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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 12, 2009 2:58:49 GMT
[ I hope this makes sense, lol ]
Please don't let Logan be here...
Please don't let Logan be here...
I thought this to myself repeatedly as I walked up to the door of Arden's house. It had been nearly two weeks since I last saw her. Since I last even spoke to her. And I knew I should probably still be upset, but I wasn't sure how much longer I could go on like this.
I was still slightly sore about the whole thing.. which was one good reason I probably shouldn't even be here right now.. but I really did not like how I left things with her and I think that that feeling was overpowering the one telling me to stay angry with her. Anyway, I knew somewhere in my head that our chance wasn't as big as she said it was... things never work out with us, and that should have been a sign for me to not kiss her back when she kissed me.. and to tell her, lie to her even, that I didn't love her. Then this whole mess could have been avoided. Therefore, it's my fault.
It wasn't her fault that she kept changing her mind about things, I guess, not completely at least. And I, like all of those other times, should just stick to that and get over this whole thing, and over her.
We were obviously better off as friends and whether I can get over loving her in that way, or not, I was going to have to try and ignore it and just be a friend. Because I really have come to the conclusion that I need her and that she really is pretty much the only friend that I have and I really cannot afford to lose her.
So with those thoughts, I knocked on her door, still praying that Logan wasn't home right now.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 12, 2009 15:44:28 GMT
Is it really, really awful that I don't even miss my best friend? Not as much as I should anyway; just in little twinges that pass quickly enough. But in a way, I'm kind of relieved not to be around Riley anymore. It feels kind of nice to not be confused, to love someone so much that you're pretty sure you'd die for them, and yet have an urge to kiss someone else when you're around them. Because that's fucked up, and it's a difficult feeling to miss.
The part that I do miss is Riley himself, and the way our friendship used to be. I don't miss it enough to be willing to put up with the rest, but I miss it a little. And I hope that he's... all right, and happy. But I really don't care if he ever forgives me. I can live with that if he doesn't. Or I think so anyway.
But I've finally got a job again so that I've got something to do. And Logan and I are trying to make this work. And I recently endured a half hour rant on Chance's part about how I can't just drop off the face of the Earth for months at a time and expect my old friends to still give a damn when I finally show up again, before he finally calmed down and let me in to say hi to his kids. I'm using him as a replacement for Riley, more or less, though I would probably have gotten 'round to seeing him eventually anyway. And I'm pretty sure he knows that, but being Chance doesn't mind. I think I replaced him with Riley years ago, so maybe it's justice or something.
But in short, I've been dealing with and resigned to the idea that Riley and I will be over for a fairly long time. It took him forever to finally be as angry with me as he should be, but somehow I've assumed that now he really is going to be properly mad.
My mistake, obviously, as I realize when I distractedly open the door to find him standing there. I blink for a moment, taken aback, then shake my head and try to be friendly. "... Ah... hi. What are you doing here?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 12, 2009 22:28:29 GMT
I should have expected that reaction from her when she saw me standing at her doorstep. I mean, I'm sure that sure that she had expected me to stay away from her for quite some time.
But the thing she might not know, is that I basically have no friends other than her and my family. And since Mungos had made me take time off work, I have had nothing to do but think about what happened between us and hang out with my kids. So what normally happened was that I would be doing both at the same time.
But no matter which way I looked at it, I figured I should just come apoligize now and get over it.. the sooner we get over this maybe the sooner things can be back to normal.. well, somewhat at least.
".. Hey.." I paused for a moment, glancing away from her for a second. So maybe this was a bit more difficult that I had originally planned. "Um.. Just came to talk to you..." I said eventually, looking back up to her. Why was I going to apologize again? I could swear I had a reason on my way up here... "... If you'll let me?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 13, 2009 2:16:18 GMT
I hesitate slightly, double-checking with myself that Logan isn't home, because he really doesn't need that right now... hell, we as a couple don't need that right now when we've just established we don't trust each other. Though of course, even though he isn't home, it'll be just as bad or even worse if he shows up mid-conversation.
But, apart from that, I have no real reason to tell him that he has to leave... and if he's crazy enough to be here, I think I owe him enough to let him. So after a moment I shrug, step back, and open the door up properly. "If you're crazy enough to want to speak to me, I can't very well turn you down."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 13, 2009 2:23:38 GMT
I glance back into the house for a moment as well, for some reason, feeling like when I did I was going to see Logan standing there or something. Luckily though, I was just being paranoid and he wasn't there... actually, hopefully he wasn't home at all.
I nodded slightly at what she says, trying to decide if I should thank her or not for a short moment. "Um.. thanks, I guess." I said, putting my hands back into my pockets and walking in when she steps back from the doorway. ".. He's not home, right?" I asked a moment later just in case and at the same time trying to remember what exactly I wanted to say to her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 13, 2009 2:26:01 GMT
"No." I shake my head. But I'll tell him that Riley was here, I remind myself so that I feel less illicit. "I dunno where he is, but not here. And you don't need to thank me, you know." Not after what I did to you. Which brings us back to the question - why are you here?
