I still can't believe it;;Riyann

[Riley Pearson]

She said that it was and I didn't move, staying where I was and staying silent. I was sick of yelling and I didn't really want to yell anyway. Not long ago I had just told her I didn't know how much more I could take from her and I wondered if she did this beforehand or after I said that. I guess the more likely one to guess was before it. I didn't know what I should do, or if I should say something else. A few questions popped into my head and I didn't ask them right away, thinking about whehter or not I wanted the answer.

"You love her?" I asked even quieter as I sat there, keeping my eyes glued to the floor. Now that the time was here, I didn't really want to leave.. or tell her to leave. But I was wondering if maybe I should leave her. I thought about the girls and about this house and everything else before stopping myself. I didn't want to get ahead of myself there. Especially becuase it was just making me even more depressed. But I wanted to know if it would be saving me from more heartbreak, leaving her, or if I stayed with her. Would things get better?

[Riyann Servansikk]

Stupid, that's all I was. For arguing with him about cheating on me and I knew that in the past I had done worse, and he knew about it, and then recently I'd done worse too and it was to much. I know that I had taken everything to far and I was going to lose it all for a different love.

"Y-yes." I whispered, keeping my head turned away from him now so that he couldn't see the tears that were falling down my cheeks freely. I am so stupid to think that I could love two people at the same time and not hurt either of them. I couldn't deal with lying to him anymore and I had already hurt him enough. And the only reason I had tried keeping it from him again was because he said he didn't know how much more he could take. And when he had said that I knew it wasn't going to last, as much as I wanted it to, and I could feel more tears fall down my cheeks, more because now I knew what I had been putting him through.

Going back to my old ways, huh? Cheating. What next? After the baby's born am I going to go back to drugs too? Drinking? I shook my head slightly against my thoughts, not wanting them, wondering if he'd want custody over the baby after it was born too.

[Riley Pearson]

I saw that coming. She loved her then and she loved her now. Maybe she was the one who was really lying to herself or me over all the years. Which was something else I didn't want to admit, but maybe it was true. I didn't know and I didn't really want to mention it. She loved her and I was assuming since she made such a huge deal about me kissing Arden that she loved me too.

I paused for another moment, a few tears falling causing me to wipe them away quickly, still not being able to look up to her. Right now the biggest question on my head was whether or not she loved me more than Shelby or not.

"Do you love her more?" I asked, feeling my voice crack only very slightly because of the small knot that had formed in my throat.

[Riyann Servansikk]

How do you tell someone, your husband, that you don't know if you love him more than his cousin or not, is it even possible without hurting him even more than should be possible? I wanted to just slam my head down against the dresser top or maybe into the wall, not wanting to answer him, but he was only going to assume from the silence that I'd let fall over me after hearing his question and the pain in his voice.

I dunno? Because that didn't seem like an answer he wanted to hear. Silence would tell him yes, or he'd assume it. And saying no would only be like lying to him again, I didn't know if I love him more or not. I just knew that over the years I hadn't been lying to myself about. I knew that I loved Shell. I always did, even if I didn't think it was the same as it was before, I guess it is and I was confused about it. Maybe that's what Riley had been going through.

I had stayed silent for a least a minute now, wishing that I wasn't pregnant so that I could go do something incredibly stupid on so many levels. "I dunno." I whispered, pretty sure that he could only have heard it if he was really listening to hear me answer.

[Riley Pearson]

All I heard was silence which, to me, meant that that was a clear yes to the question. At least in my perspective. A few moments later I heard her whisper very quietly, still listening and hoping that maybe time was just going slower than I thought it was and she just hadn't responded yet and she was going to say no. But that wasn't the case when I heard her say that she didn't know. That answer was basically just as bad as the silence.

Maybe leaving her would be doing the both of us a favor. I was surprised that even thought that, and definately didn't want to believe it, but I found myself agreeing the statement and let out a shaky breath, wiping my eyes again.

I thought about getting up and packing a few of my things, but then it occured to me that I didn't know where I could go. The kids were at my parents and there was no way I could go to Shelby's.. I didn't know where I could go. The Leaky Cauldren maybe. Then again, maybe I shouldn't leave at all. I didn't know what to do, but I found myself still not moving and biting lip again.

