nerves (open)

[Fitzy Patricks]

It’s very nerve-wracking, bringing my small daughter down the street like this. I wish that I could just leave her home, but she kind of has to be with. That’s the whole point of this little trip – to drop off my daughter with her half-insane crackwhore of a mother on the pretense that she’ll be better off – at least for now. Maybe I can get her back later, as odd as it is to want to. But right now, my Dark Mark’s burning like it hasn’t for nearly eight years, and absolutely anywhere is better than with me.

My nerves have been stretched to the breaking point for weeks now, ever since the morning I got up to find the Mark formed in blood on my front door, and subsequently noticed the Mark coming back on my arm as well. I’ve been keeping an eye on the news ever since then, looking for strange disappearances or… something. I’ve been jumping half out of my skin at small noises even more than usual, and leaving the ‘safety’ of the house even less. Mainly, I suppose, I’ve been trying to ignore it. Hoping it’s not true. The war just can’t be starting up again. He can’t be back.

But there’s only so long I can manage to stay self-deluded, and I’ve finally decided that I can’t ignore it all any longer. Clearly something’s happening, and if I want to find out what I’m going to have to listen to the insistent, strident call of the mark on my arm, following it to whatever gathering it indicates.

Or, if I want to take the smart route and assume that whatever is happening is bad – whether someone’s been captured and the Ministry has figured out a way to get the rest of us using the Marks (unlikely, but I’ve thought of it) or He really is back, or it’s just somebody else… Heightington or Andrews or one of the other more ambitious and psychotic ones… forming his or her very own little army… I don’t know. I really don’t know what it is, what’s been going on. But instead of finding out, I’ve decided to just disappear. I refuse to get caught up in that again.

And I know that if he is back, he’ll not be too pleased with anybody who ignores him and flees, like I’m planning to. If it’s just someone else, some subordinate copycat… I don’t know. But he or she might have similar reactions, and it’s probably best to assume so. It also is best, I believe, to assume that I’ll probably get caught, because I’m really not as brilliant as I often like to think. I’m only just smart enough to know that if I am pretty likely to get caught, then Melody is better off with anybody else… even Lacey.

I just wish that she wasn’t half-insane in such a way that she finds it amusing to lurk on the border between Knockturn and Diagon Alleys. If there’s one place in the world that makes me more nervous than any other… I think it’s a tie between the two.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Slowly I walked through the streets of Diagon alley. There wasn't much to do today, no mission to go kill an unloyal deatheater, nothing. Just boredom. Doesn't mean you can't find something to do. Go out into the muggle world or something. I just wasn't there yet, close, but not close enough. I was only in Diagon Alley, sadly, though it wasn't much farther and I'd be able to do something to a silly muggle. And yet you used to love muggles. Just the fact that your family never did rubbed off a bit.

I could feel my mark burn now, but I didn't want to go see why it was. Sometimes it was just to call the other deatheaters who hadn't yet come, sometimes it was something important, we just never knew until we got there. This time it probably was for everyone, maybe a mission or something.

As I was about to apparate out my eye caught a familiar face and I could only smirk slightly, not because of anything to do with the dark mark and being fellow death eaters, but rather because I hadn't seen this person in a long while. So to catch up I lengthen my strides slightly and speed up some before coming behind the person and before anything, I causually wrapped my arm around his waist and appeared at his side. "Hello Fitzy." I said with a smile towards him, seeing his daughter was with him and I raised an eyebrow slightly. "Long time no see, wouldn't you say?"
Which brings up the question, why haven't you answered the mark?

[Fitzy Patricks]

Hesitating slightly at the corner of a building, unsure which way to go, I naturally jump half out of my skin again at hearing someone address me, and turn to see… Riyann.

Haven’t seen you in a while, I think, simultaneous with her own comment in that regard. I don’t believe I’ve seen her, in fact, since school... sometime before I betrayed her and decided to go off and pretend to be a muggle. Or have I seen her since then? I really don’t remember.

“Been a fair while, yes,” I say slowly… suddenly remembering that yes, I did betray her. Because she was – is? – a deatheater. My grip on Melody tightens subconsciously, and I really wish I’d left her home. Or given her to somebody else. Lilith, maybe, or Meredith. Why in the hell did I decide that if Arden still refuses to show up, it has to be Melody’s mother that I abandon her with? Why not a total stranger, for that matter?

“So… what brings you here?” At this time of day. Because naturally, of course, I have to go looking for Lacey on the borderline between Diagon and Knockturn late in the evening, rather than a sensible time like morning or afternoon. She’s easier to find in the evening/nighttime, but still.

(( ;D Have some raisinets then.))

