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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 19:45:16 GMT
"Trying to pretend that I didn't love her, or couldn't." I said softly. "Trying to pretend that I couldn't hurt you again." I added as I turned away, speaking in a small whisper as I said that and just looked at the floor for a while.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 19:49:58 GMT
"Oh.." I said quietly to her, watching her before she stopped looking at me and I looked away slightly too. "It was better in the long run.." I said quietly. I never wanted it to happen, but I'd rather know that it was done between them.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 19:55:17 GMT
I nodded a little, not saying anything about it anymore, not really wanting to. I know it seemed like I was running from the topic, but we could come back to it again if he wanted, I just felt my heart break again when I had said I was trying to pretend I couldn't hurt him again. I think that's all I'd ever be good for, but that's a lie and I have to stop thinking it. I'll be better for something. "I quit my job, or I was fired." I said the last part after a brief pause, but I looked at him with a grin. "I don't remember which. But I'll be home during the day with the girls again." I said with a small nod. I really did want a job though, even if I hated the old one, and I know that I was fired from, I felt better and it made me feel like I was actually better at something than running away and hurting Riley, until I did those things again.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 20:01:06 GMT
"Oh..." I said looking back over to her. "Are you okay with that?" I asked out of curiousity. I wasn't actually really sure if she liked her job or not. That's not very good is it? "And okay.."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 20:04:48 GMT
I chuckled softly and nodded. "Yes, it sucked." I said softly, looking at him as I shrugged softly. I wasn't going to say that I wasn't much okay with being jobless and hopeless again, I knew he loved his job, I knew he didn't want to get a job that'd make it so everything would work out if I found a job and it interferred, or if I stayed at my old one. I knew he didn't want to cut his hours, I was just slightly envious that he found a perfect job and I couldn't find one to stay longer than a little more than a month. That's all it'd lasted.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 20:09:39 GMT
"Okay." I said with a small nod and chuckle. "But if.. you want to find anohter one you can.. I can cut back on hours.. or something, if I have to." I said with a small smile and shrug.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 20:27:02 GMT
I shook my head softly. "Nope, I'm fine." I said, nodding a little. I knew he could cut back on his hours, it didn't mean he wanted to, even if he said he did, it would only be for me, which, yes, I was somewhat flattered by, but I wanted what he wanted, so I could deal with being jobless and exhausted by the twins again.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 20:30:17 GMT
"Let me know if you change your mind.." I said looking back over to her agian. "I know how exhausting it is being with the girls all day.. plus, I kind of like spending more time with them.."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 20:36:17 GMT
"Just don't do anything over me." I said softly after he said that he knew it could be exhausting and that he liked being with the twins. I would gladly vote for him to cut back some hours, as long as it meant that it was purely for him.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 20:42:56 GMT
"I just want things to be equal.. and I think I should be home a little more often." I said with a small nod. "What I want is for you to be happy."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 20:50:14 GMT
"If you want to Riley." I said softly, shrugging my shoulders lightly. "I am happy. Really." I said, nodding my head. If we were going to get into an arguement from this, about this, everything from here on out will be harder than it should.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 20:51:23 GMT
I nodded slightly, "I want to." I said looking back at her, "And I'm glad you are because that's all I really want."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 21:06:27 GMT
"Okay." I said softly. Which means, depending on how many hours he cuts back, I'm going to have to work because we've got another baby coming. "I love you." I whispered softly. I knew he only wanted me happy, and I just left him, not caring about anything, to stay with Shelby to see who I loved more, I didn't once try and see his way, not that he much tried to see mine. He wasn't selfish, just afraid of me to walk out on him again, afraid of being hurt, that's why he was saying for me not to leave him, to not take the twins from him. We're all he has. I was being selfish in not thinking about him. "I didn't mean it, when I said you were making it all about you. I didn't." I said softly, wondering if he would know what I was talking about.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 21:14:37 GMT
I nodded slightly, "Just let me know how many you think I should cut back.." I said before smiling over to her when she said that she loved me. "I love you too." I whispered quietly back looking over to her. I understood now, why she had to leave. If she didn't she wouldn've realised if she really did love Shelby or not. And now that she was back, I felt much better about us knowing it was over between them.
I looked over to her, slightly confused by the first couple of words, not realising what she meant until she kept speaking. I just nodded slightly, unsure of what to really say about that, but kept my eyes on hers anyway. "Thank you.." I said quietly giving her a small smile. Those words did mean a lot to me and I was glad that was what she was really thinking.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 21:20:58 GMT
I nodded a little. "It's up to you love." I said with a small smile. I saw him smile after I said I love you and smiled a little more when he returned the words. I knew he loved me, they day he stops would be the day the world ends.
I heard him say thanks and I nodded. I really did hate being wrong, I could deal with it, yes, but I did hate it. Which maybe I wouldn't have to if I actually thought about things before doing them, instead of acting like the 17 year old I used to be. There is a certain point in time when you need to grow up, and well, I've passed it.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 21:25:44 GMT
"Input would be nice though.." I said with a small smile back to her.
I nodded slightly, "I'm sorry too." I said looking back over to her when I said it. "I just.. I couldn't see what you were doing.. I didn't want to lose you.. I didn't understand."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 21:32:35 GMT
"I don't want to make it feel like you can't take a certain amount off or anything." I said softly, biting my lip. Money was already a little bit tight as it was. "Just remember the baby." I whispered, smiling weakly back to him. I really didn't want him to think it was his job to support us all, even though at the moment it was. But we could both switch roles, I could get a full time job while he works part time and stays with the twins most of the time.
