once (Logan)

[Arden Patricks]

I cut out the article without really thinking, and have been sitting here staring at it for quite a while now. I wish I could continue not thinking as I do this, but… no such luck. Instead, I’m thinking too much.

Natasha Lee Goldman, 33… apparently on her way back from a date… covered in blood….
The subtext seems to say that she was a whore but the writer of the article is trying to be circumspect about it. Which does make me feel slightly better, somehow, but not by very much and it just reminds me of Lacey and the fact that if I don’t do something about this, it could very well be someone I know next time, or someone whose death makes me feel worse because in a way I’ll have helped kill them. I’m letting a murderer stay in my house, and I don’t know where he is right now. So whoever he kills next will be partly my fault.

I get up from the table without really thinking, leaving the article behind while I head to my room on autopilot. A part of me knows why, of course, though I’m trying not to acknowledge it. Trying to act as if I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s just automatic. It is automatic right now, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t put thought into this.

I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s for the best, for the good of other people… but really, I’m just a coward. For the good of other people would be killing him, not myself. I’m only doing this because I can’t do the first and I can’t deal with the consequences otherwise.

I’ve tried to remember what I did the other times… I think this will now be my fourth. Fifth, if you count not eating after Travis died, but that was rather passive so I’m not sure it does count.

The first time, I tried magic but I didn’t really mean it.
The second, I leaned off the ledge of the astronomy tower but was only too willing, really, to let Logan pull me back.
And the third, I bought a muggle gun that didn’t even work.
Clearly, I’m not very good at this, but it only takes once, after all.

((I haven't figured out yet how she's going to, so... go ahead and reply I guess, but don't come home yet. *shrug*))

[Logan Andrews]

I'm getting worse.
She was right, I was right...whoever first decided that I was going to get steadily worse was right when they decided it.
I've been circling around streets near Arden's house for the past couple of hours, selecting victims and following them until I force myself to stop and slink back until I manage to lose them.
Then I berate myself for losing them and select someone else, and do it all over again.

It's not a very healthy use of time, and sooner or later I'm not going to be able to hold off and I'll just...I'll just do it again, but so far...I haven't.
Not yet. I'm behaving at the moment. Sort of.

I can't do this. I can't do this again.
No more torturing, no more killing...I should just go back to Arden's and mope around there instead, waiting for her to suggest that we get me killed now before I can get worse.
I can't do that either. I'm not ready yet. No.

So I don't think I will go back just yet...I think that I will wander around, tempting myself and then pulling back at the last minute until I snap and just...just end up doing it anyway.
What a fucked up way to spend the day.
But it beats...it beats whatever else I would do, sit around being silent, have a lovely bleak conversation with Arden...
No, it doesn't beat that.

Fuck.
I think I'm getting dangerously repetitive and circular and rambly in my thoughts here...a sure sign I'm close to going a bit wrong.
I can't help but get strangely talkative when I'm slipping into this frame of mind.
Not a good sign.

So it's time to go back...no matter what's going to happen when I'm actually there...it's time to go back. Home, or whatever it is to me.
I ignore the vaguely surprised look that I get from the woman who's been hanging around at the mouth of the alley I've been hiding in as I walk past her into the daylight, wondering if she actually knows how lucky she is or not. Probably not.
You're lucky...damn lucky...you could have been the one I lost it with...
I think this very hard in her direction without turning back to look at her, starting to head idly in the direction I know is 'home'.
About time, I suppose.

(meh rightio... )

[Arden Patricks]

It took me a while to figure out how I want to do this, but for some reason the thought of suffocation was strangely appealing. I wish I had a car so I could do the whole blocked-tailpipe trick, but I'm not really sure how it works and I would probably muddle it up.

But then I remembered a scene in some mafia movie that Lilith had on one night when she was waiting up for Leo and wanted my company. I always get strangely transfixed when watching muggle television, almost hypnotized, so I think I saw more of it than she did and really was not a very good distraction... but now it's come in handy.

My hands are shaking slightly as I wind the duct tape around my own neck, around the plastic bag already in place, and for the first time in all this I let myself cry, because I'm being weak and pathetic now so there's no sense being stoic.

It occurs to me very belatedly, as I think I'm about to lose consciousness, that I think I heard the door open a second or two ago. Oh well. Had to happen sooner or later. And I'm sorry. I'm a coward. There's no other reason, but fuck it, I give up.