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 13, 2009 2:31:02 GMT
I nodded a little bit, "Alright." I said biting my lip for a second.
I paused again, shrugging slightly when she said I didn't have to thank her. I guess it didn't really matter.
I guessed this was maybe supposed to be the time when I say why I was here? Why was I here again? To apologize, I think. And why am I apologizing for something she did to me?
Probably because I was desperate and friendless and couldn't take it anymore.
"Um.. So, I just.. don't really like how we left things." I said after a few moments. "Last time we spoke.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 13, 2009 2:35:38 GMT
I can't suppress a sigh, though it is mostly silent. Figures that that would be it. If he tries to apologize for 'rudeness' again I might have to slap him.
"You know you don't have to forgive me," I say finally, shaking my head. It's actually simpler if you don't forgive me, and just go and happiness without involving me.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 13, 2009 2:39:03 GMT
I shrugged, "Fine, I won't forgive you then." I said shaking my head a little bit.
"But at least know that I want to?" I asked a moment later.
I sighed slightly and shrugged a little bit again, "Why shouldn't I forgive you? It's partly my fault anyway."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 13, 2009 2:47:09 GMT
And now I'm a little bit confused because that was all said in fairly quick succession but is a little contradictory. I think I may have got the gist though, so finally I shrug. "Well, if you want to, go ahead. I'm just saying you don't have to because I was in the wrong, and I don't know where you're getting that idea that it's partly your fault. What the hell?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 13, 2009 2:52:29 GMT
This wasn't going to well. I can't think now and I'm not sure that any of this was coming out right... or made much sense.
"Okay.. then consider yourself forgiven." I said shaking my head faintly. "And it's partly my fault because I knew I shouldn't have kissed you. I should've just.. lied to you or something. I let it happen." I shrugged a little bit again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 13, 2009 2:55:59 GMT
"'Let it happen'?" I repeat, arguing with him because although I would quite like to, I can't just let it go when he's being so much of an idiot. "I led you on, Riley. So for the love of all that's holy... forgive me if you want to but don't blame yourself."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 13, 2009 2:58:55 GMT
I didn't say anything for a couple moments and ran a hand through my fair with a small sigh. "I shouldn't have even come here." I said very quietly to myself before shaking my head a little bit. "I won't say that you didn't lead me on.. but I mean, you never choose me.. I should know that by now. I should know you can't leave him."
I shrugged faintly, "I'm not entirely blaming myself.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 13, 2009 3:05:29 GMT
"I didn't say entirely," I argue again, then sigh and shake my head. "Look, I'm sorry. About... everything, but also about arguing with you like this. It's just that I don't want for you to blame yourself at all, in the slightest. I gave you every reason to think I would choose you and I didn't. How you can make that remotely your fault I don't know."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 13, 2009 3:16:01 GMT
"I'm not even sure I care anymore, Arden." I said shaking my head again with a small sigh after she said she was sorry again. "We're obviously just meant to be friends, if you even want to be anymore. So please just stop apologizing.."
I paused again, now knowing I shouldn't have come here instead of just taking a guess at thinking I shouldn't.
"I'm always going to blame myself a little bit... I feel like you should know that about me by now." I said back to her, slightly wondering why she didn't already know this.
I shrugged a bit again, "I know you did.." I paused again for a short moment, "I just knew I shouldn't have trusted you though.. and I did anyway." I said, hoping that didn't sound harsh.. or mean.. or whatever else it could sound like.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 13, 2009 14:19:04 GMT
"Well, maybe I've never completely fucked things up with you and then had you blame yourself," I mutter, then sigh again. I still don't really see how being trusting is something to apologize for, or how that makes it his fault that I didn't deserve to be trusted, but.... "Look, I'm not going to argue anymore if you want me to shut up. I - " No, don't you dare say you love him. I don't care how true it is; don't say it.
"... I would kind of like us to be friends... if you really think it's a good idea," I say instead, though I don't think it is at all. But I'm not sure how to do right in this case, and I certainly don't want to do any more wrong.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 13, 2009 16:38:43 GMT
I shrugged, shaking my head faintly, "It's just because I knew that I shouldn't have let this happen again." I said a bit quietly before sighing slightly again, "Nevermind.. just know I want things to be normal again?"
She said she wasn't going to argue anymore and I looked over to her as she paused, just hoping she wasn't going to say that she loved me, because I didn't really want to hear that at this exact moment. Well, maybe unless she just meant it strictly as friends. I'm pretty sure I wasn't liking the phrase very much right now though.