"Maybe I should just go.." I said and I stood up after another moment, wiping my eyes again and walking over to the dresser grabbing my wallet. "I'll be back later.." I said silently, running a hand through my hair.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I was waiting for him to get up and hit me or yell at me, kick me out or else say we needed a divorce and I bit my lip, just waiting for it to happen, whichever it it really was. It seemed like it was just silent for enough time to count up to forever until I heard him speak and I didn't want to hear the words he said, feeling my heart drop even more then it already had, though it wasn't as bad after he said he'd be back later, which I thought might mean we weren't completely over.

I watched as he grabbed his wallet from infront of me and bit my lip even more. I could tell that there was no way I could make it so he didn't leave, and I shouldn't really try when he said he'd be back. I don't think I should at least. "I really do love you Riley." I whispered under my breath, not even sure if he could hear it as I kept my eyes away from him.

My thoughts went back to thinking of what if's. Like what if he only came back to pack up his and the girl's things, only was going to go and get divorce papers? What if he went and got drunk out of his mind that he came back with some other person?

What if I left while he was gone and went off with Shelby? And now I couldn't help but think maybe I should.

[Riley Pearson]

I let out another shaky breath, barely hearing her, but still understanding what she said. I looked over to her for the first time in a while, with sad eyes, "I love you too.." I said quietly, thought louder than as quiet as she said it. I did still love her and I hoped that when I got back tonight she'd still be here, but I knew there was a chance that she wouldn't be. And in that case, would she be the only one gone, or would she have gotten Ella and Char too and left me in this house all alone. Who knows, maybe she'd be happier with Shelby, which I didn't really want to think about right now. "Hopefully I'll see you later then.." I said quietly, biting my lip a little bit, not wanting to leave, but feeling like I should.

I stood there for a few moments longer, staring down at my wallet. I guessed that I should leave now, but I wanted to see if she had anything else to say.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I could feel a few more tears fall down from my eyes at his last comment, not knowing what he meant by that, wondering if he meant to suggest that he just might not be coming back or if he figured I'd be gone, which only prompted me to wanting to go so that if he didn't come back I wouldn't have to be hurt, and that if he figured I'd be gone I could prove him right and prove that I really am just stupid and a screw up. Either way, it'd be for the better for him, right?

I just nodded, still not even looking at him, having a feeling that it would make me do something stupid or something that I'd find stupid at the moment, but I couldn't speak either. I wonder if this is what he felt when I left him, feeling like he'd never get the chance to be with me, or to see me again, because I was pretty sure that if I did leave he wouldn't be expecting me back and I probably wouldn't be getting the chance to be with him again. And really, the twins would hate me as it is so I wouldn't have to actually come back here.
My feet still held the interest of my eyes and where they were looking so that's where I kept them as he stood there, not doing anything like leaving yet, which just blew my mind. I thought he wanted to leave.

[Riley Pearson]

She obviously wasn't going to say or do anything else so I just nodded very faintly to myself. She still hadn't looked at me and bit my lip slightly, walking a little closer to her and hugged her, not really tightly, but not loosely either. If I didn't see her later it would be because she left. I was coming back here either way, whether she was still here or not.

I let out another breath and wiped my eyes again before letting go of her. I looked at her again for another moment, wanting her to look at me, but when she didn't I just turned around and started walking out of the room.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I heard him walk closer and I was somewhat surprised by this, but why should I be, right? And then I felt his arms around me and wanted to hug him back, I mean he had to have forgiven me at least a little bit to not have yelled at me and to be able to hug me still. Me on the other hand, I just suck at the whole forgiving thing, don't I?

Hearing him let out a breath I bit my lip and sighed softly, wishing that he didn't take his arms back from around me and I wanted to be able to look at him. But how could I do that while knowing what he did to me and then what I had done to him and held from him. Which made me think about it even more and a few more tears slide down my face, them just coming faster when I heard him walk out of the room.

Sometimes I hate me more than I can express or even try to express, and I just stood in that same spot, trying to think of what to do, leave him or not. Run away with the hurting Shelby or not. Either way they were both hurt and I loved them both.

[Riley Pearson]

I still didn't hear her do or say anything as walked away and wiped away a couple more tears again as I started to think about where I was going to go. Maybe just to a bar somewhere, more than likely I'll end up at the Hogs Head. Either that or just out somehwere to buy alcohol and then going to drink it somewhere. Which I was thinking wouldn't be the best idea. I made it to the living room and I waited there for a little while, but when she didn't come outside I just sighed again and apparated to the Hogs Head even though I wasn't sure I really wanted to be there.