[Riyann Servansikk]

He was silent, and startled by the fact that I appeared nearly out of nowhere which only made me smirk slightly, it really was enjoyable to see this happen, I don't ever remember scaring Fitzy quite like that, maybe I should've done that much sooner. My dislike for Fitzy had grown slightly the first year after he'd gone and turned me in, and then it stayed as it was, because I couldn't really get any madder at him as I had still been alive, but that didn't mean I couldn't hold a grudge. It was him that made me go into hiding because I had been pregnant.

"Since when would you say? Actually it probably was right around here? Remember that? You were scared out of your mind." I said with a slight laugh, now remembering that it wasn't that far from where we were now that I had last seen him, that he had told me I had better run before the deatheater he was in contact with showed up and killed me himself.

Hearing his next question I shrugged a little, dropping my arm to my side now with a small grin. "Nearly dying of boredom, was just on my way to muggle London, have a bit of fun you know." I said with a small smirk, nudging his arm slightly, secretly hoping I could make him even more uneasy. "Then I saw you. Barely recognized you though." I said with a small nod and a slight roll of the eyes. "What about you? Haven't seen you at any of the meetings at all, or have you been hiding in the corner?" Corner of what exactly.

[[Lol, okay! Gives you a cookie? ]]

[Fitzy Patricks]

((Thankies. ))

That's right.... I remember slowly. I guess I did run into her at some point after I betrayed her... but I really don't remember much detail, and what she says next takes precedence because it seems to prove that my nervousness was perfectly well-founded.

"I've... had better things to do," I shrug, glancing up and down the street rather than meeting her eyes, and backing away slightly so that we're not standing so close now. "Why? Haven't you?" I finish, finally looking at her. Riyann was an Order member, or I couldn't have betrayed her. She's the wife of one of Arden's best friends. But she goes to "muggle London" to "have a bit of fun"? Sounds a bit deatheaterish to me.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Right, better things to do. Better things that include what exactly? I shrugged a little at that, noticing that he had shrugged just after speaking as well. "Such as what?" I asked, rasing a slight eyebrow. "Really doubt that'll matter, some one might not take a liking to you passing on the meetings and such." I said as if it meant nothing.
"Me?" I raised a slight eyebrow. "Nope, been going." Shrugging a little I turned towards him and locked my eyes with him as I smirked slightly. "Why? Checking up on me now, not going to turn me again are you?" I asked and laughed softly at the thought, shaking my head a little bit.

[Fitzy Patricks]

Oh, I don't know. Better things to do such as being the decent person that I wasn't as a teenager? What's your excuse?

"Better things to do," I shrug again, shifting Melody and feeling briefly grateful that she hasn't woken up. "But obviously I couldn't betray you to the Death Eaters this time around... and I'm hardly about to go down to the Ministry and turn people in... not with this thing still on my arm."

Actually... now that she's mentioned it, that isn't half-bad an idea.
If I think that I'm likely to get caught by my fellows , maybe then I'll go to the Ministry, when it isn't so bad to be risking Azkaban.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"Right, sorry. Forgotten that you're so much better now." I said with a small sigh before laughing a little in slight disbelief. "That's alright though, don't need you to be betraying anyone else." I smiled slightly towards him, and then to his daughter who was still asleep. "I'm sure you could, only who would they rather believe, right?" I asked, shrugging a bit. "Right, buy your own freedom but taking others. They probably would laugh in your face and throw you away." I said softly, shaking my head, wondering if he was starting to think that would be a better choice than the death eaters coming after him. I'd probably go a different way.

[Fitzy Patricks]

"So we're agreed then. I'm not going to betray anybody." I shrug, wondering how likely it is that she'll drop it now. When did you become even worse of a person than I am?
"Now, if you'll excuse me... I have a daughter to abandon."
I'd like to start walking away now, but am a little reluctant to turn my back, so instead I just circle around a bit, still facing her.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"No, just saying it would be incredibly stupid of you this time around." I said, shrugging a bit too. "Still quite possible of you, though." I said, smirking slightly towards him, wondering if he was going to be offended and get after me for implying that he was stupid.
"I'll watch her for you." I said with a small smile towards him and then a slightly bigger one towards his daughter. "Haven't seen much of my kids lately, would be nice to have a bit of company."

