I still can't believe it;;Riyann

[Riley Pearson]

I didn't know when Riyann was going to get home, but I was sort of hoping that it was soon. I didn't know how much longer I talk myself into telling her about this. I was to the point where I was thinking about just keeping it to myself, but I really doubted that I would be able to hold that up for very long.

I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck as I sat at the kitchen table with a full mug of tea infront of me. I was sick to my stomach as i sat there, thinking about everything. Which was why the mug was still basically full. I don't really even know why I made it.

I heard a familar crack, biting my lip slighty as I sat there, assuming that it was Riyann. I wasn't really looking forward to this, but I knew that I had to do it and I had to tell her. So maybe the sooner the better.

sorry it sucks.. lol ^^

[Riyann Servansikk]

Smiling, I apparated home from the ministry, happy because now I went to working only for three days a week instead of how long I had been working at a time, and because, despite hiding the night with Shell from Riley, things might actually be able to work out again. Hopefully they will, as they should because as long as we both tried and I kept the one thing from him, they would because I hadn't done anything else.
Nope, nothing.

With the smile still dancing on my face I walked into the kitchen, wand in my pocket as of a few minutes ago instead of being in my hand.

And like Riley said, if we gave Charlotte a little bit of time then she'd probably get over the whole problem and hopefully forgive me and it'd get better with her too. And then everything would be back to normal, or how it should be.

I wasn't actually used to seeing Riley up so early and in the kitchen, then again I wasn't exactly used to working night shift, and I frowned slightly instead. "Hey love." I said softly walking over to him. "Feeling okay?" I asked, biting at my lower lip hesitantly, he didn't exactly look that great and I felt a small sinking feeling in my stomach. Maybe he was just sick, or maybe he'd talked to Shell or somehow he'd figured out about what had happened.

After I asked him if he was feeling okay I pulled a chair out from the table and sat in it, pulling my feet up with me as I faced him, feeling a little bit worried more than anything.

[[haha, it was fine. I didn't know what to put for mine.. so yeah]]

[Riley Pearson]

I glanced up tp her and shook my head faintly as she walked over to me, asking if I was okay. Physically, yes. Mentally, definately not. Then again, maybe not physically either. I felt sick to my stomach right now and it was starting to wear me down. She looked so happy, that was, until she got a good look at me. I could see why she thought that maybe I wasn't feeling too great becuase I was pretty sure that I looked at least a little rough around the edges this morning, if not a great deal.

"Hey." I said managing a small smile which seemed to fade as I looked back down to my semi-warm mug of untouched tea. "I-I'm not too great.." I said finally answering her question, after what seemed like a long time, but in reality was only a second or two.

I stared at my tea for a moment longer, biting my lip lightly. I didn't want to tell her. Why did I have to go and do that? Why did I have to kiss her? Taken, I should probably be glad all I did was kiss her. I didn't even know what I was thinking. But I knew that I had to tell her now, or I probably wasn't ever going to tell her. Which may, or may not, be a good thing.

"Um.." I started quietly, looking slightly up to her again. "I have to talk to you about something..." I told her softly, my hands still wrapped gently around my mug.

[[ lol, thankies ... but yours was really good ^^ ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

I smiled a little back at him after seeing the short lasting smile he had. I don't think it was about me, which was both relieving and even more stressing. It only made me feel worse when I was alone because that left me time to think about it, me and Shell, and then think about Riley and I. What the hell was there in our marriage if I kept doing these things? Granted it was only this once after we got married, hell after the twins were born, after the last time with Shell when I was still 'Payton', but didn't mean anything.
But I couldn't, I couldn't ruin this over that.
I-I shouldn't let our marriage be ruined.

A short moment or so after he said he wasn't to great I bit my lip again and reached a hand out towards him to rest on his arm or something, just wanting to be a little more comferting. It was obvious he wasn't doing so well or feeling that great, which ever.

Hearing his next words, though, my hand faltered before it reached his arm, so really he spoke after I reached out to him, whether he noticed it or not.

