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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 12, 2009 17:29:35 GMT
"Yeah."
Fuck, now what then? I'm not sure what to do with myself now I can't think of how to argue any more. I'm not sure what to do with myself now I'm not waiting to hear that she's died in Azkaban.
"Enjoy your freedom then." I shrug after a moment. Because I don't know what to do with mine.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 12, 2009 17:37:33 GMT
I'm sure I will, I almost start to say, then close my mouth again. I'm not sure how sincere it is.
"And you... be... I don't know." I shake my head slightly. 'Safe' sounds odd, because what's he got to fear? 'Okay' is too vague.... "Are you ever even happy? Or is that not something I should want you to be, for the sake of others?"
This is probably another example of my excessively low opinion of him, but I honestly don't know otherwise.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 12, 2009 18:05:32 GMT
I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that. The implication that she thinks that low of me still doesn't bother me, because she's right and I do get satisfaction at the sake of other people's well being so what does it matter?
But I don't know the answer to that question, don't know whether I'm ever happy or not and that's never really bothered me. I don't feel I ought to know.
"What does it matter?" I answer with a brief frown.
I don't know whether I'm supposed to wish her back the same, or whether I should maybe mention that she should be happy yes, but on her own. Very much on her own. Maybe I should have killed Riley too, just in case, because I've just remembered that she does so like to flit between us and if she's leaving me, she's probably going to him. I doubt I could take that.
"Out of interest," I add slowly, regardless of whether or not it's relevant to exactly what's being said right now. "Are you planning on... going to him, instead?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 12, 2009 18:17:39 GMT
"Because... if you ever are, I hope you will be?" I shrug, shaking my head. Stupid question.
The second one isn't though, and brings my head up in surprise. I'm not really sure how to answer that, either, because maybe 'planning' is too strong a word... but I'm not going to claim I haven't thought about it.
"I don't know," I say finally. "Would that be a problem?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 12, 2009 18:38:40 GMT
Somehow I think it's unlikely that I'm ever going to be satisfied enough with my life to be called happy for very often, but decide not to bother answering.
I have to put nearly all my effort into figuring out how to answer that. Yes, of course it would be a problem and she must recognise that I'd see it that way - but there's nothing I can do about it if she does decide she'd rather him.
Well, I suppose I did warn him that if he touched her I would kill him. An indefinite warning, really, so I could always make good on the threat.
Very tempting, especially right this second because the idea of him touching her does sort of want to make me kill something. Amplified, of course, by the fact that I still haven't yet and now won't get the chance to.
"Well, it's not like there's anything I can do about it." I answer lightly.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 12, 2009 18:45:49 GMT
"You could," I point out, raising my eyebrows - letting him know I'm not that stupid. "Though I'd be... beyond upset with you if you did."
I really hope he wouldn't actually go and kill Riley if I wind up with him, but you never know.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 12, 2009 18:58:06 GMT
"It's very tempting." I admit with a small shrug, then snort slightly at that last part. "Beyond upset, right."
Why it should matter to me that she would be beyond upset with me I don't know. I've sort of got the impression that her opinion of me is low enough that it won't even take much of a hit. 'Beyond upset' doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.
And this is hypothetical anyway, what happens if she goes to him and my pride can't take it. Still can't quite bring myself to clarify that I'll leave him alone, as I'm still not entirely sure I want to.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 12, 2009 19:03:14 GMT
I consider asking if it would bother him to know that if he ever does hurt Riley, I'll have nothing left and won't bother sticking around. Surely he knows that, anyway.
"It's none of your business what I do anymore," I say finally, instead. "Or mine, what you do."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Aug 12, 2009 19:12:31 GMT
It is my business. I don't know why or have any reasoning for it, but that's the immediate response and it bothers me that I'm probably wrong there as well. It's really not my business if she wants to be with him, no matter how much the thought makes me skin crawl.
"Right. None of my business." I agree after a hesitation that lasts maybe a little too long. It feels vaguely blasphemous to say that, like I'm surrendering whatever claim I had on her.
Damnit, I hate this.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Aug 12, 2009 19:16:31 GMT
"Right," I nod again, then look away. So we should just get on with it then, going our separate ways instead of standing here and chatting any longer. How much more is there to say?
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