|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 17, 2009 21:23:15 GMT
I have precious little right to be as irritated as I am.
I mean, really...I think it's mostly just internally directed and that is annoying enough in itself, made worse by the fact that it won't go away and I've been in a bad mood for days.
Since Ruby, actually.
Stupid bitch.
I feel sort of like I've been tricked, like she somehow did it on purpose...just popped up to make me a cheater and get me caught in the act and then disappeared again. Probably a good thing, to all intents of purposes, that she's just disappeared and that I haven't see her and don't know where to find her...and I don't think I even would want to see her, but it's the principle. You don't do that...don't start declaring this and that and then fuck up their already fucked up relationship and then just disappear again.
It's not right.
But when the fuck did I acquire a conscience anyway?
I don't suppose it could be called a conscience, though, not really. I'm fairly sure that if I had the inclination, I could still probably kill somebody without an overpowering need to kill myself afterwards/repent/beg for absolution or something stupid like that.
It's just a selective little conscience, occasionally telling me that something is not right. It's objective and disassociative too, telling me that things aren't right and then not giving a shit or making me feel guilty...so I suppose it's even more selective and rare when said conscience tells me something is wrong and makes me feel bad.
And I do feel sort of bad.
Which is probably where the irritation stems from. The irritation and restlessness too.
I decided early on today that I would not leave the house and I'm sticking to it...for some reason, which has instead resulted in a restless pacing. I've been walking from one room to the next, with short pauses of reflecting in between, and I've been doing it for so long that I don't even notice or care about how stupid it is.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 18, 2009 1:36:51 GMT
It's been so long since I could talk to Riley without irritation or awkwardness - or both - that it almost feels like he's my best friend only by default, because I haven't got any others.There's also the fact that I care about him, too, the way one cares about a very good friend... or a brother... or a quasi-ex-almost-boyfriend who's still kept around as a backup just in case the current one screws up for good. Or whatever mix of those Riley happens to be.
In short, I really love him, but today was no exception as far as irritation goes. And added to the fact that yet again he wouldn't shut up about me and Logan... is the ever-present problem of Logan himself, and the reason that I went out in the first place.
It hurts to be cheated on, profoundly enough. It hurts to be told, not in so many words but close enough, that there is something wrong with you, some way in which you don't measure up even if he doesn't know why it is so you can't even fix it.
And I hate that every time I'm with Riley, no matter how close we come to what we used to be, we can never quite make it because there's always that little bit of awkwardness and temptation, and the idea that maybe this is all wrong, and maybe it would be best for everyone, Logan included, if I was with Riley instead. He could go run off with Shelby or Ruby or whoever the hell she is now, run away to Guam where he'll never get caught and they can plot to take over the world or whatever ex-deatheaters with some psychotic tendencies do.
And Riley would be happy, finally, which is something I'd really quite like and it kills me that every time I'm with me I feel like I'm messing him around some more even if I don't really mean to. I feel like just maintaining a friendship with him is keeping hope alive for us, and that's completely ridiculous so it just hurts him more in the long run, unless I give in to the inevitable and pick him instead.
And maybe it would even be best for me, in the long run, even if it would so much in the short term I'd never go through with it if offered the chance. Riley is right about that too, though - being with Logan is painful in the short term.
I want to know when and why my life turned into some stupid opera, find out who's responsible and make them change it back before I kill them. But in the meantime, I just make my way very slowly home after talking to Riley, glance over at Logan as he's pacing in the living room, and head past him to the kitchen without saying anything. I want someone to just turn my life off for a moment, and not turn it back until everything's back where it should be.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 18, 2009 10:54:21 GMT
It figures once, briefly, that Arden is home but then I pretty much ignore that and just go back to snapping at myself internally for a little while longer.
But then it does sort of filter through that she's actually been gone and I didn't even notice, ridiculously self-absorbed that I am. It's not that I thought she was here...just that I sort of didn't even consider the fact that if she wasn't here then she would be out.
I wonder, if I had noticed, how irritated that would have made me, and then why I'm even thinking in past tense because I have just noticed and it does sort of annoy me a little bit.
