for the best (Logan)

[Arden Patricks]

You're better off without him, Arden. He's a sadist and a rapist and a murderer. Mostly just the first one these days, but still. You'd've fallen apart anyway. And you're just a fickle bitch who wants what she can't have.

I've been sitting in this cafe for twenty minutes now, elbows on the table and head on my fingertips, eyes closed over the coffee that'll probably give me a headache if I get around to drinking it. I didn't initially come here thinking about Logan, but of course I eventually did. It's awful hard not to when he's so glaringly absent - and when suicidal thoughts keep interrupting my day.

I think he'd been gone for three days, and I couldn't sleep, when the thought drifted into my head that I've never tried poison. Since then it's been a vague but near-constant presence in the back of my mind. I find myself mulling it over, deciding on the kind, place, and time. Deciding how to make sure that it works for once, even as a part of me insists that this is crazy and there's nothing to kill myself over. But I can't seem to convince myself of anything right now.

Well, okay, how about this - maybe he is better off without you.
Hm. Actually, that is more convincing. Not that it helps the whole suicide thing, but it certainly is more convincing. He probably is better off. I mean... all I ever did was try and change him. And all that really happened was that I changed instead. So maybe we are better off. Maybe he did the right thing for both of us.

But that doesn't change the fact that I want to kiss him. To lie in bed beside him and just look at him until he notices and raises his eyebrows back at me in that 'you've gone mental' way. And it doesn't change the fact that I miss him so badly that I feel like my heart has been stepped on. Or that even though I know that I was happier and healthier with Travis, overall, I still can't seem to bring myself to go back to him and try to be happy again.

So okay, I love him. But it's still for the best, right?
I sigh slightly, taking a sip of my coffee with eyes still closed. I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that one, but it still doesn't help a whole lot.

[Logan Andrews]

I expected it to hurt more than this.
I thought that it would be so bad that...I don't know. I guess I got it stuck in my head that I couldn't live without her, and sure it's crossed my mind a couple of times. Especially in the first few hours to the first couple of days where I found myself making a mental list of suicide methods and crossing them off as I decided against them. And I guess...it'd be a lie if I said that the list was completely crossed off, because there are still a couple of things to consider.
Like how I'm feeling fairly...okay, today, but tomorrow I could plummet again.

Because honestly, what's the point?
There's nothing else. Nothing I can really get out of life because I'm a fucking fugitive. Even if life with her was just go out, come back, go out, come back...at least it was something, at least it had a little bit of happiness in it, despite the total lack of really living.
And now the same applies, still a fugitive and worried enough about it to prevent me from really living, except without the merit of the occasional blip of...pleasantness.

Was that another massive low there? No, I don't think it was. Not enough of one to start reconsidering the list of options for checking out early. It was just a little dip while I remember how bleak the rest of my life is going to be.
It's not as if I'm going to find any other person on this planet that is ever going to want me around. I suppose, it's not as if I'm going to find any other person on this planet that I'll ever really want to be around.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life, however short or long a time that might be, just wandering aimlessly without point or purpose and grappling with insanity vs. sanity and when blessed with enough clarity to remember and regret; trying to recall why the fuck I even walked away.

Which is, essentially, what I'm doing now...walking without direction down a muggle street and trying to pretend that I have a destination rather than the ill-thought out plan of 'just keep walking and we'll see where it gets us'. Just surrounding myself with the company of people I despise and wondering why I'm still bothering to abstain from bloodshed when there's nothing really holding me back apart from the nagging thought that maybe I can't do it anymore anyway. I suppose that would count as toeing the line between the sane and insane a little bit.
And trying to recall why the fuck I even walked away is something I've been doing a fair bit of. Why bother even fighting for her as half-heartedly as I did when she was being fickle between Riley and I, if the second a real rival shows up I'm going to just give up and walk away? Why let that bloody happen, when this is the alternative? The can't-sleep-can't-eat-would-sell-whatevers-left-of-my-soul-for-just-one-last-kiss miserable alternative.

I'd like to say that was a little bit of an exaggeration, but it's not. Not when every time I try and close my eyes and sleep, the vivid imagination kicks in and reminds me what I'm missing and what someone else is getting in my place. Or when I can't be bothered with even trying to sustain myself because...there's nothing to sustain anymore, no point, no purpose, no anything.
And that just goes back round full circle to that punchably stupid thought that started off all of these following ones. The 'I expected it to hurt more than this' thought. Because although it's not as bad it could be, it's certainly quite bad enough and I don't really want to spend anymore time dwelling on anything.

