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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 17:55:29 GMT
I have no idea how long Arden has been in Azkaban. Time and I don't really see eye to eye on the best of occasions, but particularly now...when documenting the passage of days is deadly, I've been ignoring it more than usual. It's been a while, I know. Perhaps more than a week, or more than two, or maybe even three but I don't know. I don't want to guess. The longer I acknowledge she's been there the more likely she is to be dead.
I've only seen her there the once. Quite frankly that was enough. I said I'd never set foot in Azkaban again, and I could bend that rule for her once but I won't do it again. Not to mention I don't want to check back and see how much further she's deteriorated, or perhaps only to find an empty cell. Then again, she probably doesn't even want me to go and see her. She spent much of last time telling me to go home, unsurprising I suppose, considering it's my fault she's there and now she knows it.
I've been trying hard not to think about it, but I don't have a lot else to think about. I vacated her house pretty quickly being as there's no point in me being there. It's not as if it was ever really home per se, so resuming full-time wandering and spending the night in motel's as an alternative isn't exactly a hardship. It's better than being there, forcibly reminded of the fact that she's gone every second. Out on my own without the obligation to go back is better, safer, healthier.
But at least once a day I'll take the same route back through the same neighbourhood that I always took when wandering and I'll end up standing outside the house for however long as if I expect to see some change from the day before. Like the visible decline of a house uninhabited or lights on in the windows that show that something good has happened and she's come home.
So far, there's been no such luck on either counts and my wandering's past the house just result in several minutes of fruitless contemplation before I walk on and go somewhere else. I think I might be lonely to some degree, but it's nothing compared with the guilt that still hasn't dissipated. I hope that's temporary. Really, there's nothing I can do and I can't spend the rest of my life stuck with this level of remorse. I can't spend the rest of my life walking past this damn house every day.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 18:25:14 GMT
I don't know what I expected upon being released... but I don't think it was this. Not that there was much time to form expectations anyway. Up until this morning, I thought I was going to die there. Then, all of a sudden, I'm free and heading back home, and not at all sure that I even want to go there.
It isn't so bad, being outside, as long as I'm not in the open... but the neighbors might not be too thrilled with me leaning against their house, and I'm going to have to go to my own. I ought to be pleased about this. I ought to be ecstatic now that I'm away from the dementors... and in some ways I do feel better, feel free. But the things I've just been through don't disappear with a finger snap. And the house looks too confining - hence my extreme reluctance to get any closer.
Besides - what the hell am I going to do once I'm there? Kiss Logan hello and then go back to normal? No. Sooner rather than later, I'm going to have to acknowledge my own half-formed thoughts that things will have to change, and that maybe - just maybe... this is all finally over.
I deflate just a little, even just finishing that sentence to myself. I really don't think I'm ready for this... but I can't stnd here all day. Physically I can't, along with all the other reasons. I feel... like someone who's just half-starved herself for two and a half weeks while not really sleeping much and waiting to die. Theoretically that means that things can only get better from here, but I'm not that optimistic. But I guess I may as well get it over with.
It's only when I'm halfway to the house, crossing the street, that my eyes and brain decide to finally connect and let me know that Logan, for some reason, is outside the house looking up at it, and now I don't know what to do because this wasn't in the plan.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 18:38:05 GMT
I think it's about time I left. Nothing is going to happen and I should go and-... do whatever it is that I do to pass the hours. They do have that disconcerting of blending into one another lately so before I know it it's going to be getting dark and I'll have to find somewhere to go and that at least will be something to think about that is not this. At least I'll have a temporary purpose.
Or I could glance across on a split second whim and immediately put a halt to any plans of vacating the area. Whether hallucination or just wishful thinking, I don't know, but I could swear that's Arden crossing the street, being not dead and free and I frown for a moment before deciding to just go with it. If this is my conscience messing with me again, whatever. It's not like it matters and I can take the risk in the hopes that this is real.
"Arden?"
Apparently that was the most intelligent thing I could think of to say and my voice comes out hoarse and cautious but there's nothing I can do about that either.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 18:45:03 GMT
"... H-hey," I manage in response, still not sure what to do or say. "I... I thought you'd be inside."
And I think I'm going to break up with you. And I think that it's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 18:51:12 GMT
"No," I answer after a short pause while I get my bearings and then decide to just pretend this is a normal conversation. "Sort of...moved out. Ah, what-...? How are you here?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 18:58:39 GMT
"Oh." I nod. That makes sense, I suppose. I assumed it would be simpler just to stay there, but in hindsight maybe not. "Ah... I, um, got released. A few of my old coworkers looked at the evidence and proved I couldn't have done it."