I think it's worry mostly...not concern, because she's a big girl now and she can look after herself...but more because I know what I did when she cheated on me...
And then I'm hit by a wave of paranoia...because I slept with Ruby - stupid bitch - when Arden kissed Riley. So if I kissed Ruby, then it stands to reason that I couldn't even do anything about it if she decided to...'get revenge'.
Which, of course, doesn't mean for one second that she has, but now that thought is in my head and it's stuck there and the mood I'm in is, apparently, bad enough for me to go and confront her about it. Or at least give me the chance to snap at someone out loud.
I head through to the kitchen, eventually, muttering, "Hey," because this is probably a bad idea and I should just go back to my pacing.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 18, 2009 14:12:59 GMT
I look up from frowning at the floor, leaning back against the countertop while I wait for tea to boil. I really don't know why I ever make it and hardly even drink it, but it's something to do, I suppose.
"Hey," I nod in return, not even trying to smile like I usually do. I'm not really sure how we should be anymore.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 18, 2009 14:33:42 GMT
I think I actually fucked this up beyond repair. At least before maybe we had a chance to fix it, but I don't even know if we do anymore.
So I let that irritate me for a few seconds, then eventually ask, "Where've you been?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 18, 2009 14:36:42 GMT
Out. Away. None of your business.
I shrug, looking away. "Talking to Riley."
Which normally, I think, isn't something I would tell him. But then maybe that's one of the many things wrong with this relationship.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 18, 2009 14:43:40 GMT
Should have known.
I think I already did know. It's as good as a confession, really, whether she honestly was just talking to Riley or whatever else my reliable paranoia has decided she's done with Riley.
So I think now would be a good time to just walk away and leave her to make her tea, but I think if I did that I'd just be stuck formulating ever worse scenario's of what she's potentially lying about.
Fuck, you're messed up.
Probably, but they do say cheater's tend to be even more paranoid about infidelity than their partners. But she started it, I suppose, so maybe I would have been paranoid anyway.
So after a moment of struggling to find a casual reply, I just go with the first thing that popped into my head and mutter, "Should have known."
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 18, 2009 14:52:10 GMT
I look back at him at that, raising my eyebrows as I wonder if it's just my imagination or if he really does sound accusing.
"You should've known what?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 18, 2009 14:58:50 GMT
I shrug and say, "Nothing."
Although it's not. I don't even know what it is, apart from ridiculous but completely irrepressible suspicion.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 18, 2009 15:02:45 GMT
"Doesn't seem like it's nothing," I argue, shaking my head despite the fact that I really don't actually want to be having this conversation right now, and I think I might be jumping to the conclusion that he's suspicious simply because I feel guilty about what almost happened.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 18, 2009 15:07:13 GMT
I don't know why she's arguing back and I really wish I'd just stayed in the other room and this thought had even struck me.
So I pretty much ignore her on the grounds that I don't know how to reply and ask instead, "Riley still being a prick or are you two friends again?"
And that really wasn't the right question to ask to stop myself being pissed, but if I'm going to be paranoid and suspicious I might as well do it properly.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 18, 2009 15:15:10 GMT
I eye him for a moment, half wondering what the catch is to that question, then tip my head in a conceding sort of nod. "Friends again."
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 18, 2009 15:19:55 GMT
Of course you are.
Oh shut up.
I'm getting pretty sick of being in my own head. I'm sure a normal person wouldn't care...or at least wouldn't be as annoyed by that, as I am.
I just shrug again and don't say anything, because I really do need to just stop thinking about that before I get too annoyed.
But it's not as if she hasn't kissed him before, it's not as if she hasn't even said to me that she half-wishes she was with him instead and therefore it's feasible that cheating on her could result in retaliation.
So I don't know.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 18, 2009 15:23:43 GMT
I glance at him again, thinking vaguely that I must've forgotten to actually tun the heat on 'cause the water should have boiled by now... ah, yes, I guess I did. Oh well.
"Nothing happened," I say after a moment, because I may as well, because it's really very likely we're both thinking of that and it isn't just me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 10:48:39 GMT
That doesn't help.
