I hate it.
But it's also no reason to go behind my back either, because if she decided to finally stop being an idiot and chose him instead then she should just come out and say it rather than cheating on me.
And that actually did make sense, so I think I'm going to say it. Some of it anyway.
"That's no reason to go behind my back though, is it?"

[Arden Patricks]

I think, in hindsight, I was trying to get him to hit me or something. Why, I've still not figured out yet, but there's a touch of disappointment and a flash of irritation when he just responds like that, making perfect sense.
"True, I know, I didn't think." Kind of like now. "But, then again I guess I haven't been and now I'm trying to."

[Logan Andrews]

I kind of wanted her to argue I think, so I'm a little annoyed that she didn't and just answered like that.
And I'm actually so annoyed for a moment that I can't think of a response, so I just frown slightly and don't respond.

[Arden Patricks]

Aurghh... this is stupid.
And now, finally, I'm in agreement with myself.
"This is really stupid," I repeat aloud, shaking my head. "I'm just going to go. Stay the hell away from me."
And I meant that in a 'for your own good' sort of way, but I guess it doesn't come out like that.

[Logan Andrews]

Stay the hell away from her?
"Stay the hell away from you?" I repeat irritably, "What the fuck do you mean by that?"