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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 15:34:39 GMT
I shake my head then, because he doesn't need to apologize and in that case I guess I don't know why I said it. No... I guess I was hoping he'd give some explanation.
"So why the hell were you all the way over there?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 15:38:14 GMT
I shrug again, because it sounds stupid.
"I didn't want...to hurt you or anything."
That probably sounds like something to do with temper problems or something, but surprisingly it's not. More that I abruptly came to the conclusion that sitting in close proximity to her would lead to her withering and dying, because I seem to be having an adverse affect on her health.
It made perfect sense at the time, I know that much.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 15:44:22 GMT
I frown slightly, because that seems... kind of odd. I can usually tell, I think, when he's on the verge of snapping even if I just ignore it anyway, so I don't think of that.
"What, you think I'm going to break apart if you touch me or something?" I ask, wishing he would. I'm not going to ask him to, because that's stupid, but I really just wish he would touch me like a normal person would in this situation. You don't stop someone killing themselves and then act like they're diseased or not completely there. Kind of defeats the purpose.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 15:49:18 GMT
"Something like that," I mutter.
I don't think I'm going to go into any more detail than that though. That's quite enough of an explanation.
I think I've got a headache now anyway, so I don't think there'll be anymore thinking about anything remotely confusing.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 15:52:44 GMT
"Right, that makes sense," I mutter under my breath, looking away.
I hate this. I really just wish he hadn't stopped me.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 15:55:06 GMT
"Please...don't try this again," I mutter after a moment, hesitantly reaching for her hand, because if she thinks that I think she's diseased or something she's less likely to listen to me. Not that she'll likely listen to me anyway, but...I don't know.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 15:58:09 GMT
I glance at him briefly, then look away and shake my head. I can't promise anything, I can't say I won't, so it's probably best to keep silent. I do take his hand though, grateful for that though it isn't enough.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 16:03:58 GMT
"Arden," I mutter, "Don't try this again."
No 'please' that time, more of a demand than a request, although that was really quite involuntary.
Laughable of course, because I couldn't do anything to make sure she did comply.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 16:06:52 GMT
"Or what?" I ask, more to point out that that's a stupid thing to say than as a real challenge. Because, honestly, you can't... give an order without a threat to back it up.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 16:09:45 GMT
"Just don't."
I'm really not making much of an argument here, but I can't think.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 16:11:55 GMT
"Empty threat," I shrug. "Empty order. Whatever it is. I may as well tell you not... not to lose your mind again."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 16:16:43 GMT
"That's different, it's involuntary," I mutter, "Why are you being so difficult? Just don't...don't die, for fuck's sake."
I really wish I could piece together something sound and concrete to say instead of just repeatedly telling her not to kill herself.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 16:19:19 GMT
"It's the same in that there's nothing I can do to try and stop you." I shrug slightly, shaking my head. "I hate this, I can't do this, and there's no real purpose in me being around. Never has been."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 16:27:07 GMT
"You're just being pathetic now," I shake my head.
Probably not the most tactful thing to say, but probably true...or I just really don't have enough patience to deal with being on a suicide watch.
"I don't know what to say to you, okay? I'm no good at this. I can't make you want to stay, and that is really incredibly frustrating so...I don't know. Please, stop."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 16:32:04 GMT
Something about that strikes me as funny, so I laugh very slightly while shaking my head. "I'm always pathetic, remember? And I'm sorry. I really am... and I'll shut up now."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 16:34:22 GMT
I glance at her incredulously as she laughs, because nothing about anything is striking me as particularly amusing at the moment.
"You're not always pathetic...but, yes, shut up now. For the moment."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 16:42:38 GMT
I shake my head, wanting to argue, but then shake it again and nod. Fine, I'll shut up then.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 16:45:07 GMT
I didn't quite mean for her to shut up completely, but then again...I don't know what I really meant.
So I just shrug slightly at nothing in particular.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 16:52:03 GMT
In hindsight... not that it's been that long, obviously, but now that I'm not trying so hard to argue my case... this probably was a stupid thing to do. I don't have any logic to back up that conclusion, of course, but... I don't know. It feels stupid. Embarrassing, maybe. Always did, if I recall right, even though that's possibly a really strange reaction to getting caught attempting suicide.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 16:58:48 GMT
"Are you alright?"
I don't know what made me ask that. Stupid question again, but I meant physically rather than mentally. Also in a 'can I do anything?' sort of way, rather than whether or not she's completely out of her mind, because it appears she actually is completely out of her mind and we're not talking about that.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 17:08:09 GMT
I look over at him then and raise my eyebrows, in an automatic 'what a stupid question' way. Then I shrug. "Yeah, I'm... fine, relatively." I don't feel as if I did any permanent damage, physically, and I'm not trying to go off and try something again so I suppose that could be considered an improvement on the mental front. And really it just doesn't matter.
"Are you?" I ask then, because it seems like he really is human, and if so then I've been there and it's awful, watching someone you love trying to argue that they should leave you. And I'm sure my comment about letting him die didn't help matters.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 17:11:43 GMT
"I'm fine," I shrug.
Slightly better for her answer of course. And also I have a very strange feeling that something might be missing somewhere...but I guess that's just the potential loss or something, taking it's own sweet time before it disappears.
So we're both fine. Great.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 17:14:29 GMT
"Sure?" I ask, because that was ingrained years ago as an automatic followup question whenever someone says 'fine' as a reply to 'how are you?' A good sixty percent of the time they're not really fine.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 17:16:08 GMT
I glance at her with a brief frown, shrugging, "Yes, I'm sure. Are you?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 17:20:40 GMT
Now there's a good question. I shrug again, thinking about it. "As sure as I can be."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 17:22:26 GMT
"I suppose that'll do," I mutter reluctantly.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 17:26:12 GMT
I nod, staying silent... until, in the silence, it suddenly sinks in that I just tried to kill myself. Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with me?
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 17:28:47 GMT
I wonder how long we're going to sit here. I'm starting to feel a bit restless, but I don't really want to risk leaving her on her own, or even getting up or letting go of her hand because that seemed to upset her last time.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 17:32:07 GMT
"So where the hell were you, anyway?" I ask after a moment, not quite ready to be completely okay until I get an answer. I think I remember asking this previously, but I don't remember getting an answer.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 17:37:38 GMT
"Out. For a walk."
It still doesn't seem particularly important where I actually was, but she's asked twice now so I might as well just answer.
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