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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 23, 2009 20:05:26 GMT
Would you just... disappear or what?
I guess...I suppose so, yes.
That's the part of the conversation which is running through my head today, being all present and forward so I can pick it apart and try and remember exactly what I was thinking at that point.
It's not quite as painful as the So...I guess this is it then but it is more inclined to make me cringe, because I haven't quite managed to disappear or what, yet.
I don't know why.
Wasn't that a part of the reasoning?
Being able to leave, I mean. Because sticking around is...was...still is stupid and I honestly don't want to get caught and sent back to Azkaban, and hanging around just for the sake of some girl was stupid.
Hm, funny how she's been downgraded to the status of 'some girl' already.
Also funny how I'd probably do anything right now to be able to think of anything else but whenever I try my mind conveniently goes blank until I start to dissect the conversation again.
It was all logical really, nice, cool, plain logic and logic doesn't hurt because logic is rational and reassuring.
Well, it used to be anyway.
Not so sure anymore.
Logic is apparently beyond my grasp lately, since...well, just since.
Because if I was being logical I really would have gone by now and be...somewhere else, doing...something else, but as it was I just decided to hang around here for a little while and have done with it.
If I was being logical, I'd also probably be able to acknowledge that alcohol worsens bad situations.
I don't seem to quite take alcohol like a normal person though. Never have. I tend to be immune to addictions like drugs and alcohol and smoking and able to quit and then resume them at any point that I want. It's just the sadism and murdering habits that I have a problem with kicking, but I don't suppose they really matter anymore either.
Nothing much matters to me right now. Melodramatic as that is, it's the honest truth.
I'm sure self-preservation will flick right back on in just a little while.
I wonder if it's significant that I wound up in the same bar that Riley and I had that nice little talk in however long ago that it was.
Tiny insignificant place just off Knockturn Alley, but it's just gloomy enough that it sort of matches my mood and that, at least, is satisfying.
If it was a rowdy bar, one full of obnoxious loud groups of people...I'd probably kill someone.
Well, I say that...but I don't think I would. I recognise my own frame of mind most of the time and right now it's sort of off-kilter, shaded thickly with grey and sort of hazy, lethargic and moody, and it's definitely not the right sort of mind for killing someone because that requires at least...at least one little spark of irritation.
So at least I don't think I'm in any danger of killing someone.
Hardly comforting.
I'm not really drawing any comfort from firewhisky either, but that could be because I haven't been here that long yet.
I don't know how long I intend to stay, nor do I know where I'll end up sleeping tonight or where I'll go tomorrow, and I find that sort of funny in a way. Because I'm so used to that and because I actually missed it, sort of, when everything was semi-stable, for however brief a time.
That's illogical, really, prefering things to be unstable and uncertain...but being illogical isn't particularly helping because nothing is helping and that's...just bleak.
Just bleak that I'm so messed up over this because it really shouldn't matter quite as much as it does.
Hm...shit.
My mind decides to tell me this intelligently, and I nod briefly to myself as if this really does confirm something that I didn't know before, then cover the gesture by reaching for my nearly empty bottle of firewhisky and draining the last of it.
Now I wonder how long I can sit and drag out pondering whether or not I should order another one.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Feb 23, 2009 22:32:05 GMT
I was looking for Logan.
Stupid and idiotic? Yes. Did I care? No. Not really.
I was sort of curious what all had went on between them and I didn't really want to ask Arden. She seemed all too torn up about this.
One thing I wasn't plannning on doing though, was rubbing it in his face.. or anything of the sort. Because, one, she wasn't with me and I highly doubted that she wanted to be, and two, well, it was just extremely idiotic to do that to Logan. Someone who already hates my guts.
Yes, now let's give that person another reason to hurt me. Thanks, but no thanks.
I wasn't really positive where to look for him, but after just walking around a bit, I thought, why not, I'm gonna go and check Knockturn Alley.
I wasn't very smart today, was I? If I was, I would just stay out of this whole thing.
This trip was making me remember why I didn't like it here. So I was slightly thankful when I saw the bar that I had come to before a while back when I ran into Logan. Who knows, maybe he would be here.
I walked inside the bar, the warmer air feeling much better than however cold it was outside and I looked around.