I wasn't sure if I had forgiven her for this last time or not, mainly just because I was too upset over the fact that she might love Shelby more and it sort of just pushed everything else away from my thoughts.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I could feel more tears fall out of my eyes when I heard the faint pop of him leaving and bit my lip, standing there for a long while more, not exactly sure how long I'd been there, but now I was feeling tired, my head hurt more than anything, probably from crying so much, and my feet were starting to hurt so I moved and layed down on the bed, thinking about what I should do and constantly wiping the tears from my eyes as I made the attempt to figure out where to stay.

One side was that if I left I don't think that he'd even want me to come back, even if he really did love me more than anything. But if I didn't leave then this probably won't ever stop, this little occasional fling between Shell and I and I wouldn't be able to figure out if I really did love her like I said I did.
Char already hates me, and neither of the two would ever think of coming with me, which meant I'd lose my family except for the baby until it's born, then I'd probably lose it too.

Getting out of the bed I sighed, it was probably another hour later and really, I could stand being in this house and thinking at the same time.

Moving only hurt my head even more though, but oh well. I went into the kitchen and found a small note pad, biting at my lower lip before starting to write him a note, somewhere including the fact that the twin's birthday present was in the closet from the both of us, and then I added that I needed some time to think, not including anything about Shell, but I was sure he could guess that I was going to her, lastly I put how I wasn't sure how long I'd be gone, which actually hurt me. And at the end of it I signed my name after writing love you, and another tear slipped past my eye and dripped on to the page, but I didn't notice.

Biting against my lip I didn't even grab anything that was mine, except I went into the twin's room in hope of finding the locket that Char apparently had with no such luck and just apparated out of the house with a few more tears falling.

[Riley Pearson]

[[ hmm... end thread i guess? lol... or should i have riley come back in and find the note? lol... hmm.. ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

[[haha. doesn't matter. I was thinking he was gunna come back]]

[Riley Pearson]

[[ lol, okay, yeah, me too, but i didn't know if i should bother posting it. but i guess i will ^^ ]]

I apparated to the front of the house, trying to open the door until I realised that I forgot my keys in the house when I left. Which meant, Riyann letting me in, if she was still in there that is, or just apparating inside. Which I thought seemd to be a better idea.. though I wasn't sure how great of an idea apparating while drunk was. I got here okay though. So I figured it must not be too dangerous... or I just got lucky I was still in one piece. That's always a possibilty.

I apparated into the house, feeling extra dizzy again as I appeared, in the still light living room and losing my balance, leaning against the wall. I was pretty sure I looked like a mess, but after nearly seven firewhiskeys, I say nearly becuase I knocked over the last one on accident, spilling the rest of it's contents all over the bar.

I was going to go check to see if Riyann was still here, but I somehow ended up passed out on the couch for a number of hours until finally waking up. With a terribly awful headache I might add. I blinked a few times and sat up, holding my head. The house was quiet and dark, which I knew right off the bad was usually not a good thing.. At least not when you're hoping someone will be there. I bit my lip, looking around and turning on a light. "Riyann?" I called out, only hearing myself in the now empty house. I stood up and walked into the kitchen to take something for my headache, when a note caught my eye. I frowned a little more, picking it up in my hand and reading it.

I saw a small spot where a tear landed when she was writing it and felt a few more tears prick at my eyes. She was gone and I was assuming that she was with Shelby. The girl's birthday was coming up and I was actually pretty upset that she's considering missing it. I don't care how I'm feeling at the moment, when it's their birthday, they were going to see her. At least that's what I was planning on the moment.

What was I going to tell the girls? What could I possibly say to make this seem okay. I didn't know what I could tell them or how they'd react. Not good I'm sure if it involves having their mum leave them. I sighed and stared at the note, feeling one of my tears drop onto it next before just dropping the pad of paper on the counter and sliding down the side of the cabinets, resting my head back on them, feeling more alone than I usually would have, mostly because this was all my fault. If I didn't leave, maybe she would've stayed.. and I definately wouldn't have this headache right now... I still loved her and it hurt more than anything to think that she could possibly love shelby more. I just couldn't understand why or why this had to happen to us.

[[ blah, blah, blah.. hope that made sense... i was rambly.. ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

-It made sense. and was good ^^-

[Riley Pearson]

[[ yay! lol thankies ^^ ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

[[Mhmsies]]