cursed

[Arden Patricks]

"If you say so," I shrug back, then decide to go sit down again and possibly not look at him anymore, because suddenly I feel very tired. Drained. Emotionally exhausted. My state just before he showed up probably has something to do with that, but this isn't helping.

[Logan Andrews]

"Why is it so messy in here?" I ask after a moment, glancing briefly around once more.
It's really none of my business, but I don't actually want to let the conversation die for some strange reason.

[Arden Patricks]

I'm pretty sure I already explained that, but I suppose he may not have been paying attention, so I shrug from where I'm sitting sideways on the couch, eyes closed.
"I've been systematically dismantling my house under the pretense of being able to put it back together better than ever... but mainly just as a distraction from the fact that I thought you were dead, Fitzy and my niece went missing, the war is possibly starting up again, and I think I fell in love with my best friend - not you - but he's on the rebound at the moment since his wife is in Azkaban for murdering his sister."
I have no idea how much of that he could be expected to catch, but it does make quite a nice summary of my life at the moment.

[Logan Andrews]

She's already told me that. I realise it after she's actually spoken and I suppose I just didn't match up the mess in the room with what she said earlier about what was going on.
So I just point out the obvious and say, "You already told me that, didn't you?"

[Arden Patricks]

I laugh slightly, shaking my head. "Yes, pretty much. But I enjoyed using lots of big words."

[Logan Andrews]

I smother a quick grin in response, because I really should stop being so easily amused. "You did use quite a few there, yes."

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug just a bit, smiling faintly. "I'm a librarian; I have to. And I do a lot of editing to make things sound better, in my head, because it's usually so long between first thinking them and being able to say them."

[Logan Andrews]

"I think it'd be more worrying if you didn't edit what you were going to say first." I shrug slightly.

[Arden Patricks]

My face twitches into a slight frown at that, of puzzlement more so than anything. "How so?"

[Logan Andrews]

"Because then you'd just come out with the first thing that pops into your head." I frown slightly, shrugging again. "And that doesn't usually turn out well, I guess."

[Arden Patricks]

"Mm, true," I shrug, tilting my head. "I suppose I might change some of those then, really - the times that I said when I was thinking and should've just shut up."
I remember calling him psychotic and inbred... telling Rowan Hunt to go die again, which he shortly did... calling Chance a mudblood... etcetera. I think I've gotten better at that, at least.

[Logan Andrews]

"You have those times?" I snort slightly at that.
For some reason I can't quite see that, or don't quite remember that about her. Maybe it was true, and I've let twisted affection colour my perception of her during my incarceration, or maybe I just really can't think of an instance where she's said something seemingly thoughtless.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug very slightly again, looking at the ceiling as I try to remember something close to my exact words. "'That's why so many of us... something or other, or have lost all our marbles like you have'?" I suggest. "That was kind of mindlessly said. Plus... a fair few hurtful things, to other people. And I said something hurtful to you once, too, but I'd given it some thought at least so that doesn't count."

[Logan Andrews]

I grin slightly at that, because I seem to remember that comment. It's amusing now, but I doubt I found it amusing at the time. Was that the time I tortured her or was that another argument?
"Mhm, I suppose."

[Arden Patricks]

I glance over at him then, and happen to catch the grin so I raise my eyebrows briefly. If that's any sort of reminiscent smile for that conversation, I really don't think I want to know. If I remember right, that's when he went after Rowan and Poppy.

[Logan Andrews]

I don't think I'm going to think about this too hard though, because a quick glance at her expression seems to suggest that it's not something to smile about.
"Sorry." I say automatically.

[Arden Patricks]

"No...." I shake my head automatically, frowning slightly, and have no idea what I'm objecting to. "What in the world were you smiling at?"
I still don't really think I want to know, but now I'm curious.

[Logan Andrews]

"Just, I remember that." I shrug after a moment. "The losing marbles comment, and I think you called me inbred."
I shrug again because that doesn't really explain it. "I just found it funny on hindsight."

[Arden Patricks]

I suppose, thinking it over, it was a little funny, or would've been to an outside observer... out of context, anyway.
"Too bad you couldn't've then." I shrug slightly. "That would certainly have changed things."

