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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 12, 2009 21:24:28 GMT
Predictable is springing to mind.
It's the only word to describe it really. It all just circles round in one small circle, often involving getting pissed off at Riley, snapping with Arden, and then everything just ends up right back where it started.
However the hell it started or whatever the hell could be defined as 'normal'.
It's not really normal per se, because there's not really many common landmarks between this normal and the last normal...but I know that it is normal, because...well, I don't really have a reason.
How do you define normal anyway?
Normal as in the nearly daily restless wanderings, punctuated by occasionally following a muggle just for the thrill and gratification that comes from pulling back at the last minute before I cause some damage, then awkward and stunted conversation with Arden, before I do the whole thing again the next day?
I suppose it's a routine at least. A predictable little routine...not exactly safe and probably not doing much for my state of mind, also being highly frustrating and I'm starting to get a little sick of it...but it's a routine none-the-less and that is slightly comforting in itself.
But not by much.
Or maybe that's just the dejected sort of mood I'm in today, a lack of sleep coupled with a brief burst of bleakness that this is how I'm going to spend my last days, weeks, months of freedom before I get caught.
I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing or anyone I'd rather be bothering, but it still seems very lacking somehow.
But again, maybe that's just the mood I'm in today.
Which is the sort of mood where it stands to reason that I should become unreasonably downhearted and annoyed that the door is locked when I try and open it.
It's...I don't know...late afternoon, possibly early evening by now, so I spend a moment contemplating whether or not Arden is even home before deciding I don't care because I'm going to knock anyway. It beats either breaking in or waiting around outside like an idiot.
I knock once or twice, quickly losing interest in that as well and staring off across the street instead.
Hm.
I'm even getting sick of myself and this painfully apathetic mood I'm in today. How you can even be in a 'painfully apathetic' mood I don't even know, but through the long stretches of apathy there are bursts of frustration at myself.
Not that that's anything new of course.
My stupid routine isn't the only thing that's predictable.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 12, 2009 22:05:34 GMT
I expected the walk to wake me up and clear my head, but so far it’s not doing either. If anything, I think I’m more tired, and getting kind of cross with myself on top of that. As if I really need to be more cross with anyone right now, the way things have been at home. I don’t know if we’re still irritated with each other, officially, but we also haven’t said much of anything lately. Not that that’s new, but… still, somehow this is different.
But maybe that’s just because, deep down, I’ve been thinking semi-seriously lately about pulling another disappearing act – running away from everything like an idiot kid, because I just don’t want to deal with it now. My conversation with Maddie is replaying in my head again, but not because of what she said about Logan.
“Wait, you mean there's still drama? You don't think we're getting a little too old to keep up with such teenager stuff?”
She’s probably right about that, but ever since Logan came to stay, I feel like I’ve been reliving my teen years – not exactly something I’ve ever particularly wanted to do. I can’t seem to remember if I was always this flighty and fickle. When I was with Travis, for example, I don’t believe I was. But I can’t have those years back, and I’m not too fond of these ones.
And that was all a waste of a perfectly good walk, I think irritably, rounding the corner that will take me back home. I’m keeping my eyes primarily on the ground just in front of me, of course, so it’s not until I’m halfway up the stairs that I realize who else is on the porch.
“Oh… hi. You’re home.” And why are you just standing out here in the open?
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 12, 2009 22:15:07 GMT
"Hm?" I glance round in something that would almost be surprise if I could actually dredge up any emotion at all, because I sort of did think she was in but she's clearly not.
I was staring so fixedly across the street at absolutely nothing at all that I didn't notice her right until she spoke.
"Ah...yes, clearly."
I don't know if we're still being irritable right now, or more accurately if she's still annoyed at me because I can't really say that I care enough to be pissed off anymore.
I don't suppose we've really spoken much to each other since that particularly snappish conversation after catching her on the porch with Riley.
Hm...there's a brief flare of idignation at thinking about that, but it burns itself out fairly quickly and I go straight back to not caring.
Brilliant.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 12, 2009 22:23:23 GMT
And, again, just standing out here for no apparent reason.
I nod, perhaps exaggeratedly, and move past him to open the door… which is when I discover it’s locked. “Oh, hell.”
I shake my head, deciding to act like this is all according to some plan or something, and I really don’t care or mind that the door is locked. I never intended to go inside anyway, really, but just go and sit down on the railing, exactly where I sat when I was backing away from him, thinking that he was a ghost.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 12, 2009 22:29:41 GMT
"Oh." I say under my breath, just a bit belatedly when she walks across the porch and sits down.
So apparently now we're locked out, and it's probably a sign that I am acting a bit slow that my first reaction to this is to head back towards the door and rattle the handle briefly as if this will help and hit the door sharply when it doesn't help at all.
