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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 23, 2009 0:53:38 GMT
I think that it's been long enough for me to be allowed to go for a walk by myself. Well, I didn't for sure know if it was, but I felt alright, so I figured it would be okay. I was... am... a healer, I should be able to tell myself when I can and cannot do things. I mean, it wouldn't be good if I got hit by another car or something of that sort, but I wasn't planning on it, and I was actually being fairly careful.
The last visit with Arden was... awkward, to say the least. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it was. I shouldn't have even gone to see her yet. Once I got there and we started talking, I was ready to leave again. I sort of wish I let myself leave when I first thought about it. Then it wouldn't have had to be awkward.. and well, we would still not be talking and maybe it would be better that way.
But as soon as I thought that I just shook my head to myself. I couldn't believe that right now, and I just wanted to get the whole apology thing out of the way and over with... which I did.. and I think that I meant it. And now I think I definitely felt a bit better about.. well, her, to put it simply. At least now if she somehow herself got hit by a bus, I wouldn't feel as.. guilty? I wasn't even sure if that was the right word.
I didn't feel like thinking about it anymore though.. so I tried not to and just kept walking down the somewhat empty street. It wasn't the nicest day out.. sort of cloudy, sprinkling on and off every once in a while... I didn't really mind it right now though.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 23, 2009 1:24:53 GMT
I like to think I can tell the difference between my frames of mind. I like to think that I know when I'm happy...or my substitute for happy, the not-sad-or-angry sort of feeling anyway and I like to think that I know when I'm not happy. I like to think I know when I'm close to snapping and when my tolerance can be pushed.
However, it's starting to become clear that maybe I don't entirely know the difference between my moods.
Maybe it's just that I'm a little bit...subject to change, that I have fairly violent and volatile mood swings and thus can be forgiven for not knowing how I'm feeling from one moment to the next. Then again, maybe I'm just obtuse and a little bit slow and that's why. I've also considered willful ignorance, that my subconscious has taken on a 'fuck that, I don't even want to know what's going on' sort of approach to myself.
Well, whatever it is. I'm starting to understand where all the 'unbalanced' and 'dangerous' sorts of labels I've had applied to me come from.
I'm also starting to come to the conclusion, that maybe I should just not be allowed around other people...full stop. But particularly muggles, so maybe this is a bad place to be, although the street is largely empty.
My mood, abstract as a whole and refusing to take form, could be anything from light-hearted to predatory...and considering the recent prolonged dwellings and wishful reminiscing on sadism, maybe it's a bad idea for me to be here. Maybe I should just go home.
Actually, maybe I should have turned and started going home about two seconds ago, because I suddenly catch sight of Riley and that's...that's bothersome. Is that the right word? Bothersome? Or could it be described as something else? More of an 'extreme hatred' today?
It varies, where Riley's concerned and he gets inexplicably moved up and down in my estimation a lot, from nuisance to being despised, from casual enemy to arch nemesis.
Today I think I'm leaning more towards arch nemesis, especially when my mind jumps back to a certain recent experience with Arden's self-mutilation and the one huge detail that jumps out is that he spoke to her before...that she mentioned him specifically.
So I've called sharply over to him, before thinking it through obviously, "Pearson!"
There's not many people on this street and not much noise, so he can't have not heard and there can't be any mistake over who I'm talking to.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 23, 2009 1:34:33 GMT
My head shot up at the sudden calling of my name and I looked over in the direction it came from. Of course I'm going to run into Logan. When do I ever go for a walk and not run into him?
I should've went home.. I should've stayed home in the first place. Actually, I should probably just run away now or apparate or something because I'm guessing that whatever happens from now on is not going to be very pleasant. Not to mention I'm still sort of healing. I felt okay, but I wasn't one hundred percent just yet.
And the way he called my name... well, that didn't exactly sound friendly.
But for some reason, instead of doing any of the things I thought about for that brief moment, I just turned toward him and stayed where I was as I looked over.
Was I supposed to say something? Or just stand here and wait for him to come over? I was guessing that he had something to say though.. or maybe he would've left me alone.
