Perfect (Ian or possibly Shelby)

[Arden Patricks]

It’s funny how I could forget just how perfect a spot this is for self-recriminations, then rediscover it by chance just a few weeks before I need it again. I hadn’t been here in years, up until the day when I met Finley Andrews because Lilith needed a chocolate fix. And then, it was just to reminisce. But now that I’ve done something really, really stupid, nowhere else seems quite right. Buildings are confining, outdoors is too crowded and noisy… except for here. And, perhaps best of all, there seems little chance of running into anyone I know. I don’t think that I want to just now. Not until I’ve gotten my head straightened out at least a little.

I don’t know what I was thinking anymore…. I put my forehead in my hands, elbows resting on my knees as I sit cross-legged behind the shrieking shack. To be honest, I guess I wasn’t thinking much of anything… and, in my defense, e’s the one who started it. But that’ I’ve decided, was just a brief fit of insanity. And he probably doesn’t even feel the same way, even though he said he did and not that I feel any way in particular….

I laugh slightly, shaking my head as I look up and wondering who in the world I expect to fool inside my own head. But really, this can’t be right. I just had a silly crush on him back when we first met eleven years ago, that’s all. Then it went away and I had crushes on half my other male friends over the years… usually ending after a few months when I wondered what the hell I was thinking to decide I’d had a crush in the first place. And all of that was just silly teenage stuff anyway, none of it important and none of it really ever acted on – to my vast relief whenever the crush ended. But now we’re adults, and he’s married, and basically I’m not allowed at all to maybe sort of like him in that way. So, basically by “getting my head straightened out,” I mean I should avoid him until it goes away. Because it’s bound to go away; I’m pretty sure of that.

Or at least I would be if it hadn’t sort of been there for the past eleven years. Not always noticeably, of course… almost never noticeably, in fact. But still definitely there. I mean… I never really thought about it much, usually comparing Riley to more of a brother than anything else… but generally that was because he said it first, that I was like a sister. Logan’s like a brother to me… Fitzy is a brother. And I don’t talk to them the same way I talk to Riley, with that half-flirting teasing…. I’m an idiot not to have noticed it before. I just said, repeatedly, to both myself and others that it was just a silly crush when I was sixteen, because at the time I was basically looking for someone to have a crush on. But now that I really think about it… didn’t I just sort of claim that because I knew that’s how it should be, because Riyann was back but Riley wouldn’t let me stop being his friend, so therefore I just pretended? It’s probably not a good sign if I can be such a good actress that I can change my own emotions, but it’s something I’ve noticed before….

Which means, I think with a sigh, lightly tapping the back of my head against the wall of the shack, that this is all screwy.

And I think I’ve changed my mind about running into someone I know. I’m too bloody fickle and confused to figure out anything of this magnitude without someone else’s input. But, the perfect place for self-recriminations happens to be a place where mainly suicidal teenagers go – not helpfully stable adults. So therefore it’s still screwy. Just perfect.

[Ian Hunt]

I really don't know why I'm here, I decide as I head up to the somewhat derelict building.
I never really used to come here that often when I was a student, much preferring to wallow in my own misery in the forest as I liked it there better. And anyway, I was hardly a student for all that long, all things considered.
I've not often come here during my adult life...as honestly, I've had no reason to.
I had no reason to come anywhere near the school until I came home from the whole disappearing act disaster and Poppy'd already started school and I found out the hard way that she liked to blow things up and had trouble concentrating and it became a regular occurrence to be written to and occasionally asked to come in to discuss it if she'd done something particularly bad.
That's calmed down a bit recently.

And she's not in trouble now, so why I should be in Hogsmeade, why I should be anywhere near the shrieking shack, I do not know.
I just need an hour or so...I'd take a few minutes even, where I can go and just be by myself.
I can't really think of anyone I know that would be here. Usually adults don't come up here, and as far as I'm aware this place is usually the spot for messed up teenagers to come and be generally depressed - or at least, that's how it was years ago.
But anyway, this place seems just secluded enough, just quiet and enough of a deterrent to sane people, that when I thought of solitude it was immediately in my head, so I just went with it and now I'm here and I think that I might have been right for once.
It is very quiet and very isolated and very perfect indeed.

Here, there's no frighteningly delicate Maddie insisting that she's not going to break so I need to stop behaving that way. Here, there is no Alex throwing 'I hate you' at me with varying degrees of volume and feeling behind the phrase - but always just enough to make me want to just remove myself from the room until he's gone to do something else. Here, there is no Abby crying the second Maddie's out of her sight, and sometimes just when she's out of her reach. And here, there is no unusually hostile Poppy.
I love my family a great deal, but I really really need to get away from them at the moment, and I just need to get away from civilisation for a moment, so that I can go back home and start afresh as bracingly as I can.