"O-oh." I said softly, taking my hand back and biting my lip even more.

I hate that word. Oh. It can be used for so many things and different situations and mean many different things. And each time it's used you can generally tell what the meaning behind it was.
My oh, it was more of, well I dunno. Mixed feelings and emotions.

[[haha.. thanks.. took forever to post a reply because I couldn't think of anything.. lol]]

[Riley Pearson]

[[ aw, lol, but it turned out really good for not knowing ^^ ]]

I saw her hand pull away a moment after I spoke and bit my lip a little bit. I waited a few moments, trying to think of what I should tell her before she would stop listening to me, but I couldn't really think of what to say. What was I supposed to say? Riyann, I love you and I kissed someone else? I love you and I kissed Arden... Somehow I don't think that would fly too well.

"Riyann, I love you so much... Y-You know that I do..." I said with quietly, looking up to her and in her eyes, mine starting to look, more than likely, slightly sad.".. I.." I paused for a moment looking back down to my hands. "I-I kissed someone else.." I said very quietly, not mentioning who the someone was. Imagining she was going to ask anyway. I let out a small breath, hoping that she didn't hear me and maybe I would be able to change my mind and say something else instead. I didn't want to hurt her, I never did.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I heard him say that he loved me and I bit my lip, waiting for the worst. Thinking that the next words out of his mouth were going to be something stupid or going to be him leaving him and I bit my lip even more.

Not being able to bring myself to say anything I just nodded and looked down at my feet, wondering why I was happening to look at them when I got nervous or bored. I nodded again and stared at my feet as I kept still, maybe he'd forget about whatever he was going to say and I looked back up at him, feeling slightly more nervous.

"I-I, what?" I asked, about to say something to him wanting to leave me, so stuck on the idea that he was going to, and not expecting those words out of his mouth.

Shaking my head a little I tried thinking of something else he might've said then those words. He didn't even say who it was, didn't say a name, so maybe that might've meant I heard him wrong, really wrong and that I was nowhere near to having had understood him. "W-what?"

[Riley Pearson]

I bit my lip a little harder, having a feeling that I wasn't going to be able to change my mind about telling her now. I'm pretty sure that she heard me correctly and now there was no going back. I stayed quiet for a moment before looking up and her, maybe she hadn't heard me.. but I knew I had to tell her now. As much as I didn't want to.

I felt my eyes burning slightly as a knot formed in my throat. I knew what it felt like to be on the other end and it wasn't a very good feeling at all. "I kissed someone else.." I said again with a sad look my face as I looked at her.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I could feel a few tears burning at my eyes, but I didn't let them out, and I held myself back from hitting him or doing something dumb, because I've already done this, and well I had never expected it to come back and bite me in the ass, not this way at least.

And then I started thinking about Janie, of all times, thinking about his ex girlfriend who he had left for me.
And it seemed just like what was going on now.

I had already pushed myself out of the chair and started walking away, not even wanting to look at him. He had been with Janie and he'd kissed me, and now I was starting to wonder if this is what he had been telling her. That he loved her and kissed someone else, all before leaving her, and I couldn't help but think that this is what he was going to end up doing to me and leave me for someone else.
A kiss was all it took for him to be with me, how did I know that wasn't all it'd be for him to leave me?

I turned around and looked at him, wanting to ask him about that, wanting to yell at him, do anything, but I could form sentences clearly, I couldn't find a word to come past my lips and I just turned back around, speechless and stared at the wall.

[Riley Pearson]

I watched her get up and let out a small breath, wondering what she was thinking. Wanting for her to yell at me or something. She turned around looking at me and I thought she was going to say something until she turned away again and stared at a wall.

She could've been thinking about anything. Well, not anything, but a few things. About why I did it was my best guess though. It never even really occured to me that she was thinking about Janie. That all it took for me to leave her was kissing Riyann. I knew that wasn't likely the case here, at least, I didn't think that it was. Yeah, I did sort of like Arden, but no where near the amount that I loved Riyann.

