frustration (ruby)

[Logan Andrews]

I guess things are sort of normal.
There's not much of an actual normal, and normal is sort of the problem anyway...or lack thereof, but I guess the frustration is normal and the frustration is certainly back.
The frustration that gets directed internally, externally, with the stupid routine, with the stupid situation, with everything.

Funny, really. How easy it is to slip back into a routine.
After spending days...or possibly a couple of weeks, I'm not sure...wandering around and moping because I couldn't take the fact that it was over with Arden and because I miss her and love her so much more when I know I can't have her.
There's probably significance in that, but if I put too much effort into picking it apart I probably wouldn't like what I'd work out at all.

So I'm sort of deliberately bucking my own routine today.
Instead of moping about indoors and wandering around Knockturn Alley or muggle housing estates, I'm here instead.
It's probably a sign of stupidity that I don't even feel threatened, being in such a busy wizarding place...but I figure that if they haven't caught me yet, I'm probably dealing with people who are even stupider than I am and therefore they won't catch me for a while yet.
Because, really, it's getting ridiculous and very out of hand.
What on earth are they thinking? Letting convicted serial murderers wander around like this?

Yet another thing I'm a little frustrated about, actually.
At first it was good, that I seem to be able to get away with escaping from Azkaban and occasionally even venturing to places like Hogsmeade, or places like this, without much of a threat at all.
Now I'm almost hoping that something will happen. I don't want to end up in Azkaban, not at all, but it'd be nice if I could at least play with a couple of aurors. Maybe if I killed off a couple, they'd take their missing prisoner situation a little more seriously.

Or maybe I've just been in here a little too long if I'm thinking like that, sitting at the bar in silence and flinching every time someone comes too close because it seems I've become very sensitive about my inability to make physical contact lately.
Not as if I'm drunk though, either, because I've spent most of the time I've been sat here this evening staring off into space and contemplating the fact that I'm extremely frustrated and have no idea what to do about it.
Lovely.

[Shelby Crescent]

Now that is just interesting. Why in the world is Logan Andrews sitting in a wizarding and somewhat muggle establishment? He's a wanted deatheater, presumably in both worlds. Is he really sitting here waiting to get caught? His life couldn't be that miserable, he has a girlfriend... Arlene, Abby or Angela... who really cares.

Anyway the only reason why I'm even here is because Shelby gave up on life again. Boo hoo, another man plays with her heart and feelings and she gets all depressed. Seriously, if I did that everytime someone broke up with me or even didn't return my feelings I would just kill him or torture him.

I get up and walk over to where he was sitting and take a seat next to him, as I take a drink from my double shot of my firewhisky. "So Andrews, what are you doing here? Drowning your sorrows once again I see? What's wrong your girlfriend kick you to the curb?" I ask as I tuck a strand of the brown hair back behind my ear. "You know I'm only teasing love. She wouldn't leave you, just a surprise that you're actually here of all places."1

[Logan Andrews]

I glance briefly next to me, realising belatedly that I've just acquired some company and thus missing the first few words of her sentence. I do, however, catch my surname and have an instinctual urge to tell her to keep it down a little.
So I guess I'm not completely idiotic at least, not stupid enough to lose all of my self-preservation.

"Ah...you," I mutter intelligently in response.
I don't know what her surname is at the moment, nor am I quite sure what her first name is today. I've definitely learnt the difference now, so I don't think I'm going to revert to my default of just calling her Ruby.
Also, the last thing I heard about her...she was pregnant with what was possibly my child and then didn't hear anything more about that, so promptly pushed it out of my mind and focused on other things.

I am inclined to believe this is Ruby over Shelby at the moment though, the way she talks and the way she looks and the fact that she came over here to talk to me in the first place are giveaways, really.
So after a moment, I add, "Ruby, what do you want?"

[Shelby Crescent]

"You huh? Never can get used to that greeting love." I say with a faint sigh. I let a hand fall on his shoulder as I take another slight sip from the drink in my hand. "Don't worry, the baby isn't there. Shell lost it for some reason... I don't know so not worries love. I doubt you would want another kid. I don't want one at all." I add laughing a bit. "That would be scary you and I, parents together?"

