Luck

[Madeline Speare]

This was the last place I wanted to be at the moment. Taking into account what had happened my last visited.
"Logan?! You're in love with Logan?! This is fucking insane."
There's a twang of guilt at the memory, I had been completely out of line, but taking into account my history with Logan, I had every right to be upset.
Didn't I?
I wasn't so sure anymore.
"She's is insane, anyone even thinking about getting close to Logan is just asking for a fucking death wish."
"What if she's right? What if he has changed? Arden's got a good head on her shoulders Ian, she can't be wrong about this."
"Maddie, it's Logan. He's not one to change, even if it's for someone else. People like him don't change."
"You did."
"It's different, Logan and I are different."
"Maybe so, but Ian,"
"I'm not talking about this anymore Maddie."

Maybe I was letting my emotions get the best of me, Charlie said that I had a habit of doing that a lot. I wasn't one to argue with Charlie, okay that was a bit of a lie, but still.
I had faith in people. More importantly I had faith in Arden.
It's Logan I don't trust.
I sigh softly, chewing anxiously on my bottom lip. It had been a while since our little...disagreement.
Maybe it was time to swallow my pride and apologize.
That was so much easier said then done.
My hand, which had been patiently raised to knock on the door, dropped down to hang limply by my side.
Maybe I could just turn around, and forget all about this.

Too late.
As soon as I had turned around, I could hear the door opening.
Sighing softly through my nose, I close my eyes in exasperation.
I always had the worst luck.

[Arden Patricks]

Dazed. I think that’s a good word for right now. Dazed. Bewildered. Stunned. A feeling that’s appropriate upon emerging from a car wreck. Or, upon discovering that your friend who was just in a car wreck and was supposed to be dying by Friday or sooner is no longer going to.

I think, primarily, I don’t want to let myself belief it. Because if I do… if I let the happy lightness, the strong urge to laugh and to run up and hug people… then it will only feel that much worse when it all comes crashing down again and I find out this was only a dream, just a lie, and the truth remains that Riley is dying. I think it’s slowly sinking in that the truth really is that he isn’t… but I won’t let it sink in entirely, not until a bit of time has passed and it’s safer to believe it. Hence the bewilderment.

Already though, I feel much lighter beneath the denial. I feel like smiling at strangers and vowing to be a better person, and absently opening the door at the very first knock without any paranoia or hesitation.

I think it might be further evidence that I really am just dreaming when I see Maddie standing there. Or at least, that’s my first thought is that it’s Maddie, but her back is to me so I can’t be sure, and at any rate that’s crazy because we really didn’t part on the best of terms the last time she was here. Not that I was very angry with her - it’s all understandable on her part – but I really didn’t think she was that fond of me currently. I wonder what she’d think if I mention the new parallels between our relationships – trying to break up but not managing, each of us cheating on the other. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to get her perspective on things.

But this isn’t her anyway, because I don’t think we’re speaking, and today I’m just having good dreams about things that I wish for. So I shake my head quickly, finally remembering to be polite. “… Hello.”

[Madeline Speare]

It's as if my throat has closed up, because even though I'm trying to speak no words are coming out.
It was my pride that was stopping me from admitting that I was wrong, and just say I was sorry.
Stupid pride.
I turn back around, slipping my hands into my pockets, just staring at her.

As if I wasn't feeling awkward enough, I can tell my mouth is hanging open.
I can feel the apology on the end of my tongue, but I'm still unable to force it past my lips.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that the emotion on her face is clearly forced.
She looks tired, and incredibly worn out.
That's not the Arden I knew.
There's another twang of guilt, as the thought of her and Logan crawls back into my head.
Maybe I never knew her.
"Hi," I manage softly after a moment.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod in acknowledgment, only just barely stopping myself from saying hello again. Obviously one of us needs to say something other than that, and it seems as if it's going to have to be me. Which makes sense if this isn't really, because I can't except my subconscious to do all the work.

"Ah... hey," I say finally, stepping back a bit. "Do you want to come in, or are you just here to yell at me some more?"

The second part slips out without me planning on it, though at least it's said without any malice or censure. I may as well acknowledge that it's weird she's even here... and I suddenly jump to the conclusion that it's because there's something wrong. But I'll let her reply to what I last said before I ask her that.

[Madeline Speare]

There it is.
I try hard not to wince at the accusation, but I can already taste the smart mouth remark that's dancing on the end of my tongue.
"I'll come in when that murderer's back in Azkaban,"

I want to kick myself so badly that I can just feel my leg twitching.
Maybe that's just the fact I'm standing rigidly still.
Whatever it may be I'm not helping out our situation what so ever.
I came back to try and fix our friendship, not add more fuel to the fire. I was never good at apologizing first, Ian told me that more then enough times.

"Sorry," I mutter softly under my breath.

[Arden Patricks]

Right... guess it's the latter then.
I flinch very slightly when she says that, preparing a sigh and a 'why are you here then?' before she apologizes and then I'm brought up short. The first thing it reminds me of, actually, is Ian's and my first quasi-friendly meeting. I don't remember the actual words anymore, but I remember the sense. And... that's really not important right now anyway.
"... Why are you here, anyway?" I ask, hesitating slightly before stepping out onto the porch and closing the door behind me. "He's not home right now anyway, but if you don't want to come in that's fine. But is everything all right?"

