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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 3:09:25 GMT
I think it's even harder to go in and see him this time than it was when I thought he was dying. Then, he was just dying and I could maybe make him slightly happier. Now, I get to break his heart again because I'm a horrid, fickle bitch who had no right at all to give him hope like that. What did I say again? That there was a ninety percent chance I'd choose him? Sure, it was true at the time, but that doesn't make it entirely excusable. I should have thought twice, taken a little more time to think and talk to Logan before I did anything drastic. I knew there was a small chance, at least, that I might change my mind... but I went and kissed him anyway.
Now, I hope he hates me, because he has every right to. He's given me chance after chance, forgiven me repeatedly for messing him around, and he really, really shouldn't anymore. I hope that he hates me, refuses to accept my very sincere apology, and then goes out and finds someone else, someone better, who will treat him like he deserves.
I wish that by delaying this I wouldn't be hurting him as much, but I don't think that's the case. The sooner I can tell him I was wrong, before he can get used to the idea that we might be together, the better for everyone involved. At least... I think so anyway. So I take a deep breath and knock sharply on the door before I can chicken out.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 3:21:02 GMT
I looked up from the window I was looking at over to the door when I heard the sharp knock on it. I smiled a bit and moved my wheel chair over some, so it was facing the door a bit more. "Come on in." I called over, unsure of who it could be. Really, it could be anyone.
And I was in such a good mood, minus the pain I still had, that is, that I don't think I really cared who it was. Just as long as they weren't here to kill me, I was fine with them being here.
Actually, I haven't felt like this in a long while.
I was alive, for one, and so far there had been no sign of Arden changing her mind about us. Today was good.. and I found myself appreciating my life way more than I had been as of late. So maybe this whole incident was a good thing.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 3:26:40 GMT
I think I might chicken out anyway now that I've heard his voice, but I force myself in anyway, attempting a smile. At least... just maybe... I can delay things a little bit. Just to see how he is. But how he is seems to be happy, and I don't want to do this at all. Can't I just let him be happy for a little while longer longer? Maybe live a double life and let both of them be happy? Or do I really have to tell him the truth?
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 3:30:41 GMT
I smiled as I looked over to see Arden walking inside my room. "Hey, love." I said, as I started to roll myself a bit closer to her. I wasn't sure if that sounded weird or not. And now that I've heard it, I was pretty sure that it might have. ".. then again, maybe I should stick with Arden." I added a moment later, with a faint chuckle.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 3:35:39 GMT
I hope that it isn't as visible as I think it is, when I flinch upon hearing that, but I try to just laugh it off, sounding - to my mind - kind of nervous. "Maybe you should, yes. Bit less... strange."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 3:38:42 GMT
"Yeah.." I said with a small grin and another small laugh, this one slightly more nervous sounding than the other I think, my cheeks tinting a slight pink color that I wished would just go away. "Sorry about that. Arden it is." I nodded.
"How're you?" I asked a moment later as I smiled a bit over to her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 3:43:33 GMT
"Fine," I shrug slightly, looking at the ground. "How about you?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 3:45:37 GMT
I nodded a little bit. "I'm good." I smiled a bit, watching as she looked toward the ground. She didn't really seem fine, but I guess if she said she was, maybe she actually was? "Just sort of sore.. and a bit hurty." I shrugged faintly, "The usual."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 3:48:56 GMT
"Usual after being hit by a bus at least." I smile faintly, but briefly, and move a little closer to him. I still don't want to start, and I don't even really know where to start, so I think that I'll let him do it instead, cowardly as that may be.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 3:51:13 GMT
I smiled faintly back and gave another small nod. She moved closer to me and I was starting to think that maybe not everything was okay. She sort of looked like there was something on her mind.