Of course, there he was, sitting at the bar. And now that I saw him, I think I would rather just turn around and leave. I shouldn't be in here in the first place. I was just asking for it. Whatever it was. I wasn't really sure.
But now a few people had already saw me come inside, so instead of leaving, like I should have, I walked up the bar, a few people away from Logan and ordered a firewhiskey. I didn't much feel like one, but honestly, I felt ridiculous coming in here and ordering water.
[ gah, sorry xD ]
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 24, 2009 14:39:26 GMT
I glance belatedly behind me at the entrance when I hear the door open and feel the brief rush of cold air.
It's more instinctual curiousity than because I actually care who's decided to come in, or maybe it's something else...something malevolent and unpleasant that wants me to know just who's here.
I guess I thought I wouldn't run into anyone here.
I turn back to the bar after a moment, trying so hard not to focus that I am only dimly aware of him as he sits down a few people away from where I am.
I don't even want to think about him being here and I'm hoping very much that he stays where he's sat because I can't even summon the motivation to be pissed off so it'd be nice if he could just...stay away so I don't have to.
I also feel kind of like I should leave, like we're not allowed to be in the same place because of everything, I guess.
But also I don't want to leave. I don't want his presence to have to force me out of here.
Not to mention I don't know where I'm going to go next and I don't particularly want to spend any more time wandering up and down Knockturn Alley today.
So I guess he's made up my mind for me at least, putting a hasty stop to my half-thought out plan of sitting here and contemplating whether or not I should order another firewhisky for as long as possible, because now I'm going to stay just to prove that he can't make me leave by being here too. Slightly immature thought process but I don't really care all that much so I order another firewhisky and then glance determinedly at the wall as if this is very fascinating indeed.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Feb 28, 2009 3:27:32 GMT
I tossed a couple coins on the bar to pay for the firewhiskey and I stayed where I was for a few moments, wondering or not if I should go over there. Or if he's even seen me for that matter, but I was sure that he had. I just hadn't made eye contact, so couldn't really be positive.
After thinking all of this, I felt absolutely ridiculous. If someone was listening to my thoughts, they would have thought I was some thirteen year old girl trying to decide whether or not she's going to go talk to the boy she fancied. And after thinking that, I took a slightly large drink of my firewhiskey and stood up from where I was sitting, moving myself the seat next to him.
I hadn't worked out what I was going to say to him.. so now that I was over there, I thought that maybe I should have planned this out a bit better... or at the least thought about what I wanted to say to him.
"Logan." I said with a faint nod, setting the bottle down on the bar and sitting down. That was a good enough start as anything. I was trying to be civil with him, so hopefully it would come out that way. Anyway, I hadn't even asked anything about Arden yet. Even if I was planning on doing that eventually.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 28, 2009 3:32:08 GMT
"Riley." I reply reluctantly, voice coming out a little strange because it's as reluctant as humanly possible without just remaining silent.
I also haven't had much call to use it in the past couple of days, not that I'm prone to talking much anyway.
I don't do him the courtesy of looking at him either, just in case the greeting isn't enough of a signal that I would like him to go away, instead focusing steadily on picking the label off the empty bottle of firewhisky in front of me before I start on the new one.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Feb 28, 2009 3:44:36 GMT
I sat down, deciding not to take the hint to go away and took another drink from my bottle. "Look, I don't want to bother you." I started, even though I knew that I was bothering him just by sitting here, combined with the fact that I was talking to him, when I was positive he would rather I leave. "I just want to know what happened with Arden." I said eventually looking over to him, not caring if he looked toward me or not.
I watched him pick at the label on his bottle for a short moment before looking away from him and back infront of me instead.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 28, 2009 3:50:33 GMT
"Too late." I murmur under my breath in response to that first comment.
He was bothering me the second I saw him come in, and the close proximity is just making it worse because he's more annoying that closer he is and the more I'm forced to interact with him.
I flinch slightly at the last part of what he says, particularly the last word, because I've been very carefully avoiding all mention of her name were possible and he went and ruined it just then so he's just slipped about a thousand miles lower in my estimation.
"How about you fuck off?" I reply irritably, resuming the picking off of the label on the bottle after a second's hesitation.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Feb 28, 2009 3:59:45 GMT
"Figured." I muttered back, under my own breath
I wasn't exactly surprised by his reply though, I had to admit that. I definitely wasn't expecting an actual reply, that's for sure.
