cursed

[Arden Patricks]

Christ... this is going well, I think, looking around the room as if for an escape route or at least a way to shut myself up. It occurs to me that if it hadn't been so long since I've seen him outside of a cell, and if he wasn't being so very strange, I would probably be scared after saying something like that. As it is, I don't even know how I feel, what I think. This is not your average situation.
I think I'll leave the room for a moment because I don't know what else to do. Yes... that seems a logical response. But then on my way to the kitchen, I pause and then go back to where I was.
"Sorry," I say softly. "I won't, if you're worried. I won't turn you in unless... unless you o something to deserve it this time around."

[Logan Andrews]

"Good." I manage jerkily. "Thank you."
This conversation is making me sort of anxious and really not helping me feel less awkward either, so I decide that now is a good time to talk about something else.
Although there is nothing else to talk about, not that I can think of.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod in acknowledgment, then bite my lip. Aaaaand... that about covers everything that I can think to talk about.
I can't really ask 'how've you been?' or any of the other standbys... not in this case. I could apologize more thoroughly, for not showing up and all, but since he isn't dead like I expected I don't even know if he was that bothered.

[Logan Andrews]

"Do you know..." I stop, not sure whether to ask it or not but now she seems to have stopped saying things too, so I might as well.
"Is Finley with...Speare?"
I don't suppose she'll know whether he went with my sister, but she's friends with Madeline and Christopher so she'd know if he was there.
I also don't know why it matters to me, but it's something to ask at least and I was wondering vaguely.

[Arden Patricks]

I'm a little surprised by his asking about his son, and for a second I think I might not answer and just ask why he wants to know... just in case. Because I met the kid once and he acted like I'd try to kill him just because I said I knew his father. If nothing else, that's my reason for feeling that Logan possibly deserves to be in Azkaban.

But he seems very different now, so I think I'll risk it.
"I don't know, really." I shrug slightly. "They left, I don't know where, and they might've taken him with but I don't know."
If nothing else, at least the disappearance helped me to not miss them as much when I got back, but I still can't say that it completely doesn't matter that two of my closest friends went away without a trace.
"That's, ah, why I stopped visiting, by the way," I add after a pause. "After they left, I just needed to do the same... just get away from here for a bit. I'm sorry I didn't even tell you."

[Logan Andrews]

"They left?" I'm slightly surprised by this and a little bit annoyed about it too.
So either way, someone I know has left and just decided to take my son with them. There's no reason for that to annoy me, because he's barely my son at all.
But surely, it'd be considerate for someone to at least let me know.

"Ah." I say for the third of fourth time. "Yes, I suppose I would have liked you to tell me."
There's no way I'm even going to go into how much I really really needed to know where she was and why she'd just given up on me.

[Arden Patricks]

"Yeah...." I nod. "After Maddie got out of Azkaban and all, I guess they just needed to start over... by completely dropping ties with everyone they know and moving god-knows-where."
Hm... that was slightly bitter-sounding... especially considering you did the same, more or less.
I take a deep breath, then shrug. "Sorry. I guess... I forgot."
It was while Maddie was still in Azkaban that I stopped going to see him, because I didn't have the guts to see her and that didn't seem right, to brave it for him but not someone more decent. And then right after there was so much going on that I didn't want to take anymore, so I left... and didn't remember for a week or so that I hadn't bothered to tell quite a lot of people I was even leaving.

[Logan Andrews]

"Hmm." I respond dully.
I'm not really interested. I suppose I just don't care about messing with them anymore. It's sort of lost it's appeal and I honestly don't care.
Then I shrug again. "It's fine."
It's not really fine, but I don't want this to turn for the worse again.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod again, suddenly wondering why it is I often think of Logan as a 'friend.' Strange, vaguely brother-like figure I can't seem to dislike as much as I'd like to, yes... but we haven't been friends since childhood, or maybe just a little when we met again as teenagers. I just don't know how else to describe the relationship, I guess.

[Logan Andrews]

"I'm sorry about this." I say, for lack of anything better to say.
I'm sorry about escaping Azkaban and forcing my presence on her and risking her getting caught along with me. But I'm also sorry for not dying like she thought I had because that might have actually been for the best. And I'm sorry for just popping back into her life.
Maybe it would have been better if we'd just not seen each other since we stopped seeing each other when we were still children.

[Arden Patricks]

"What, showing up like this?" I ask, surprised. "It's fine," I say, though I don't know if it is. Really, if he does get caught again I'm fairly certain that the Ministry wouldn't be pleased with me. But as stupid and daring and possibly juvenile as it is, I don't care because they annoy me. And there really ought to be some sort of insanity plea, even for deatheaters.

[Logan Andrews]

"Yes, for this and...everything." I nod a little at that, but sort of neglect to look back up at her again because the floor suddenly becomes more interesting.
And then I frown just a little bit because I realise just how genuinely sorry I am and all these things keep hitting me quite hard because I think I was aware of them before but in the way where I was aware but not properly...acknowledging.
It's not quite repentence for what I've done, just what I've done to her. And those are very different things, because I never directly did all that much to hurt her. Not directly.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug a bit, looking at the floor.
"You're not apologizing in general, are you? For the way you always were? Because you've little to apologize for, to me. It made my life interesting, anyway."