"What do you want, Andrews?" I asked a few moments later, trying to stay calm and putting my hands in my pockets.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 23, 2009 1:46:33 GMT
"What did you say to her? What did you fucking do, you prat?"
Hm, that wasn't particularly articulate...it was pretty low brow, actually, but my head has wound itself up in a very strange place lately anyway so it's not as if I particularly care.
And it's not as if I require an answer, not as if I need him to reply as I head over to him. I know the answer anyway, that he apologised even though she screwed him over...or something.
I think I just want him to know what he did, what he caused. That she's started mutilating her fingers because he's an idiot...and she has an extraordinary ability to make everything her fault and then cut herself with scissors because she 'deserves it'. But that is, and will always be, irrelevant because he really does make a very convenient scapegoat.
I accept this, on some level, but mostly I think I'm just annoyed and can throw that into whole-heartedly believing it's his fault.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 23, 2009 1:56:21 GMT
I raised my eyebrows slightly as he walked over, when I heard his questions. I was guessing that he meant Arden and I just shook my head faintly. I didn't do anything to her. I apologized to her.. I, unnecessarily apologized, actually. That's not a bad thing is it?
"I didn't do anything to her." I said shaking my head faintly in a bit of worry and confusion. I don't really want him very close to me when he's mad like this.. and well, I started to feel a bit more worried about my own well-being.
And now I was wondering if something was wrong with her. Or if she went and did something stupid. ".. Why?" I asked a moment later.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 23, 2009 11:38:35 GMT
"Yeah, of course you fucking didn't."
Maybe it'd be a good idea to calm down and be a little bit rational, but the past few days have really sucked and I need a bit of an outlet.
And I do think there's a small reason to be ticked, considering the evidence...however loosely connected up it is.
"Because she decided it'd be a good idea to cut open her finger, that's why. After you came to talk to her. So what the fuck did you do?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 23, 2009 13:56:00 GMT
Okay, this wasn't making much sense to me right now. What didn't I do then? I think I was really missing something with this whole conversation and I wish he would just explain why he seems so upset.
He did answer my second question thought and I raised my eyebrows faintly, shaking my head and feeling a bit sick as well. Cut open her finger? On purpose? I just shook my head again, "I told you, I didn't do anything. I came over and I apologized.. not much a reason for her to start doing that."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 23, 2009 21:09:08 GMT
Right...because you have no fucking backbone? Because apologising is apparently a feasible reaction to getting fucked around?
Fuck, that drives me crazy as it is because I can't stand that sort of attitude...but it's also still his fault, because...it's always his fault, because I don't have any other scapegoats and it really is easy to blame him. Especially when I know he was there just before she decided to do that.
I thought I knew where I was going with this, but I don't. I guess I just wanted to snap and now I'm done. Or maybe I'm just mid-mood swing or something and suddenly don't want to argue, or even respond.
At least he knows, I guess, and I hope it plays on his mind...but I don't want to be here anymore so I just shake my head briefly and make to move past him instead, being sure to clip my shoulder as hard as possible against his on the way.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 24, 2009 11:20:03 GMT
But I guess the point is that this is somehow my fault. I wasn't even really sure how it was. What did I say to her to make her want to do that? Was she going to do it again? What if it really was my fault?
There were too many questions swarming through my head and I actually didn't even notice that he was walking past me until he knocked into my shoulder when he walked past me. I think that was a but uncalled for... then again, it was Logan, so maybe it wasn't.
I should also note that he did this with quite a bit of force and not expecting it, I lost my balance, and got pushed to he side a bit more than I probably should have. Not to mention, that actually quite hurt.
"What the fuck, Logan." I said turning around to face him. I was going to say something after that, but I really couldn't think all too well at the moment and I wanted to make sure that she was okay... and that she wasn't going to do it again.. not that he probably knew that. I also sort of wanted to know why he was walking away.
I apologized so nothing bad would happen.. so we could be okay.. and now it seems that I've just messed things up even more.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 24, 2009 17:45:02 GMT
Ha, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. I really don't. I can't even remember what I was thinking when I even bothered talking to him, because on retrospect it doesn't make all that much sense.