But what's the alternative to that? If not spend time dwelling on it, what else am I supposed to dwell on? What else am I supposed to do?
Snap the fuck out of it, fucking idiot.
Oh...yeah, could do that, I suppose.
Or I could just keep repeating to myself that I expected it to hurt more than this until such a point where I belittle the actual hurt right the way down into such a small nothing that it doesn't bother me anymore.

[Arden Patricks]

This is stupid, finally worms its way into my thoughts after another... I don't know, ten minutes? And I also wholeheartedly agree with myself on that. Except I'm not really sure what 'this' is exactly.

Sitting here and letting my thoughts go in ever-more-miserable circles is fairly stupid. Misery in general is probably stupid, but kind of inevitable right now so never mind. And of course, above all, sitting out here in a place I'm not even familiar with, with a drink that I really don't want because I'm trying to convince myself that if I act like nothing's wrong it'll somehow make it true... now that's unbelievably stupid. If I'm just going to feel like this no matter where I am - and I'm pretty sure I will - then I may as well go home. There's nothing I can do to get over him faster.

It may, however, help if I don't run into him unexpectedly just as I'm leaving the stupid cafe to head back home. I'm walking with my head down, arms crossed, but I have to look up briefly if I'm going to cross the street and - Fuck. Not now.

I turn around immediately, not sure if he's seen me too, and also half-wondering if I'm just imagining it's him. What the hell would he be doing here, anyway? Other than making me somehow, some way, feel even worse than I did before I saw him? I'd not have thought it possible... but, I was holding it together at least, more apathetic than anything else. Now the pain is sharper as if I'm going to cry again. What in the fuck is he doing here?

[Logan Andrews]

I think for a moment that maybe I have progressed to full-blown, misery-driven, exhaustion-related hallucinations, until I realise how stupid that it is.
But really, what the fuck are the odds? Apparently quite high, because whenever I try and avoid someone they are there. Wherever 'there' is and no matter how obscure 'there' is, it's karma or just fate having a laugh by placing people I want to avoid right where I'm going to run into them.
I hadn't realised I was even trying to avoid her, until I remember that...oh yeah, you can't belittle or intimidate hurt into going away when someone breaks your fucking heart, especially if that person is going to turn up just a few yards away without you being prepared for it.
Fuck, at least this time it isn't her sister I've run into.

I consider for a moment pretending not to have seen her, turning around or avoiding her some other way, but I think by the way she turns around she's clearly already seen me. I don't want to be overly childish, don't want to go out of my way to escape either, because I'm over it, snapping out of it, getting over it...or trying to...so there's no harm in just proving it, proving that I can talk to her and not care because I'm snapping out of it and getting over it...
And I suppose this very loose half-formed plan is enough for me to spastically act on, prompting a somewhat ridiculous, empty and overly painful greeting of, "Hey."

[Arden Patricks]

Oh, fuck.
I close my eyes briefly, biting my lip hard and stopping dead still for a second before turning back around, excruciatingly painfully and slowly.
"... H-hey," I get out shakily, looking at the ground rather than him and having a strong urge to flee.

[Logan Andrews]

Hm, yeah. This was a bad idea. Really, horrifically, bad.
On hindsight, I don't know what made me even think this would be a good idea. But hey, on the bright side, if she's going to stare at the floor like that I don't even have to pretend to look at her and can unashamedly focus my attention on the air above her head instead.
"Ah...how are you?"
Well, that was fucking awful. As far as small talk goes, that was abysmal. But I suppose it would have been weirder to have just said 'hey' and then walked off.

[Arden Patricks]

I flash a glance up at him as if to ask if that's a fucking joke because how does he think I am?
But I don't want to... guilt-trip him or anything.
"Fine." I shrug briefly. "How're you?"

[Logan Andrews]

For some reason I didn't expect to get asked that in return, so I just shrug indifferently as a response, "Alright."
And I'm not sure if I believe her, either. It's quite possibly ridiculous and egotistical to think that I had such a profound effect on her by leaving as I did on myself, especially as she was ready with the replacement anyway...the not-dead boyfriend who's name I don't even know.
Ha. There's a point, there's a question, 'So how do we compare then, me and whats-his-name?' or 'Things going better with him than they ever did with me?' But that's sort of childish and there's no point in guilting her.

