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Post by Arden Patricks on May 3, 2009 22:38:44 GMT
"Well, as opposed to what I did say then," I say a bit more snappishly than I intend to, before it rather abruptly dawns on me that this isn't our usual fighting and banter because after it's over we'll go our separate ways and then there's a pretty decent chance that I'll be miserable enough to push the vague musings about poison from the back of my mind to the front.
So, in a sense... the longer I keep arguing with him, the longer I live. And if that's not pathetic I don't know what is.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 3, 2009 22:45:02 GMT
"I don't want to fucking argue with you."
Which isn't a direct reply to whatever it was she said, more of a response to her tone...although I suppose snapping back isn't the greatest of ideas to discourage an argument.
This is, in all likelihood, the last time we will argue...or talk...or anything, because I hope against hope we won't run into each other again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 3, 2009 22:47:31 GMT
"Fine. Don't fucking say anything and I won't have to correct you."
Hm. Now that was a bit... flippant, automatic, completely unconnected to anything specific. Maybe I subconsciously want to life more than I'd've thought.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 3, 2009 22:55:16 GMT
"Oh, fuck you."
I can't be bothered with a more eloquent response, and also really genuinely don't want to argue...so it's more of an automatic response than anything but also more resigned and tired-sounding than irritable or confrontational.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 3, 2009 22:59:31 GMT
I laugh very slightly at that, running my hands over my face and then shaking my head.
"You're right. What are we doing? This is ridiculous. We are no longer together; what you do or say is none of my business and anymore and I really don't know what we're arguing about... and I have to go find some bloody arsenic so I should probably be going."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 3, 2009 23:12:35 GMT
I have to catch myself there, because I'm about to nod in agreement before I catch the last part of that and roll my eyes instead.
"For fucks sake, Arden."
Seems a bit of an overreaction to head off to acquire some arsenic, but it also has me weirdly alert...more concerned than I should be, considering I was just about to agree that as we are indeed no longer together we're no longer each other's business.
"Don't be so ridiculous." Or at least don't say it out loud. Now what am I supposed to do?
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 3, 2009 23:22:45 GMT
"Oh, for heaven's sake," I mutter, shaking my head. "Nothing to worry about; doesn't mean anything. And like I just said... we're over now, right? Go find a way to be happy."
Inwardly I'm wincing at my completely idiotic slip of the tongue, but he doesn't need to know that.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 3, 2009 23:33:15 GMT
I'm half-tempted to take her up on that.
Yeah, great idea. Just fuck off and leave her to get her hands on potentially lethal substances?
Or maybe not then.
I suppose just because I'm not obliged to give a shit anymore, just because we're over...it doesn't mean I can just switch it off and not care and not be alarmed when she announces she's going to find some arsenic.
"Why would you say something like that then? If it doesn't mean anything, why say it?"
Probably the wrong way to react when someone hints that they might be suicidal, but she can't do that. Can't say that and then continue on to say 'oh for heaven's sake' like that as if it's not important when it is.
I'm sort of tempted to tack on the end of that a 'So, new improved way to fuck with my head or are you just being a bitch for the hell of it?' sort of remark...because it feels like that. Feels like she's trying to get me to argue or try and force a rise out of me by idly mentioning poison like that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 3, 2009 23:39:36 GMT
"Well, who the hell said it was for me?" I ask feebly. I really should have learned to think on my feet better if I'm going to continue blurting things out with no editing. I feel like an idiot now because from his perspective it's probably just melodramatic... but that's not why I said it, I don't think. I think, in hindsight, that i said it because I was toying with telling him how I really feel about this and how badly I want him back, but I've told myself sternly not to do that and so this was how I chose to get around it.
Because that's only mildly insane.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 3, 2009 23:52:34 GMT
I don't think that really requires a response beyond a brief sarcastic 'oh, right, of course' sort of look.
And now what? What the hell do I say? 'Please, don't even try' won't work and I can't do anything about it anyway, considering we're over now so she's none of my concern. I don't suppose there's any point in asking why she's tempted to poison herself either because I think that's a given.
So silence will do, for now, because there's nothing to say.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 4, 2009 0:05:17 GMT
Okay, he's not that stupid. I sigh slightly, shaking my head again. "... Fuck. I fucked it all up again." I run my hands over my face again, then look up. "All right, fine. I know you're not that stupid. So here's a revised version of the utterly ridiculous conversation we just had: I love you and I miss you, but I don't want you to think for one second that it's your fault I'm weak and pathetic. I've brought this on myself. So I really, truly hope you can be happy... and if anything happens to me... it's not your fault."
