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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 15:54:32 GMT
It doesn't help matters that my head hurts, but maybe there's a reason for that. Like the fact that I've spent the three hours since talking to Riley just wandering around. Walking too much can give you a headache, right?
Or maybe it's karmic payback for what I did to him... though you'd kind of think karma would do something worse. I mean, what's a headache compared to breaking someone's heart? It's mainly just annoying, really, distracting me from worrying where the hell Logan is, because I told him I was going to go and see Riley and I intended to be back right away but then I wandered instead and gave myself a headache and now he isn't here. Of course that wouldn't mean anything normally... but I just hope he doesn't jump to any conclusions, so I want him to come home so I can reassure him.
But it's hard to worry too much when there are stabbing pains behind your eyes every few seconds, so instead I'm standing in the kitchen pressing ice to my forehead so that once I feel better physically I can start to feel worse emotionally. Because I do deserve to hurt, just not with something silly like a headache.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 16:33:11 GMT
My mood is just not matching up with anything that's going on around or has happened recently. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this sort of jittery, amused exhilaration...that it just doesn't match with the whole torture, near-assault situation I've just got away from and the fact that I know Arden is out talking with Riley right now.
Or she was, but that was ages ago, and I got sick of hanging around waiting for her to come back and went out...and that didn't fare too well.
So really my mood should be pretty low, overall. Worried probably, paranoid as well...and generally irritated, but I guess I'm either sick of feeling that way or I really am the sort of messed up individual that finds torture so amusing that it cancels out everything else.
It's not exactly pleasant either, because it hurts like fuck. Or not quite that bad because it's faded a little...but it really does hurt and my chest feels tight so breathing isn't all that nice right now, and I'm getting very bored of walking because I've had to slow down considerably.
And the closer I get, the more the inexplicable exhiliration fades and is replaced with the worry that it was blocking out. It's probably entirely rational to be concerned, to already have mentally gone through the scenario where I get told she's cheated again, changed her mind.
And then this whole thing would be pointless, the whole talk with the clearly crazy Shelby-Ruby-whoever-the-fuck-she-is-today would be pointless because I could have just kissed her and it wouldn't have mattered and then the mental bitch wouldn't have tortured me and put me in this strange mood...and vast amount of pain.
The pain which is seeming less amusing by the minute and more of a hindrance the longer it stays, more of an added annoyance on top of the general paranoid anxiety and bringing my mood back down to as low as it should have been all along.
Lovely.
Which is why when I do let myself in, I can't be bothered to check around for her. This could be because I'm trying to delay the inevitable 'I've changed my mind again' that I'm fairly sure I'm going to get, or it could be that sitting down just sounds a lot more appealing and sort of necessary right now. So I pretty much ignore her when I catch sight of her standing in the kitchen and head straight for the couch
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 16:42:49 GMT
I think the ice is helping... has helped... by the time I hear the door open and glance down the hallway to see that he's staying in the living room. All right then. I'm still a little hesitant to impose if he doesn't want me there, because of all the things we've done to each other in this messed-up relationship of ours, telling him I don't want to be with him anymore and that I cheated yet again was probably one of the worst. But it's like I have any reason to or interest in avoiding him, so after a moment I head through to the front room as well.
"Hey," I say quietly, nodding in greeting as I sit on the other end of the couch and turn to face him. "Where've you been?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 16:57:16 GMT
"Walk." I reply with a very slight shrug.
I guess whatever's going on internally translates through to 'monosyllabic' externally. Or maybe it's just general exhaustion, or just resignation...whatever it is, it's not helped along by the brief spasm of pain that accompanies the shrug.
I have to pause then, work up a little bit of nerve before I can ask, "So how'd it go with Riley?"
And when am I moving out?
And I don't know when the fuck I got so pessimistic or so set in the idea that she's going to pick him over me.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 17:01:53 GMT
I nod, wondering if it's just my imagination or if he almost looks like I feel. But then I have to answer his question, so I bite my lip slightly and look down at my hands. "'Bout as well as you might expect." I shrug. "I believe he said he loves me but really doesn't like me right now." And the idiot actually apologized for that. What the hell? Who does that? "And I can't exactly blame him."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 17:15:18 GMT
"No...suppose not."
I guess you can't blame him for that, but at least...at least I was wrong and it didn't go badly. That's good, a relief.
"And how are you?"
Because I can't imagine that she overly likes being a 'fickle whore' so I might as well verify that she's okay about it.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 17:17:00 GMT
I'm a little surprised by that question, but shrug. "Me? I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 17:19:35 GMT
"Just asking, in case you're beating yourself up," I shrug, "And it's something to say, I guess."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 17:22:08 GMT
Well, of course I'm beating myself up. I deserve it. Doesn't mean that I'm not fine.
I shrug slightly. "Well, how about you? You okay?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 17:28:49 GMT
"Fine." I shrug again, then decide I really need to just stop doing that because it hurts a little bit more each time.
