change (logan)

[Arden Patricks]

I think it's pretty obvious that something needs to change with me and Logan. It's all well and good to spend a few hours kissing and touching and etcetera, but it doesn't really help the underlying problem. And it sure as hell doesn't answer the question of whether there's actually a decent reason we're together or if it's all some stupid lust thing mixed with caring. Because I am pretty certain there should be more to it than that, and if that's all there is then it doesn't matter how much it hurts because we really shouldn't be together.

But we barely even talk to each other; when we do I usually manage to accuse him of being inhuman or tell him that I'd let him die or something lovely like that; and then, apart from that, we're neither of us normal but especially him. And I don't know if that part can change - if so it won't exactly be easy and it's hardly very fair to ask him to try, but I don't know either if there's any way that I can change instead. Honestly, I already have, mostly without paying any attention, and I'm not sure if the change is a good one.

I try not to cry as much as I would naturally. I try to hold it back. I've toughened myself up, just like when I was little and pretended that it didn't bother me to watch my friends kill squirrels because I'd rather suffer silently than have to leave the group. That's not healthy, is it?

But maybe I just need to stop comparing him to Travis... and stop giving half-veiled insults for him to live down to. And maybe, just maybe, he can change just a little bit too and we can fix this.
And if not... I'll live. It's not the end of the world if I never fall in love again, right? Especially if this isn't even really love?

[Logan Andrews]

I have looked at the situation from several angles now, and I think that I have a fairly good grasp on what the hell is going on.
So on the one hand, I have this completely doomed, stuttering and failing relationship with Arden...which may well be beyond redemption. On the other hand, there is Ruby who has successfully turned me into a cheater and reckons that I should be with her anyway, but who also sort of scares me.
Not that she's particularly menacing, but her general disposition is a little frightening and I wish that she wouldn't suddenly start proclaiming this and that and then not letting me escape.
There's two sides to that in itself, of course. One side being that she is, seemingly, more unbalanced than I am and thus a little scary...the other being that in the conversation leading up to her suddenly going crazy like she did, I felt more affinity with another human being that I've felt in a very long time.

But relationship troubles aside, I've come to the conclusion that I am just confused...and possibly undergoing some sort of identity crisis, but that's been happening for a while now.
It is very disconcerting to only start trying to work out who I am now, and I probably should have got round to it sooner rather than just ignoring any semblance of personality and shutting it away so I could focus on being generally psychotic and sadistic.
My own fault, I suppose, for having such messed up priorities at such a crucial point in my life, but it doesn't make it any easier to struggle through knowing that I'm the one who did this to myself. If anything, it probably just makes it a little worse.

In theory though, this identity trouble I'm having could possibly be a good thing...because I'm fairly sure that when Arden says something needs to change, she means that I need to change.
But I can't quite seem to, and I don't think that I will. I'll try, of course, but probably fail in the end...
Because you know I'm right. It won't work Logan, you and Arden.
Another reason why I hate being around Ruby, why I don't care what sort of weird feelings she's decided she's going to aim my way...because she gets in my head and I hate it, and sometimes it sort of feels like she's still there even when she's not. So whether she's right or not, she's still insufferable.
Sort of insufferable anyway.
And also possibly one of the only people anywhere I can relate to.

So maybe whatever affection is floating around for Ruby is really just misguided, just the lingering aftermath of relief from being able to unburden my growing discontent with my lot in life.
But if that's the case, whatever affection is floating around for Arden...love, supposedly, is just loyalty, gratitude, a bit of lust but mostly familiarity, because she's always been there and she's something safe and familiar that I can keep going back to so I can feel alright.
Although maybe that's wearing a little thin...just like everything else, because it is so much hard work and it's probably not going to be long before one of us decides it's dragged on for long enough.
Or maybe I'm just pissed off that she doesn't believe me that I love her, making me doubt that I love her...pissed off that it isn't working because I really want it to...pissed off because 'she's boring and plain looking and we don't match up' or whatever the fuck it was that Ruby was going on about.

You just want what we have to be with Arden.
Now there is something true that she said, because...actually, I think that I really do.
I would really like it to be as easy as it is to be close to Ruby with Arden. I would really like to be able to be as honest with Arden as I can be with Ruby...although maybe that's more because I know Ruby's unhinged and probably will not be disturbed and/or disgusted with anything that I could possibly say.
But it's not like that, and I'd really like it to be, but I don't know what it is that has to change and how I would go about changing it. But I would try...if I knew.
Which just brings me back round, full circle.
So maybe I don't have as good a grasp on things as I would like, because thinking my way round in huge circles is not actually that helpful with solving anything at all and just serves to make me more painfully aware of the whole predicament.