All things considered, I really have little to complain about. Maddie is out of Azkaban, and now that she is, things can start getting better again and everything will be fixed. Eventually.
Just waiting it out is the hard part and I have a feeling I might just have to disappear increasingly more often until things are fixed, which probably won't help at all.
It's all so predictable by now. It'll get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. It always does.
Maybe I shouldn't put so much belief on that claim though. Maybe.

As I round the corner and come to the back of the shack, I hesitate as I see who's also chosen this as a place to come and be...solitary.
I consider turning around and walking off again, going to find another place where there aren't people I know, before I decide I can't really do that. There must be a reason why Arden has chosen to hang around in the resting grounds of suicidal adolescents, and as she is one of my closest friends I can't really just walk away.
"Arden?"

[Arden Patricks]

Hmm... that's different. I raise my eyebrows contemplatively, eyes lightly closed with my head leaning back against the wall in case I decide that I need to literally try and knock some sense into myself again. Somebody actually showed up when I was hoping they might.

And, naturally, I am now not so sure that I want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to admit what I’ve done, even if it does mean getting some nice, sane, rational perspective on it. Because I do still want that. But, on the other hand, I’m really not sure that I want Ian to be the one I discuss this with at the moment.

Whatever sort of muscle or nerve or area of the brain is responsible for feelings of guilt has been going into overdrive lately. First I feel guilty about going to see Logan when really he deserves and I shouldn’t care anymore. Then I feel guilty about not going to see him, or Maddie for that matter when she was imprisoned because I didn’t want to deal with that. And then I feel guilty about fighting with Fitzy over his daughter, both of us insisting that the other person take her. What if she were older, and understood us? How would that feel?

And of course, I feel guilty about the whole situation with Riley and all its implications… including, possibly stupidly, the feeling that I’m cheating on Travis. So… I don’t know why, exactly, but I really don’t want to mention any of that to Ian. Not when Maddie’s just got out of prison and all, so he’s either overjoyed or still worried sick because she’s probably not at her best, so either way I shouldn’t burden him with my own stupidity.

But that doesn’t mean I should ignore him, of course, so I look up and smile slightly, somewhat puzzled. “That would be me,” I nod. “And what in heaven’s name are you doing out here?”

((Ugh… sorry if it’s a little bit disjointed.))

[Ian Hunt]

"I could ask you the same question," I reply, raising an eyebrow bemusedly.
I'm not entirely sure what could possibly be wrong at the moment, but maybe that is because things have suddenly picked up a little for me and I can finally see an end to this and things will get back to normal, content, boring...how've they've been for the most part, for quite a while.

I'm not sure that she wants to me to stick around or whether she'd prefer it if I just left, and I'm not sure what I want to do either.
I feel that I really should hang around here and press the matter until I find out why she's subjected herself to sitting behind the shrieking shack and what's wrong, but then again I also don't want to pry, nor am I completely sure I want to know what's wrong in the first place because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to help.
I never really can.

"Is...everything alright?" I ask almost hesitantly after a moment.

[it's beautiful dear.]

[Arden Patricks]

"Fine," I shrug, sighing very slightly and shaking my head. I really could use some nice, sane input on my idiocy, and knowing me there's just no chance that I'll keep quiet when there's something on my mind... but that doesn't mean that I'll spout it off right away, before I've figured out his state of mind so I can phrase it all properly.

"I'm just... reliving some lovely old memories," I add, glancing upward and behind me at the shack. This is the place where I told Rowan Hunt to please go off and die again, just before he actually did... the place where I told my mother not to bother pretending we're related... and the place where I finally realized that I really wasn't Logan's friend anymore... among other things. Good, lovely, wonderful times....
"But you didn't answer the question... want to sit down? You're tall enough as it is."

[Ian Hunt]

"Sorry," I incline my head very slightly, then sort of sink awkwardly down next to her, with my back against the shack and my knees sort of only half bent because I don't quite know how sitting here is going to be comfortable. It probably isn't, I wouldn't really know, as I don't often frequent this place.

It only strikes me as odd that I've just apologised for being tall and I shake my head briefly, wryly, and pretend that I didn't just do that. It's really not my fault, but then again, neither are a lot of the things I apologise for. I can't seem to stop apologising lately, because if I say I'm sorry enough times then things will be fixed and it won't matter. It tends to make things worse when I stubbornly refuse to say that I'm sorry, so hopefully it'll make things better if I say it excessively.
It's just another little thing that has become lodged in my head as absolute fact, even if the logic has now sort of faded away.

"Reliving old memories...doesn't sound so lovely to me, especially if you're reliving memories here," I shrug, again awkwardly because my shoulders are pressed against the shack now.
Hopefully the shrug will also count as an answer to her question, as I honestly don't know why I'm here, so a half-hearted not-quite-shrug will have to do as answer enugh.