[Arden Patricks]

"Good," I nod, forcing myself to look up to see if I believe him. Not that I can ever really read him, anyway.
"So what are you doing here?" And when can I go off and cry and wish that it wouldn't be selfish and wrong to just kiss you right now and tell you I'm sorry and ask you to come back?

[Logan Andrews]

Yeah, good. Great. Brilliant.
"Just walking..." Pause while I try and think of something less vague to add to that, but I guess there isn't anything. That's literally it, literally all there's been and literally all there's going to be. So I shrug it off, and ask, "What about you?" Shouldn't you be with him?

[Arden Patricks]

Oh... there's a good question. What the hell are you doing here that won't be guilt-inducing or in any way let on that your heart is torn apart nd you're on bloody autopilot most of the time?
"... Just... here," I shrug slightly. "I don't know. Would've thought you might be gone by now."

[Logan Andrews]

'Just here' makes it sound sort of like she's sort of doing the same thing that I'm doing, what with the seemingly aimless wandering, but I don't suppose I'll press it. There's little point and it's not my business if she doesn't know why she's here.
The second part of that calls for a raised eyebrow in response though. I hadn't really thought about leaving yet, and I don't think I'm actually ever going to get round to it. I've said it a few times, agreed that it's for the best, but that doesn't mean that I particularly want to.
But I just answer instead, "No...not got round to it yet," because stating the obvious is fairly safe.

[Arden Patricks]

"Mm...." I shrug slightly. On second thought, I guess I really did suspect that more so than assuming he'd be gone. He didn't leave the last time, after all, so I guess there's something else, some sort of reason other than me that's making him stick around here idiotically.

[Logan Andrews]

"Hm." I agree.
Now I'm sort of tempted to leave it at that. I can't remember what the point was in stopping to talk to her, apart from the opportunity to prove to myself that I can hold a conversation without giving in to the very strong urge to try and undo my own idiocy.
"How are things going, by the way?" I think I already asked that, but last time it just slipped out whereas this time I mean...well, with him. I mean to ask how things are going with him, whether she's happy now...because her happiness is paramount and I'd like to know. "With him?"
With the not-dead asshole who's name I don't even know. No, 'him' probably works better.

[Arden Patricks]

"I don't know," I say immediately, looking at him in surprise... but I suppose it's a perfectly reasonable assumption on his part. "I'm not -" I chose you. Of course I chose you. But the fact that I was stupid enough to make it into a choice is the reason you left, and I don't have any right to... what the hell am I saying? I think I lost track of my point.
"If you're talking about Travis," I say again, looking at the ground and biting my cheek between words. "I haven't even seen him since I told him I was sorry."

[Logan Andrews]

Travis. Right, I'm going to commit that to memory and now I have a name to match to the...source of discomfort. And I think I pay too much attention to it, resulting in a slightly delayed reaction because I don't really take in much of the answer at first.
And then what the hell do I say anyway? It was a stupid question to even ask on my part because I don't think I do want to know after all. I don't want to hear that things are going good with him, and fuck, I don't want to hear that they're not at all...because that means I walked away for no reason and sort of boosts the whole stupidity up a few notches. I guess I should have stuck around for a little while longer then.
But...too late for that now, I suppose.
"Ah...I see." I say after a moment.

[Arden Patricks]

Oh, do you? Do you really?
I shrug slightly, not really sure where this angry sarcasm has come from or what it's referring to. But at least I didn't say it.
And this is incredibly awkward and also incredibly painful, so I think I might just go now before it gets much worse... before he can say anything brilliant and deserved yet rather nasty like 'oh? did he not appreciate being toyed with either?' I think the fact my own subconscious has said it is really quite enough.
"Yeah... so that's about it," I mutter under my breath. "So... I guess... maybe I'll see you around. And... and if you ever need anything... a place to stay, or just... anything... you know where I am." And I turn around quickly again so that I can get out of here before I start crying. I think that's enough small talk for today.

[Logan Andrews]

That was sort of abrupt and it hurts an unreasonable amount to have her walk away. But then again, that's pretty much what I did...an abrupt decision to leave, lame 'see you then' and walking away, so maybe it's deserved that I get that in return.
But it's still not really fair or overly pleasant and I'm not finished yet, because I don't actually see...don't get it, at all. So why hasn't she seen him...Travis? I can't see that enough time has passed that she could have fucked with his head too, so what? She just changed her fucking mind? Or...what?
But still, none of my business, I suppose.
So...whether I'm suddenly a little bit pissed or not, I still say after her half-heartedly, "Sorry."
I'm not entirely sure why I'm sorry, but I feel sort of like I've upset her by the way she turns around so quickly, and I really didn't mean to upset her.

