cursed

[Arden Patricks]

I'm actually starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn't have promised quite so hastily that I wouldn't turn him in... even though I know if I think about it all that I'll come up with is that I could never go through with it. Unless he breaks his word first, as I kind of think maybe his promise was even more hasty. Vehement, but so what? I mean, maybe he's relatively sane today, but how long will that hold?

[Logan Andrews]

I don't know what's going to happen to me, I realise after a moment, and I don't much like that either.
I like being in control of my surroundings and my immediate future, but with a clearly defined and simple purpose to keep me going. And right now I don't have either of those things and it's actually probably the worst I've felt in my entire life.
So, I'm sane today and I'm capable of following my thought processes, but what if that dementor effect sort of wears off and things start to get a little indistinct and blurry again? I'm not in control of that, because I can't stop it from happening. And I don't know if I would stop it from happening. I can come up with my own purposes without clarity.

[Arden Patricks]

Okay... tell me honestly then, I think, closing my eyes and sitting down at the table with my new cup of tea sitting in front of me. Would you rather he never showed up and was just dead?
My first thought is no, because it felt awful.
My second thought is yes, because it would be such a relief.
I open my eyes then, to scowl into my tea. I really don't want to relive my teen years here.

[Logan Andrews]

I think that I should do something now, because thinking isn't really working for me.
So I lift my head from my hands again and glance around the room, which is just an average room albeit a messy one. That doesn't hold my interest.
So maybe I should leave Arden alone and go and...find something to do, but I remember how awful being outside and exposed is and I don't want to put myself back there right this second.
And that leaves me with sitting here and thinking, which was what I was doing in the first place.

[Arden Patricks]

I grimace very slightly after taking a sip of the tea, but can't quite bring myself to just toss it. If I leave it alone until it gets cold, then it will be okay to toss it... and in the meantime I'm antsy again anyway, as I seem to be quite often lately, and so I go back into the living room and raise my eyebrows at Logan.
"Do you ever find yourself thinking, 'what if'?" I ask musingly, almost hypothetically. "I mean not just in general, but taking specific situations and trying to think what would have happened if you changed some tiny element."
I'm not really sure if I expect him to answer or not... but it's not very often anymore that I can just walk from one room to another and, presto, there's somebody there I can talk at. Actually, it's pretty much never.

[Logan Andrews]

I frown slightly, half-shifting round a little to face her properly. That seems a little bit strange out of context.
But maybe she's thought about it for a while now, and I suppose this does call to think about it. I wonder if the changing of the tiny element would be removing me from the situation completely, to be dead or in Azkaban or something.
"Yes." I shrug. "Why?"

[Arden Patricks]

"Just wondering," I shrug. "I mean... in our case in particular, I can think of few times when the words 'what if?' come to mind."

[Logan Andrews]

I nod after a moment, considering it first. "Yeah...there are quite a few."

[Arden Patricks]

"Can I ask, just out of curiosity, what sort of things you're thinking of?" I ask, tilting my head. In my case I think mainly of how it could have been worse, everything that happened back in that... year or so, just after my rebirth.

[Logan Andrews]

My first thought is to respond by asking if she has a few days to listen to it all, but then I change my mind and decide to just go with something nice and impersonal instead; a non-answer, a non-verbal one because I can't think of any words that are sufficient.
I shrug. "How about you?"

[Arden Patricks]

I stare at him a moment and then shake my head, unreasonably annoyed. "Never mind."

[Logan Andrews]

And now I've annoyed her, which in turn annoys me.
"Sorry, was that the wrong answer?" I mutter irritably under my breath.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, maybe not for you," I shrug. "Just a little stupid of me, really, to forget that you're not a normal person and it's utterly impossible to have a conversation with you because you never actually say anything."

[Logan Andrews]

"It doesn't mean you're not allowed to say anything." I shake my head.
I quite like being talked at. It makes for something interesting at least.
And I reckon that I do say things at times, but to point this out would sound ridiculous and defensive and I don't care that much.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well of course it doesn't mean I'm not allowed, but I really just don't see the point if you never even seem to react to anything, and when you do I don't know what your reaction even means. There's a reason I don't talk to the walls much when I'm here by myself."
Somehow I feel like I really am being irrational, or like there's some psychological thing at work where I'm really annoyed for something else but using this as an excuse... because it seems strange to get so worked up about it.

[Logan Andrews]

That's quite annoying as well, because I do react.
Actually, I suppose I don't. I react a lot inside my own head, but I don't really say much of it out loud. I wonder why I've not noticed that before.
"Fine, what do you want me to say?"
I've quite forgotten what we were talking about in the first place.