[Fitzy Patricks]

Like it wasn't incredibly stupid the first time around? I think but don't bother saying, too busy laughing incredulously at her next words. "Thanks, but no thanks. If your own idiot husband doesn't trust you with your kids, why in the hell would I trust you with mine?
I'm not really certain where the insult against Riley has just come from, but the point remains. I really can't imagine how she might think I'm idiot enough to hand my daughter over to a deatheater who seems to enjoy being one and who I once betrayed.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I had been walking with him, even after he'd started away, though he was facing me and I narrowed my eyes slightly at his comment. "That is nothing about why I never see them." I hissed, wanting to slap him now, maybe even just kill him.
Relaxing slightly I shut my eyes for nothing but a moment and just smiled slightly now that I opened them again. Before I had shut my eyes I looked like I was about to murder him, and now I looked the opposite.

[Fitzy Patricks]

I eye her warily while she's looking murderous, but then just frown when her expression.
Oh, sorry. My mistake. I guess it's not so much that you're evil as insane.
"The point still stands, thanks. I'd really prefer you weren't anywhere near her."

[Riyann Servansikk]

I simply raised an eyebrow. "Why, don't trust me Fitzy?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, shaking my head slightly. "That hurts, you know." I said softly, letting a small sigh pass my lips.
Looking at him, I shrugged slightly. "So you really don't want to come back as a death eater?" I asked, raising a slight eyebrow again. "It's really not that bad this time, and besides you'd just have to deal with the mark burning all the time if you don't." My voice carried on and I shook my head slightly as I finished speaking.

[Fitzy Patricks]

I don't really feel a need to reply, especially to what is surely a rhetorical question - No, of course I don't trust you, any more than I'm sure you trust me. - and would really prefer to just cut this meeting short and get on with what I'm doing... but the last thing she says stops me short as I start sidling away again.
"'Really not that bad this time'?" I repeat derisively. "What, do you all get together and talk about politics or something? Seems to me that you ought to change the name if we're no longer 'eating death,' but it also seems to me that's unlikely."
I will not be a killer or a coward anymore. I don't care if it hurts.

[Riyann Servansikk]

He hadn't answered my first question, which was really was okay, but he had started walking away and I raised an eyebrow again, but what I had said next had stopped him short and my lips curled upwards into a smile.
"Who said politics were very interesting, we skipped right over that." I said with a small laugh. "And it doesn't matter Zee, you're still a death eater, and you'll come back, or you'll regret it." I said narrowing my eyes slightly, wondering if he noticed earlier that I had my wand in my hand, or if he noticed that the grip had tightened slightly.

[Fitzy Patricks]

There's something incongruous about the sudden use of my old nickname at the same time that I notice her wand, but I barely flick my eyes over to it before shrugging. Sometime in the month that I spent waiting, and hoping, and trying to deny what was beginning... I think I got used to the idea that I'd probably be dead soon. Finally, finally - and far, far too late - I've grown out of being a coward. So all I do is shrug.
"What's to regret? Other than anything I do if I do go back to that? I honestly don't care anymore, Riyann. I'm tired of saving my own pathetic life, so do whatever the hell you want."

[Riyann Servansikk]

I let a laugh pass my lips. First of all it was unbelievable that Fitzy would up and not care about his life, but the fact was he wasn't even thinking about his daughter and I giggled a little now, shaking my head slightly, looking back up at him.
We've finally cracked.
"It's not yours I'd be worried about Zee." I said softly, raising my left hand, the one that held a nice grip on my wand.

[Fitzy Patricks]

Well, who the hell else is here? I retort, exasperated... but in about another millisecond I'm glad I didn't say it out loud because then I'd be feeling even more dim.
Oh. And there's a rush of fear as I remember the fact that although I may refer to her often as 'the small one,' like she's a thing, my daughter is also a person and she is also here.
I'd really like to have a reply to this, but there is no swear word strong enough for what I'd like to call her, and I'm left incoherent for a moment.
"... You wouldn't," I finally say, though I am briefly tempted to just shrug it off and say I really don't care what she does to anyone else's life either.

[Riyann Servansikk]

[[Making it so she already killed lil in this thread. lol]]

I could only smirk slightly at his moment of silence, as he stood there, almost dumbfounded, and realization hit him not even a moment later.
"You really think I'm that predictable Fitzy?" I asked, laughing softly, raising an eyebrow towards him. "Who says I wouldn't? I've already killed Riley's sister, I've already killed my sister in law" I hissed, no longer laughing, trying to now prove a point. "What's the life of your daughter to me? I've never met her. You've always been hiding, either keeping her from the world or abandoning her. Is it because you care about her 'safety'?" I asked, smirking again as I spoke that last part, because it's really the only logical reason and he does care about her.

[Arden Patricks]

((Rightio... I was kind of assuming so anyway. *shrug*))

Most of what she says I just ignore, not caring to respond because I'm too damn busy wavering between horror at what I last thought and the feeling that it's kind of logical... ish. I was going to abandon her anyway, with a woman who can't possibly take care of her properly... and if I give in then I'll most likely fuck up and get more people killed than just my daughter, who's barely even lived so what does it matter?