It probably just makes it worse, because she's denying something that neither of us said. The fact that we're both, apparently, thinking it doesn't really matter.
"I didn't say anything did fucking happen, did I?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 14:07:41 GMT
"No, but you seem to be implying it, and I may as well correct you right now instead of waiting for some stupid accusation," I shoot back, noting only after I've spoken that I seem to have raised my voice a bit and gotten annoyed without intending to.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 15:10:41 GMT
Not helping that she raises her voice like that either, because now it just sounds like she's being defensive and she wouldn't have reason to be defensive if nothing had happened.
I also can't think of a reply to that though and therefore choose to just scowl without saying anything.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 15:18:40 GMT
... Fine. Don't bloody say anything.
It's quite hard to argue with someone who just stands there and scowls like that... but I'm sure that I'll manage if given enough silence to fill.
"It's not as if you'd have much right to be outraged even if something did happen, incidentally," I find myself saying as if in confirmation of this. Because that really is a stupid thing to say right now.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 15:23:49 GMT
Which is true, but she's not allowed to say that. Not as if it would stop me being 'outraged' either.
"So what happened then? If I'm not allowed to be pissed, you might as well fucking tell me."
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 15:27:43 GMT
"Absolutely nothing, as I already fucking told you," I snap back. I wonder if I'd be more or less annoyed if I hadn't been considering having something happen. Probably less, to be honest... though I also would be less if I really was guilty.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 15:31:45 GMT
"Disappointed, are you?" I snap in response.
Well that was a change of tactic. I suppose with very limited evidence to support that she actually did anything, I might as well infer that she wanted something to happen.
I do have evidence for that. Like how I know she half-wishes she were with him instead of me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 15:36:28 GMT
"Yes, of course I am." I roll my eyes at that. "I wish I could go back in time and cheat on you again because it's just such a lovely thing to do." He's being a bit of an idiot, so I may as well resort to heavy sarcasm.
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 15:41:47 GMT
"Well, I don't know. You half-wish you were with Riley, right?" I reply irritably.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 15:46:07 GMT
I wince slightly at that, then shake my head. "No, no I don't. I did, or have, or... something, at some points, but I really, really don't. And I'm not going to hurt you like that again, even if you somewhat deserve it."
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 15:49:34 GMT
"Right."
I wish she'd continued arguing or something...because there's really not much to argue with in that, so all I can do is try and keep my voice as full of disbelief and scorn as possible which is not hard considering I'm still pissed off.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 15:54:15 GMT
I'd really love to know right now why he's the one who cheated - most recently, anyway - and I'm the one having to defend myself when he seems determined not to believe me.
"Fuck you," I mutter in response, shaking my head. "Look, I thought very briefly about letting something happen, half to get revenge and half... doesn't matter, but not because I'd rather be with him than you. But I didn't, and you haven't any right or reason right now to be accusatory."
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 16:01:48 GMT
"Fuck you," I repeat back to her, instinctively with no conscious forethought, but then I'm more concerned with the rest of what she's said.
There's a little triumphance that I was at least a little bit right, but I'm mostly just more annoyed than before.
"What's the half that doesn't matter?"
If it was half to get revenge, I want to know what the other half was.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 16:05:24 GMT
"Nothing, doesn't matter," I mutter, shaking my head. I maybe should've thought before I spoke, but if I was good at that we might not even be arguing right now. "I told you what it wasn't, so other than that it doesn't matter."
|
|
|
|
Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 20, 2009 16:08:26 GMT
"It fucking matters!"
Just like everything else that supposedly doesn't matter but does. Like whether or not she believes that I love her. Like the fact that she half-wishes she was with Riley.
It matters and I'm in the sort of mood where I really require an answer.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Mar 20, 2009 16:13:40 GMT
"Fine, if it'll make you feel better." I sigh frustratedly, shaking my head. "The other half-reason was to make him feel better. If it helps, it's been half out of pity that I've wanted to be with him at all. That and you're a psychopath, but I'm thinking you already guessed that."
I feel like a traitor or something, saying that about Riley, though I'm not certain why.
|
|