[Arden Patricks]

"That's true," I shrug, glancing up at the shack again, after raising my eyebrows but not commenting on his apology. We could have a pointless argument over pointless apologies, but there wouldn't be much point. I also notice that he still doesn't say why he's here, but I decide not to press it. Maybe if I hadn't insisted on asking Riley what was on his mind even though he said to drop it, I wouldn't be in this little mess.

"I guess... I'm really just here..." I shrug, deciding not to say just yet, especially as I'm not quite certain what to say. "Just thinking, tell you later. How're things?"

[Ian Hunt]

I nod slightly, deciding that I'm going to hold her to that but that it's unnecessary to say that out loud.
I will hold her to that, and she will tell me later. Or at least, that's how my intentions are now. My intentions are pretty subject to change.

"Things are pretty good. Just...repairing themselves, I guess," I shrug again lightly, and lean my head back against the shack.
I'm not exactly enthusiastic about this, as I'm a little doubtful to start with, but I'm pretty hopeful that they will, in that way that I'm hardly daring to hope even though I know that things will work out as they always do.
That was slightly confusing.
"How are things with you?"

[Arden Patricks]

I nod. I suppose I expected as much, but it's good to have it confirmed that it's not awful. I might press for details, I suppose, but then that might be taken as avoiding his question. As it is, I have to mull it over for a moment before answering.

"They're... all right." I nod. "Just... a little screwy. I've done something stupid, as per usual." I shrug. If he wants to ask he can, and if not I can leave it at.

[Ian Hunt]

"Aha," I frown ever so slightly, then manage to smooth my expression as best I can, because it appears that now I am triumphant and that she is going to tell me, which is good because otherwise I might forget.
"What have you done?"
I don't really want to phrase it that way...I think I'd rather say 'what's happened?' or something along those lines, but I suppose I'll just have to ask in a way that fits what she's said in the first place or it might not make sense.

[Arden Patricks]

I raise my eyebrows slightly yet again, as there's something very strange about his saying 'aha' as if I'm a kid and he's just ferreted out a confession. But then I have to try and answer so there's little time to be thinking of how strange he is. I shrug slightly, looking down at my interlaced hands.

"Oh, nothing in particular. Kissed a married man. But you'd have some experience with that sort of thing, wouldn't you?"

I don't intend for this to sound bad, striving mostly for excessively casual and then not even sure where the last sentence comes from though I'm pretty sure it does sound bad. I don't look up from my hands.

[Ian Hunt]

I nearly wince at that, because that stung a little bit, even if I'd rather not admit it.
And also I have a rather strange and highly immature urge to mutter that I have no experience with kissing married men, even if I know exactly what she means in the first place.
This urge is sort of dwarfed by the abruptly surprising stinging quality of that last remark, coupled with the general surprise of the first part.

"You kissed a married man?"
I find it hard to even consider Arden having any sort of romantic relations with anyone, apart from those few years where she was with Travis, because that seemed just sort of...alright in my head, but Arden kissing married men just doesn't really...compute.
"Who?"
Maybe I shouldn't be asking about this as if I'm so curious but I really can't help it. This is still not quite connecting up yet, and I need it to make a little more sense before I can even react properly.

[Arden Patricks]

I can't help raising my eyebrows yet again at that, forgetting that I planned to not look up. But I suppose that it's a perfectly valid question, and I shrug, sighing lightly again and looking back down at my hands.
"Riley Pearson." I shrug again, shaking my head. I'm pretty sure that they know each other, at least vaguely, so at least I don't have to explain who he is or any of that sort of thing.

[Ian Hunt]

I have to swallow the urge to laugh at that, but I'm not even sure why it's amusing. It's not really amusing at all, and I shouldn't consider it as such.
Infidelity is...not good, I've learnt that by now.
And Riley's married with two kids...so it's worse than being just married or anything, and I should probably say something, but I'm not sure if the really inappropriate amusement is gone yet.
So I clear my throat slightly, and hope that I've not shown any of this in my expression, before finally saying, "Ah," rather carefully and nodding sort of...empathetically at least.
I can safely say I empathise at least.

[Arden Patricks]

"I don't know what either of us was thinking," I mutter after a moment, shaking my head and then banging it back against the wall of the shack once, closing my eyes. "Or at least I don't know what the hell he was thinking, because I never would've...." I shake my head again, then shrug and actually look at him. "Sorry... you don't want to hear this. I've just been an idiot and now I just have to avoid him for a while... or forever... and then it will all be fine."