...What the hell?
As is typical for most of these circular and frustrating dilemma's that I think myself into, I've been going over all of this on a walk...retreating back into my head and letting my subconscious lead me around, so I end up returning to reality with a brief unpleasant jolt as I find myself back at Arden's already.
Very clever, I congratulate my subconscious mind sarcastically, nodding externally to back myself up, You think you're funny, do you? Interrupting my walk?
Apparently, I do, because I'm answered with silence and then have to face up to the fact that I'm mentally conversing with myself again and this is not good.
So before I can do it again, I just concentrate fully on letting myself into the house and then wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do now.
I'm not sure I was quite finished walking, come to think of it.

[Arden Patricks]

I'm not really certain how long I've been sitting here, sideways on the couch and frowning at my knees, before the door opens. But it is long enough that I'm a little lightheaded once I finally look up and I have to close my eyes for a moment before the room stops spinning. Not that I really need to look to see who it is anyway.
"Hey," I nod, managing a very faint smile. "Where've you been?"
Out, as always. Wandering. It doesn't really need to be asked but at least it's something to say so that maybe, just maybe we can actually properly talk to each other and somehow find a way to fix this. Because... to hell with all the speculation. I love him and like that he's here and if there's any way at all to make things better I want to try it.

[Logan Andrews]

"Hey," I respond, trying for a brief smile in response but possibly not quite managing.
There's a brief flare of guilt of course, taking precedence over the jumble of whatever else sees fit to jump into my head at the moment. The guilt is the strangest thing, the least familiar, of course...because I've slept with Ruby before while being with Arden and the only thing I felt bad about was telling her afterwards. This time, I only kissed her...but it's different because it's bordering on actually have significance, rather than cheating out of spite. So I suppose that's why there's guilt.

And I have a sudden urge to defend her...even though I didn't earlier, to tell her she's not plain after all and this isn't pointless and I do want to try...even if she'll have no idea what I'm talking about.
So I don't say anything, and after a perhaps slightly too long pause, I head over to sit next to her because we established last time that she's not supposed to ask me to do that.
"Just...out, for a walk. You just been sitting here?"

[Arden Patricks]

"For a while," I shrug, when he's finally answered me. "And thinking, though that probably goes without saying." Kind of like you having gone on a walk kind of goes without saying, but I'm not going to add that because I'm already bordering on rambling.
And I also don't miss the fact that apparently he really is trying, because at the very least he's come to sit over here instead of staying away from me. That's something.

[Logan Andrews]

I nod briefly, then ask just because it's something to say and I don't really feel like sitting here in silence, "About anything in particular?"

[Arden Patricks]

I hesitate briefly, then shrug. "Us, mainly, I guess."

[Logan Andrews]

"Ah..." I mutter, wondering why for some reason I didn't quite expect that, but then not knowing how to elaborate.

[Arden Patricks]

"Nothing terribly bad, I don't think," I say, raising my eyebrows at him in something near amusement at his reaction.

[Logan Andrews]

"Oh...that's alright then," I decide, happening to glance at her to catch her expression and adding wryly, "What?"

[Arden Patricks]

"I don't know, you just seemed kind of... wary, when I said that." I smile slightly. "It amused me."

[Logan Andrews]

"Well, I'm glad you can draw amusement at my expense," I reply dryly, deciding not to comment on...the wariness.
Of course I'm going to be wary when she says something like that, considering the huge roundabout thought process I've been following for a while now, considering the nagging feeling reminding me that I am guilty and I should confess before it gets out of hand.

[Arden Patricks]

"Sorry," I say, but smile faintly anyway. "What, can't you take being made fun of a bit?"

[Logan Andrews]

I shake my head at her apology, not wanting it, then raise an eyebrow and say lightly, "Maybe a bit...occasionally."

[Arden Patricks]

"How occasionally?" I ask, raising my eyebrows again. "You know... just so I know, and don't... surpass the allotted quota for teasing and accidentally hurt your feelings."