I stood up, walking closer to her and standing near her. "Riyann, you have to believe that I could never love anyone more than you.. I-I don't know what I was thinking. All we did was kiss." I said, starting to explain it more to her, the sick feeling staying with me as I thought about it. "It didn't mean anything.." Much.

[Riyann Servansikk]

How do I know? I wanted to just yell that at him, but instead I was doing my best to stay silent because I knew some how I was just going to mess it up in some stupid way. And then there was the fact that I didn't even know if I could form words to say to him. Hell I think I'd be happy to start talking about monkeys, just to distract myself until I had something more to yell at him.

We should talk about monkeys.

Hearing him walk towards me I just shook my head a little, how did I know he was telling the truth? Hell I want to say more than anything he still has my trust, nothing he did lost that. I had thought that he'd never lose it, no matter what he did, not again at least. But he did, at least a little bit of it. That bit that used to trust what words he said.

Now I want to ask why, why'd he do it if it meant nothing to him. Why'd he go and hurt me and lose that little bit of trust to kiss some one when he didn't mean it.

"S-so you tell me that you kissed someone else." I said softly, shaking my head again. "And then you expect me to b-believe that nothing in that kiss meant anything. That's the worst lie I could ever imagine you saying." Not to mention I didn't even imagine it. I turned around and looked at him, shaking my head in disbelief. It wouldn't have been so horribly stupid if he had left that one little part out. It wouldn't have been, it would have been stupid either way, wanting me to believe the words that come out of his mouth. Just because I've already been on that side of these things I know all about it. Which, really, could only dig the hole I was standing in and make it bigger.

[Riley Pearson]

She turned around and looked at me as she said those words. I looked in her eyes for a few seconds before moving them to the ground. "It meant a little..." I said very quietly, biting my lip a little bit. "But no where near as much as it means with you." I added a little louder and quicker, shaking my head a slightly. "Please believe me.." I said looking back up at her.

I guess I could understand why she didn't want to believe me, but I wanted, more than anything, that she would.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Staring at him, I just shook my head. I knew it had to mean something, didn't mean I wanted to believe it, so why'd I have to go and make him say it meant something? I'm dumb sometimes. I wanted to once again bring up the Janie thing, and then I remembered being with Shelby, and how we said we'd run away together. Maybe this happened so that we could. I dunno. Sometimes people should just tell me what exactly I should be doing instead of me having to guess, it just messes it up.

"W-why d'you do it?" I asked in a small whisper, still shaking my head, wanting for him to actually look at me when he answered, when he said the things he's already said so far, but he wasn't exactly doing that very well or much.

I didn't know who it was with and I really wasn't sure if I wanted to. Just meant someone else for me to resent. Like Hayley.

"Wh-who?" I asked, wondering if he could even have heard it since I had spoken so quietly. Biting my lip I waited for him to answer, feeling my eyes water more than I wanted or they should have and I shook my head again, shutting my eyes for a moment to hold back the tears I wasn't going to let out.

[Riley Pearson]

She shook her head and I smoothed some hair down a little bit, mostly out of nervous habit. Did she not believe me? Is that why she shook her head? That was my guess seeing as she didn't comment it and that's all she did. I looked to the floor again for a moment before she spoke up again, causing me to look up to her.

Why did I do it? I really didn't know myself. But I did know that I definately wasn't thinking. I shook my head a little bit. "I don't know.. I-I wasn't thinking.. at all." I said biting my lip a little bit, deciding to look in her eyes this time. I wanted her to know that I wasn't just lying.

She asked me who, the question I knew was coming. I stayed quiet for a moment, biting my lip and glancing down to the floor again. ".. Arden." I said quietly.

[Riyann Servansikk]

It's times like this that I really want to be able to have a drink without feeling horribly guilty about it, a time where I really don't want to be pregnant, like more than anything. Yet I am, and I'm stuck with it and not being able to forget over a few firewhiskeys. At least I can honestly say that means that maybe I'd get over this faster for some stupid reason, though I'd be thinking about it constantly.

