Heels over Head

[Riyann Servansikk]

One foot in front of the other. That's it. Good girl. Right foot, left foot, move forwards slowly step by step. Don't need to over do it.

Breathing.

Shit. My body freezes slightly where I was standing, in the middle of a long, narrow, and bright white hallway. This was all too much for me. I couldn't handle it. I come back home, I disappear. I disappeared because I was overwhelmed with everything. Scared. Afraid, maybe even a little angry still.
I hated myself.
Then I hear about this.
Come to the most hated place I could ever think of.
Because I was Head over Heels in love with him.
Riley.

Wait...
No, I wasn't.
I was heels over head.
I liked the sound of that so much more. It didn't sound ugly and cliched in my head like head over heels. That was so oversaid, replayed, used too much. Heels over Head, no, that discribed exactly what I was feeling.
I was completely and unconditionally in love with him.
And he's here, in a hospital, St. Mungos, after another car accident, dying.

I was cold, shaking, nervous, I was like a wrecking ball after hitting the side of a building.
I was rebounding off the side, not quite stable, swinging back and forth. Frozen as to what I wanted to do.

Inhale.
Exhale.

Once again I had almost forgotten to breath, I start to cough a little. How long had I gone without breathing that time?
One thing I can say to that, thank god I'm at a hospital and not swimming in the black lake.

Black lake?
How odd to have thought of that. I haven't been to the school in what seems like ages.
I didn't even graduate there.

How depressing. I move to the wall and sink to the floor, glancing briefly at the door across from me. Riley Pearson. I'm a worthless burn out who couldn't even finish school.
I'm pathetic.
I can't even be a good mum.
I was a horrible girlfriend and wife.
I was horrible period.

Moving my head forward slightly I slammed it back sharply a moment later, hearing a loud thud echo slightly, a ringing in my ears as I did.

"I'm heels over head in love with you Riley Pearson." I whispered, slowly getting up to my feet and then going over to the door to his room and knocking faintly incase he is up, or if someone else was in there.

[Riley Pearson]

I had accumulated a small pile of books beside my bed, along with a notebook just in case I needed one. There wasn't much I could do just laying here in bed. I thought I was sore at the beginning of the week, I was wrong. Now was I not only still in more pain than I would like from being hit, I was also getting quite sore from just lying here.
My mum was the only one who was by today so far and when I hear the small knock at my door, I sort of just assumed that she was back again.
"That you again, mum?" I asked looking over to it, setting the book I was reading down on the bedside again.
But really, it could've been anyone.. and honestly, I'd be happy with anyone right now.

[[ sorry, this post is awful ]]

[Riyann Servansikk]

I froze slightly at the sound of his voice, but I relaxed almost immediatly. He was alive enough to speak..
That sounded odd, even in my head.
I missed him so much, just the sound of his voice made me feel at home. I shake my head at his question, though I know he can't see it, after all there is a door between us right now. Standing where I was for a moment more I let Riley's words play over and over in my head and pressed my forehead to the door lightly as I shut my eyes to them. Bringing myself back to reality a moment later I pushed my fingers down and around the cold metal doorknob, twisted it, and pushed the door in slowly and stepped past it just once so that he could see me, yell at me to get out if he really wanted me gone.
"Hi." I manage to choke past my lips, my throat dry and sore.

[[nah it was fine]]

[Riley Pearson]

