Courage;;{{Jonathan

[Lilian Parker]

I've finally decided that I've spent too much time waiting to go and see him. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him. Believe me, it's all I've wanted to do for the past however many months I'd been gone. I had even thought about breaking Riyann's rules and telling him I was alive in the first place.. nearly did it once too. Now I was thinking that I should have. I never should have let Riyann do shut me away like that, even if it was for my own good.
But for some reason, every time I got to the apartment, I just couldn't knock. No matter how much I wanted to, I had to admit that I was actually scared to.
Sometimes this happened a couple times a week.. or maybe just a few times a month.. all I knew was that I couldn't wait any longer. If he'd already moved on then I would just have to live with that. I would get over it.. at some point.

So now after standing in front of this door for who knows how long, I finally built up some courage and lifting up my hand, knocked very lightly on the door. Maybe he wouldn't even be here... Maybe he'd be doing something and he wouldn't hear me knock.. who knows, maybe his new girlfriend will answer the door. If that last one's the case, I think I'll just leave.

I was starting to feel sick now that I was standing here, but despite wanting to leave again, I left my feet planted on the ground, trying to calm down a bit. I couldn't even descibe how many things I was feeling right now. I mean, how many times does someone come back from the dead? I had a right to be nervous.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

Today I will not think about Lilian. Today I will not think about Lilian. Today I will not think about Lilian...
The train of thought dissolves into incoherency as it usually does. I spend a lot of time thinking this, over and over and over again until the words lose all meaning and I don't even know what I'm repeating to myself at all.

It's morning, I think. Late morning. The curtains are closed, the door is closed, the light is off and I'm lying back on the bed and not thinking about Lilian.
I'm going to get up in a minute, but I've been saying that for the past two hours. I've already done the whole getting up thing, before I got bored of wandering around the apartment and just went to lie on the bed in the dark.
Which is very productive, which is not helping not think of Lilian.

Days off are dull. They stretch on and on and I get bored and I wish that I had something to do.
I've become sort of a recluse since...just since. So instead of being social or anything, on my days off I sit around and wish that I could go to work so I would have something to do so I would not have to think.

Door.
I actually have to think about what the noise is. The door. That hasn't happened in a while.
Then I actually have to think about what to do. I could go and answer it, sure, but I don't know if I want to.
Which is hypocritical because I was just wishing that I had something to do, wasn't I?
Door then, fine then, fine. I'll do it. Only to prove I'm not a hypocrite. I hope you're bloody happy.

That was a little bit weird...mentally snapping at myself.
I shrug it off though, flicking the light on as I head towards the door and then pausing to turn it off again because I've just remembered that's it day time right now and I don't like lights on during the day.
I'm still thinking about this and a variety of other idle little things like the stack of old newspapers on the lounge table that I've been meaning to recycle and how I could do that today after I've seen to this...I mean, them. Whoever's at the door.

Intelligently enough, the only thing that I manage to think after I win the fumble against the lock, which always sticks, is oh, before my brain shorts out completely. I think I literally hear it fizz up in a crescendo of noise which is almost painful before it suddenly flatlines and goes dead silent and I just stare dumbstruck instead.
Yes, very intelligent.

[Lilian Parker]

I heard footsteps and I think I may have stopped breathing at least for a few seconds. And now I really wanted more than anything to just see him on the other side of this door.. preferably standing behind a two way mirror so he couldn't see me though. I didn't want to see his reaction.. who knows, maybe I was just better off dead. For all I knew, he'd think he'd gone insane or something. Maybe he was happy and I was just going to mess things up.
Now I'm having second thoughts and I wish that, now of all times, that I could turn around and leave. But I knew it was definitely too late for that.

I bit my lip as I heard the door start to unlock. I didn't think any of this could move any slower. I felt like it'd already been an eternity and actually it'd only been a few seconds at the most.
It was sort of like I was in one of those movies when they stop time right before something really terrible happens. Like the main character gets hit by a car.. or shot.

Next thing I knew, the door was open and Jon was standing there, staring at me like he couldn't believe what he was seeing, or maybe like what he, or anyone for that matter, would look like if their brain stopped working.