"Y-you never stopped liking her." I said, looking up from the floor where I had directed my eyes after his answer of not knowing why he'd done this. "You either lied to yourself about that or you lied to me about it." I added, feeling like I was pointing a finger at him accusingly, which is probably how it came off as, but could you blame me? "But you never stopped liking her Riley." I added a little bit louder, shaking my head again, starting to get a small headache from all of this.

Of all people, he had to kiss her, and now I just wanted to keep accusing him of something about it, ask him accusing questions and such. It's not my fault that I wanted to either. Arden was still a friend, and Riley's best friend.

If he hadn't have seemed so scared and sad about having to tell me I would have guessed that this had been going on for a while because they were so close to eachother, but I didn't want to accuse him of something so stupid, not even in my own damn head. "You never did." I whispered, shaking my head and looking past him instead, just looking at the wall in disbelief.

[Riley Pearson]

I looked up to her again as she said that I never stopped liking her and shook my head a little bit. I didn't want to like her back then and I didn't want to like her even a little bit in that way. That's not really something I can control. Doesn't it count that I did want to forget about it? That maybe I did lie to myself about something like this?

I let a tear fall from one of my eyes and wiped it away quickly. "Doesn't it count at all that maybe I did lie to myself about it?" I asked her as I looked back over to her. "I don't love her. I never have. I love you."

[Riyann Servansikk]

"So?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him before shaking my head a little. "You still like her Riley. You kissed her." I said, shaking my head, for some reason wanting to know if he liked it, but I didn't ask didn't say anything else, knowing that at some point he was going to bring up the Shelby thing. Or the Logan and Ryan things. And I bit my lip to keep myself from speaking again, just shaking my head.

It's amazing at how affective shaking your head can be. It's like the word oh, different meanings, different ways and reasons to use it. It could be used as a simple answer,no. It could mean disappointment or something along those lines.

Biting a little harder on my lip I shook my head again and brought my hand to my head, almost hoping that would make the headache just disappear and then maybe make it so all of this was a stupid silly dream and I was still at work waiting to come home and see Riley before he had to go to work, if he did, and work things out from my latest mistake.

But I knew that wasn't going to happen. We'd both screwed up this time and it was only a matter of a few choice words that I'd hurt him with the news of being with Shelby again.

Maybe I was overreacting, just throwing this whole thing out of proportion, that some how he was lying to me now, that the kiss meant absolutely nothing, that he didn't lie to himself or like Arden at all, that he was just trying to scare me and see how easily he could lose my trust. I knew that wasn't true either. I'm just stupid.

"You didn't love me when you left Janie." I said, finally speakig again, bringing that situation up. "Are you going to do to me what you did to her Riley?" I asked, shaking my head a little.

[Riley Pearson]

"So I love you." I said again, shaking my head a little bit. "That.. It's.. It's not the same. Why does it matter? I barely like her and I love you. There's huge difference." I added looking up at her again.

She was quiet for a little longer this time before she started talking again. I listened to her, hearing her bring up Janie. I rubbed the back of my neck and shook my head. I was having a hard time believing she was saying this. That she was asking me if I would leave.

"How could you even ask me that?" I asked looking at her. "N-no. I love you Riyann. I did not love Janie.. I only thought that I did." I said shaking my head a little. "And don't tell me that I only think I love you. Because I love you more than anything."

[Riyann Servansikk]

"But you kissed her." I said, continuing on with that, shaking my head again, glad that there was a least some space between us, I was already feeling sick from hearing all of this. I know there was a difference, he still kissed her, and I was forgetting for the time being about Shell and all the other things that I had gone and done to him.

Funny how that works. You cheat more than once, technically only two time was it really on my own part and that he knew about, and then when the other person does it, you get all worked up over it and dig yourself a bigger hole, and I knew I was going to.
Still, the times with Logan, I didn't even remember, not really. I was drunk that first time and knocking on anyone's door to find someone I knew, and then I woke up with him. The second time I only remember going over there to fight him over Sydney.
The second time I was with Shelby Riley and I weren't even together and I wonder if he knew that.