"Nothing, nothing, wondering why you're here in the first place Logan. After all of all the wizards in the world, you'd be the last one in my opinion that should be out and about hun." Hearing his thoughts, I tilt my head to the side. "You really can tell the difference in our appearances can't you?" I ask looking down at my clothes. They were still hers but ones that she never wore, a black dress that was on her knee and a pair of matching high heels. Funny how Shell kept clothes that were in Ruby's preferences, it was almost like she was begging me to take over.

[Logan Andrews]

I turn to look at her properly then, not because I want to but because I can use the movement as an opportunity to shrug her hand off my shoulder.
Maybe she's get away with it if I was in a better mood, but I'm not so she doesn't, because today I've decided to inexplicably up my aversion to physical contact from just intimacy to all physical contact.
"She lost it?" I mutter, "Thank God for that."
I'm not going to reply to anything else though, because now I can just know that it's gone and pretend it never happened and not have to worry about it again. Lovely.

"Well, maybe it's none of your business why I'm here," I shrug, but quickly lose track of whatever hostile thing I was going to add to that when I get distracted, because she's right and I can definitely tell the difference now that I spare her a proper glance...an appreciative glance.
But I just answer, "Hm," in case the question wasn't rhetorical, and go on to ask before I can get further distracted, "What are you doing in here, anyway?"

[Shelby Crescent]

I remove my hand and shrug a little. He'll warm up to me later on, he always seems to. As he says I'd have to be somewhat attractive if he would ever consider talking to me or anything past that. "Yeah tell me about it. She really doesn't need another kid... another one to drive me crazy myself." I add to his comment before sighing lightly.
Now it seems that he's ignoring me which causes me to glare at him slightly. Logan knows how that bothers me and how frustrated I get, but seeing the previous topic I sigh again and let it go... this time.

"Just a simple question I thought. Must be something up then if you're more defensive than normal and tilt my head slightly as a smirk appears on my red lips now. "I'll take that as a yes Logan." I laugh again before ordering another couple double shots of firewhisky. "I'm just plotting really on how to ruin her life as usual. It's seems to be the only thing I can do now besides kill a random muggle but it doesn't feel the same anymore. Thinking of making her quit quidditch and sleep with a couple random guys but that seems a little too predictable. What do you think love?"

[Logan Andrews]

"Not one of your best expressions," I note lightly, referring to the glare.
I suppose I have to be a little bit careful at least, being as I'm talking to Ruby rather than her weak-minded alter ego, and not offend her too much.
"Well, maybe it's something I don't want to share with you," I shrug, which is true, which is why I'm being careful to mind my thoughts now that she's here as well.
I raise an eyebrow at that, because I don't know what to say to that. I wonder if she knows how weird it is to listen to her talk about how to ruin her other self's life, but then just shrug, "I think that I'm going to stay out of your affairs and leave you to it. Good luck though, and kudos on being such a bitch."
I might mean this as an insult at any other time, but it's more congratulatory in the context, and considering who I'm talking to.

[Shelby Crescent]

I shrug lightly. "Of course not. I think smirking is personally." I say lightly as well as I sigh at him. "Don't make me read your thoughts Logan. You know I can and I will if I have to." I add pursing my lips to side as if that would really intimidate him in any way possible.
"Thanks I suppose. It would be easier if a man of your caliber could assist me I guess not." I say with a light shrug of my right bare shoulder. I have to admit Shelby does have a good taste in clothing in some aspects. "So then you're just here drinking... that's sort of odd for you."

[Logan Andrews]

"I'm not making you do anything. I'd rather you stayed the hell out of my head, thanks."
Because I don't know what's going on in my head, and I have to know before she does. That's only fair.
I raise an eyebrow after a split second, but decide not to comment on her pursing her lips like that because I'm not even sure what that expression is supposed to mean.
"Well...I'm not...that man, lately," I shrug. 'A man of your calibre' is certainly a new one though...don't think I've heard that before, so it's briefly amusing, as well as thoroughly frustrating because if I'm not a man of that calibre...then who the hell am I anyway?
"Yes, I'm here drinking," I take a swig of firewhisky at this point to emphasise the point, "So feel free to join me or bugger off...but stop asking questions."