I didn't know what to say to him. Why hadn't I planned anything? Why hadn't I actually thought about what to do after knocking on the door. I haven't gotten this far yet. He was standing right in front of me and I was just standing there like a complete idiot. It was okay for him be struck, but I don't think it was okay for me. Even if it was really great to see him standing in front of me again.

So of course, instead of saying something like a normal person would do, I freeze and just stare back him, staying where I was, trying to make my brain form some kind of sentence.. Any type of sentence.

".. Hi." I ended up saying very quietly, almost in a whisper, but not just quite that quiet yet.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

"Hello," I reply quietly.
This would probably be a normal thing to say when someone turns up on your doorstep like this, unless the person is your dead fiancé.
I guess it's just one of those automatic things, a reflex...say 'hello' when someone greets you, answer the door when someone knocks, keep calm even when you're talking to a dead person...because just because they're dead doesn't mean you have to be rude.

I'm fairly sure she is dead...she's been gone for months and months now. I remember very distinctly being told that she was dead, murdered, and then I shut myself in the dark for three days before emerging as if nothing had happened and going about my day to day life, stoic and composed.
I'm not someone who falls apart with any degree of ease. There's no point falling apart for the sake of something you're never going to have again. It wouldn't have brought her back. I suppose it's this cold, clinical approach to the grief that I decided to take so early on that probably spared my sanity.

But what am I saying?
Sanity?
I eye her somewhat cautiously for a moment or two, tilting my head a little as if seeing her from a different angle will suddenly prove that she's two dimensional or something...or that she's not really solid, not really there.
Because logically, she's not.
Maybe I didn't spare my sanity after all. More like delayed the inevitable breakdown, giving my subconscious time to piece together this perfect replica of Lilian when I decided it was time to start hallucination. It is a very perfect replica of Lilian...exactly her, to the t, the expression and the features and...it's her. But, you know, alive.
"Lilian, I don't mean to be rude," I say measuredly after a very long moment, "But...ah...are you real?"

[Lilian Parker]

I wasn't positive but I was pretty sure that he thought he'd lost it. He did say hello back though, so that was rather nice of him not to ignore what he thinks might be a hallucination. Actually, it had just occured to me that I don't think I had any other way to prove that I was real except touching him. I should have brought someone with me to prove that he hadn't gone insane because I knew that if I was him, I'd have thought I was bonkers as soon as I opened the door. Even if I could actually touch whoever it was. Come to think of it, touching them would probably just make it worse for me.

After a long while of just staring at me, which I really couldn't blame him for doing, he finially said something. I nodded at his question. "Yeah," I said eventually as I looked up at him. "Promise you're not insane." I added a moment or two late.
"I never really.. died." I said after that, shaking my head faintly toward him. "I can explain.." I had thought about just going into my explantion, but it all seemed too quick.. So now I just decided to let him say something. Even though now that I was thinking about, maybe I should have just went right into it, because I didn't really want the door shut in my face. Even if I did have a key to get in still.

[[ Gah, can't think :-P ]]

[Jonathon Carlisle]

"That's a relief," I reply once she's reassured me that I'm not insane.
I probably shouldn't take her word for that, being as she doesn't exist, but it's another involuntary reaction. Automatic trust, complete faith that she wouldn't lie to me.
Except...that should be gone, gone and buried with everything else...and her.

"You never really died? You never-...never-...?" I trail off shakily.
I think I sounded a bit more normal just then...like how any normal person would react in this situation, surprised with a vague hint of hysteria.
Because if she never really died then it is possible that she is here. Screw her explanations, she might genuinely be here. That's enough, for at least a few seconds. At least enough time to nod briefly as if to tell her that I might be accepting this before I can find my voice again.
"You-...what? There's a-...there's an explanation?"
An explanation as to why you let me think you were dead when you never really died?

(me neither...clearly... )

[Lilian Parker]

[eh, lol.. yours was good though]

Now it seems that he's starting to act like everyone else was acting. And now I was fully awaiting for him to tell me to leave because he never wants to see me again. All because of something really stupid that I got talked into doing.