[Logan Andrews]

"Yes, I suppose so." I frown a little bit at that. "I wouldn't know how to take it then, or now actually. But I think I'm a little bit saner at the moment, although probably still inbred." I frown further at that though, because I shouldn't have to think about whether I'm insane or not today. I suppose I can't really help the fact that purebloods have a habit of marrying and breeding with their cousins.

[Arden Patricks]

My face twitches into a smile this time, briefly, but I cough and try to suppress it. The sometimes-insanity really isn't all that funny, of course, but having him admit to being inbred kind of is.
"Well, as long as you're sane at the moment," I shrug, but can't help thinking what might happen if that changes.

[Logan Andrews]

I can't help but grin just a little bit again at this, because I think she nearly smiled there which is a good thing.
"For now, I guess." I don't feel so good-humoured as I say this, however. More gloomy, because I don't like not knowing what's going to happen and I especially don't like not knowing what's going to happen to me.

[Arden Patricks]

"True," I agree, nodding faintly and frowning just a bit. "I don't suppose there's any pattern to the occasional insanity? You were sane for a while, weren't you, and then something changed?"

[Logan Andrews]

"I don't know." I shrug, suddenly feeling very worn out for even trying to think about this. "I don't keep track of my occasional changes in my state of mind. But, it feels a bit...different, at the moment. Like firmer."
I move my hands as I'm saying this to try and demonstrate the point, but just end up making a pointless and obselete gesture as if I'm trying to compress air into something firm between my hands.
I don't even know why I'm trying to explain this at all. Just because I'm a little scared about it, I suppose, and I quite want her to know in case something really weird happens because right now it feels like anything is possible.
"Clearer too." I add after a moment, because that's the only way to describe it.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, deciding that makes just as much sense as any description of a mental state possibly can.
"So... probably more permanent then?" I ask cautiously. "I thought I was the crazy one, for theorizing that... well, maybe Azkaban somehow made you sane."

[Logan Andrews]

"As if I'd be so lucky." I mutter, shaking my head.
I don't think this could possibly be permanent. No, knowing my luck and the outcome of every single attempt that I've ever made to try and be better, decent...I don't think that any state of mind is going to be permanent for me.
I frown a little bit at that though, because it does sort of make sense in a really weird way. I didn't really think about that, and I lean forward slightly again because I don't think I can quite sit still anymore.
"No, I think that's...feasible." I nod slowly. "Weird, that."
So...if Azkaban makes the criminally insane, really insane...and it made me sane, then what the hell was I before I went in?
My head starts to hurt again. I think it's just a coincidence.

[Arden Patricks]

"Mm, very weird," I nod, finally turning completely so I'm sitting on the couch almost properly - other than my legs drawn up - and don't have to turn my head anymore quite so much. "But... really... I can't even remember the last time you've seemed so clear-headed. Even when you were there. And... I've thought, maybe, it's because only the saner half, or third, or whatever of your mind could really be punished. Dementors suck away anything happy in your head, and in your case that included the part of you that very much liked what you did."
I'm not entirely sure I'm making sense, because I've not tried to voice this before because it would sound ridiculous... but there you go.

[Logan Andrews]

I pause at that, and nod again but even slower than before because I'm not sure I quite like this explanation.
So, if they took the part of me that liked what I did, then is it permanent? Am I suddenly going to have an intense bloodlust and end up doing something really stupid to quench it? Or is that huge part of me gone?
And if it is, which may or may not be a bad thing, then is everything that makes me happy gone, just like that? Never to return and all.
I lean back again, not quite so eager to try and work this out anymore, and idly run my hand through my hair to push it back and out of my way.
"That makes sense too." I agree.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod again, then bite my lip and find my hands suddenly fascinating. "I suppose that would mean you'd get... more insane again, as the dementor effect wears off... just like the depression always fades after a visit there."

[Logan Andrews]

"I suppose." I agree although my voice sounds a lot quieter and more sort of heavy as if it's stuck in my throat and I've had to force it out.
Despite my indesiciveness about whether or not I want to be blissfully insane again, or whether I like being clearheaded; I feel strangely as if she's just told me I've got weeks to live or something.