She continued and I nodded faintly at what she said. "'Course I think it's a good idea." But that's coming from someone who has no other friends. Respectively, I wasn't sure it was really a good idea or not. "You're pretty much the only friend I have.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 1:14:30 GMT
"Well, maybe you should get some new ones then," I say softly, shrugging. "Not that I mind having you as a friend, but you really can't rely on just one person." Hence my reunion with Chance.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 7:03:19 GMT
I stayed quiet for a few moments, looking over to her at what she said. That probably shouldn't hurt considering, but it actually does a bit.. and it sort of makes me feel like she didn't want to be my friend at all anymore?
I shrugged, "I know.. but I just.. don't have anyone else." I didn't really think I did either. ".. You know, I even stopped by to talk to Fitzy. I think he's the closest person to a friend after you.. at least that sticks around so I actually know where they are.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 14:01:12 GMT
I grimace slightly, barely aware that they even really knew each other, so the news that he's the closest to a friend after me is kind of... I don't know.
"Well...." I pause a minute, trying to figure out how to say this. "... Riley, honestly no offense meant, but we may not always be there for each other, and you might want to try and find... someone else. That's all I'm saying."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 14:09:54 GMT
I think it's possible that that may have hurt just a bit more than when she, for lack of better words, broke up with me. There was always a little thought in my head that was telling me we weren't going to be together that way, in a relationship.. but there were never any thoughts about not being friends with her. And I know that she wasn't really saying she didn't want to be friends with me, but it sounded close enough to it for me to feel a bit more insulted than I probably should be feeling.
I obviously didn't say anything right after and I just let us sit in the silence for a bit as I tried to think of what I should say to her. I was partly torn with leaving and partly with trying to think of something to say.
I shook my head weakly. "You've always been there for me.." I said sort of quietly. "What, you want me to find you a replacement?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 14:13:02 GMT
"No, of course not," I say immediately, a bit indignant, wondering where in the hell he got that from. But maybe he just said it wrong, and he really means replacing me... in which case, yes, that's pretty much what I'm saying he should do. More or less.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 14:17:30 GMT
[[ sorry, lol, "Find you a replacement" was meant to mean, finding a replacement Arden for Riley.. ]]
".. That's what it sounded like.." I said looking up to her again. "Replacing you." I added just in case it wasn't entirely clear on her end.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 14:20:17 GMT
"... Oh." I pause a moment. "Well... yes, I misunderstood you, but... yes. That is more or less what I'm saying. I don't mean I'm necessarily going anywhere... but you can't rely on just me." Especially not when I'm so horrible to you and for you.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 14:28:36 GMT
I stared over to her, feeling quite speechless at the moment, before taking my eyes off her. "No, it sounds like you don't want anything to do with me." I said, keeping my eyes off of her now, not so positive I really felt like looking at her right now.
"Starting to seem like I can't rely on you at all." I said after a few moments. If I had half a mind, I would tell her congratulations for finally losing me as a friend, but I honestly didn't want to do that... not fully, at least.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 14:36:21 GMT
I half want to tell him that's not it at all... half want to tell him that maybe it would be best. Finally I shrug, saying quietly. "I'm no good for you. Riley. You deserve better. As a friend and otherwise, you deserve better. I'm not going to tell you I want nothing to do with you, because that isn't true... but I do want to tell you that I shouldn't be it. Because you're right, maybe you can't. Not because I want it that way but because... jesus christ, look at what I've done to you."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 14:42:27 GMT
"I'm so sick of those words." I said shaking my head a little bit. 'You deserve better'. I really am starting to think that they should be banned or something. I will let myself know when someone isn't good enough for me.. and even then I generally do not like the phrase. And actually, I was starting to think that about Arden. I listened to what she said,
".. Look at what you're still doing me." I said feeling a bit sick about this whole conversation, at this moment actually talking about the conversation itself.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 14:49:21 GMT
Dammit. There's a point, although I don't see what's so wrong with suggesting that maybe he make some more friends.
"Well, what in the hell am I supposed to do, Riley? What do you want? Because I don't want to hurt you. How do you suggest I go about that if you don't want me gone and I hurt you whenever I'm around? What do you want me to do?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 14, 2009 14:55:12 GMT
"... Why did I come over here, Arden?" I asked looking over to her. "Because I want us to be friends, becuase I'm trying to look past all this.. love-stuff." I really wasn't sure how else I could explain it. But with all of that gone then maybe it would be fine, but that apparently wasn't the case becuase now, to me, it almost seemed more like she was just trying to get rid of me.
"You don't hurt me all the time." I started, thinking I should have just left by now, "This is what's hurting me.. It's one thing to just suggest I make more friends, but it's a completely different one to say I should be replacing you."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 14, 2009 14:58:24 GMT
"Well, that's lovely," I mutter, ironing my forehead. "I can't insult myself because it hurts you? What the hell kind of... rule... is that?"
I realize I haven't really responded directly to anything that he just said... but close enough. Another good question might be, ' do you honestly expect to just "get past" the love-stuff?' but I think I'll leave that for now.
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