I looked up at him when he asked how I could ask him that and I looked at him, shaking my head a little. Yes I was going to say that he only thought he loved me, but he already beat me to saying that it wasn't true.

And so I fell silent again, looking at the wall behind him, no longer being able to keep eye contact, realizing that I was still hiding Shelby from him. He was going to find out, either by me, by one of our slip ups, or Shelby was going to end up talking to him or something stupid. And then this whole argument was going to come up and it'd be worse off for us.

I just shook my head when he said he loved me more than anything. It wasn't that I didn't believe him, just that words were words.
Right?

[Riley Pearson]

"Yes, I kissed her." I said nodding a little as she repeated it again. "And I wish I could take it back, but I can't." I said, keeping my eyes on her. I knew she was going to take it hard, but what else could I say to her about it. All I could do was say sorry and say that I loved her. I didn't know what else.

"What about Shelby? And Ryan?" I asked kind of quietly after a moment, not wanting to bring this up, but hearing myself say it before I could stop myself. I didn't say Logan for a couple specific reasons. She didn't love him, or even like him for that matter. Those two times weren't entirely her fault.

She shook her head again and I shook mine slightly back. "What do I have to do? What else do you want me to say?"

[Riyann Servansikk]

I didn't even really hear him say that he did kiss her or that he wanted to take it all back, but I was rubbing the side of my head as I shut my eyes lightly for a moment. I don't know if I had a headache because of all of this or lack of sleep, I just wanted it gone.

"What about them?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him, almost daring him to continue with that, but I really did want to know what he thought about it. Why he was bringing them up.
Ryan kissed me and I ended up kissing him back because really, do you blame me after not being able to do anything for 4 months. Four months where Riley actually found out that he did like Arden and that little crush stayed with him?

Now I'm just making up excuses to not make it seem as bad. Just like him I regretted everything, except this last time with Shelby, but still, I cheated on him and he'd returned the favor, intentional or not.

"I don't know. What do you have to do Riley?" I asked, shaking my head as I brought my hand from my head, shrugging my shoulders. I didn't know what, I didn't know what I wanted him to say or do. How do you get over something like this? It was obvious Riley never had so would I? As much as I did and didn't want to, would I be over this?

[Riley Pearson]

"I forgave you.. I looked past them. Not to mention you did more than kiss Shelby. That you loved her." I said as I dared to go on, wondering if I should have. I probably shouldn't've, but it was too late the words were already out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

"You tell me." I said shaking my head a little bit. "I don't know, Riyann." I could say that maybe I wouldn't talk to Arden anymore, that I wouldn't see her, but I wasn't sure if I could do that. Sure, I would distance myself from her for a while, but forever I don't think I'd be able to do.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"Obviously you didn't forgive me." I said shaking my head and glaring lightly at him. "Sure you looked past it all. It's clear you didn't forgive me now." I said, feeling a small lump in my throat after listening to what he said. It was true, yes but there were some limits on what he could say about. "So what Riley? What now, you can compare yourself to me, decided that you're better and you can do whatever you want as long as it never is as bad as what I did?" I asked, shaking my head a little more and willing myself not to let tears fall over this. "It's the same damn thing, cheating is cheating, there is no it's better than what could've happened." I said a little louder than I had planned, practically yelling it at him.

I know I did sort of push him to say more and that really I shouldn't have said some of those things, but it was what I was feeling. That he thought he was better than me and he could kiss her and shouldn't have to worry about it.

"I dunno either. Maybe there's nothing." I said, shaking my head at the word nothing. There had to be something, right?
But what about Shelby and me?

[Riley Pearson]

I winced sightly as she raised her voice to me. I shook my head at what she was saying though. I never thought that I was better than her. That thought never passed through my mind. I was just saying how if I could forgive her for those things, look past them, she could forgive me for those few kisses. Especially when I don't even love Arden like she did Shelby.

I just shook my head more, "I never thought that I was better than you." I said in a slightly louder voice looking at her. "And you may think that I didn't forgive you or whatever, but I did." I said back to her, running a hand through my hair. "Cheating is cheating, but all I did was kiss her. I didn't sleep her! I don't love her!" I said almost yelling it back, still shaking my head.

