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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 2:40:27 GMT
I haven't felt this bad since... I don't even know. Did it feel this awful the first time we split up? It might have, but I'm pretty sure it didn't. At least it was inevitable then, and a sensible mutual decision rather than my own fucking stupidity. And I know I broke down, I know I was a mess, because I'm a weak, silly little girl and so I always break down when things like this happen. But I don't think I've felt this bad since Travis died.
And that's kind of funny, because one of the few things I've managed is to go and see Travis to tell him that I'm sorry but I love someone else. I didn't let on that I was an idiot and so that someone else finally had enough and left me, but other than that I told the truth. And then I went back home and cried some more.
The other main thing that I've done is go to work - since it's a hell of a lot easier to sort through mail when you've got a broken heart than it is to steer old ladies to the romance books and help small children with school projects. The mail doesn't need me to smile, and it doesn't try and ask me how I am. So, other than Travis and a few coworkers that I haven't even gotten to know yet, I've had pretty much zero human interaction. I think I prefer it that way.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 3:00:39 GMT
The small anxious feeling I've had the last few days seemed to be growing at a slightly alarming rate. For some reason, the first day that I ran into Logan and found out about what Arden was doing, I wasn't too concerned. And now, I just felt like I should be concerned, I mean, why wasn't I concerned before? Sure, she just cut her finger, but what if she'd moved on to somewhere more important? I should be more concerned about it... And now it was pretty much all I could think about.
I wish that I had a reason to go over there... to make sure that she was okay, because this was sort of my fault, somehow, that she started this whole.. cutting herself business. But I didn't really want to go over there, I didn't want to see Logan and well, I just didn't want to. I would probably just make it worse.
But maybe if I had a reason to go over there, then I wouldn't be causing as much damage? I wasn't even positive if that made sense at the moment... But I did know that my wand had been missing for a while.. so maybe I somehow left it there, at Arden's place, last time I was here?
And that was why I was standing here right now in front of her door. Actually, I'd been standing here a few moments trying to decide whether or not I should knock on the door, or just leave. After a couple minutes though, I just stopped thinking and knocked a bit hesitently on the door, biting my lip a bit, hoping that Arden would be the one to asnwer it.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 3:10:54 GMT
I'm ion the middle of unnecessarily washing the dishes when I hear the knock on the door. I mean, granted, they were all dusty from sitting there unused... but they'll just get dusty again before they're used. I don't plan on having company anytime soon. Including now. But I suppose I should go get that.
I pause with a plate I've just rinsed suspended in the air, contemplating that. Well, yes, I suppose I still should... but I don't think I actually want to. The door is open, anyway, if they just want to stop by. But if there's any chance that whoever it is might be deterred, then I'm certainly not going to answer.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 3:17:54 GMT
No one came to the door. Actually, I don't think that I even heard anyone inside. So I could take this one of two ways. The rational way being that she's not home.. possibly at work, and maybe Logan's the only home, or that just no one is home. Or I could see it the slightly irrational way and think that she's gone and cut herself again or something and she's lying dead on the floor. So obviously, my mind jumps right to the irrational thought and after a moment of biting my lip, thought that maybe I should just go inside.
I reached for the door knob and hesitated for a short moment before opening the door. I stepped inside the house, looking around a bit before shutting the door behind me. "Hello?" I asked as the door quietly clicked shut. "Arden?" I bit my lip again, feeling slightly weird about just walking inside and still a bit uneasy about the thought that caused me to come inside in the first place.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 3:29:00 GMT
I sigh very faintly over the dishes when I hear my name being called, tears inexplicably springing to my eyes. What the hell? I mean... I know that I've been crying a lot lately, but why now?
"I'm in here," I call after a moment without turning around, then running a bit of cold water to wipe my eyes with. They're too raw to just wipe on my sleeve otherwise.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 3:35:21 GMT
I heard her call from the kitchen, and feeling a small wave of relief rush over me, I started my way over to where she called from. I saw her standing in front of the sink and bit my lip a little bit again. "Hey.." I said after a short moment. For a minute I think I forgot the reason I was here, so right now, that's the only word I seemed to get out.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 3:39:53 GMT
I half-glance over my shoulder, not actually seeing him but enough to acknowledge his presence.
"Hey," I say quietly in return, sighing slightly. "What're you doing here? Everything all right?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 3:44:07 GMT
I nearly said hey back agian, but stopped myself when I realized that I was the one who said that in the first place. I paused again and shook my head slightly even though she wasn't facing me to see the action. "Um.." I started after a moment. "Yeah, everything's fine." Is everything all right with you? I thought in my head before continuing. "I just haven't seen my wand for a while, was wondering if maybe you saw it lying around here?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 3:50:48 GMT
"Oh...." I frown slightly, pausing. Right. that would explain it. "No, 'fraid I haven't. And I've been doing a lot of cleaning lately so I'm sure I would have noticed."
And if that's all you're here for, you can leave now.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 3:55:30 GMT
I nodded a little bit, "Ah, alright." I said after another moment before sighing quietly to myself. So I guess now this was my cue to leave?
Too bad I wasn't exactly ready to be leaving yet. So instead of turning around and saying I would see her later, I walked over to her, leaning against the counter. "So um.. Everything alright with you?" I asked her a little bit later.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 4:01:11 GMT
The first thing out of my mouth is a brief, ironic laugh before I shrug, turning away from him slightly while I dry my hands on the dish towel, mostly for something to look at other than him. "I'm fine. How're you?" Or did I already ask that?