I didn't say anything for a few moments and just listened to what he was saying, starting to feel quite bad for all of this. I knew I should have told him.. I should just came here and told him right off the bat so I didn't have to worry him.
I didn't even know if I could forgive someone for doing that me.

I shook and nodded my head at the couple things he'd repeated back to me and started to feel slightly sicker every moment I was standing there.
"Riyann made me promise not to tell anyone.. she told me that some death eaters wanted me dead and then she practically forced me into hiding." I said fairly quickly, shaking my head a little bit. "I really wanted to tell you.. You've got to believe me."

[Jonathon Carlisle]

(so was yours. you're not giving yourself enough credit again. )

This is really weird... I decide intelligently.
Past the situation though, past the whole surrealism of an undead fiancé...it's weird.
It has been months, a very long time. Feelings die in stretches of time like those and some of them I think have stayed dead even though she didn't.
It's not just that though, not just that. It can't just be as simple as that.

Why didn't she tell me? Could she not have told me she was going into hiding? Why did she have to let me go through all of that?
Could I not have protected her, surely?
But I suppose not. I'm just a muggle, to all intents and purposes.

She may well have wanted to tell me, but she didn't. So there's annoyance tainting the relief, turning it black and cold and bitter and not quite right...
Not how I should feel at all.

"Why would anyone want you dead, Lil?" I ask incredulously, shaking my head.
But I'm asking the wrong questions, asking too many questions. I am glad to see her, but that doesn't even begin to cover it. It doesn't even scratch the surface because she's alive and I love her and that's wonderful, but-...she let me think that she was dead. Let me mourn and fester and grow bitter in the dark.
So I suppose that's why we're still standing at the door like this.

[Lilian Parker]

[[ gah, i gotta stop doing that Thanks you ]]

He wasn't saying anything, and I think I maybe have been holding my breath a little bit as I stood there. Now I was just trying desperately to stay calm because if I didn't I would more than likely end up having a panic attack right now and well, I didn't really have any desire to do that at this exact moment.

I shook my head at his question. "I dunno.. She didn't tell me.. my guess is that it's my family.. And being a muggle doesn't really help, does it?" I asked folding my arms infront of my chest tightly, feeling a bit more insecure than I would have liked.

What if he didn't love me anymore? I should have just stayed dead and never went to see him. Better yet, I should have told him. I feel like such an idiot and not to mention, an idiot who is probably on the verge of tears because of what I've just done to myself.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

( )

I nod briefly, because I suppose I have to accept that answer.
I don't think I really wanted an answer...at least not to that question. The only answer I really want is the one that will completely explain and cancel out the 'how could you do this?' which won't go away.

I force myself to look up at her instead of the floor, swallowing hard as I watch her look panicky and teary and then decide I can't bear it. It's very hard to have to see that, especially because I think it might be fault because I'm not reacting right. Someone should make guidelines for what to do in this situation, someone should outline the social norm for this, someone should take over so I don't have to deal with it at the very least.

It still doesn't quite feel like she's real...almost as if this is too good to be true, even if not all of it is good.
So I suppose it's probably for both of our sakes when I step forward and pull her towards me, wrapping my arms loosely around her back. That is probably a sensible normal human response...one of the first, so far.
"Are you okay, Lil? Are you alright?"
That should also have been the first thing out of my mouth, the first priority. It is, of course...it just took me a little while to get round to asking.

[Lilian Parker]

[ ]

Maybe all this wouldn't of had to happen if I'd thought about what Riley told me a while back. About how Riyann did this to him a couple times. Faked her death, I mean. It's just.. cruel. It's really terrible and I couldn't believe that I actually did that. I did not want their relationship. I've heard enough of their problems for the rest of my life and now I was starting to repeat them.