[Logan Andrews]

"Well, how often you get away with it...will probably depend on the nature of the teasing," I nod.
And really this is all very silly and I don't think I'm in quite a good enough mood to be having this sort of conversation today, because the stupid little voice won't shut up telling me to confess already and get it over with.

[Arden Patricks]

"All right...." I nod. "Very non-specific, but I'll take it." And I guess I'm not in that much of a teasing mood today, or maybe I was but it deflated it already, so then I just shrug and lean forward to kiss him softly.
I don't expect anything back, and I really don't want it to be honest because that's not going to get us anywhere. But that shouldn't mean I can't just kiss him once before sitting back again and hugging my knees up to my chest.

[Logan Andrews]

"Well, I have to be able to change the rules whenever it suits me, so it has to be non-specific," I answer with a small shrug.
And I mean that in a the same way as the rest of the conversation, obviously, but it's probably fairly true. I tend to do that anyway, just change the rules.
I kiss her briefly back, but am fairly glad when she sits back again because otherwise I really don't think I could take it...because my brain's just started running a comparison between her and Ruby and I don't know why but I wish it'd shut up.
So I end up glancing determinedly away and over at the opposite wall as if she's suddenly going to know anyway.

[Arden Patricks]

"'Course," I say dryly, rolling my eyes a bit. "Wouldn't want to take away your power."
But then I frown slightly, wondering why he's looking so deliberately away from me. I look down at my hands, mood sinking slightly. So much for progress.

[Logan Andrews]

"Very considerate of you," I note after a moment, turning back to look her way again after a brief hesitation when I think that I can without blurting out something stupid.

[Arden Patricks]

"Mm," I nod, but don't bother actually saying anything. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this, and it's just the usual crash. I don't know.

[Logan Andrews]

I don't know when I acquired a conscience, but I wish I could trade it in for one that isn't so malicious and self-loathing and...persistant.
So I suppose it's probably a mix of getting to the point where I'll do pretty much anything to shut it up, the fact that it's going to get silent again and I hate it when that happens, and the new-found resolution of trying to make this work and figuring that honesty might be a part of that.
So I say after a heartbeat's pause, "So...I ran into...Ruby, earlier."
And I don't know why I don't just come out with it right away, but I suppose I want to gage her reaction first.

[Arden Patricks]

I frown slightly, looking back up at him, and wondering if I'm really that out of it because somehow I don't know who or what he's talking about.
"... Sorry, Ruby?" I ask, shaking my head.

[Logan Andrews]

"Shelby?" I try again, because sometimes I forget that Ruby doesn't even exist...or whatever, half the time.

[Arden Patricks]

"Ah, right." I nod, then shrug. "And?"
I ran into her too, I remember now. And that was very strange. So I suppose perhaps she was just as strange when she ran into him and that must be why he's telling me this.

[Logan Andrews]

"And..." Pause, while I search for a not-cruel or flippant way to say it then decide that it's probably best not to say anything anyway and shrug, "Nothing, really. Just trying to fill silence."
And now I can just hope that she doesn't remember what happened the last time I ran into Shelby...Ruby...whoever and we can talk about something else without spastic interventions from my newly discovered conscience.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, frowning further and biting the inside of my lip because that was very strange and maybe I'm just being paranoid but I feel like that can't be it. I'm not going to press it though, not yet, even though I have a sudden sinking feeling at the thought of what happened the last time they ran into each other.
But no... never mind that.
"She stopped by here, actually, while you gone," I mention after a moment, hoping that it's clear I mean while he was gone rather than just out. "... I'm still not really sure why, though, other than to cry about Fitzy."

[Logan Andrews]

"Oh..." I say with a shrug after a brief pause, for some reason made a little uneasy or uncomfortable or something about that...although I don't know why, "That must have been...unpleasant."
Not sure if that's the right word although I can't think of a better one.

[Arden Patricks]

"It was... odd, mostly." I shrug. "I mean, for one thing, I don't know why anyone would cry over Fitzy... though, then again, I'm sure she thought the same about me being upset over you. So she decided we should have some female bonding time or something."
The whole... event, situation, whatever it was... still has the quality in my mind of a very strange fever dream. Partly because I was dazed and bemused, but mainly it was just so inexplicable.

[Logan Andrews]

I decide not to comment on anything about Fitzy on the grounds that I could very easily say the wrong thing, but smirk very slightly at the phrase 'female bonding time' because for some reason I find that amusing.
Maybe it's just in the context.