"Do you want me not to talk her anymore?" I asked shaking my head a little bit, looking at her. "Never to see her again?" I asked, wishing I hadn't a moment later. I would for a while, but not forever.

[Riyann Servansikk]

He started sppeaking louder than me and I just shook my head, trying to halfway believe him for what he said and then I didn't want to. I couldn't believe him, why should I? He practically just contradicted himself with that.

"If you never thought you were better than me then why'd you bring that up to compare it Riley?" I asked, yelling the question at him. "And if you can keep bringing it up as an arguement against me then you couldn't have forgiven me." I added in a small whisper, feeling his next words sting and I shook my head at him before turning away from him and starting out of the kitchen. I didn't have to deal with this, with him mocking me about it, to better himself than me.

If he didn't think he was better, then why the hell did he keep using Shell against me? He could think all he wants that he was right and never thought he was better, but he'd be lying to himself now.

"I don't care what you do. Leave me out of it." I yelled back at him when he asked if he just shouldn't talk to her or see her. He could do all he wanted, I wasn't supposed to stop him from what he wanted to do, so why should I? He could go marry her if he really wanted, I just didn't want to stick around and deal with it. Don't see how he could have stuck around and dealt with me loving him and Shelby both.
Maybe he was just scared to see me be with someone else instead of him.

[Riley Pearson]

"I didn't mean to compare." I said, slightly yelling it back, before just shaking my head a little bit, not knowing how to respond anymore. "I forgave you. It was ten fucking years ago. I forgave you." I said again, rubbing my head, getting a headache now myself. She walked out of the kitchen a moment later and I watched her, letting her go for a moment. I wanted to follow her, but I didn't know what else to say again. All I was doing was repeating everything I said mutiple times and we went from talking to yelling. I didn't want this to get any worse.

I just shook my head again, feeling a couple more tears falling from my eyes. There was no winning with her. Maybe I lost more trust than oringally thought I had, because now she wasn't believing a thing I told her. Or, apparently, anything I had told her before any of this.

"I don't want to leave you out of it." I said yelled a moment later, following her into the other room, not knowing if I should have or not. "Will you please just listen to me?"

[Riyann Servansikk]

"You still did it." I muttered, not yelling it this time. "Ten years ago, yes. You'd think you'd have forgiven me Riley. Try and see it from my point of view. You're not over it. Think that you are and you're lying to yourself." I said a little quieter than a yell, but still loud. He had to be lying to himself, right?

I just walked from the kitchen and started for our bedroom, not sure what I was going to do, leave or maybe hope to break something, do something stupid, who knows. Not mea.

I could hear him following me though, his footsteps coming down the hallway after I was in the room and I shook my head. Hearing him yell that though, I didn't know if to feel a little happier about it or not, maybe the fact that he yelled it wavered how I was feeling on it.

"And what do you have to say? You've already said so yourself Riley that you didn't know." I said, shooting a glare at him before turning back to the dresser I was at, debating whether or not to start packing, or else leave without everything, I could do either of the things, or I could stay. "And why should I listen? I've heard enough as it is?" I added coldly, not wanting to hear excuses anymore.

[Riley Pearson]

"I did, but I didn't want to." I said shaking my head slightly again. "Riyann, stop telling me that I'm lying to myself. I'm not." At least I didn't think I was. Who knows maybe she was right about it. "Actually, who knows, maybe I haven't." I said throwing my hands up in the air. "All you're doing is confusing me. Why can't you just believe me? I forgave you." At this point I wasn't sure if I was making any sense or not, but the words just kept coming out of my mouth, like a leaky faucet that I couldn't turn off.

I watched her glare at me as she stood in front of the dresser, wondering what she was doing. Was she going to leave me? Leave me over a kiss? I didn't know what that was supposed to mean. If she was leaving me over this, it sounds like maybe I should have left her a long time ago. Except for the fact that I still didn't want to.