"...Relieved." I add after a pause, because that's got two syllables so I'm not being monosyllabic anymore...and because I want to acknowledge that I am glad nothing happened when she went to see Riley.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 17:31:15 GMT
"By?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. I hope, even though I suspect otherwise, that he wasn't worried at all that I'd change my mind again.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 17:36:16 GMT
"You didn't change your mind." I answer, talking for a moment to the floor instead of her. "I was sort of expecting you to."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 19:16:12 GMT
I wish I could say that's silly or ridiculous, but unfortunately he does have a point. Sort of. I watch him for a moment staring at the floor, then shake my head. "I love you. And the only reasons I've ever wanted to be with him were the ones I told you when I was trying to break up with you."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 19:21:28 GMT
I half-nod, half-shrug and regret it almost immediately because that was even worse and I just need so stop moving and that'll probably help.
"Well, it's not as if I can just stop being paranoid is it?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 19:23:43 GMT
"No, s'pose not." I shrug slightly. And I've given him quite enough cause to.
But speaking of paranoia, because maybe that's what I'm being... but maybe not and there really is something wrong with him. I frown slightly. "Logan, are you sure you're okay?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 19:32:06 GMT
"More or less, yes." I manage to catch myself before I shrug this time...and then I don't know what's really stopping me from admitting it anyway, so I add after a moment, "Just...been crucio-ed, that's all."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 19:39:04 GMT
"Oh, is that all?" I ask in the midst of a disbelieving laugh/cough. "Who... who by? When?"
Granted, it is the kind of thing that must've happened to someone like him on a fairly regular basis once upon a time, but it still is a fairly big deal, especially what with the whole fugitive thing. So either he killed whoever did it, or they're about to turn him in, or it was somebody who already knows - Fitzy, Shell, Riley, Maddie... possibly Ian unless she chose not to let him know. But I can't quite imagine any of the above doing that to him... other than Fitzy, but he's too scared.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 19:43:23 GMT
I roll my eyes slightly, because it's really not important and not exactly deserving of the disbelieving 'oh, is that all?' because yes, yes that really is all.
"Shelby...Ruby...bit of both of them, I guess. And...earlier, when I was out."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 19:48:07 GMT
Hm. Well, on second thought I guess I can see it then. Still, I shake my head, getting up and leaning down to kiss him briefly before sitting down again a little bit closer. It's been a fair while since I was crucioed myself, but I know - big surprise - that it's not exactly fun.
"And what did she do that for?" I ask, just in case it's something other than my first assumption of 'just for the hell of it.'
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 19:58:21 GMT
I kiss her briefly back and am sort of grateful when she sits a little bit closer, but not enough to comment or react, and then she's asked a question anyway.
"Could be any number of reasons." I answer.
Because it could, or most likely a combination of reasons...walking away and laughing and not kissing her and the fact that she's unbalanced, to name a few. But I don't think I really want to discuss it, because much of that encounter was very unpleasant.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 20:14:42 GMT
"Such as?" I ask, perhaps a little nosily but that's how I am and he almost seems evasive. It's just a casual question though, and I shrug to show I won't be annoyed if he really doesn't answer.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 20:20:31 GMT
"Instability?" I suggest, raising an eyebrow.
I find it slightly strange that she would press it, because I sort of meant what I said as a closing statement.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 20:23:38 GMT
"Fair enough." I shrug slightly. "Thought Ruby was rather fond of you though."
Which is not in any way meant to be an accusation, though there is a very minuscule percentage of my head that's not very happy with the fact he interacted with her at all, even if he was getting tortured and that's it.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 20:30:27 GMT
I'm not sure if that's a trick remark somehow, but it doesn't sound like an accusation so after a moment I conclude that it's not a trick.
"Yeah...guess she had a change of heart." I respond indifferently.
Possibly not strictly true because I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with Ruby lately, but just in case there was any accusation hopefully that negates it a bit.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 20:33:33 GMT
"Hm...." I shrug slightly again. And if she hadn't, would you have been tempted, or is the fact we're 'even now' good enough?
But I'm the one in the wrong this time; not going to ask that.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 20:44:27 GMT
I shrug briefly in return, again regretting it nearly straight afterwards and then wishing I had something to say other than the rather eloquent, 'Fuck, that hurt' which is the only option coming to mind.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 20:48:19 GMT
I eye him for a moment when he shrugs, paying even more attention now that I know he was tortured.
"Still hurts?" I ask, pretty sure of the answer. What I remember most about torture was the jumpiness afterward, so I don't know if that's unusual or not.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 20:55:21 GMT
"Not too bad." I reply after a moment.
It's not too bad, just if I move and then it aches. And I guess it's worse because I don't remember being tortured since I was about thirteen, so I don't suppose I have much of a resistance.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Apr 8, 2009 21:07:26 GMT
"Sounds like a semi-evasive yes," I say, then shrug, hesitate slightly, and sit on the back of the couch to run my hands over his scalp because I know that feels good so, logically, that should help cancel out any lingering pain.
"Does this help or am I being ridiculous?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Apr 8, 2009 21:15:49 GMT
"It was a semi-evasive yes," I admit, then pause before I half turn round to look at her, "Ah, bit of both. Helps and is ridiculous."
I shift slightly so I can lean in to kiss her briefly, forcing the involuntary wince back because I'd much rather kiss her and ignore the semi-faded twinge of pain than let it show.
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