Could just apparate inside, but just in case there are nosy muggles peering out of their windows or something...I don't think I will.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 12, 2009 22:32:06 GMT
"Did you think that was going to work?" I ask curiously, raising my eyesbrows after he's rattled the knob. I think I might be feeling slightly apathetic right now... or maybe it's just tiredness. But I don't think I honestly do care that we're both locked out. Doesn't matter at all.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 12, 2009 22:39:50 GMT
"No," I answer with a small indifferent shrug, "It just seemed like a..." I pause and shrug again.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I don't like using that phrase. I'm probably doomed to forever associate saying that with kissing her that time...because really that did seem like a good idea at the time and it's brought both of us nothing but trouble.
I pause again, then move to lean back against the wall of the house instead when I decide that I really don't care about being locked out.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 14, 2009 1:41:44 GMT
I frown at him faintly, wondering why he would cut himself off like that. It's an innocent enough thing to say - seemed like a good idea at the time. Or that's what I'm assuming he was going to finish it with, perhaps because I can almost hear him say it some time previously. Deja vu.
Oh... right. I nod to no one in particular, remembering. He said that when I asked him why he kissed me.
"Well, maybe you should stop thinking your ideas are good ones," I say after a moment, shrugging.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 14, 2009 10:05:27 GMT
I shrug briefly as if I'm thinking about it, then nod slightly. "Mm. Maybe I should."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 15, 2009 1:34:06 GMT
I sigh faintly, shaking my head - perhaps with mild frustration at myself for what I'm about to say. "No, never mind. They're not necessarily bad."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 17, 2009 11:23:50 GMT
I raise an eyebrow briefly at that, then just shrug it off along with everything else that I'm successfully shrugging off at the moment, "Whatever you say."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 19, 2009 1:50:40 GMT
"Sorry, being fickle again," I say, shaking my head. And wanting, very badly, to apologize, but not really sure how to go about it. I've messed up a lot in this very strange relationship of ours, and I always seem to wind up blaming him. Or insulting him.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 20, 2009 19:38:59 GMT
"Just like the rest of the time then," I mutter.
Which, of course, doesn't actually bother me right now because I just don't care enough to be bothered.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 1:29:39 GMT
I nod, slightly irritatedly, then bite my lip.
"This isn't working very well, is it? This whole... pretending we're normal thing."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 21, 2009 1:30:31 GMT
"No," I pause a moment, sigh briefly, then shake my head, "No, it's not."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 1:32:52 GMT
I nod and bite my lip again, then shrug. "Sorry."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 21, 2009 1:35:42 GMT
I grit my teeth for a second because that unnecessary apology somehow broke it's way through the apathy barrier and hit a nerve, but then manage to say, "It's not your fault."
Which by process of elimination would mean it's mine, but who the hell cares who's fault it is anyway?
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 1:37:40 GMT
"Part of it is," I shrug again. "Maybe including the fact that I think this is the first time I've acknowledged that instead of blaming you."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 21, 2009 1:41:11 GMT
I shrug.
Part of it probably is her fault because she's messed up too, but I'm the fugitive with sadistic tendencies and frequent moments of insanity and that makes it bloody hard to pretend to be normal.
"Fine, we both suck. How's that?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 1:42:29 GMT
"Better, thank you," I say immediately, then actually think about it and almost smile wryly. It isn't really funny though.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 21, 2009 1:46:30 GMT
"Hm," I murmur, half-rolling my eyes as I decide what she's said doesn't really require a response.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 1:48:05 GMT
I shake my head at the ground then, after a moment. "Not particular helpful though."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 21, 2009 1:50:49 GMT
"Not really," I agree with a small nod.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 1:55:13 GMT
And now I kind of wish that I hadn't started talking because that got us nowhere and I still haven't properly apologized. I should probably just break into the house already and have done with it. Except of course that then we'll still be the same.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 21, 2009 1:59:39 GMT
"Do you think maybe we should just give up on trying to pretend we're normal?" I ask with a brief shrug.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 2:02:00 GMT
"... Maybe," I say after a moment when I've got my breath back, because somehow having it phrased that way knocked some of my wind out. But, just because something hurts doesn't mean you shouldn't go through with it.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 21, 2009 2:04:54 GMT
I glance over at her during the pause before she answers, happening to actually notice her reaction to that and thinking maybe I should just have stayed quiet.
Just because I don't give a damn right now, doesn't mean that I won't give a damn in ten minutes.
So I shrug slightly again and add, "Just a suggestion."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 2:06:50 GMT
"But possibly a good suggestion," I shrug, biting my lip hard in between words and keeping my face turned away while I will my overactive tear ducts to just listen to me for once because I'm trying to be logical right now.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Feb 21, 2009 2:12:51 GMT
"Possibly," I say fairly.
I don't know what I'd do or where I'd go if we decided to just drop the whole stupid thing anyway. And it's easier to think in selfish terms like that, rather than actually think about how it would feel not even bothering to try anymore.
Where the hell did apathy go anyway? It receded so fast I didn't even notice and now I'm stuck to deal with the aftermath of making the stupid suggestion in the first place.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Feb 21, 2009 2:17:06 GMT
And now I think I may have just done one of those things I just apologized for... completely unintentionally, but still.
"I do still love you, so don't... take that the wrong way," I say quickly, then shrug. "It's just... maybe you're right. Maybe we don't work."
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