[Logan Andrews]

"Yes, actually, I am." I reply, still examining the floor persistently, but then I look up again sharply at the last part and half consider responding to that.
Interesting? Is that what it was?
I can honestly say that I do not care about most of what I have on my conscience, but I remember using the cruciatus curse on her in the forest, calling her worthless and pathetic on numerous occasions, and further back I remember killing her cat and then nearly killing her in some stupid fight. I don't think that's interesting, more like sick.
I don't know where this specific guilt has come from. It's her fault, I decide after a moment. Her fault because she was the one who decided to help me now and she was the one who said that she loved me like a brother and now I feel like a disgrace of a human being.
Which I probably should.
But thankfully, now I've uncovered the root of the guilt I don't feel half so bad because I'm actually more annoyed at her for making me feel guilty in the first place.

[Arden Patricks]

Huh. That's interesting, I think, raising my eyebrows briefly... then frowning slightly as his expression changes. Not that that's unusual, I guess, but.... "What?"

[Logan Andrews]

"Nothing." I respond defensively, but then shrug and add almost hesitantly. "I just feel a little bit...weird."

[Arden Patricks]

"Escaping from prison might do that to you," I shrug, raising my eyebrows, then eye him for a moment and add less flippantly, "You are kind of acting a little bit weird."

[Logan Andrews]

I send a sort of hard look her way at the first part, but then glance away again as I try and form a reply.
"I don't know what to do." I admit, sort of reluctantly.
I half-want her, or anyone, to tell me what to do. So I have a purpose and all. I don't like not knowing what to do with myself, and I think that's one of the things that's bothering me most right now.
I'm used to having some sort of mission, or a task that I've decided to accomplish of my own volition. But at the moment I've got nothing and it's surreal.

[Arden Patricks]

I pause before speaking this time, long enough to move across the room and sit on the arm of my couch with one knee pulled up to my chest. Every once in a while, I do get tired of standing all the time.
"About what?" I ask finally, completely nonplussed. Unless he means in general, which would make a lot of sense.

[Logan Andrews]

"Everything." I reply quietly.
It sounds worse now, that I don't have any idea what to do about any element that makes up my pathetic excuse for an existence. I can't stay here for very long, but then what do I do when I go somewhere else? Where do I go? What do I spend the rest of my life doing?
I suppose it's a bit irrational to expect her to know .

[Arden Patricks]

Now that's very helpful, I think first, sarcastically... but then it does make sense.
What the hell do you do when your existence was based on causing people misery to relieve chronic boredom, but then you get caught and go to prison where your whole existence is based on contemplating the futility of existence... or whatever the hell you did... and then you get out.
What the hell do you do when you're a fugitive whose old way of life is not an option anymore?
I realize after a moment that I haven't even made an attempt to answer him, too busy am I with chewing my lip worriedly.

[Logan Andrews]

I nod as if she's spoken, taking her silence as enough of an answer because she doesn't know, and she doesn't have a reason to know, and probably doesn't even understand what I mean.

[Arden Patricks]

I bite my lip harder in finality after a moment, shrugging and looking up to say unnecessarily, "I don't know. I don't know what you should do."
Not for the first time in our very strange relationship, it occurs to me that things might be better and more simpler if he really did die.

[Logan Andrews]

"I thought as much." I nod again, frowning down at the floor at this.
"Well, nevermind." I add after a moment, as bracingingly as I can manage. "I don't suppose it matters."
Of course it matters. I'm completely lost. What do people do when they're completely lost like this?
Give themselves up, maybe. But that's not happening. Or I could just stop, like right now, somehow, will myself into non-being and end up dead or eternally damned or whatever's going to happen. But I can't think about this seriously because there's something nagging me that I don't want to lose, dying is losing and that's not going to happen to me. Not yet at least.

[Arden Patricks]

"Mm... I suppose not," I say with false lightness, shrugging. "I mean, it's only what to do with your very existence that you're contemplating."
I have no idea how unnecessary that was.

[Logan Andrews]

I find that quite funny for some reason and I have to dip my head to hide an amused sort of smirk from her because I don't think it's appropriate.
I reckon there's only so much pointless, depressing questioning of one's own existence before it just starts to lose all seriousness.

[Arden Patricks]

I think that I might be mistaken, as it makes so little sense, but I could almost swear that I've amused him. And I'm not really sure, if that's the case, whether to be amused in return, or just exasperated or what.
"I think... I'm going to go make some tea even though I never bloody drink it," I say finally, more to myself than anything. Maybe if I act like he's not really here, just a figment of my imagination or something... I have no idea where that thought was headed.

[Logan Andrews]

"Okay then." I reply, more because I feel like I should say something and not knowing quite what it is.
The sudden bout of humour has evaporated again, but it's just left a sort of impassive apathy in it's wake instead, so I think that's alright.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, then frown slightly at I don't know what, heading into the kitchen. I'm still not really sure it's all caught up with me yet, the fact that he's alive but a fugitive and standing in my living room and everything else. But I'm sure it eventually will, and maybe the magically calming effects of making tea I never drink will somehow take hold later when I really need them even if I'm doing it now.

[Logan Andrews]

I sink down sort of shakily the second she's out of the room at the very edge of the chair. I don't think I should have stayed standing for so long at all.
I've been in Azkaban for months, and it's not a place that does wonders for a person's health and I'm starting to feel just a bit light-headed.
And am more than a little concerned about the sudden burst of apathy and where all these quickly flitting emotions have come from in the first place.
So I lean forward and push the base of my palms hard against my temples as if this is going to suddenly make everything alright and try not to feel sick anymore.