There. That was what I should have said. And now that I finally have, there's no point in waiting for any sort of response. So once I've said my piece, I turn around to head down the street again, wishing yet again that I could just erase that whole conversation.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 4, 2009 14:28:34 GMT
Oh...well...good.
I struggle to even get that, as far as thoughts forming into words go, so I suppose articulation is out of the window.
I don't know exactly why this is good because if anything it's just rubbing more salt into the wounds, letting me know that she loves me so in theory...all I have to do is say it back and then things could be different.
Especially with the 'if anything happens to me' on the end, because even if she's saying it wouldn't be my fault it still somehow feels...like not quite a threat, but similar. And I can't handle that, can't have that on my shoulders if she's going to do it...so I suppose it's that which gives me the much needed push into desperate territory and means that I can't just let her walk away from me.
"Arden...wait, don't. I love you and I miss you too, so...so please don't do anything stupid and don't walk away and...I don't know."
Yeah...that really wasn't very articulate or sensible, but it made a little bit of sense for something that came out without being censored or edited in any way. It'll do, anyway.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 4, 2009 23:14:35 GMT
Well, dammit. Of course I have to stop when he says that, but I don't turn around immediately, just close my eyes in something like frustration. He's better off without you. But you blew it. "You'd better not be saying that just because... because you can't accept that it wouldn't be your fault, or anything like that," I say finally, turning around now. "I'll promise not to do anything then, if that's the case. But I'm not going to be selfish anymore."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 5, 2009 11:31:19 GMT
"I'm not saying it because of that." I reply immediately, although that's only semi-truthful.
I do love her and I do miss her, but if she hadn't decided to tell me she's off to poison herself then I wouldn't be saying it. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be thinking it though.
I don't know if it really matters either, whether she's going to promise not to do anything or whether she doesn't want to be selfish anymore, because now I've said it my willpower has totally crumbled and I suppose I'm not satisfied with that...with knowing she's going to be safe, happy or that at least she's promised not to off herself. No, it's not quite enough...but then again, I don't know what to do about that.
"Selfish? What were you doing that was selfish?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 5, 2009 14:31:02 GMT
"I don't know; maybe nothing, but i was just determined to keep it that way," I say, shaking my head. "I'm sorry; I fucked up. I wasn't... I wasn't going to try and get you back. You don't deserve that."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 7, 2009 18:56:52 GMT
Is that relevant?
Yes, actually...it probably is, but I guess I just don't want to pay attention and respond. Whether I deserve it or not, whether she fucked up or not, or whatever else...it just doesn't really matter to me.
And I guess I tried to say that, tried to tell her that I love her and I miss her and asked her not to walk away...so that's me done, that's quite possibly the extent of what I can manage when trying to express myself. And I'm here if she decides that even though she's wasn't 'going to try and get me back', she wants me back. But I guess not, and I can't think, can't reason, so if she wants to argue even more I'm not going to argue back.
"Well...have it your way, Arden. Whatever you want."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 7, 2009 19:09:20 GMT
I half-laugh at that, shaking my head in protest. "No. No, that's exactly my point. I shouldn't have what I want, because I did and I fucked it all up. And I'm trying so hard not to let you know what I want, but apparently that's all fucked up too because I can't keep my mouth shut, and... and I just don't...." ... really know where the fuck I'm going with this.
I notice I've been gesturing rather sporadically and frustratedly, and so I lower my hands to keep from doing that further so I don't look like a crazy person... even if I am.
I think... what I really want to hear is that he forgives me and wants to be with me. But I don't dare say that in case he decides, as he just said, that I can just have it my way.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 7, 2009 19:32:36 GMT
For Christ's sake, I don't even know what's going on anymore, what's happening or what's already happened and what I'm supposed to do now.
And I just want this to be over, actually. I really want to kiss her, go home, so everything can fall back into that often frustrating but pretty alright overall routine. But in the same breath, I can't think...at all, for some reason can't get my head around anything or even decipher what the hell she wants...or not what she wants because I suppose she's made that fairly clear...but she keeps saying that she's fucked it up or doesn't want to be selfish or shouldn't have what she wants and...fuck it all.
"...Okay." I say finally. "You fucked up...it doesn't matter...it's okay."