After not really getting a response to what I said, I assumed that it wasn't my mum. It really could have been anyone. A healer, Arden, my kids.. but when the door opened for some reason the last person I was expecting to see was Riyann. I stared at her a couple seconds after she said hi, ".. Hey Riyann..." I paused for another moment. "Long time no see..."
Don't get me wrong here, it was good to see her, and I was glad that she came back. But where the hell was she for so long? Either way, I hoped she knew that it was okay to come inside because I couldn't very well chase after her if I had to.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Half the time that I was gone I don't remember where I was, what happened, or anything. It was just me waking up and finding out that now I was in Egypt or somewhere I hadn't planned on going. Why that had happened I didn't know, why I couldn't remember it? I didn't know.
"Sorry 'bout that." I mumbled, glancing down at the ground and then back up at him. He looked, to put it bluntly, like shit. Not as bad as he could be, but still, this wasn't my Riley. My Riley wasn't ever the one laying in the hospital bed, staying in the hospital. Except for recently.
Moving a little more into the room I turned and shut the door lightly behind me.
Why did this have to happen again?
"I-I've been having some... issues." I say softly, shrugging my shoulders faintly and smiling weakly towards him for a split second. I didn't like excuses, they sound weird, taste funny in my mouth.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded faintly. "It's alright..." I said quietly, waiting for her to come closer to me. I didn't really make any effort to sit up, because honestly, it just hurt a bit too much to move. The pain wasn't as bad as it had been and I wasn't going to be taking any chances on making it worse just yet.
She said that she'd been having some issues and I nodded fainly again just to say that I unerstood even though I didn't know what her issues were.
".. Me too, actually." I said with a weak smile for a second or two with a very weak chuckle. "I know it's," I coughed for a second, "Hard to believe." I finished, the middle of that senstance interrupted by a very small cough.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Nodding a little when he said it was alright I stood where I was for a few more moments and looked around before moving closer to Riley and taking a seat in the chair next to his bed. Honestly I'm scared. Truely and honestly scared. When I left, part of the reason was because I had heard that he had moved on, heard a few woman talking before I left last, heard Riley's name come up. True that I could've been imagining things, there could be another Riley. There are a lot of things that I could've gotten wrong. But if those things were true I didn't want to mess things up for him.
Riley just flat out deserved better than me.
And now he's in the hospital dying and I'm scared to think he might not love me, might not forgive me for real.
I smile a little when he says he was having issues too, just that I knew they were way different. His happened to be that he was dying. Mine were silly thoughts and other such things like not remembering half that goes on. His chuckle made me frown slightly, throwing me right back into reality that nothing was alright..
"You need anything?" I ask softly, referring to his cough. I could feel my hands shaking slightly again. He just knew how to scare me, didn't he?

[Riley Pearson]

I was glad that she moved into the chair next to me and I turned my head a bit toward her, shifting my body very faintly so it was easier to see her.
I shook my head when she asked if I needed anything, "I'm alright, Riy." I said giving a weak smile. A moment later, I moved a hand and reached it out to her, as if I was saying that I wanted to hold her hand. Hopefully she'd catch that and grab onto it.
"I'm guessing you already know what happened then?" I asked another moment later. "And what's going to happen?"
I was still trying to decide exactly what I was feeling for her right now. I wanted to try before she left.. and I think that I still did, I just wouldn't get that chance to cos more than likely, I wasn't going to be living for much longer. She's probably lucky that she came today and not tomorrow or something.. or in a week. But I was pretty sure that no matter what I was going to be in love with her.. just like all the other times.

[Riyann Servansikk]

He said he was alright, I'm guessing he doesn't mean with the whole living bit of everything, but I nod anyways, believing him, wanting him to say that everything would be alright and wanting to be able to believe that myself. Watching as he moved his hand closer to mine I took that as him wanting me to grab onto it, but I was scared, wondering if that's really what he wanted. Did it really get to be like this? Where I don't know what he wants anymore? Biting my lip faintly I reach my still somewhat shaky hand towards his and wrapped my fingers gently around his.
I listen to his question and simply think about it while looking at our hands. I didn't want to say that I did know because that would mean this is real. He really is going to die. So instead I nod simply, scared to trust my own voice that would only sound rough and filled with coming tears if I did speak.
So many sorrys ran through my head, all that I wanted to say to him. Like lying about Lilian, like cheating on him, leaving him, letting the divorce go through, leaving him and the kids, always leaving.
You can't apologize for being yourself. Running away is just you. Like running to hogwarts from home. Running from home and finding muggle friends. It's just you.
If I'm hurting someone I have the right to apologize though, right?
Squeezing Riley's hand lightly I moved a little closer, moved our hands closer to me and kissed the top of his hand.
I want him to know that he's the only one I'll ever love anymore, that without him I am nothing.

[Riley Pearson]

[ gah, sorry, i have to go! but i'll reply to this later! love you! ]

[Riyann Servansikk]

[[love you too nina...!]]

[Riley Pearson]

[ yay, lol sorry for the shortness of this, by the way. I coudn't think ]]

I smiled faintly toward her squeezing her hand after she took mine. "Thanks." I said quietly. I waited her for to say something to what I asked her and instead of hearing her, I saw her nod and nodded faintly back.
She moved a bit closer and kissed the top of my hand. I gave her a faint smile. "Are you okay?" I asked a moment later.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I nod a little when he says thanks and feel slightly better as he squeezes my hand in his. He said nothing to me now and I let it fall to the awkward silence that always seems to follow me. I'm really starting to think that's just me, and that it was obvious from the start.
"Are you okay?" Shutting my eyes briefly I shake my head and then look at him. "No." I whisper lightly through a faint laugh. "Unless it's okay to feel scared." I mumble softly and shake my head a little more. Looking at him again I look into his eyes, wanting this to just simply not be real at all.
He should be at home with the kids, he should be over me, not caring about me.
Most of all he shouldn't be dying.