[Shelby Crescent]

"Alright, alright I'll let you figure it out first instead of me poking around to see what's going on like normal seeing as one of the people in this world I do actually respect and care about..." I mumble as my arms have found themselves crossed protectively over my chest. I never admit feelings, most people don't even think I have any and that's the way I like it. For me to even show a glimpse of that side of me is rare.
"Pity. I still think you are though love." I add as I lean over and kiss his cheek as I return to my firewhisky on the bar.
"Fine, but I'm not promising anything. Just tell me this then. What's going on with you and what's her name... Arlene? Arden? That's it, Arden."

[Logan Andrews]

"Ah...right." I hesitate awkwardly, clearly caught off guard by that, clear my throat and nod briefly at the bar.
Since when did Ruby say things like that? Ever?
So I don't even snap at her when she kisses my cheek as I might have done a few seconds ago, cripplingly awkward as things have just gotten - at least on my end.
I respect her too, obviously, to a certain degree anyway. And I think I've discussed with Shelby whether or not I ever cared about her, and the answer varies according to my mood and how honest I feel like being, so it's fairly mutual...sort of. But there's no reason to say it, and I thought I was safe from that sort of thing with a companion like her.
I recover after a moment, shaking my head briefly instead of answering properly, "Why do you care what's going on?"
Not that I know how to describe it either, because the term 'girlfriend' doesn't really seem to cover it...especially messed up as it all is, because we're so fucking abnormal.

[Shelby Crescent]

I look at him and sigh lightly. "Yeah I know. It's weird coming from me as I've never really said anything like that in life except for once but I didn't really mean it and was trying to get out of some family thing that I was forced into going..." I ramble before realizing he probably doesn't care about my petty life.
"Let me guess you just look at me as a fuck buddy occasionally right?" I ask with a straight face as I finish another shot of firewhisky.
"Didn't you hear me... I care about you. I want to make sure things are okay or not I guess. I don't know just trying to make conversation. Forgive me for trying to be normal. It seems that I can't be normal... huh." I say more to myself now. Oh well, I was always far from normal.

[Logan Andrews]

And now you're rambling.
I don't think I need to say that though, being as she probably already knows that she is and she possibly heard it anyway.
"Well, it sounds callous when you put it like that," I answer with a shrug, "But fuck buddy seems like an accurate term, I suppose."
Fuck buddy who I hold some affection for would probably be more accurate, but I see no need to add that.
I shake my head in response to most of that, shrugging it off so I don't have to respond, but the last part catches and strikes a chord.
Huh.
"You know, I think I know exactly how you feel there though."
Because trying to be normal is very hard, especially when you're just not...and it always leads back to that exact conclusion, the 'it seems that I can't be normal' conclusion.

[Shelby Crescent]

I smile faintly at him, a real actual smile after hearing his thoughts. I knew I was rambling but for some reason it was just funny to me that I assumed right.
"Really... it's the truth. I don't like to beat around the bush as they say. You positive that's it? Maybe dislike, annoyance anything like that as well? You can be honest." I glance up at him before biting my lip. "I don't think we're meant to be normal. Like we couldn't possibly be in a normal family, friendship or even relationship. Everything just spirals out of control but you can't help but come back for more and you don't know why besides the little voice in your head saying you should try to be normal... and I'm rambling again right?" I say laughing a bit before actually looking at him in the eye for once instead of frowning and glaring at my hands or some other object within my eyesight.