I guess that's a loose reply to the first thing she said. Almost forgiveness, I suppose, but mostly because I understood that part and then stopped understanding when she started rambling a little bit before trailing off like that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 7, 2009 19:39:10 GMT
"No it's not," I mutter, then shrug and sigh slightly. "... Sorry. That was unnecessarily argumentative. But what I mean is... what do you want? Honestly? Because I can... go away, and never run into you again. Or I can... try and change, if you want to try again. But I can't make any promises."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 7, 2009 20:08:14 GMT
"It was unnecessarily argumentative, yes." I agree and then have to pause to roll my eyes briefly, because what have I wanted consistently for the past few months? It's not as if that's changed, not as if I don't want her anymore just because she screwed me over again, doubt that's ever going to happen. "I want to try again...I guess."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 7, 2009 20:13:43 GMT
"'You guess'?" I repeat disbelievingly, raising my eyebrows. "Logan, that's exactly what I'm talking about. We shouldn't - you'll be better off if I just leave you alone."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 7, 2009 20:22:48 GMT
"I didn't mean..." I don't know what I meant, I think I just slipped that in to stop me from adding something about how if we do try again, she can't be a fickle whore anymore. "I don't know what I meant...but better off if you leave me alone? How could I possibly be better off? I'm...fucking miserable, without you, and I want to be back with you. So...there you go, that's what I want...and that's it. Your call, now."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 7, 2009 20:32:53 GMT
And I'm a self-destructive fickle whore who flipflops on every decision - including whether it's best to hack yourself to pieces bit by bit or just blow your brains out in one go. And you know what? I think it's you. The years you weren't around, I wasn't like this at all. But as soon as you're back in my life I start spiraling downward again. Yet I hate it when I lose you because it doesn't feel right. So there you go. Two extremes. And they're ripping me apart so that's where the flipflopping comes from and it's all just a stupid, frustrating, adolescent mess.
"Well, if that's what you want...." I shake my head. "I can't imagine why but there you go. If that's what you want you can have it." And I will refuse[/i] to be fickle anymore. First sign of it and the self-destruction starts and I don't give a damn if that bothers you. I hack at my arms or I kiss other guys, your choice.[/i]
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 7, 2009 20:41:50 GMT
Somehow that felt too easy, too conclusive, and too much like she's saying that only for my sake. I try not to think about the detrimental effects that I have on other people's physical or mental wellbeing if I'm around them for too long...but I suppose I have to consider that. Have to consider that really maybe it's not for the best and not even what she wants, if she really thinks about it.
"I don't...if you don't want..."
Ah, that'll do, because I can't think how to end that sentence.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 7, 2009 20:47:22 GMT
"Oh, shut up," I mutter wearily, shaking my head. "I've been stuck on autopilot while I work out the details of exactly how I'll poison myself, ever since you left. Of course I want you back. I just... don't want to interfere with you life if you don't want me back. I'm the one who messed up."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 7, 2009 20:56:10 GMT
"Ah...fair enough, then."
I don't want to think about that particularly, suicidal autopilot I mean, because it makes me feel sort of guilty. I don't know what life of mine she'd be interfering exactly, considering I don't really have one apart from her. And I know she messed up, but I've already told her that's okay. So none of that really warrants responding to, but I do know I sort of want to kiss her and forget the whole stupid conversation and the whole stupid past few days and have done with it.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 7, 2009 21:03:10 GMT
"Well, fine. Good," I say after a moment, feeling that something should be said. On second thought, of course, that's probably not it. Maybe if this didn't feel so inevitable and anticlimactic and if I didn't rather badly want to beat the hell out of myself.... I should have just kissed him when we first started arguing. And instead I'm way over here, being an idiot.
"... S-so... do you want to go home then?" I ask finally, biting my lip.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 7, 2009 21:10:35 GMT
"Yeah...alright then." I say slowly after a moment.
I hate how this happens, the awkward distance. Maybe if she hadn't walked off however long ago, it wouldn't be so bad, but she's over there and I'm over here and it means I have to close the distance. Not hard, really, but rather irritating for some reason.
And instead of kissing her like I sort of want to, I just take her hand instead.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 7, 2009 21:17:14 GMT
I don't recall if Riley eve hugged me, but I'm pretty sure he didn't. So this is the first I've been touched in... however long it's been since he left. So I'm sure it's understandable when I flinch, instinctively withdrawing my hand. Or at least I hope to hell it's understandable.
"Sorry," I say quietly, grimacing, and take his hand in mine instead.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 7, 2009 21:21:40 GMT
"It's alright..." I pause a moment, keeping my grip around her hand loose because apparently it's not quite acceptable. I guess I'm glad I didn't kiss her just then, as it would have been worse if she'd flinched away from that.
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