There may be a hint of accusation in my tone, but while it isn't there intentionally I don't plan to take it out.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 19:06:15 GMT
Ah, that makes sense. Very nice, very logical, which enables this to be entirely plausible and perhaps this is not my conscience fucking with me after all.
"Thank God." I murmur, but don't say anything further.
I think maybe the note of accusation in her voice there is supposed to prompt an apology, but I did apologise quite a lot the last time we spoke so I don't know whether it's necessary to do it again. Yes, I did kill Travis and I did let her suffer for it, but it's not as if that's very pleasant to live with. It's not as if I don't regret it and I really am sorry, which I don't need to repeat.
There's a lot I'd do for Arden, but turning myself in for a lifetime in Azkaban isn't one of them. I guess that's sort of where I draw the line. Still doesn't really justify that I would have let her rot for my crime, but I don't know. It's the best I can do.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 19:17:19 GMT
I nod vaguely, not really sure if there's anything further to say. And where do we go from here anyway? 'So, now I'm back among the living... it's a good thing you moved out because we're over'? No, that's too soon. And I have to be totally sure.
"... So how have you been?" I ask finally, just to be saying something. I don't expect much of an answer; I never get answers from him.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 19:21:52 GMT
"Fine." I answer instinctively.
I can't exactly piece together words to explain how I've been and if I could, they'd all be somewhat petty and insignificant compared to the total sense of relief I feel now. It's very light, very easy feeling, to know that I haven't gotten her killed after all.
"Stupid question, but...how have you been?" I add.
It might be my imagination but she looks better than she did in there. It probably is my imagination as I doubt she's recovered so quickly, but not in Azkaban makes her easier to look at and makes her seem so much healthier.
I don't think I've ever been quite so tempted to kiss her, or at least be near her, as I am now either but I can't quite get it out of my mind that she's overly delicate and possibly dying so I think I'll just keep a distance.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 19:27:10 GMT
I think maybe that is a stupid question and I'm not even going to try and answer beyond throwing him a fairly mild look and shaking my head. I can't even begin to think of an answer except 'not good.'
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 19:32:18 GMT
"Fair enough." I murmur when she doesn't respond. "Anything you need? Anything I can do?"
Because I really would like to do something other than just stand here and make stunted conversation. Because I would like to help and I really should do something, considering this is all my fault.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 19:38:41 GMT
I close my eyes briefly, wishing that he hadn't said that because it's really not helping my resolve, then shake my head. "No. I'm fine." And I think I'll head inside now.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 19:44:20 GMT
"Want me to leave?"
I'm not idiotic enough to assume without question that things will go back to normal. I believe it was one of my first thoughts when Riley came and gave me that damn note that you either die in Azkaban or you come out different to how you went in so... who the hell knows?
I'm also acutely aware that I've crossed the line man was not meant to cross. Killing off Travis for petty rivalry and letting her take the blame for it is possibly unforgivable. I woudn't know. I'm not in her head and it's hard to tell what she does define as unforgivable.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 19:50:33 GMT
"I don't know. Do you mean for right now or for good?" I ask, though I have no idea how his answer could help me figure out mine. I don't know what i want.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 19:58:16 GMT
"I'd rather not at all, but it's not really my call." I answer with a brief shrug. "So for now or for good... whichever you'd prefer."
And I really do not want to leave at all. How awful would that feel? To have been so miserable and guilty and lonely and whatever else for what felt like such a long time, only to have it cancelled out but have to go away anyway?
I really doubt I could deal with that all too well but now it most likely the worst time to try and argue.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 20:02:54 GMT
"I don't know," I say again, then realize I'm only stalling, putting off the inevitable. This is something I decided over a long period of time; I shouldn't back down now.
"... But... p-possibly for good," I add a moment later, swallowing hard to keep from crying.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 20:30:27 GMT
"Ah." I mutter, suddenly finding it rather difficult to maintain eye contact and having to frown at the floor for a moment, unable to swallow quite normally for a couple of seconds.
Funny how I thought that was coming, consciously, but below the surface I was totally unprepared. I don't think I assumed that she would ever kick me out of her life completely. Well, she's tried but... that time she sounded like she meant it.
And I think I just realised how much I really, really don't want to go.
"Well, if that's what you want." I say after what feels like too unnaturally a long a hesitation.
I think the window of time where it's acceptable to hold her, kiss her or otherwise touch her just passed.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 20:40:11 GMT
"Of course it's not what I want," I mutter, deliberately not looking at him. "But I think it might be what I need."
And I really hope it sticks this time... even though I also hope it doesn't.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 20:54:32 GMT
That didn't help. If she'd said she doesn't want me around, then it'd probably make not being around a few billion times easier.
