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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 15:01:49 GMT
"I'm not even seeing this as you insulting yourself, Arden." I said shaking my head slightly again, "I'm seeing this as a somewhat nice way of saying 'I don't want to be your friend anymore.'"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 15:16:04 GMT
Dammit. "No, that's not it at all." I shake my head quickly, trying to explain myself. "This is me saying... what I've said, that you don't deserve to be hurt like this all the time. But clearly I have no fucking idea what's best for everyone else, because I tried to do that but then chose what I wanted instead. And it's like the first time you try to kill yourself because everyone else will be better off without you, better off without you hurting them. But then they ask why you did that, why you would hurt them, and then what the fuck is the point? If you hurt them while alive, hurt them with your death, what in the hell are you supposed to do? And that's what I don't know, because I'm trying to do the right thing but you're telling me not to 'cause it hurts, but I know damn well that if I don't, I'm going to hurt you anyway. So what do you want me to do?"
I'm not quite on the verge of tears yet, but I know it's pretty close because this is so frustrating, trying so desperately to make myself understood and knowing it likely won't work.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 15:25:09 GMT
That was quite a speech and it takes me a moment to take it all in and actually hear what she's saying. I guess it did help a bit to know that that's where she was coming from.. which isn't really as what I originally thought.
".. Arden, I want you to try and stop trying to stop hurting me." I said after a moment. "Because, honestly, that's what causes the most pain. You're not the only one who thinks they're hurting me all the time so it'd be better off if they were gone. I've already went through this with Riyann, and I'm fucking sick of saying the same things. You're just hurting me more when trying to get away from me."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 15:30:10 GMT
I close my eyes a moment, take a deep breath, and nod. "You want us to keep attempting to be friends?" I ask, not really thinking of whether or not that's the best phrasing. "Will you please at least consider my advice to try and have more friends? That's all I was going for at first."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 15:33:51 GMT
"It's the only reason that I'm here right now." I said in reply to her with a faint shrug.
"Yeah, I'll try to find more friends, Arden. But the point is, you're my best one."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 15:36:16 GMT
"All right," I nod finally, sighing slightly. I think you're being self-destructive, but all right.
"... Sorry for yelling a bit there," I add after a moment.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 21:53:50 GMT
"Thank you." I said sort of quietly again, feeling sort of awkward now at how this conversation seems to have turned out.
I shook my head faintly, "S'fine.. sorry too."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 1:57:43 GMT
I nod in acknowledgment of his thanks, then shake my head. "No need to apologize."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:00:56 GMT
I shrugged faintly, frowning a little bit. "Then neither do you.. my fault for coming here. I should've waited longer."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:04:21 GMT
"I doubt that would've changed things on my end," I say, shrugging.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:06:17 GMT
"You mean coming later?" I asked after a moment, biting my lip faintly for a second, starting to play with my hands a bit.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:07:47 GMT
"Aye," I nod. "No matter when you came, I imagine I'd say the same things."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:11:22 GMT
I nodded slightly, "Alright.." Though, right now, I was thinking about how it's possible that whatever I was going to say would, or could, have been different. ".. I'm not sure I can say the same thing about myself.. Probably though.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:15:18 GMT
I shrug slightly, shaking my head. "Well... anyway, we said it. So how've you been lately anyway?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:20:42 GMT
Right.. we said it and there's really no going back on anything now. You can reverse a lot of things, but that's not so much the case with conversations.. arguments.. whatever you want to call what we just had.
I shrugged. "Mostly good, I guess." I said after a moment. "Just being alive sort of's taken over most of myself..." There's also some worry though.. and some loneliness.. I thought instead of saying outloud. And maybe a bit of depression.
".. How've you been?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:24:57 GMT
"Yeah, I suppose that's always good," I say, smiling slightly. In all the commotion, I've just about forgotten he was dying... strange as that seems. Then I shrug, looking down at the carpet. "I've been all right."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:28:43 GMT
"Yeah.. guess so." I said with a faint nod, smiling sort of weakly.
"That's good then.." I said with a faint smile over to her for a second.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:32:03 GMT
"You guess so?" I repeat, raising my eyebrows. "That didn't sound too convincing, Riley."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:35:32 GMT
"Well, I mean, the being happy part is good, but it's sort of just turned into being.. grateful?" I asked after a moment. "Grateful, mixed in with.. whatever other feelings, I dunno." I said eventually, shaking my head a little bit.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:37:04 GMT
"Well, whatever feelings such as what?" I ask curiously.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:40:33 GMT
I crossed my arms in front of my chest and shrugged faintly, biting my lip a little bit as I thought.
"I dunno.." I paused again. "I was just worried, sort of lonely." I shrugged, starting to find a nice spot on the floor to keep my attention on.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:42:48 GMT
"Worried about what?" I ask, tilting my head and frowning slightly in concern. I'm not sure what to say about the loneliness part, seeing as I think it's my fault.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:47:12 GMT
I shrugged faintly again, ".. Sort of everything, actually." I said after a moment. ".. About you mostly, actually... and about myself.. like I'm gonna fall of something and end up killing myself.. I dunno, random other things."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:51:20 GMT
"You were worried about me?" I ask now, puzzled. "I guess the rest is understandable given what you've just been through, but I hope it tapers off."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 2:55:48 GMT
"Yeah." I said glancing over to her again. "It's what I always do.. It's one of the reasons I didn't want you to leave the other day.." I paused for a moment trying to find a simple way to explain it so I didn't end up talking forever trying to find the right words. "It's like if I get into a fight with somebody and I don't mend it right now, they're going to leave and it'll turn into some awful movie and they'll.. die or something." I slightly wondered if this was crazy of me to think though..
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 2:58:37 GMT
I can't help but smile at that, but only very briefly before shrugging. "That... makes a vague sort of sense. I guess you never do know what could happen."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 3:01:11 GMT
"It's just.. stupid." I said with a sort of weak smile for a moment and shrug a little bit. "But yeah.. I just feel like there's a greater chance of something awful happening if someone leaves on bad terms.. cos my luck is just that terrible."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 3:09:50 GMT
I grimace slightly. "Mm... maybe it is."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 15, 2009 3:13:00 GMT
"Thanks, that's comforting." I said after a moment as I looked over to her again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 15, 2009 3:16:53 GMT
I laugh slightly, not quite sure if that was sarcastic but unable to see how it could be sincere. "Sorry."
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