[Logan Andrews]

"...Don't think I will elaborate, actually."
Because I can't express myself, at all, and it's too hard and ridiculous to even bother trying to say something like...'Yeah, actually, there's a bit of affection there too, as well as just using you for a fuck every now and again...I certainly wouldn't kill you and I might be a little bit pissed if someone else did, just a little. Sometimes I'm glad to see you, but most of the time I wish you'd go away because you confuse me and I don't know if one minute I could be talking to you, and the next that bitch of an alter-ego is going to come back and take you away again.'
I wince at that, realising belatedly that I just forgot that I was trying to be careful with my thoughts and therefore probably should stunt the internal monologue in future before it can hand her information like that.
But then I pause again, because honestly...I've tried to explain it to myself a fair few times as well, but even if she was rambling...she hit the nail on the head pretty much.
So I just glance firmly back at the bar and avoid eye contact, murmuring eventually, "Yeah...sounds about right...even if you were rambling."

[Shelby Crescent]

I stare at him before feeling a weak smile cross my lips again. So he does care even if it's a little. This actually does surprise me first off because well it's Logan and I always thought he was incapable of any kind of happy emotion like myself. Obviously that was proven wrong on both accounts today. I had to laugh though at the bitch of an alter-ego part though. Usually everyone calls me the alter-ego and it always was stupid how they could figure that, just because she's the nicer of us two.
"So it seems we have more in common than we thought there Logan. Both trying to be normal, both failing at it, and both of us have some kind of weird mutual caring and affection for each other. Just odd... in a good way though you think?" I ask softly feeling some stupid red flush appearing on my fairly pale cheeks.
I don't ever recall blushing except one time in the past and it was with him as well but I choose to erase the reason why from my head years ago and I can't recall it at all now but I wish it would stop before he stares at me as if I have developed a second head or something.

[Logan Andrews]

"Hm." I murmur, which while it's not quite an articulate response makes about as much sense as everything else that's going on here.
I came here to be less confused...or at least more apathetic. The whole concept of drowning my sorrows, I suppose, whether they are sorrows or just annoyances.
Maybe that would have worked as well, until she came in here and started...started...doing whatever it is that she's doing.
Probably manipulating me somehow. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. She must want something, for some reason...and is just manipulating it out of me, just pulling my strings until she gets it...whatever it is that she even wants. I don't know what it is yet, but there's no way that this is spontaneous or genuine. Or maybe I'm just paranoid.
Who knows anymore?
"Right, well..." I glance up at her in time to catch her blush and forget whatever I was going to say, replacing it with, "...I should probably be going."
Before this gets any weirder than it already is.

[Shelby Crescent]

"Wait a second, you can't just get up and leave... oh forget it. Why do I. Damnit... I sound like Shelby. See what you've done!" I say loudly as I bite my lip before deciding to hit my head on the bar a couple times as if that would wake me from some nightmare I've having right now or something but it's not working... fuck.
"I didn't want to blush if that's why you're leaving, it just appeared and we were actually having a normal conversation, something we've both been trying to do with others and ironically two of the most unnormal people can. Why leave now and just face the facts love."

[Logan Andrews]

I'm slightly taken aback by all that, and just sink back down onto the chair from where I've made to get up in an attempt to placate her so she hopefully doesn't concuss herself on the bar.
But that sort of reminds me of Arden knocking her head back against the wall and I wince and think maybe I should get back up and leave again...because somehow it feels sort of...unfaithful, almost, and I don't even know why that is.
"Fine...no leaving..." I amend under my breath.

[Shelby Crescent]

I huff a strand of hair out of my face before glancing up at him with a nod. "Okay... good. So um. What is so weird about admitting all of that to me? I pretty much told you how I felt and you know that's difficult for me out of all people..." I say softly looking up at him for a second before looking to hands out of habit. Maybe I should leave or him... this is awkward after all.

[Logan Andrews]

"Well, for one thing, I didn't admit anything to you. You just went poking around and found it," I correct, even though I didn't exactly make it hard to find so I suppose that's my own fault.
But maybe if I'd chosen to tell her that, it wouldn't be as weird. Bloody mind readers.
"And I know that it's difficult...hence why maybe you should have not said anything."
Or let me leave.
Because I don't like this at all, and maybe it's only weird because we know it's weird and that's bending things all out of proportion.