I just shook my head again, about to say it all again, before I stopped myself. "Nevermind. I already told you it all more than once. You're just not listening to me." I said shaking my head for what seemed like the hundreth time already.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I just shook my head, listening to what he said and I wasn't exactly sure on why, but it actually hurt a little when he started to agree with me. "Well I'm sorry." I yelled at him when he said I was only confusing him and then he tried arguing some more that he did forgive me and I dunno, sort of seemed like he was trying to make me feel guilty for not agreeing with him or believing him on anything that he said.
Maybe I should feel guilty.

And now I feel like some how all of this is my fault and I just brought a hand up to wipe a couple of tears from my eyes as they threatened to fall out.
Maybe it was all my fault. If I hadn't of kissed Ryan back, started the whole thing with Shelby, not gotten drunk that night, not had the abortion, not have left Riley, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

I shook my head a little. I wasn't listening, maybe that was the problem. Well I was listening, I had heard the words he said, come up with arguements against him, but I wasn't exactly listening the way I should have. "I'm sorry." I muttered, staring down at my feet that were bare against the floor, wondering when I might've taken my shoes off, wondering if I had been wearing socks or not, because, that was just confusing right there.

"I-I was." I started, biting my lip and not wanting to say it. I had actually thought that I was going to say this out of anger. Really, I didn't think I'd say it so I could intentionally take the blame all off of him and ruin our marriage by myself. "I was with her again." I whispered, not being able to look at him. I could appologize all I want, I just don't think he'd listen to me, not after this, and I moved a hand to wipe my eyes quick, not wanting to be crying now, not in front of him when I turned it from him to me. I couldn't even say Shelby, and yet when I was with her the last time I had said I loved her, if I loved her I could say her name, right? Maybe.

[Riley Pearson]

I rubbed my head again, not commenting on the first sorry she yelled. The point was the more she said it, the more I was starting to believe her. Which was definately not something I wanted to do.

She said she was sorry again, a few moments later, quieter. "You don't have a reason to be. This was my fault." I said, shaking my head slightly, saying this in a normal voice and not any louder. "I'm sorry, I know what it's like to be on the other side of this.. I just.. I want you to know that it didn't mean much of anything at all compared to what I feel for you." I said calmly, still watching her.

she started talking again and I was slightly confused at what she was going to say. What else did she have to say? It kind of worried me by how she started off though. It was surprising how worrying those couple simple words could be. I stayed quiet when she finished and bit my lip, looking down at the floor for a few moments and walking over to the bed to sit down. "Recently?" I asked quietly after a few moments, feeling my heart drop a little more again, right after I started feeling just the slightly bit better. She didn't have to say who, cause it was obvious who it was. That just wasn't something I wanted to hear.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I could feel more tears coming when he said I didn't have a reason to be sorry. I did. I really did have a reason to be sorry, sure the first part of this was partly his fault, except for the fact that I had overreacted and thrown it all out of proportion, just like I knew I was going to be.

When he started explaining I shook my head a little more, my arms crossed across my chest as I hung it downwards. If I thought it hurt to know what I had done and freaked out over him kissing Arden, I was wrong. It hurt more when he explained it and I had half hoped I could've explained it a little faster as to why I was sorry. I never wanted to hurt him, that's why I hadn't left him for Shelby before we got married, and I didn't want to hurt her either, just she had Jay then. Now she didn't and I was still going to hurt one of them.

Staring at my feet I nodded my head a little at his next question, feeling sick all over again, wondering why I could have yelled at him earlier when I said he was comparing himself to me and I could've yelled at him to compare it to that and then I wouldn't feel so guilty, sort of.

"Y-yeah." I whispered, wondering if he was going to hate me for either the lack of wanting to appologize or for the whole thing in general, but I couldn't look up at him, and besides I didn't want to see how hurt he was, how hurt I knew he was. Maybe he should hit me and it might knock some sense into me. Or maybe he should just leave, or make me leave because I knew there was no way that if we split that he'd let me take the twins, and there was no way they'd come with me. Which only hurt worse.