"Don't be." I said, shaking my head a little when he started. "I didn't tell you Riley, I didn't try to explain, I didn't do anything." I added softly, sighing a little after a moment. That was one thing I should change, blaming myself for everything. I didn't tell him, but he didn't ask really, sort of. Okay, he did. So this was one situation I could blame myself entirely.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 21:41:19 GMT
I nodded slightly, "Then maybe before you get another job.. I can take on a few more hours.. to make thing's a little more comfortable.. and then when you get one..." I paused and shrugged slightly, I honestly, really didn't know.
I shrugged very faintly. "But I'm sure I could've acted better.." I said quietly looking over to her.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 21:45:54 GMT
"We'll figure it out as we go." I said, smiling softly now instead. "Cut down on the hours some, it doesn't matter love." I said, still smiling softly. Really, I think it did matter a little, but I hated making him be trapped in work, even if he loved it. We'd manage, we always have and always will.
"Why do you insist on it being your fault, even if only in a small way?" I asked softly, searching his eyes as I spoke.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 11, 2008 21:50:23 GMT
I nodded slightly and shrugged. "I like working.. so I don't mind picking up a couple extra ones now.." I said witha small smile and shrug.
I shrugged a little bit. "I don't know..." I said quietly.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 11, 2008 21:53:44 GMT
I bit my lip softly, I didn't want to guilt trip him either, I didn't want to fight him, I didn't want to have him gone at work because we were preggers again. I didn't want any of that. I can't say anything without hurting him somehow. "Riley." I said softly, looking him in the eyes. "It doesn't matter, just do what you want. I will shove a truth potion down your throat to figure it out too." I said, smiling a little more amusedly at that.
In all honesty, I had expected him to throw that question back at me, I even had an answer ready for it. "Okay." I said softly, nodding my head a little.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 12, 2008 1:39:48 GMT
I chuckled a little bit at what she said, smiling over to her. "You don't have to shove a truth potion down my throat." I said shaking my head a little bit. "I really don't mind picking up a few more hours until you get a job... I can't say it won't be weird being home more, but I don't mind it."
I didn't really think about asking it back until she said okay and I realised that I didn't really want to. Mainly because I was expecting the answer of, because it is my fault or something to that extent. In which case I would just disagree with her. She would ask me why and I'd give her the same answer I always do. So I thought maybe it'd be best to just nod a little looking down at my hands and playing slightly with my wedding ring, twisting it around my finger. I almost added that it had to at least some my fault, but I realised it sounded sort of acusatory and decided against saying anything.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 12, 2008 2:15:54 GMT
"Yeah, but do you want that?" I asked softly. I hadn't been asking if he'd mind picking up more hours. If he wanted to, then let him. If he wanted to he could cut some hours out of his work to, I'd let him.
I watched him when he didn't say anything, not really bothered by the fact, and watched as he started playing a little with his wedding ring. "Sorry." I said, bitting my lip with a small smile. I really think we need something new to talk about, more so because the conversation was dying.
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Post by Riley xD on Jul 12, 2008 2:29:26 GMT
I nodded a little after a moment. "Yeah.. I think so.. Just for a little while." I said with a small nod.
I shook my head a little with a small smile. "Don't be sorry... Why did you say sorry anyway?" I asked just becuase i didn't know what else to say.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 12, 2008 2:32:50 GMT
[[Nice nina]]
I nodded a little, deciding to drop it, at least for now. Maybe he'd see that it was harder, or maybe he wouldn't and I'd see it wasn't harder.
"Uh, I dunno anymore." I said, grinning. "For killing the conversation?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 12, 2008 2:52:30 GMT
[[ lol xD ]]
I shrugged a little when she didn't say anything. We would think of something to do and I figured it would be okay.
I laughed a little smiling lightly back at her. "Who says I didn't kill it?" I asked with a small small over to her.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 12, 2008 2:58:37 GMT
"Fine you killed it, you conversation killer." I said, smiling back to him before moving so I was laying across the counter, my head resting against his lap, not even thinking about the fact that there was a possibility that it could be awkward since I'd left him for three weeks or so.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 12, 2008 3:02:24 GMT
I smiled and nodded. "Thank you." I said to her as she smiled back to me. "That's all I really ever asked for.." I grinned softly. I didn't really know why I was saying that I wanted to kill a conversation because I really would rather have it live. A moment later she layed her head against my lap and I was kind of surprised she did, but didn't do anything to make her move. Instead, I just moved a hand and played with her hair slightly, smoothing it down.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Jul 12, 2008 3:06:54 GMT
"You are so odd sometimes." I said with a small grin. I shut my eyes lightly after feeling his hand start to move through my hair and then smoothing it down, I'd actually forgotten that only a short while ago I came in out of the rain. I actually forgot it was raining. Still I kept my eyes lightly, a small smile on my face. "I love you." I murmured softly, only now opening my eyes to look up at him.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Jul 12, 2008 3:10:16 GMT
I grinned softly back and nodded. "But so are you." I pointed out before she shut her eyes lightly. A moment later she opened them and I looked back at her with a small smile. "I love you too." I murmured softly back.
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