[Arden Patricks]

Oh, fuck. I think that I'm starting to get irritated, honestly, especially with that last... that one, stupid little word that makes me turn around again to look at him incredulously.
"What in the hell do you have to be sorry for?" I ask. Other than breaking my heart, but I brought that on myself. "Unless it was condolences, but just... no. Take it back. I'm not going to let you apologize."
This probably makes very little sense, but I was trying so hard not to let on that there's any reason for pity, for condolences, for apologies... and now he's done it anyway but it was all my fault.

[Logan Andrews]

"Oh, you're not going to let me apologise?" That definitely calls for raised eyebrows...mostly because it was quite a stupid thing to say, but partly because I'm not sure whether I'm amused or annoyed but it feels like something in between. "Too late. Did it anyway."
Not going to take it back either, so ha.
Fucking immature, but I don't care. I'm just glad for her company, for however short a time.

[Arden Patricks]

"And you shouldn't have," I insist, then shake my head. "But never mind. This is awkward, and ridiculous, and I'm sorry too. For everything I did. And so I'm really going to go now."
I'm not sure why or how, but somewhere in between the irritation and vague sort of amusement stemming from the fact that he almost seems amused as well... it doesn't even hurt anymore. Not for the moment anyway.

[Logan Andrews]

"I think it was sort of called for."
Not sure why, of course, but I'm sure I could think of a reason if I had to. I fucked up enough times, helped deliver final blow by being the one to decide that I'd had enough, even if she was the one that prompted it. So that warrants an apology.
And I think, even though I don't particularly like accepting apologies as well as making them, I'm glad she said it too. I'm glad she's sorry for fucking me about, but there's no need to say that out loud. No point.
"But fine. You go, then."
Which I don't want her to do, and I'm not sure how well I'm going to handle it when she does and whether or not it'll prompt another downward spiral...but it's not as if I can stop her.

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head in protest, ignoring his dismissal because I guess on second thought we aren't finished speaking just yet. "What for? What could you possibly have to apologize for?"
He's not the one that ruined it this time; I did. He was trying, and I loved him for it, and I still had to go fuck it up.

[Logan Andrews]

"Take your pick of reasons." I shrug. "I don't care which."
Cheating, killing your neighbours, driving you to putting a plastic bag over your head...etc.
Except maybe those don't count, maybe that's all irrelevant because it's all over now anyway, but I'm sorry about that too because I really should never have given up and walked away and should have just stuck with it.

[Arden Patricks]

"I can't pick a reason if you won't provide me with any," I argue, shaking my head. "Logan, look - I know that you've screwed up before. But all that's in the past, and this time it was me. So you're not allowed to apologize."

[Logan Andrews]

I'm going to choose to brush most of that off, I think, because I don't particularly like this conversation and I'm not sure I want to be having it anymore.
"Too late," I repeat, "I already did. You can take it or leave it...I don't care either way."
I have a feeling it's going to be 'leave it' or maybe 'argue a bit more' but I'm hoping it's not. I feel like an idiot for getting exasperated and giving up, recognise that it must be my fault at least partly, and now I've apologised for it and it's over and done and dead and buried. It's all in the past now, like she just said, so it doesn't matter anyway.

[Arden Patricks]

"Fine," I sigh silently, shaking my head. "I didn't mean to argue with you, all right? I love you and I hope you can be happy, and that's all I really want to say."
And now I can actually leave like I've been planning to, and get back to being miserable.

[Logan Andrews]

I don't know if there's any point even dignifying that with a response other than a brief and involuntary, semi-incredulous laugh. It's not that I don't believe her, not that I doubt that she does love me or wants me to be happy because I feel pretty much the same towards her...but what an unnecessarily painful thing to say. As if I really wanted to hear that. As if I need anything else to fuel the current misery.
"Right, well thanks for that."
And this is the point where I leave, except I don't know in which direction I'm going...only that it's most likely going to be the opposite one to where she's going, but I don't which way that is either, so I'm going to have to wait for her to leave first I suppose.

[Arden Patricks]

"What, did I offend you or something?" I ask when he laughs like that. "What am I supposed to say? I do hope you walk off a cliff? Because... I'm sorry, but I can't."

[Logan Andrews]

"I didn't ask you to say anything." I mutter in response, neglecting to add that 'I do hope you walk off a cliff' may have actually been preferable.