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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 16:21:50 GMT
Again, I'm not sure if I quite believe her there, unwilling to believe that it's just pity. If it is, however, then I think I even almost feel sorry for him.
And also I already know that I'm a psychopath, so I don't even care enough to respond.
And I wish I wasn't still this annoyed, so I think I'm just going to go, actually. Go and walk it off or something...but I don't feel like I should walk away without responding.
Again though, no response coming to mind so I just end up standing here.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 16:28:17 GMT
And you'd think he'd at least have the decency to say something now... maybe apologize for accusing me or at least say something so I know what the hell is going on in his head. But I suppose that's too much to ask. But at the very least I wish... he'd maybe argue further, because then I could at least take out on him the fact that I'm now just a little pissed off.
But he doesn't say anything, so I don't either... just shrug and look away.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 16:32:38 GMT
"Fuck this," I say after a moment, turning to leave, "I'm going out."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 16:36:17 GMT
"'Course you are," I mutter half under my breath. "Go ahead. Just try not to kiss anyone."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 16:39:55 GMT
I don't know if I was supposed to hear that or not, but I guess I'm not done arguing either way and therefore can't let it go, so I have to turn round and snap, "Fuck you. She started it."
So I guess the bad mood is stemming mostly from guilt, rather than because I am genuinely suspicious of her at all, which doesn't make it any easier to control...just slightly more rational.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 16:45:33 GMT
"Oh, there's a good argument," I say a bit disgustedly.
Maybe I shouldn't've just walked away, and maybe we would have had this conversation earlier with a little less venom; I don't know. But we've just about ignored it other than this fight, and I guess that didn't really make a lot of sense. You can't just ignore it when somebody cheats, no matter what the reasons.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 16:55:46 GMT
I'm tempted to give a good fucking argument for it, but I can't think of one because most of my reasoning for that little endeavour has either slipped away or been blocked out by now, so I don't even have one.
So I don't even have a reply when I really should, except that it is true that she started it and then she came here anyway and there would have been no reason to ever do it again if Ruby wasn't...depraved.
And I wish I could go back to leaving, but last time we tried to talk about this she left and nothing got resolved and I don't think leaving things unresolved will do us any favours.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 17:06:21 GMT
And of course, yet again, he doesn't have a reply. And I remember why it is that I did just leave the room before, what my reasoning was - that being with Logan is essentially the same as being alone, but more frustrating. And suddenly I don't know why the hell we're even bothering to try and start over.
"You know what? Fuck it. I don't care. You go ahead and kiss whoever who want, sleep with whoever you want, because everybody's right and if we don't end up killing each other we'll just wish we had."
That didn't entirely make sense, I don't think, and I also I doubt that I meant it, but I've reached the point in the argument where I have to turn away because I'm crying from frustration now and I just don't want to argue anymore. Still want to hit something yes, but I don't want to argue.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 17:23:46 GMT
'What the fuck?' is the only thing really coming to mind, because that sort of came from nowhere. True though it may be, it was still mostly unprompted because I didn't say anything.
And also I really really fucking hate it when she cries. Probably not in the normal way where a person doesn't want to see someone they love in pain...or whatever, although that's part of it, but mostly because of the sense of total...hopelessness/helplessness that it produces and the fact that it's hard to shout at someone if they're going to be crying, making it very hard to try and snap back at her despite the amount of things I want to argue with in what she just said.
"Arden...stop that..." I settle on eventually, sounding more weary than concerned, but at least not pissed anymore.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 17:27:18 GMT
"Stop what?" I ask snappishly, still not looking at him until I've angrily wiped off the tears because I really do hate it when I do this and I especially don't like to cry in front of him. "This... this is stupid, Logan, ridiculous. We're already falling apart when we barely started over."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 17:43:08 GMT
"Crying," I reply irritably, because I guess I'm not calm yet after all, "Fuck, you think I don't know that? Of course it's fucking ridiculous."
And I'll leave, when she tells me to, which is probably going to be soon at this rate, but until then...I still remember how much it hurt to be away and I'm not willingly going to inflict that on myself.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 17:45:32 GMT
"So do you have any solution?" I ask, ignoring the first part because I already have and it's not bloody voluntary anyway - as I believe I've pointed out more than once. "Because I'm out of ideas."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 18:07:54 GMT
"No." I mutter.