After a few moments he pulled me into a hug and I relaxed slightly, shaking my head a little bit for an answer as a couple tears slid down my face. I really didn't want to cry. That's been my goal everytime I've spoken to someone lately. Don't cry. It hadn't worked the other times, so I don't see why it would work now of all times.
I did hug him back though, leaning my head against his chest as I started to speak. "No.. You don't want me anymore.. How could you forgive me for this?" I asked, my voice sounding a bit muffled. "You shouldn't have to.. I should've just stayed dead."
That all sounded much better in my head because now saying it all outloud it all sounded a bit more dramatic than I would have liked. But I can't really take it back now anyway, so I guess it would have to do.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

I feel infinitely better now. You can't hug a dead person, dead people don't cry.
Not to mention I never thought I'd get to do this again. It's like I can fill the hollow space that she left behind if I hold her close enough for long enough. It's like if this works out alright then the whole past few months will have never have happened.
"Of course I want you, Lilian," I murmur obstinately, using the full christian name to prove my sincerity, "And I can forgive you because I love you. I do."
If I didn't want her, didn't forgive her, didn't love her...I wouldn't care. I wouldn't have spent however long lying in the dark.
How ridiculous would it be of me to be so upset with her for faking her own death that I sent her away again?
"So glad you're here...so glad you're alive..." The rest of the sentence sort of disolves into incoherent mumblings as I stroke her hair down her back, keeping her very close.
I hope no one walks past in the corridor outside the apartment. This feels a bit private for an audience.

[Lilian Parker]

I can't even express how good it feels how good it feels to hear him say those things. And I feel the panicky feeling I had go away a bit at what he's said. I definitely feel like I don't deserve hearing them though. That was just too easy, he forgave me so quickly.. I was gone for months.. dead.. and he's taken me back like nothing's happened.
I hugged him a bit tighter now, moving my arms around his neck as I did. I don't think I've felt this comfortable.. whole.. since I went and left in the first place.
I nodded slightly at what he was saying, closing my eyes for a few moments as he started to stroke my hair down my back.
"I love you." I said quietly, as a couple more tears rolled down my face. "I love you so much. I'm sorry."

[Jonathon Carlisle]

I laugh softly after a moment, shakily without much real humour behind it, and draw back just a little bit so I can see her properly.
I thumb her tears away gently, offering her a brief tremulous smile.
"Are you sure you're alright?"
It doesn't feel quite right. I'm still adjusting to the fact that she's alive, and it feels like she shouldn't be as alright as she seems to be...like she should be hurt somehow, like this will all go away and be fixed as long as I can look after her.

[Lilian Parker]

I smiled and let out a small shaky laugh too, smiling faintly back to him as he wiped away some tears that had fallen down my face with his thumb. Now I was wishing that I'd come here sooner.. or more of had the courage to actually knock on the door.
I nodded at his question, "Yes, I'm fine." I said keeping my eyes up at him. Really, there was nothing wrong with me. At least not at this moment.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

I pause, before finally accepting this answer with a brief nod.
This is really very strange and I don't know how I feel about it quite yet, besides immensely relieved and a little bit annoyed.
It's strange to think that all that hate has gone to waste. I've spent enough time hating that woman that killed her, being glad that she got shoved in Azkaban and enraged when I found out that she'd escaped. What could I do though? I'm a muggle, supposedly, so I don't even really know about Azkaban, supposedly.
So now all of that's gone...I can stop hating her, and I feel a bit empty without that because I'm still adjusting to the idea that Lilian is really here, really alive, and really not going to leave, so that space is still mostly hollow, until the truth sinks in.
"Here, come in, sorry," I pull away, instead taking her hand and lightly tugging her through the door.
It's only just properly occured to me that I've been keeping her mostly in the hall for all this time.

[Lilian Parker]

"Thank you.." I let him pull away and shook my head a little bit at what he said. "It's alright.." I said quietly, as he took my hand and followed him through the door as he tugged me lightly through it.
It was weird being back here again.. good, but weird. I didn't know why, but something felt a bit off. I wasn't sure what it was, but it just did. Maybe it was just being away from him for so long.
".. I'm really sorry Jon.." I said quietly once I was inside. "I tried to tell you before... I just.. couldn't." I added, shaking my head faintly, wiping a couple more tears away. I had pretty much stopped crying, but there were still a couple there.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

I shut the door behind her, but remain somewhat awkwardly in the hall.
I don't know why this feels awkward...actually, I suppose that's a bit strong. It's more...just a little bit uneasy. Probably because we've been apart for so long.
I just really hope that it gets easier, that it goes back to how it was before. Maybe this changed everything and just willing it all to be gone won't help. I don't know.
"It's okay," I answer quietly with a small shrug.
It's not really okay. It's an awful thing to lose someone you love, especially if it's the someone you love. It's somehow worse knowing that they put you through it when they could have spared you.