"I just want to know what happened." I said in response looking toward him again. "I'm not here to.. rub it in or anything." And I really wasn't.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 28, 2009 4:04:45 GMT
"Well...go and ask her. Run along and fuck her. I don't give a shit what you do anymore."
I half push the empty bottle with the half picked off label away from me now, before I get too obsessed with getting off all the paper or end up picking at it so hard that I end up making my nails bleed or something stupid like that. Then because my hands feel empty now, pulling the full bottle towards me instead and just looking at it hard because it beats looking at him.
"Good. Because if you were here to rub it in, then I'd kill you."
The words sound so flat that it's probably very clear there's no meaning behind them and that I'm bluffing. I probably couldn't kill him, even if I wanted to, and I haven't killed anyone since Natasha Goldman, even on those few times where I've wanted to. I haven't even really wanted to kill someone in a while actually, and I've only just noticed that. How strange.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Feb 28, 2009 4:18:17 GMT
"Don't start that. I've already spoken to her and she was mess about it." I said, sure I might be sounding a bit annoyed by what he's just said. "I never cared if you did or not.. and I'm sure you already know that she doesn't.." I paused for a moment, shaking my head. "She doesn't want me. She wants you."
I shrugged, taking another small drink.
I sighed and just shook my head again. "I'm not cruel, I just want to know what happened to end it." Really, it was probably none of my business, but I asked it anyway.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 28, 2009 4:28:43 GMT
I wave a hand dismissively in his vague direction, brushing off the first bit of what he says because I don't want to hear it.
The internal monologue starts up at about the time she claims she doesn't want him, because I know she does, because I know that's why I spent so much time being neurotic about it...because she does want him and she should be with him and it was only a matter of time before she ended up with him anyway and it still is. Because he can touch her like it's nothing, hug her like it's nothing at all and it's easy and I can't. Because he doesn't go off and kill her neighbours if he's left unsupervised. Because if they tried to be normal, they could probably do it without having to worry about how finite the whole stupid, struggle of an affair is in the first place.
I glance at him once, briefly, just to check that I didn't ramble any of that out loud and then nod briefly when I'm satisfied that I apparently didn't.
"It was meant to die." I say after a long moment, nodding now at the bar instead of him. "That is why. And now you can fuck off already."
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Post by Riley Pearson on Feb 28, 2009 4:41:20 GMT
I shook my head, feeling more irritated than I probably should by his answer. "No." I said after a moment, when he says I can fuck off. I probably would have if he didn't say that, but really, I just don't understand this. "How can you say it was meant to die. Fuck you. She loves you and I'm sure that you return the feelings." I said shaking my head. "'Meant to die', my arse." I added a moment later.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 28, 2009 4:45:43 GMT
"You know what? Fuck you." I stand up now, almost sluggishly but with a little more poise than that, and give his shoulder a hard confrontational shove because I don't want to have this argument with him but if we're going to argue then we're at least going to do it properly. "You don't know a fucking thing about it, so keep your fucking mouth shut and get the fuck out of here."
Probably too many uses of the word 'fuck' but it emphasises my point quite nicely.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Feb 28, 2009 5:16:34 GMT
When he stood up, I thought I had worse coming than just a hard shove. But I still was pushed back quite a bit and instead of just sitting there as he stood, I stood up infront of him, knowing I shouldn't let his escalate and I should leave. But now I really didn't want to leave because he was telling me to with quite a bit of force. I wasn't sure if that made sense, but it might've..
Anyway, either way, I was being quite stupid to even be talking to him.
"I think I know enough to know that you fucked up." I said back to him, shaking my head for a second.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 28, 2009 5:25:06 GMT
It briefly flits across my mind that maybe I should just leave, head off now before this can escalate because a pub brawl is really just...ridiculous and it draws far too much attention.
Then, of course, he opens his mouth and pisses me off all over again.
I don't like being told that I fucked up, no one does. It's especially unpleasant when...I don't even know if I did or not. I obviously did, several times in the very short life span of the very strange relationship...but it's over because it was a mutual decision, a logical, mutual decision.
And I've always hated him, and I hate him telling me I fucked up, and I hate him not leaving when he should have, and I hate how he doesn't fight back either...making the only logical course of action to just hit him.