Nothing I can change.
"I'm sorry I've been gone and I never was good enough." I whisper to him under my breath. Half wanting him to hear it, half not.

[Riley Pearson]

I paused for a moment, keeping my eyes on her. "Riyann, do you think I'm not scared?" I asked quietly, looking back into her eyes as she looked into mine. "It's alright to be scared.." I added, squeezing her hand a bit again.
I shook my hea faintly, "It's alright, Riyann.. and you were always good enough." I told her with a faint chuckle, even though it wasn't very funny, "You were more than good enough."

[Riyann Servansikk]

"I." I start slowly, shutting my eyes briefly. "I'm sorry. I di-didn't mean it like that." I mumble softly, shrugging faintly towards him. Of course he was scared, he was the one dying, of course I was scared of finally messing up for the last time and truely losing everything.
"I love you." I said softly, looking at the bed sheets as I did say it, then glancing up at him.
I really did love him.

[Riley Pearson]

I shook my head faintly as if to say that it didn't really matter how she meant it. It wasn't really a big deal. I was just saying that it was okay to be scared.. and that she wasn't alone with feeling it.
I gave her a weak smile. "I love you too, Riyann." I said quietly.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I smiled some now as he said he loved me too and I squeezed his hand lightly. Every minute I stayed in this room with him I became more happy, but with every minute I became even more depressed with the realization that any day, any minute I might have Riley anymore.
"I know." I murmur softly to him. Of course I never really had been too entirely sure if he still did. "I'm glad." The smile never really left my face. I was glad I got whatever time I could with him, and while that was happening I want to remember it as good times, happy smiling moments.
"It's all going to be alright." I whisper softly, leaning back against the chair as I said it. Honestly I believed it. Everything would be alright, granted I'd be a wreck when Riley dies, but I knew it'd be alright because I wouldn't let myself live much longer than him.
I had decided this a long time ago.
When and why? After I died the first time, because I wasn't ment to be living as it was, and after Riley was gone I'll have lived as long as I wanted. He's the reason I came back, the reason I stayed as a ghost, because I wasn't done living.
When he is I will be.

[Riley Pearson]

I smiled back to her when she smiled to me and when I heard what she said. Arden wouldn't say that to me... and when Charlotte did actually say it, it wasn't very believable... in fact, it just bothered me when she said it...
But there was something different when Riyann said it... not only did I believe her, but I actually felt a little bit better.. it was actually comforting to hear her tell me that.
I wasn't really sure if I still really loved her when she walked inside, but now I was sort of thinking that I did.. not to mention it was good to see her. "I really do love you." I said sort of quietly, with a small smile.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Watching as I had said it I saw a smile come across Riley's face and I smiled even more. I didn't honestly think he'd smile, let alone believe me, but I was glad that it happened.
"I really do love you."
"I really do love you too." I said back, biting my lip faintly as I watched him. I feel like a silly teenager again, seventeen and back in school. Falling in love with Riley all over again. Every little thing about him I loved. His smile, the way his nose scrunches up very faintly when he does smile. Every little thing about him.

[Riley Pearson]

I turned faintly more toward her as she said it again, wincing for a second or two from the movement.
"You know you're the only one who's said that to me who I actually believe.." I said with a faint smile with weak chuckle, talking about how she said that everything's going to be okay.
Right now I really can't believe how long I went trying not to love her anymore.. and I don't know why all of a sudden I felt like I did.. I wasn't sure if I really did, or if maybe I was just feeling like I did because I knew I was dying soon.. or well, probably dying soon.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Keeping my eyes on his face I watched as he turned slightly more towards me. I watched as his face twisted slightly in a wince and winced slightly myself, pushed myself up off the chair and lowered myself lightly on the edge of the bed, so he wouldn't have to move to see me better and hurt himself while he did.
I bit my lip softly at his words and nodded. "I'm glad you believe me." I said softly, a small smile twisting onto my lips, stretching them upwards only faintly. His chuckle had made me shiver and smile at the same time. It didn't sound right, it was weak, but non the less, it was Riley and I missed everything about him.