((Oh, christ that was difficult to write. *shivers*))

[Logan Andrews]

I'm ridiculously proud of myself for managing to make it all the way back without killing anyone or anything.
It's ridiculous, of course, because I'm sure most people manage to walk various distances without killing things, and also because I really wasn't that far away in the first place so it can't have been that difficult.
I suppose...I'm just going to take what I can get, while I can get it. I'm going to enjoy the decided lack of violence while I still can, maybe get in a few hours of peace at some point even.

I'm not sure what sort of peace that will be...just sitting in silence most likely.
I'm still sort of thinking vaguely about this when I shut the door, but I get distracted pretty quickly by the article on the table.
Ah...back for another crack, Natasha?
I turn it over so the text is facing down, but it still sort of bothers me. I half make to pick it up again, so I can throw it away, before I stop and actually wonder why it might be there. Obviously Arden's doing as I can't think who else would have come into her house and cut out a newspaper article. But I don't know why she did it, and...actually, where is she?

I don't know where the prickle of...well, I suppose it's dread. But I don't know where it came from or why it's there. Just because there's an article on the table about the woman I killed and Arden is nowhere in sight does not logically mean that...something is wrong.
But...something is wrong.

So I walk pretty fast through the house and I'm very glad that I didn't stop to think for any longer than I did when I push open her bedroom door and...
I guess this must be sort of how it was for her to walk in on me washing the blood off, but I think that this is maybe worse. Much worse. A whole lot worse.
And mentally, I'm standing in the doorway and staring at her while I fail to comprehend. Physically however, I'm not quite that stupid and it's more of an instinctual thing to rush over and rip as fiercely as possible at the plastic bag.

And then it's sort of a panic I suppose.
Something very close to a panic, at the very least, because I don't quite think my brain has entirely caught up with me yet.
At least I've split the plastic and I can see her face properly and why the hell is she doing this? Why is she crying while she tries to suffocate herself?
And now I'm trying to rip off the tape with one hand while not hurting her - harder than it sounds - and simultaneously trying to gage how conscious she is with the other.
"Hey, hey, Arden...come on...don't..." I murmur, pushing the plastic away from her face and sort of lightly shaking her as if this is going to mean that she's completely able to reply.
Any reply would be good. Anything at all.

I'm dreading the point where my mind catches up and I stop running on autopilot here. But for now...for now, it's just important that she responds somehow, because if not I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

(and also a tad disturbing...also hard to write the reply.)

[Arden Patricks]

It takes me... well, honestly I don't know how long... to come back to consciousness, and when I do I'm just confused. What the hell?

It doesn't really help that I feel like I'm coughing on air, like I was choking. But Logan is here, so I guess that makes sense. But this time I don't think that it's his fault, so this time I'm not going to apologize to him. This time I'm pretty sure it's my fault, my decision, so therefore what I think I'd like to say is 'fuck you.' Because now I'm catching up and I'm pretty sure that I was trying to kill myself, and for once I was actually good at it and he doesn't have any right to come along and fuck it up.

I feel kind of ill though, and lightheaded, so I think I'll say that in a moment.

((Disturbing... fuck yes. Never really tried to write one of these when I wasn't feeling that way, I don't think.))

[Logan Andrews]

I feel kind of like laughing when she seems to be...with it again.
I'm sure I won't when I do start catching up properly and the whole severity of what the hell is going on here starts to really sink in.
Right now though...right now is good because she's definitely conscious and...I won't have to think about what I'd do if she wasn't anymore, because I don't really want to think about that.

"Alright?"
Stupid question. No she isn't.
But that's priority one. Priority two is probably being just a little bit pissed off. Priority three...more concern maybe. I'll work it out when we get there. If we get there.
Of course, she has to be alright first.
I don't think I'm going to allow for the truth that she's obviously not alright if she's trying so asphyxiate, and that she probably didn't want my help either, because...ah, just because.

(meh...yeah...downer.)

[Arden Patricks]

I cough one last time, more in disbelief than anything else because I think I am breathing clearly now. And it's kind of nice, in that 'wow I never realized how lovely this feels, physically, to breathe' way. I'm still kind of pissed that I am, because it will just be harder next time and maybe I'll fuck it up.

"Fuck you," I mutter, shaking my head and rolling away from him because I think it's too much effort to move any other way. "You're not supposed to... do that."

[Logan Andrews]

I snort slightly, derisively.
I suppose I did sort of expect that.
But still, for the moment, I am still triumphant in a 'fuck you too' sort of way because she's still alive, even if she might not want to be, and she easily could have not been.
Really easily, actually. If I hadn't of come home when I did, if I'd not gone looking for her. I could have just shrugged off her absence and then she would have died and I wouldn't have noticed for hours maybe...
I shudder briefly, and am quite glad that she's already rolled away so she probably didn't see.