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 4:14:41 GMT
She laughed for a moment and I raised my eyebrow for a short moment at it. To me, that meant that no, everything was not all right, but then she said she was fine, so maybe I was just jumping to conclusions in the first place. "Um.. Not in the same words..." I shrugged a little bit. "I'm alright, I guess."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 4:17:44 GMT
I nod, twitching my shoulders slightly to simultaneously demonstrate both discomfort and a lack of response. I wish he would just leave now. Or maybe ask me again so that I can tell the truth.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 4:21:38 GMT
It was silent for a couple minutes, or at least what felt like minutes and I thought that I should maybe speak up again. "So um.. I actually just came here to see if you were alright.. And I would leave you alone now, but I don't think that I'm completely sure you're okay..." I ended up coming out with and then bit my lip slightly, looking over to her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 4:26:21 GMT
Ah... so that's why he's really here. I guess that makes me feel better than if it was just because of his wand.
"... Was that a question?" I ask after a moment, not about to just come out and say, 'no, you're right; I'm not at all okay.' I'm guessing he's getting that idea from the fact I still won't look at him.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 4:29:38 GMT
"More or less, yeah," I said with a small nod, looking over to her again to see that she still hadn't looked up to me. Which was one reason in itself why I wasn't convinced she was okay. "Was a question.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 4:33:53 GMT
"Well, in that case..." I sigh again, shoulders slumping. "No, I guess I'm not really okay. Thank you for your concern and all, but you can go now."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 4:38:44 GMT
I nodded faintly, slightly satifisfied that I even got that much out of her. But I shook my head faintly when she said that I could leave. "It's my job.." I said with a weak and short sort of chuckle. ".. You know me better than that, Arden.." I added talking about how she should know I wouldn't just leave. "I'm guessing you don't wanna talk about it?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 4:52:16 GMT
"I... I don't know," I shrug, absently picking up a dish again and starting to clean it just for something to do. I guess I do know him better than that, though.
"... Logan... took off," I add after a moment, trying to keep my voice steady. "Guess he had enough."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 4:55:37 GMT
I nodded faintly again, just deciding to stay quiet for a bit to see if she does decide to say something. The last thing I wanted to do was interrupt her and then have her not say anything at all.
I bit my lip and looked back to her when she answered though. "Oh.." I guess that's not really something that Logan would tell me anyway, but I am still a bit surprized for some reason. "Maybe... Maybe he'll be back... He does that sometimes, right?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 5:01:22 GMT
"I seriously doubt it," I say quietly, shaking my head. "And he doesn't just leave. I mean, he goes wandering, but... I was an idiot, Riley. Everything was fine, perfectly fine, but I drove him away because I'm a fickle idiot whore."
I dab at my eyes as surreptitiously as I can with the edge of my sleeve, then get back to washing the dishes.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 5:06:45 GMT
Now I was fairly confused. ".. Oh.." I paused again and then shook my head faintly, "It still doesn't mean he won't come back though.. maybe he just needs some time."
Then again, I didn't really know what happened. "... Do you mind if I ask though?" I added a moment later. "We haven't done anything, so..." I stopped and shook my head faintly again. So who were you messing around with?
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 5:13:00 GMT
"Oh...." Right, I guess he wouldn't know about that, how I could be a fickle idiot in the first place. I shrug slightly, though it feels slightly disrespectful to introduce this sort of news with a shrug.
"Travis showed up the other day. Turns out he's not dead and was just being a jerk letting me think that he was for three years. So then I spent three days idiotically agonizing over whether I want to be with him, made the mistake of telling that to Logan, and then realized that no, I really don't. So here we are."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 13:59:55 GMT
She said oh and I just kept my eyes on her and waited for her reply. I really could not think of anyone else she would do that with... in fact, I even feel like she's said before how there really wasn't anyone else. I watched her shrug and let myself look away for a moment or two. And that's why I heard her say Travis. I tuned my head back toward her and shook my head a little bit. Travis? I thought before thinking somewhere in my mind that she may have gone a bit crazy... or gotten somewhat confused, maybe? Then again, it's not like poeple haven't been known for coming back to life around here. She continued speaking and I nodded faintly, still not saying anything. "I.. um.." I paused again, "Wow... Travis?" I asked again, almost not being able to believe this. "He's not dead?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 16:49:15 GMT
"No... I guess he's not." I shake my head, then shrug. "Just figures, right? I mean... I'd be thrilled about this, if he didn't have such lousy timing."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 16:52:40 GMT
I sighed and nodded, "Yeah.." I said a bit quietly. It definitely does suck, I could give her that. ".. I think I'd still be pretty thrilled if I were you though.." I paused again and shrugged. "But I understand the timing... That does really suck.."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 16:59:22 GMT
I wince slightly, realizing how that sounded, and shrug again. "Dammit... don't get me wrong, I guess I am. It's just... kind of hard to tell beneath the fact I'm furious with him for letting me go through that, and at myself for getting confused over this. It's not that I'd rather he was dead."
No, not at all, considering the thought makes my heart plummet even lower than it already is. It would just be so much simpler if he never came back.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 17:22:35 GMT
"You shouldn't be mad at yourself though." I said shaking my head faintly, "I know it's sort of hard not to, but it's really a horrible situation.. I went through the same thing.." A couple times..
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 29, 2009 17:25:39 GMT
"What, having a loved one come back from the dead just when you finally moved on?" I ask, looking at him puzzledly. I mean... I know Riyann died or pretended to twice, but he vener moved on during that... at least as far as I recall. "And I'm an idiot. I have every reason to hate myself right now, because if I hadn't been such an idiot he'd still be here."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 29, 2009 17:33:13 GMT
"Well... without the moving on part..." I said with a faint shrug. I guess it's not really the same though. "But I can imagine..." I added a bit quieter with a faint shrug.
"You're not an idiot.." I said with a faint sigh. "... Who'd still be here? Are you talking about Logan?"
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