But on the other hand, of course it matters. Kind of like it matters that - "You killed your own sister in law?" I ask incredulously, shaking my head. "When did you become a worse person than I am?"

[Riyann Servansikk]

Sighing softly I rolled my eyes at him and his question of if I killed my own sister in law. "Did I stutter and not notice it?" I asked, looking at him with a raised eyebrow, almost glaring in his direction. "When does that seem to ever matter Patricks?" I hissed in question.
My wand was still up and pointed at his daughter, waiting for him to either give in or give me reason to just kill her.
"Really now Fitzy, are you going to live behind others dying again or step up and just learn to live again?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, talking about how he was maybe going to let his daughter die, or how he could be a death eater.

[Fitzy Patricks]

Learn to live again. Great choice of words.
So I can "learn to live again" by rejoining a band of murderers and putting myself back in the position I was in ten years ago - constantly flipflopping between betrayals, wanting to be a better person and do the right thing but too pathetically cowardly to keep it up for long. Am I really any braver or any less pathetic now? Well... yes. but will that still be true if I rejoin them?
On the other hand, I can try to not be a coward and not be pathetic by letting her kill the kid I never wanted, the kid who didn't ask to exist but also didn't ask to only exist for a year....
It's probably a sign that I'm still a little messed up, if this is a hard decision.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"Debating on it? Does that really say I'm much worse of a person then you are Patricks?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, about ready to at least throw the curcio curse at his daughter, speeden his decision up a little bit. Well I'd hope to speeden his decision up a bit.
If I didn't, then I could just as well kill the little kid. I have to say it's way better that I don't know her, not as much guilt, though there would still be quite a bit.

[Fitzy Patricks]

I have to admit she's got me there, and I give one of my brief, humorless laughs in response. "Guess I spoke too soon on that one, true."
Yet even though I know this, I still can't help but try and think about it logically rather than emotionally. A month ago, perhaps, there would be no hesitation - just a lot of cursing as I went ahead and gave in. But a month of growing paranoia and fear has changed things a bit, and it also doesn't help that I've shut down in some ways where Melody is concerned. Otherwise I couldn't give her up, especially to Lacey of all people.
Your going to regret it if you let your daughter die, Fitz. I don't care if you don't feel it now, you'll definitely hate yourself later.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I laughed softly when he laughed, though his was humorless, and just grinned towards him. "Guess so. Now what do you say? Let her pay for your disloyalty?" I asked, raising an eyebrow towards him slowly. Now I wasn't sure if it would go one way or the other.
"Don't have much time Patricks." I said, my wand still pointed at her, about a minute away from using the curse on her now, though I wouldn't kill her instantly, just slowly.
"Curc-." I started, giving him time to interject and say he gave up.

[Fitzy Patricks]

I'm not really sure where this voice of mine has come from, or why it thinks it knows me better than I do... if that makes any sense. But only my subconscious - possibly even my conscience, if I have one - calls me Fitz. So probably it's right, all things considered, but that doesn't mean I can't think it through again while she's blathering on and I'm barely paying any attention - at least until she starts a very familiar set of words, and my time is kind of up.
"Stop, okay, fine," I say quickly, barely listening to myself. "I'm officially back in the company of murderers," I mutter bitterly, shifting the still-sleeping Melody - unless she's gone and died, which'd be nicely ironic - and glaring resentfully at the woman who was almost, at one time, one of the handful of people I cared about.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Smirking at his words I did stop and lowered my wand slightly. "Aw, come on Zee, it'll be fun." I said with a small giggle after he commented bitterly on being back in the company of murderers. Watching him as he moved his daughter slightly and glared at me I shrugged a little and this time pocketed my wand now. It was clear that he hated me now, though it couldn't have been much of a leap from ten years ago if he could just turn me in to the death eaters that were currently more than mad at me.
"So where were you bringing the little tyke?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, nodding towards his daughter. "What's the name by the way?" These question would most fit for those people who were friends, which was clear we no longer were. Fine by me.

[Fitzy Patricks]

You're mad, you really are.
"I was taking her to her mother," I mutter after a moment. "Any reason I can't do that?" I ignore the second question because I really don't see what right she has to that information. Just in case you want to kill her later, you want to know what to put on the grave?

[Riyann Servansikk]

"Just wondering, I'll even walk with you. Catch up on what's been happening lately, you know." I said, smiling a little towards him, shrugging my shoulders lightly. He didn't tell me his daughters name and I just pretended to not have noticed. "So how've you been?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.