[Ian Hunt]

"That won't help any. It'll just get worse," I shake my head, "Way more confused."
Although...I don't really know what would be the right thing to do. Talking it out is much easier said than done, and doing it again is out of the question because Riley is married with two kids so it'd be very wrong.
I'm struck now by how I'm such a hypocrite, but ignore that.
"So...you just kissed him...nothing further...?"
I feel very intrusive asking this, especially asking Arden this, and also sort of cripplingly awkward but I don't know...it's sort of important, I suppose.
And I really don't know what I should say, but I really think I should say something and also try and be reasonably helpful.

[Arden Patricks]

"No, nothing further," I say, shaking my head, and looking down at my hands again... though I don't know what I'd actually say if we had done anything further. "We just... kissed a few times, which is really bad enough. But how can it get worse?"

I do have to admit that now I think about it, Ian probably is the best person to talk this over with. As much as he's a better, less idiotic person now, he certainly does have experience with this sort of thing, and is certainly more helpful than any of my other friends probably would be.

[Ian Hunt]

I just shrug in response to the question.
It can get way worse because things can get even more messed up and people will get even more confused and-...it can be worse.
Like Shell and I spent...months, or was it a year or maybe even longer? I don't even recall that well, but it was a long time trying to potentially avoid each other and then lapsing occasionally and Vi and Sam and then I was a complete idiot and tried to cut her out of my life altogether and then got over it and needed my best friend back, and now things still get a little awkward occasionally.
So it can be worse.

"Why did you do it?" I ask, tilting my head slightly as I glance back at her.
I suppose I can't really see her doing it just out of curiousity, or for the thrill or something. So I guess it must be...something else, which just muddles things up further and I hope she's aware that she's made things very hard for herself because I really don't want to point that out.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug, looking down at the grass because my hands have ceased to be entertaining but I don't think I can look up at this point. I consider a question in response, something nice and mildly snippy and vague like, 'Why do you think?' but then I decide to actually consider the question instead, and I come up with the answer that I thought of just a bit ago while thinking to myself.

"Because apparently I've been deluding myself for eleven years when I thought that it was just a brief, silly, teenage crush like I had on half my other friends. I don't know." I shrug slightly, not sure now I've said it whether that made sense.

[Ian Hunt]

I shift slightly, once again uncomfortably awkward by the line of conversation. But I suppose I brought it upon myself by asking in the first place and should maybe have stopped questioning her a while back.
So I just sort of incline my head in what could be a sluggish nod and remain silent.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to ask, and my input probably is not welcome anyway as I'm really not so good at handling with these situations - as is evident by my appallingly carried out track record of infidelity.
I don't know...it's up to her if she wants to say anything more about it or not.

[Arden Patricks]

"Sorry," I say after a moment when he doesn't reply. "You probably don't want to know that."
Then again, he did ask. But still, I think I might quite like to change the subject in a moment.

[Ian Hunt]

"No, it's alright," I shrug slightly, "I just don't know what to say."
I'd really quite like to help, considering all the times she's helped me, but I really have no idea how I'm supposed to do that.

[Arden Patricks]

"It's fine." I laugh slightly, because I can't even imagine how many times I've said those exact words, but they sound kind of funny coming from him. "It was my... I screwed up, and I'll figure it out. Just needed some perspective so you've been very helpful."

[Ian Hunt]

I raise an eyebrow at her when she laughs, as I'm not entirely sure what she's laughing at, but sort of decide against asking. Maybe it's best if I don't know, because she might have unhinged herself or something.
"I didn't do anything helpful," I shrug again, as all I've done is ask a couple of semi-intrusive questions and shrugged a lot.

[Arden Patricks]

"You kept me from having to discuss this with one of the trees or something," I shrug. "How often do I have to tell you just how helpful talking can be?"
Pretty much anytime I want to try and coax him into telling me what else has gone wrong in his life, really. But it was mostly a rhetorical question.

[Ian Hunt]

I have to stifle a brief grin at this, because I have a really strange mental picture of her trying to discuss this with a tree, which is probably very inappropriate and very immature and maybe I should stop hanging around with children so much because it's doing weird things to my brain.
"I don't know. The trees might be more responsive than I am," I shrug again, "But yes, I'm pretty sure you've told me that talking is helpful a few times."

[Arden Patricks]

"I asked you how often I have to, not how often I have," I point out, raising my eyebrows, then laugh slightly. "And if that's true about the trees I think I'll need more mental help than you do."

[Ian Hunt]

"Sorry, wasn't paying attention enough," I shake my head, then grin wryly, "You do need more mental help than I do. Definitely."

[Arden Patricks]

I raise my eyebrows at that as well, trying to gauge how serious he is before I determine how insulted I should be. "And why is that?"

[Ian Hunt]

"Because I think that at least someone should be more unbalanced than I am," I nod firmly, as if this reason is completely valid.