[Arden Patricks]

"Anything at all," I shrug. "I don't know."
And now, I have to bite the edge of my lip to keep from laughing because somehow this seems funny... but maybe it's just delayed hysteria, something like that.

[Logan Andrews]

"Well, that was helpful."
I can't really expect her to tell me what to say though, because then she might as well be talking to herself after all.
Being as I can't remember what we were talking about though, I don't even know what sort of thing I'm supposed to be saying.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well I can't very well tell you what you think, can I?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. "And that's what I was asking, so...."

[Logan Andrews]

It might be better if she did tell me what to think.
"What's what you were asking?"
I think I might be being deliberately thick and selectively chosing not to quite understand what she means to delay an answer.

[Arden Patricks]

I resist, just barely, the urge to roll my eyes, and instead take a breath while reminding myself I'm a grownup. "I was asking what you've thought of changing, and you think things would be different," I say finally. "So, no, I can't really answer for you."

[Logan Andrews]

I'm sort of amused again in a very immature way at the way she takes a deep breath like that, but don't bother to duck my head to hide my expression this time.
I don't care if she sees, because this is me reacting.
"I've thought of changing a lot of things." I say finally, when I sort of feel a little more serious again. I run my hand absently along my left forearm where my dark mark is burnt into my skin, it's just an idle gesture but I realise it probably has some subconscious significance so I decide to add that.
"This, for one thing. If I'd not...I might be normal, and then I could hold normal conversations."
It bothers me a little that she thinks I'm so abnormal that I can't converse.
"What would you change then, Arden?"
I'm aware my answer hasn't been entirely serious or sensible, but I've said something so now she has to.

[Arden Patricks]

Well, there you go then. Was that so bloody hard?
Saying this probably wouldn't get me much of anywhere, so I decide not to. I do find it interesting that he says he'd not be a Death Eater if he could, but I'm not sure I believe it. Probably I shouldn't say that either or I doubt he'd see the point in saying anything more.
"I actually don't know if I would change anything," I shrug. "Most of the time I wind up thinking of ways it could have been worse, more than anything."

[Logan Andrews]

I'm still idly tracing my dark mark as I actually consider the implications of what I've said.
I'm not sure if I would change that, not now anyway. Although it would be interesting to see where my life would have gone if I hadn't. I might change it just to see what would have happened, not because I think that I was wrong, and whether it would have been more interesting.
"It could always be worse though. Aren't you interested, curious?"
Now I am. Not just about my potential lives, but hers. It's harder to think about that though, because I can't recall all of her choices as well I can mine, obviously.

[Arden Patricks]

"Maybe a little." I shrug slightly again, thinking, then glance over at him. "I might like to see what would have happened at some points, but on the other hand I don't. At some points I would have given anything to go back to how I was, have all my memory back... but on the other hand I think I prefer how I turned out. I do kind of wonder if I'd listened to Fitzy and stayed the hell away from you... but I don't know, maybe some good came out of it anyway."

[Logan Andrews]

I think she was maybe right about not being able to speak normally, or maybe it's just because she's put it in my head that I'm hyper aware of it, but I'm slightly disorientated because she's just said a lot and I don't know what to reply to.
But then I smile in a sort of hollow and mirthless way.
What would have happened if she'd listened to Fitzy and stayed the hell away from me? Or I'd listened to my better judgement rather than my own selfish reasoning and kept the hell away from her?
"What good came out of that?"
Apart from the fact that I have somewhere to hide now, I don't think any good came out of it. Maybe for me, but I don't think that she benefited in any way, shape, or form since we were kids and even then probably not much.

[Arden Patricks]

I look away again to think about that properly, even though I half have an answer already, and finally shrug again as I look back at him. "I kind of like to think that I helped in the whole... losing your touch thing. That's a good thing from most people's perspectives. And, not to be selfish or anything but if not for all of that I'd not have met Ian and Maddie. I don't know." I laugh slightly, because maybe he's right. And maybe more people really would have been a lot better off if I'd stayed away from Logan and had less involvement in their lives.

[Logan Andrews]

I'm not sure the whole losing my touch thing was an entirely good thing either. If I'd not, I'd probably not have got caught, or I would have died with a little dignity at least, rather than this. Azkaban escapee hiding out in the muggle suburbs.
"Well, I suppose there's that." Is what I settle on saying.
I'm not quite sure what she's laughing at though, and it sort of makes me a little uneasy for some reason.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug just a bit, shaking my head, because I suppose that really is just about all there is to say about this. Or maybe not.
"I suppose you don't agree?"

[Logan Andrews]

I shrug. "I'm fairly impassive."