Oh yes, because it's somehow his fault that Arden did that. Because I like blaming him and it's always a nice outlet to snap at someone, particularly someone I don't like, but now I'm done...and really, I don't think I did make all that much sense.
Fuck it.
So I just shrug at him in response, forgetting for a moment that I'm on my way away from here, until it comes back but then I don't get why I was walking away either.
'What the fuck?' is really a rather good question all in all, so maybe he should get some points for that.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 24, 2009 18:12:04 GMT
I shook my head slightly, trying to ignore small ache that was radiating from my shoulder. I didn't think it would actually end up hurting.. I can officially say that I never want to be hit by another car again.. though I think I might have been able to say that before as well.
"Why would me apologizing and talking to her make her do that?" I asked a moment later, almost thinking that this whole thing really wasn't my fault, which I actually surprised myself with a bit.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 24, 2009 18:18:37 GMT
"Well I don't know, but nothing else fucking happened that could have made her. I came home and she's doing that, and oh coincidentally Riley stopped by earlier. What the hell would you have thought?"
I don't know how much of that made sense out loud, or if I forgot to convert that from thought format into speech format but that's essentially the gist of it.
But nothing else did happen, nothing else did happen to help trigger self-mutilation...so that's the only thing I can think of, the only thing she really mentioned had happened lately...so that's where the connection comes from, that somehow it must be his fault.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 24, 2009 18:32:58 GMT
"It's not like I told her to do it though." I said shaking my head a little bit. "I really don't understand her." I said a bit more quietly to myself a small moment later as I shook my head again. "She's alright though?" I asked back to him, crossing my arms infront of my chest as I looked back to him.
I was sort of relieved though, that it was only her finger and not somewhere that could have possibly killed her.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 24, 2009 18:56:48 GMT
"Ha." I mutter, half-bitter and half...I don't know, empathetic I guess, because I don't understand her either and I'm glad I'm not the only one.
"She's fine, physically."
Mentally, clearly not, because there's something very wrong with taking a pair of scissors to yourself.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 24, 2009 19:24:18 GMT
I shrugged a bit uncomfortably and looked away from him for a moment.
I nodded as he said that she was okay and looked back at him. "Well, does she seem alright mentally?" I asked, feeling sort of weird asking that question. I think maybe I was still feeling sort of bitter towards her or something, because I feel like I should be a lot more worried than I actually am. "I mean, when you left, she seemed stable?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 24, 2009 19:32:32 GMT
"Well I don't think cutting up one's fingers is potentially fatal, so stable or not...she'll be fine." I answer with a faint shrug.
I guess I should be more worried than that maybe, take a different attitude to self-harm than just letting her get on with it as long as she doesn't die, but I really can't be bothered. I didn't really pay much attention to whether she stable or not before I left. I'm distracted as it is, so that's my excuse for that at least.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 24, 2009 19:35:25 GMT
"What happens when she runs out of fingers then?" I asked him after he shrugged. "You're actually letting her go on with this?" I asked shaking my own head faintly for a small moment.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 24, 2009 19:41:26 GMT
"Well, then she'll have to get creative and find some other part of her body to mutilate." I mutter, shrugging again and then roll my eyes. "What else am I supposed to do? Confiscate everything sharp?"
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Post by Riley Pearson on Apr 24, 2009 19:43:10 GMT
"No shit." I said shaking my head again. "That's what I'm getting at. It may be fingers now, but what if she moves to somewhere actually dangerous?" I asked him, feeling a bit more annoyed with him right now.
I shrugged, "I don't know."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 26, 2009 18:39:42 GMT
I shrug indifferently in response.
And maybe that was a little callous, but it's not as if I don't give a shit that he raises a good point. It's not as if I don't care if she moves on to somewhere more dangerous, not as if I don't care now...but short of confiscating all sharp objects or enforcing round the clock supervision, you can't force help on someone. So it's her own problem.
But still, I can blame him if I want and I think that's why this conversation even started.
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