"What the hell were you thinking?"
I don't sound quite as angry as I think that maybe I am, actually sort of exasperated...almost disappointed.
And I don't like her being all pathetic like that either, just lying there coughing like that even though I think she's stopped now. It's probably not good for her, so I ease my arm round her back and tug her gently upright.

[Arden Patricks]

"Stop it," I mutter, but use his help to sit up properly anyway and promptly put my head in my hands.
"I was thinking that I may as well do it now, before there's any more blood on my conscience, rather than later when I'm going to anyway," I say calmly. Because this is all hopeless, in case you hadn't noticed, and I don't want to lose you and... it's all a mess. So this made sense but now you've fucked it up.

[Logan Andrews]

"That's bullshit."
Maybe it's not...but I killed that woman, me. It's on my conscience not hers.
But that's probably not why I'm annoyed...I think it's more along the lines that I don't want her to be dead and she shouldn't want that to happen either.
And I care and I wish I didn't...and fuck, she just tried to kill herself and...fuck.

[Arden Patricks]

"Which bit?" I ask, shrugging... mostly just to say something, to keep up the banter because if I don't I might start to think of how I'd feel if it was him that did this, and then start to think maybe that's how he feels.

But if he did this I know, deep down, I'd also be relieved on top of or underneath the heart-just-got-ripped-out feeling. And if he did this, and I walked in and he wasn't dead yet I'd probably stand back and watch, or at least stand back and cry a lot, because it would be for the best, as much as it hurt.
And besides... he isn't fully human, right? So why should he feel like I would?

[Logan Andrews]

"All of it. The whole thing."
I think that whatever was successfully keeping this from registering just caved in, because...because...it really hurts.
I'm surprised by just how much it does. I feel very sick indeed just thinking about how close this came to - well how close I came to losing her - and that...I don't know.
I can't even make it make sense or really put my finger on exactly what it feels like.
Just...just bad. And it's worse that it's my fault. If I hadn't of lost it and went and killed some girl then this wouldn't have happened. Or would it have, eventually? Just my presence here would probably be enough eventually.
And I think I would leave right now and not come back if I wasn't just understandably hesitant about leaving her on her own, but I can't just sit next to her either. As if close proximity is going to start her withering and dying.
So I get up fairly quickly, moving briskly to the other side of the room and away. Just away.

[Arden Patricks]

I just shake my head, because I really can't remember all of what I said but I know it wasn't bullshit so... well there you go.

"Where the hell were you, anyway?"
And this is a very disjointed thing to ask, I think. I'm not really sure. It just kind of flew out of my mouth, about a second before I really register that he's moved across the room and I don't like that and I wish he hadn't. But I wish that he hadn't stopped me in the first place, so... I don't know. He can't just do both though, stop me and then move away.

[Logan Andrews]

"What the fuck does it matter?" I snap.
Huh...maybe I am angry then, rather than just exasperated, rather than just pained.
But not normal anger...I guess. Normal anger is generally accompanied by bloodlust, or at least that's how it is for me. But not right now.
And fuck.
"Don't you ever do this again, don't you-..." I stop and shake my head, because I can't form the rest of the sentence...whatever the rest of the sentence would even be.

[Arden Patricks]

"And why the hell shouldn't I?" I ask, shaking my head, not bothering to respond to his question because it really doesn't... I don't think. Unless of course he killed someone again and then he really shouldn't just turn around and stop me from dying.

[Logan Andrews]

"What kind of a question is that?"
She shouldn't because she's a good person, because she has a network of friends and family who would probably be a bit adverse to the idea of her killing herself, because she's got no good reason apart from what I've done. Because I love her, obviously, and I don't particularly want her to die.
So...there, there are a few reasons for one. The last being the most important, obviously, but none of them being readily available for me to turn into coherent sentences.

[Arden Patricks]

"It's the kind of question you ask when someone gives you an ultimatum like that, to see if they actually have reasoning behind it or if it's just...." I shake my head. "And apparently you don't, so there you go. You should've just left me alone." Like I would've if you did. Like you're sort of doing now, being all the way over there.
Christ, it's all mixed up.