I don't have a solution. Walking away isn't even a solution because we already tried that and failed. So I don't know.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 18:10:46 GMT
"Thought not." I sigh slightly, biting my lip and looking at the floor. "But will you at least believe me when I say that nothing happened?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 18:19:15 GMT
I clench my jaw slightly to convey my reluctance, but finally nod and say, "Fine."
I think I already decided that anyway, but am still fairly convinced that she wanted something to happen. I think that's always going to be there though and it's not exactly new paranoia, so I'll just have to ignore it.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 18:24:20 GMT
"Good," I mutter back, relaxing slightly. "Because I really am not going to do that again."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 18:29:11 GMT
I nod once, stiffly, and don't say anything.
I think we've got this backwards, actually, being as I'm the one who's just cheated and she's probably innocent...but whatever. At least the fight's over, I think.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 21, 2009 2:46:26 GMT
It strikes me as somewhat fucked up that I'm the one making sure that he believes I'm faithful when he's the one who wasn't... but that's not really terribly important right now. What's important is fixing this; I just wish I could think of something to say.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 21, 2009 11:07:41 GMT
Fucking silence.
I don't know if it's the mood I'm in, but the fact that we never have anything to say to each other is getting under my skin today...which doesn't really help with breaking the silence or help make anything better.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 21, 2009 14:12:03 GMT
I bite my lip after a moment, shrugging slightly. "Is there any particular reason that you never tell me anything, or do you just have nothing to say?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 21, 2009 22:58:02 GMT
"A bit of both," I shrug.
And I suppose I probably could have given a better answer or asked her the same thing in return, but apparently my subconscious doesn't want to talk as much as my conscious mind does.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 22, 2009 22:37:23 GMT
I would probably sigh in frustration, but at least it's something so I restrain myself.
"And what's the particular reason then?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 23, 2009 9:48:57 GMT
It varies, actually, so there is no definitive answer to that. I suppose mostly it's either because I don't want to tell her something or I just don't feel like talking. Both of which are a little stupid if I think about it objectively, but seem terribly important the rest of the time.
"Well at the moment I don't really have one."
And this is all a little stupid. What does it matter that I never tell her anything? I have nothing to tell her a lot of the time, and the rest of the time I'm just antagonistic without meaning to be.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 24, 2009 0:40:06 GMT
Mm... helpful. I roll my eyes at him, but twitch my lips upward and shake my head to make it less sarcastic. "I kind of meant in general, usually... but never mind. What the hell does it matter?"
It matters because I want to try and change the fact that we don't speak much, but why bother saying so?
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 24, 2009 9:45:34 GMT
And now I feel kind of obliged to answer properly, because I suppose it really does matter and it bothers me that we can't talk for more than a few minutes at a time. Which still doesn't change the fact that I don't really have an answer.
So I use the general default fallback of just shrugging and agree, "Never mind."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 25, 2009 3:42:40 GMT
And unfortunately, I can't even be annoyed at him for that because I said it first. Unless I change my mind of course.
"No... you know what, actually it does kind of matter. If we're going to try and change anything, we need to know why it is the way it currently is."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 25, 2009 8:40:34 GMT
"Right..." I say after a moment, because I suppose that does make sense so I probably am required to answer.
"Most of the time, I just don't have anything to say."
Because I don't talk much and I'm not particularly good at conversation when I do...or any kind of social interactions, actually.
"So...there you go, fucking fix that."
I don't know where that came from. Apart from maybe I'm still a little bit annoyed and am just getting a little bit frustrated at all the effort it's taking to try and change this.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 25, 2009 14:47:21 GMT
I scowl at him for that but opt not to let this turn back into a fight already if I can help it.
"All right, so how about the rest of the time when you do have something to say?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 25, 2009 21:37:52 GMT
"Then I generally just don't want to say it."
For one reason or another, or because I just don't feel like it. To be honest, I don't think she's going to get anywhere questioning me about this...because I don't know.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 26, 2009 3:22:18 GMT
I pause a moment, trying to think of a comeback for that one, then just shake my head. "Fine, that makes sense. And at this point I don't know what the hell we're talking about anyway so... I'm sorry and I'm going for a walk. I don't know anymore."
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