".. There something on your mind?" I asked a few moments later, looking over to her with a bit of concern in my expression.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 3:54:24 GMT
"Ah... kind of," I say quietly, swallowing and biting my lip. He'll probably guess... I think anyway... and then I won't have to really say it.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 3:56:22 GMT
I frowned a little bit, moving myself a bit closer to her as I watched her closely. "... And?" I asked, shaking my head faintly. "I can't read minds, Arden." I added with a weak sort of chuckle.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 3:58:07 GMT
"Kind of wish you did, because I'd rather not say it," I say, shaking my head.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 4:00:03 GMT
I didn't say anything for a few moments and shook my head very faintly again, frowning a bit more as I looked over to her. "What's going on?" I asked again, not wanting to assume anything.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 4:04:46 GMT
"I'm an idiot," I say, not only looking down now but also closing my eyes. "I'm sorry, Riley, but I am. I shouldn't... I've messed you around again, as much as I didn't want to."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 4:08:23 GMT
I listened to what she was telling me, frowning a bit more as she continued. Once she was finished, I let my eyes drift toward the floor. So I guess it was pretty obvious now.. but I still shook my head faintly. I opened my mouth to say something, but I just shut it again, unsure of what to even say. I bit my lip and just moved my chair back some going back over to the window.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 4:11:32 GMT
"Dammit, I'm sorry," I say again, shaking my head, when he doesn't say anything. "I swear I meant everything I said, I just... I'm an idiot." And I changed my mind again.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 4:16:23 GMT
I shook my head again, rolling myself closer to the window so I could look out it again. It's amazing how fast that can bring someone down. I went from being quite happy to just.. depressed, upset... mad.. In a matter of seconds. And I still didn't know what to say.
I bit my lip again as I listened to her and stared out the window, the day all of a sudden not looking so pretty. "I knew I shouldn't have listened to you.." I said quietly, shaking my head again. I knew she was sorry, but for some reason that just wasn't computing in my mind very well. "If you meant everything you said, I don't think you'd be telling me this right now."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 4:20:17 GMT
I shake my head yet again, fighting down the urge to defend myself yet wanting to at least explain it anyway.
"I honestly thought I was splitting with him. I don't know why I didn't. And you have every right to be furious with me, but I just want you to know that I didn't outright lie to you."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 4:23:59 GMT
I finally take my eyes off the window and look over to her. ".. The way.." I paused again, trying to gather my thoughts. "The way you sounded.. I thought you were actually going to stay with me."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 4:37:32 GMT
"I was... I really was." I shake my head again, feeling awful about this. "I thought that I was going to, I honestly thought I was, but then it just... got messed up."
Logan argued, basically. I didn't think he would but then it threw me off.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 4:42:04 GMT
I didn't say anything or a couple more moments and I shook my head faintly again. 'Messed up', that was the story of us.. whatever 'us' was, anyway.
"You haven't even given me a proper chance." I said, shaking my head once more as I looked over to her, getting a bit more upset by the moment. "You're still the same relationship you were in before Arden and he's going to keep hurting you. I thought you wanted out of that relationship."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 14:01:55 GMT
"I did, but I wasn't giving him a chance, either," I say, shaking my head. "Riley, you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't need a chance. I'm not trying to say that you blew it somehow, just that I'm an idiot who got too far ahead of herself."
And this will be it, I think, with Logan, but now if we fall apart there won't be anyone there after. I don't care if he'd be willing to forgive me, there's no way I would let him.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 16:13:18 GMT
"You've given him more than enough of a chance." I said shaking my head. I knew I was probably being ridiculous about this, but I mean, really? How many times has this happened to me now?
"And I'm not saying I did something though, Arden. You keep.." I paused again, trying to find the right words for what I wanted to say. "You don't even give me enough time to actually do something wrong to need a chance." That's what I really meant by giving me a chance. This was the closest we ever were to being together and it was only for what? A day or so?
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 21:20:17 GMT
I think I see what he's saying, but I'm not sure I can explain my side of things in return.
"I know, but it's not... it never has anything to do with you at all. It's not like I'm trying to decide who I'd rather be with but I keep on forgetting to let you have your say."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 21:25:36 GMT
I shrugged faintly, having to think about what I could possibly say back to that. I wasn't necessarily saying that it had something to do with me, but just that, her relationship with Logan has had many attempts and, well, it hasn't been going very good.
".. What do you mean you're forgetting to let me have my say?" I asked a few moments later, not sure what exactly she meant.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 6, 2009 21:29:06 GMT
"No, I said it's not like that," I say, shaking my head, and trying to think of some way to say this that isn't completely awful... but then, maybe there isn't one. "All I mean is that... I don't know."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 6, 2009 21:33:05 GMT
I replayed what she said again and just shook my head a bit. ".. sorry." I said, "I didn't hear that right." I added before going quiet again.
I looked over to her again, shaking my head faintly, "It doesn't matter, you want him." I said sort of quietly, before looking away again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 7, 2009 1:13:26 GMT
I guess I can't argue with that, so I shrug slightly. "I'm so, so sorry. I should have made sure it was 100 percent before I went and kissed you. That was inexcusable."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 7, 2009 1:16:56 GMT
I shrugged very faintly, getting a bit more quiet as I sat there. "You told me it was ninety." I said frowning a bit, paying more attention to the zipper on my hoodie than anything else right now. "I didn't stop you."
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