[Logan Andrews]

"Of course I have reasoning behind it," I mutter, "You're just being..." Ah, can't find the word.
Vaguely antagonistic? Or is that just because I'm angry at her?
Because it's very normal to be just a little bit pissed off when the person you love tries to top themselves. Because for once, I think I'm reacting like a normal person.
"I wasn't just going to leave you alone," I mutter again, mostly under my breath, "I love you. Can't have you dying on me like that."
Can't have you dying because of me, more like. I wish I'd stayed away. I should never have come here, should have let her think I'd died in Azkaban. Or at least I should have done what I said, left when I said I would, never even kissed her to start with.

[Arden Patricks]

"I would leave you alone," I mutter, also half under my breath. I don't know if I'm trying to piss him off or what... he seems kind of angry as it is. Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel worse because he's just said he loves me and I guess he isn't inhuman. But I really just wish he was here, instead of across the room like that, so... yes, that's logical. So I give him a verbal slap in the face, more or less.

[Logan Andrews]

I flinch, because that actually hurt as well.
I mean...yeah, I'd probably deserve it. It'd probably be better for everyone concerned if she did...but, I didn't want to hear her say that.
"That...was below the belt," I mutter.

[Arden Patricks]

I wince as well, shaking my head. "I now, I'm sorry. I didn't -" Well, I did mean it, really. It wasn't a lie. But I just didn't mean for it to hurt? How in the hell does something like that not hurt?
"I'm sorry," I say again, closing my eyes and putting my forehead in my hands again. "I love you, I do, it just... I couldn't take it. And you stopped me. And I didn't want you to stop me because I'm stuck back where I started now, and... well, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean I'd prefer it that way."

[Logan Andrews]

I shake my head at her apology, because I don't really want it anyway.
"Arden, you-..." don't try and kill yourself just because I killed some woman.
I guess I'm just better at handling the guilt by now...I'd certainly hope so at least. I guess she's not used to being an accessory to murder.
Fuck, I wish there was a solution here. There's not anything I can suggest that we haven't been over already.
"Fuck. Look, if...if you'll feel better about this, I'll go turn myself in. If that's going to mean you can 'take it' or whatever, I'll do it. Okay?"
Damn, where did that come from?
I'm not sure if I would or not, actually...but I'm fairly sure I'd just disappear if need be. That's nearly the same thing...well, it's not. Not really, at all.
I don't really care. I suppose I'm just clutching at straws now, to ensure somehow that this doesn't happen again, because it hurt far too much to be allowed.

[Arden Patricks]

My head snaps up at that, because that's insane. Not insane the way he has been, but insane... in the other way, the one where you yell at people for doing things that you don't like.
"As if that will bloody help? That's the damn problem. I'll be doing this anyway once you do get caught, or once I turn you in or kill you, so why the hell not now?"
Of course, logically, I should have just stayed silent, shrugged and turned away or something so then maybe he would. If he even meant it. But I'm too afraid he did, to take that chance. God I'm an idiot.

[Logan Andrews]

"If you'll stop feeling like you've got blood on your fucking conscience," I mutter to the first part of what she said before I start tracking completely and decipher the rest of what she said.
"No you won't be doing this anyway! Why the fuck would you say that?"
It's really inevitable that this can't last, that at some point in the near future I will get caught or killed or something...and that doesn't mean she can do this, because that really is ridiculous.
"You're absurd."

[Arden Patricks]

"I told you, I can't take it," I shrug, looking down at the carpet. "I'm a selfish idiot coward but there you go. There's no point in anything now, because it's all inevitable."
And I probably am absurd. This is stupid. But I've really never had much of a purpose, nothing to stick around for, so if I'm miserable why bother?

[Logan Andrews]

And...now, really, what the hell am I supposed to say to that?
So I just content with muttering, "For fuck's sake," under my breath rather than saying something sensible.

[Arden Patricks]

I look away, not responding because that really wasn't anything to respond to. And now... I don't know, everything's screwy and now that I don't have to argue with him the apathy's returning full-force and I really do wish he'd just left me there, more so than when I was arguing for it because at least then I had a temporary purpose. Now what?

[Logan Andrews]

I think maybe it's alright not to have to stand on the other side of the room anymore, because she's just being stubborn and dramatic and foolish and maybe it wasn't entirely my fault and my mere presence won't kill her after all.
So I cross the room after a moment's hesitation, sitting back down next to her and remaining silent for a moment.
I sort of intended to say something, but I really don't know what it was or even if it was important.

[Arden Patricks]

"Oh. Now you come back here," I mutter, glancing at him. "I thought I was diseased."

[Logan Andrews]

"Sorry," I shrug slightly.
I hadn't realising being over there was offending her. Probably should have figured that out.