[Madeline Speare]

I'm here to say I was wrong.
That I'm stupid, and had no right to say the things I did.
I'm here to say that maybe you were right.
"I'm here to say I'm sorry," I manage to force out, while also managing to make myself look directly at her.
I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't a coward.
I had been a lion after all, being a coward wasn't in the description.

Thankfully, my body has taken things into it's own hands, and has stepping into the threshold, closing the door behind myself.
"Every thing's fine," I nod, "Or at least, I'm hoping it will be."
This of course, is my own way for hoping that she'll accept my apology.

[Arden Patricks]

I can't say I'm not surprised by that, especially when she comes inside... but I also can't say I'm displeased.
"You don't have to apologize," I say, shaking my head. "I understood... understand. I don't blame you at all for how you reacted." Oh, and I don't think I'll be with him much longer anyway, so that should be lovely.

[Madeline Speare]

I shake my head, allowing my bangs to fall into my face.
"No, I do." I say, feeling my fists clench slightly. "I had no right saying what I did,"
Even if Logan is a fucking murderer,
"Out of everyone, I should know exactly what your going through."

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, I can't really argue with that," I shrug slightly, shaking my head. "You have no idea how often I've wanted your advice on things."

[Madeline Speare]

There's that pang of guilt again.
You let her down MJ.
"I'm sorry," I murmur, knowing that nothing I could say that could make up for the way that I acted. Moving to her, I perch myself on the end of the couch, gently putting my hand on her shoulder. "What's up?"

[Arden Patricks]

"It's fine, really," I say, shaking my head as I sit down next to her, then laugh slightly at her second question. "God, what isn't up? What's down, anything? You remember what I said abiut the stupid teenage drama, right?"

[Madeline Speare]

You failed MJ. You failed, you failed, you failed.
You'd think after so many years I would be able to block out the voices, but even now, pushing twenty-nine years I'm still not able to. Seems with each passing year they get louder as well.
"Oh boy," I murmur softly, clenching my hands slightly in my lap. "That doesn't sound too pleasant, care to explain?"
I have a bad feeling about this.

[Arden Patricks]

"If you'll attempt not to pass judgment, because I know I've been an idiot." I grimace slightly, then shrug, trying to decide where to start. "... Well, first off, we've cheated on each other. Tried to break up once but couldn't stand it. And... tried to break it off again, at least I did, and in the process messed around with the guy I keep cheating with because I told him that this time I'd pick him and then I didn't."
And it sounds even worse when put together like that, so I don't think I'll blame her if she does judge.

[Madeline Speare]

I raise my eyebrow, and open my mouth to protest, but I shut it instantly. I'd have a chance to speak in a moment.
I tilt my head slightly, listening to the full explanation without interrupting, and trying to accept the fact that, yes she's with Logan.

My eyes widen slightly, and there's a sharp tug at my heart.
This all just sounds so familiar.
It's me and Ian.
There's a tug again, and this time my hands clench slightly. Lord knows how many times in our teenage years Ian and I had broken up, cheated, got back together, broken up, etc, etc.
It was a roller coaster. I knew first hand how much it all hurt.
I'm too shocked for words, and therefore unable to come up with a reasonable reply.
I just nod slightly, making a soft 'O' shape with my mouth.

[Arden Patricks]

I wince slightly when she doesn't even respond, holding my hands in front of my face and shaking my head. "I know, it's ridiculous and I've kind of been a whore, so I'm not looking for sympathy; just explaining what's happened."

[Madeline Speare]

"Kind of a whore?"
The words are out of my mouth so fast that there's no way I could even stop them.
I wince slightly, and lower my head. I really need to learn to fliter what I say.
"Point for Team Hunt."[/color]
Even when he's not right next to me I can still see that smug look on his face.
"Sorry, not my place to judge."

[Arden Patricks]

"No, that was called for," I say, wincing slightly. "And neither of them will be properly angry at me, so... weird as this probably sounds... thank you."

[Madeline Speare]

"Welcome," I murmur softly, knowing how she felt.
"Seems like you followed in my footsteps," I mumble softly.

[Arden Patricks]

"Would appear so, yes," I mutter, then feel the need to add, "Though you were never a whore at least, as far as I recall."
I also half-want to defend myself, and say that when I say I'm a whore, that doesn't mean it went any farther than the occasional kiss. Not that it makes a whole lot of difference, but still.

[Madeline Speare]

It hurts slightly, as I bite down on my tongue.
My past was my past, that's what I had to keep reminding myself. I wasn't about to go spilling my dirty laundry.

I was a whore.
The times Ian and I weren't together were horrible.
I cheated on him with Logan.
Logan for god's sake. I made another mental note not to tell that to Arden.
Logan and I went out of our way that no one knew about us.

"Yeah," I mumble, trying to get off this subjects."What's the damage?"

[Arden Patricks]

Or... maybe she was, judging by her expression. Or at least she thinks of herself that way. I grimace slightly, focusing on the question instead.
"Well... Logan and I don't trust each other, but that's nothing new and on the other hand he's trying now to be more bloody human. So... mainly the damage is confined to Riley and our friendship... or lack thereof, now that I've fucked it all up."