So I do, with not quite as much force behind the punch as I would have liked because for a moment I'm too choked with anger to do anything right...but still getting in a fairly good swing before I do make contact.
Still not entirely satisfied, but I really don't see how he can just not fight back now...even if he is a total coward.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Feb 28, 2009 5:34:28 GMT
Maybe I was just asking to be hit. Because I'm really not surprised when he does. I know that I shouldn't fight back, but I hadn't felt like this in quite a while. Probably not since I was at Hogwarts actually. And after being thrown back slightly by the punch, which may I add was probably one the hardest times I'd been hit, I pretty much just decided, 'fuck it' and moved forward quickly, launching my fist back at him.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 28, 2009 12:09:40 GMT
I decide afterwards...that maybe it was a bad idea, because I think at this point it really wouldn't have surprised me if he had just sat there and not done anything.
So, as it is, I am a little surprised that he's hit back and also a little bit surprised that it actually sort of hurt which results in a brief pause while I have to grip the bar briefly to prevent myself stumbling.
And now what the hell?
I clearly really did not think this through as well as I should have done, and I'm quite conscious of the fact that we're in public and also my wand is sort of missing lately.
"Fuck." I mutter intelligently. "Will you just fuck off and bother someone else?"
Anti-climatic maybe, but I suddenly feel drained and rational again and can't be bothered with this and I'd quite like to go back to killing brain cells like I was doing before he came over and started the inquisition.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Mar 1, 2009 1:19:12 GMT
I was relieved and slightly surprised when he didn't hit me again. I was thinking that I was pretty much done for. But then again, this was a public place.. in knockturn alley, but still, public and as far as I knew, he was still supposed to be in Azkaban. Anyway, I sort of wanted to live, so I was glad he'd backed down first. Cos I'm sure it was clear he would have won.
"Sorry for bothering you." I said shaking my head faintly after a few moments. "I just didn't want to ask her about anything." I added before just sitting back down anyway.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 1, 2009 1:41:56 GMT
I pause a moment, before sitting hesitantly back down myself and reflecting dimly in the back of my head how that was probably the strangest fight I've ever been involved in.
Although maybe it was just necessary to clear it out of my system, because now I'm apparently feeling civil and mature enough to nod once, briefly in response to his apology before looking the other way again.
It also means I can ask after a short pause, in a perfectly level and indifferent fashion as if I don't care about the answer at all, "So how is she?"
Perhaps a little narcissistic or arrogant to think that she'd be as profoundly affected by this as I am...but there's really no harm in asking out of genuine concern.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Mar 1, 2009 1:44:19 GMT
This all was sort strange... Usually any fight I'd got myself into ended with me in serious pain. This was much better.
I shrugged a little bit. "She's.. sad, depressed.." I said glancing over to him. "Not exactly what you'd call happy."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 1, 2009 1:53:37 GMT
"But...stable?" I press with a small frown.
Because I've already driven her to putting a plastic bag over her head once in the past however long. I really don't want to leave any permanent scars.
And the best way to do that - at least on my end - would probably to be to actually get round to going somewhere else and never worrying about it again, but...apparently I'm not getting round to that any time soon.
And it strikes me that this is how pathetic I am and how low I've sunk to...because I'm fucking questioning him and really not helping myself in the long run because it'd be better if I just didn't know or care or wonder...and just got over it.
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Post by Riley Pearson on Mar 2, 2009 6:14:45 GMT
I tried ignore the small throb where he hit me and nodded a little at his question. "Yeah, I think that she's stable." I said quietly with a small sigh. "Doesn't mean I'm not still worried about her though."
At least I knew he cared about her well-being by that question though.. which somehow helps this situation a little bit.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Mar 2, 2009 9:39:01 GMT
"Right."
I'm just going to adopt selective hearing tendencies, I think, and acknowledge that I heard the first part and pretend that I didn't hear the second.
It's not as if I want to give a shit, after all...it's completely involuntary and always has been when it comes to her. But I'm really trying to stop it now, whereas before it's just been a little nagging sort of tug in the back of my head. It's sort of vitally important to not care at the moment.
So I'm sort of tempted to add that he can fuck off now before I blurt anymore questions out, but he hasn't listened the last several times that I've told him to.
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