"How so?" I ask, this time with a note of defiance. How is what she needs for me to be gone? Common sense, really, because I tend to destroy things or people with close proximity and I've caused her enough damage by now.
But if she wants me to leave, she'll have to be firmer than that.
It's grossly unfair, honestly, this. These past couple of weeks have been fairly hellish - better than a couple of weeks in Azkaban admittedly - but still not pleasant and it's not fair to have the relief that she's okay, to know that she's home but not being able to be with her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 21:03:23 GMT
"{Come on, Logan, don't be an idiot," I say wearily, shaking my head. "You think this is okay and healthy? Fighting all the time, barely speaking... cheating on each other... murdering people as some sort of twisted insurance against the possibility of more cheating...." I shake my head again more vehemently. "That's no way to live, and it's not what I want to come back to."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 21:18:45 GMT
By my standards, to be any sort of lasting relationship is healthier than the alternative. It's important, significant, and pathetic as it is, I don't want to be on my own again. I'd rather take the bickering and oft-silent cohabitation.
Not to mention, if not this...if not her, everything comes undone and I go back to everything I used to be and then I doubt I'll be murdering just for insurance.
Unfortunately, she has used the key phrase there. Not what she wants. No, I can understand that much. 'Needs' not so much, but 'wants' is a more familiar concept.
"I'm not being an idiot." I reply briskly, touch of irritation now at how unjust this is. Unfortunately I have no response to the rest of what she's said because she's perfectly right and in any normal circumstances that would not be considered healthy or okay.
Then again...we're not normal.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 21:30:48 GMT
"Fine," I murmur, shrugging. "Fine, you're not an idiot." And I love you, but this has to end.
But no... I don't know if I should add that. I don't want to leave anything open... don't want to give him any sort of chance to come back.
If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I even love the real Logan.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 21:43:33 GMT
Which is good to know, but doesn't really help.
"I love you. I don't want to leave." I mutter. I'm sure I've been making that fairly obvious by arguing with her, but it's still worth saying.
Whether she wants me around or not, it doesn't really change the fact that I'm currently very tuned into the fact that she was very nearly gone but now she's not and I still can't have her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 21:47:38 GMT
I bite my lip hard and look down at the ground, then look up again and shake my head. "I'm sorry, but that isn't good enough. I love you too, but that's not good enough either. Not with how we are."
If you would just change... if you could try harder to be a different person, one who doesn't kill people and talks to me, then I'd take you back.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 10, 2009 21:56:18 GMT
"How do I make it good enough?"
I have the very distinct feeling I'm fighting a losing battle here. I've tried again and again to be this undefined better person that she wants but I can't get it right...and she's always been so evasive with what she wants me to be, what I'm supposed to do that's acceptable.
And now I don't know what else to do apart from question her decision, even if I'm already resigned to defeat.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 10, 2009 22:09:00 GMT
"I don't think you can, not if you haven't already," I say, shaking my head. "I know you've been trying, don't think I don't realize that, but it just isn't enough." I pause very briefly before adding bitterly, "Maybe not killing people would be a bit of a start."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 11, 2009 17:54:23 GMT
Maybe not making me feel like I need to would have helped.
No, that wouldn't be tactful. But honestly, why would I have thought Travis a rival at all if she hadn't of fucked around?
"Whoring didn't help either." I respond under my breath.
That again was not tactful, but I really am starting to give up on this as a lost cause I guess.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 12, 2009 1:59:31 GMT
I flinch visibly at that, turning my face away as if he'd actually slapped me rather than just doing so figuratively.
"I wasn't a whore," I mutter back, letting some anger seep into my voice for a moment. "But even if I was, and even with the things I did do that really didn't help... that's kind of my point, isn't it?" I ask, plaintively now. "We just don't work."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 12, 2009 17:03:50 GMT
I didn't expect to get so much of a reaction there and had assumed she would ignore that rather than taking visible offense. It doesn't entirely bother me right this second.
And I still do think she was a bit of a whore, but I can keep quiet because I'm also aware that sleeping around was one of my faults too, except in my case it's insignificant compared to everything else I did wrong. Like the murders and such, I suppose.
"Yeah," I concede eventually, "Guess we don't."
But still. I don't know. There's really no rational argument to counter that one. We really don't work, at all. Then again, that's never made it any easier to call it quits and walk away.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 12, 2009 17:20:02 GMT
I nod again, looking at the ground and feeling a little bit lost now that it seems he's giving in. This is hurting both of us, I'm sure, so it's both masochistic and sadistic to continue, so by rights maybe we should just give up.
But, then again, maybe we deserve it.
"So... I guess that's it then," I say finally.
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