[Riley Pearson]

"You were okay where you were.." I said over to her, watching as she moved. I just wasn't that comfortable where I was.. though now that she did move, I could see her a bit better. "But this works." I smiled a bit.
I smiled and nodded again. "Have you gone to see the kids?" I asked a few moments later, not sure what what else to say, so trying to start up some kind of conversation.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Smiling softly, I shrugged a bit when he said I was okay where I had been before. That didn't much matter, it was better now that I had moved, least I figured it was for him. Besides I like sitting close to him. "Oh, does it Mr. Pearson?" I asked softly, teasing slightly as I did and smiled a bit towards him.
God I missed being able to be normal.
Again.
"Uh, not yet actually. Just got back and heard about this." It was true. I hadn't been here for more than an hour or so before I heard about Riley having another fight with another car, this time definitely going to lose in the outcome. He was dying. "Figured I would go after coming and seeing you, maybe bring them over for a short visit." I said softly, biting my lip faintly.
God, we weren't much of anything anymore. Just Riyann Servansikk and Riley Pearson, managing after a divorce and other such/many problems.

[Riley Pearson]

"Yes because now you're a proper distance away from me." I said smiling softly back to her, moving an arm and grabbing one of her hands gently again.
I nodded slightly, "Alright.." I said as I looked up to her. I paused again, maybe I should tell her about the will.. I mean, I can still change it.. parent's will be mad, but I could..
"... I've actually already written out part of my will." I said a bit later, sort of quiety. "You, um.. I'm assuming that you want the kids?"

[Riyann Servansikk]

"Proper distance." I say with a small laugh, smiling a little bit more while he moved an arm and grabbed onto my right hand with one of his and I squeezed his as he did. "I miss this." I whisper softly, smiling weakly as I gestured to the two of us.
I missed being with him.
Riley was my everything, I never wanted to lose him, yet I had pushed him away, and now I was truly losing him.
I nod a little when he says alright and smiling weakly. The kids, how this must be harder for them. They've lost their mum innumerable amount of times, and now they are really, truly losing their dad.
Riley said something about already writting out some of his will and I scrunch my eyebrows together slightly, looking towards him as I did. "Yeah." I say softly when he tells me that he assumes I want the kids. "I assume you forgot about me." I add with a small, shakey laugh, glancing down towards the ground.

[Riley Pearson]

I laughed a little bit and nodded, smiling slighty more toward her. Deciding to hold back the small cough that came with the laugh, it turning into me clearing my throat a bit before it inevitably came anyway, and I ended up coughing faintly. I smiled and squeezed her hand slightly back. "Me too.." I said quietly back to her.
"Don't be ridiculous." I said quietly, shaking my head. "I didn't fucking know where you were." I said looking back up to her. "So I left them to my parents.. I can change it.." I paused again. "Just don't take them away from there right away.. if you could."

[Riyann Servansikk]

I frowned faintly when I heard him cough, being brought back to the reality that this was it, there was no more second chances, no more anything. Just what we made of what was left. "
I bit down against my lower lip when he told me not to be ridiculous and nodded faintly. Of course I wasn't going to be ridiculous, I had only been merely stating what I figured had happened. I mean really, who wouldn't forget about someone who only disappears all the time anyways? He swore when saying he didn't know where I was and I winced slightly. It wasn't like I hadn't heard him swear before, just right now it seemed so much more. Made him seem much more angrier than he probably was.
"Promise." I murmur softly to him.

[Riley Pearson]

"You're impossible to forget about, Riyann." I said with a faint nod up to her, stating why it was ridiculous. I caught her wince and frowned slightly, shaking my head a little bit. "That wasn't.. directed at you, or anything." I tried to clear up. I knew she'd heard me swear before, but this was a different occasion I guess.
"Thank you.." I said with a faint nod.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I smiled slightly when he said I was impossible to forget about, contrary to my belief. I really didn't think the same as he did. Still, even if I didn't think that was true it made me smile because Riley said it.
"No, I know." I murmured softly, shrugging it off faintly like it didn't matter. Why had I changed so much?
Nodding towards him, I smiled softly. "Course."

[Riley Pearson]

"It really is impossible..." I said I smiled back to her, "I know you. You think it is.. and you're just gonna have to trust me."
I then nodded a little bit when she said that she knew it wasn't directed toward her. "Just um.. try not to disappear like that too much." I added looking up to her. I wanted to sit up. Cos I was getting sick of laying here looking up to her. I wanted to be eye level.
"Could you help me sit up a bit?" I asked Riyann a few moments later, starting to move a bit myself.