[Shelby Crescent]

"I can't help it when you're practically screaming it in your head. To me it sounds as loud as if you were to say it verbally so it's your fault." I say defensively as my arms make their way over my chest again. Seriously why am I really even bothering on trying to have a conservation with him right now? It's just weird and well... normal. Is this normal though? Having a random conservation about how each other feel whether he says it aloud or not? I'm just going to say it is and ignore how weird this sounds in my head.
"But we're trying to be normal aren't we? Normal people are all open with their feelings and all mushy that way. It's weird feeling to us cause we're not normal, but I was trying to be normal anyway."
I glance back at my hands before sighing a bit, as I can't think of anything thing else to say and for some reason I really want to kiss him, but I won't yet. He'll just freak out and leave if I do and I don't want him to leave so I'll just pretend to be occupied with staring at my hands.

[Logan Andrews]

"My fault?" I repeat incredulously, "Thoughts are private. You should work on leaving them alone. Thus...your fault."
Probably immature, but at least I can argue about something. It feels way more natural to argue than to try and force whatever strange sort of conversation we would otherwise be having.
"Normal people aren't necessarily open, either," I mutter, because arguing really is reassuring, "Or honest...or anything else."

[Shelby Crescent]

"So then you're saying that every normal person lies, cheats and steals to get through life like we have? Then why aren't we normal then? Explain that one seeing as you know everything." I say bitterly back to him. So much for a normal conversation. Now instead we're bickering about what is normal and what's not. I guess it's somewhat productive as we were trying to figure out why we weren't normal so this works too.

[Logan Andrews]

"I'm saying...that normal people are not saints," I explain slowly, with a slightly condescending edge, "People lie, cheat and steal...maybe not as much as we've done...but it's not as if that sort of behaviour is abnormal. We're just exaggerated, Ruby. We're fucking...fucking caricatures of what bad people are supposed to be."
And it's actually a relief to be able to say 'we' rather than 'I', but I try not to focus on that.

[Shelby Crescent]

I sigh lightly realizing that he has made a valid point in this argument. If any normal person did as much lying, cheating or stealing as we have combined I think they would go crazy and try to kill themselves. That's what makes them normal and that's why we aren't because it doesn't effect us at that great of an emotional level. This is now actually making sense and I hate it.

"So then we're screwed over then and can't ever be normal? This is too frustrating... it's our faults though. We choose to be bad people as you said, so in the end we became fucked up and abnormal... and people who want us to live normal lives can't understand why we can't be normal. So really we should just be with abnormal people as well so we don't have to explain ourselves to normal people. Is this making any logical sense?" I ask after I think aloud again as I glance over at him with a frown clouding my face.

[Logan Andrews]

"Basically, yes, we're screwed and repeated attempts at normalcy will just inevitably lead to failure and depression, which will, in turn, inspire renewed attempts with the same result," I mutter.
Or maybe that was more self-insight, more the sudden ability to phrase the past few weeks, or months, or however long...into a semi-short and barely concise sentence.
I lose the thread of thought when I get round to taking in 'so really we should just be with abnormal people' part of her sentence and instead frown at the bar for a moment, because it makes me a little uncomfortable and I feel like I should respond to that but don't know how.
I shrug after a moment, "But yes...that made sense."

[Shelby Crescent]

"Well then why do we even try then? Seriously, I'm not going to keep running in circles just to make a hopefully normal relationship work. It's just not worth the time and effort." I say shaking my head as I look at the empty firewhisky shot glasses.
"Alright then." I nod before glancing back over to him. "So why not just give up on the normal people and try dating each other. Nothing could go terribly wrong right?" I ask slowly, knowing this will probably make him feel even more uncomfortable and most likely leave but I'm pretending that he'll agree or just ignore my statement even and stay.

[Logan Andrews]

"I'm sure there are plenty of things that could go terribly wrong," I murmur awkwardly, now staring even harder at the bar.
And also I love Arden, although that slips my mind in the time it takes to respond and then it's too late to add it. And I do love her, whether she fucking believes me or not.

[Shelby Crescent]

"Like what exactly is that then? If she doesn't believe you about you loving her why try?" I ask with a sigh as I turn to face him. I slide my index finger under his chin and turn it towards me. "Tell me why I'm not good enough for you." I sigh again with a deep frown etching onto my red lips.