[Lilian Parker]

I stayed quiet for a few moments after he said it was okay before shaking my head. "It's not though.." I said shaking my head slightly. "I never meant to hurt you.. And every time I tried to come and tell you I thought about what Riyann told me and I didn't want you to get hurt." I said shaking my head again. I thought I'd calmed down more but I guess I was a bit more tense again now that he let go of me.
I didn't want to put him in danger.. I mean, it's bad enough when you're a wizard and get attacked, but if you're muggle you're pretty much helpless.
I wish this would stop being awkward now.. I just wanted us to go back to normal.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

"No, I suppose it's not," I nod after a brief few seconds spent contemplating whether to be honest or just pretend that this really is all okay.
I wouldn't have gotten hurt, would I? And even if that was the case, I could have gone with her, or I could have at least known that she was okay, somewhere, even if we did have to be apart.
"It's not your fault..." I decide to say eventually, "It just...got handled badly."
There, now there's a bit of insight. Handled badly.

[Lilian Parker]

I nodded faintly, taking my eyes off of him for a moment and looking down at the floor for a moment. I guess that was a good explanation for it. It got handles badly. By me, yes. But at least he seemed okay with it.. Sort of.
I walked back over to him and hugged him again, letting out a small sigh. "I missed you so much.. All I did was think about you."
I hadn't even thought about the fact that he should come with me. That would solved everything. Well nearly everything.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

I hug her back lightly.
At least it's not hard to be close to her. That hasn't gone away or anything and I don't feel so uneasy this way.
"I missed you too."
That goes without saying, really. I missed her every day, excessively, so much that it hurt but I suppose that's fairly obvious.
"Love you so much, Lil."

[Lilian Parker]

I smiled faintly and nodded a bit, letting out a small sigh, leaning my head against his chest for a moment before looking back up to him. "I love you too." I said back him, fairly quietly. I paused again, nearly saying sorry again.. but how many times could I say that? Maybe I would wait a bit longer and then say it again. Even though I really had no clue what to say now.
"... Now what?" I asked looking away from him for a moment before moving my eyes back up to his. I was still standing relatively close to him with my arms around his neck as I said this and I wished that I actually knew what I should do. But I had no clue.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

I smile slightly.
It's good to hear that again, good to know, but she raises a very good question too.
Now what, indeed?
Is it actually possible for things to go back to how they were before? Because that would be ideal. I guess even if that is possible, it wouldn't be instant.
"I don't know," I answer after a moment.
I'm still standing close to her because she has her arms round my neck, and I have one arm round her waist but am leaving the other free by my side. More freedom that way.
I pause a moment before leaning down slightly to kiss her briefly.
It's just occured to me I haven't kissed her yet either.

[Lilian Parker]

I wish I could just snap my fingers and make things go back to normal. Or... I don't know what else actually. I just want things back to the way they were. I didn't want to have to work at something like that. Shouldn't it just be able to come back?
I smiled faintly when he finally leaned down to kiss me and moved up a little bit more so I could kiss him back. I had realized that it'd been a while since I showed up and we hadn't kissed yet, but even though I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to wait to see if he actually wanted to kiss me. So I was glad he made the first move this time.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

This feels strange...sort of new because it's been so long. It's strange to think that a few months ago we were going to get married and everything was so set in stone and so obvious, and now I don't even know if we're going to be able to last this out until things get back to normal.
I cup her face gently in my free hand, smiling lightly and involuntarily against the kiss.

[Lilian Parker]

I felt him smile lightly against the kiss and smiled slightly back before deepening the kiss a little bit.
This whole thing was pretty strange.. and now I was starting to wonder if he even wanted to marry me anymore. I know that he loves me.. but who knows if anything was even going to be the way it was before.
Even though I didn't want to, I think I was adding that to my list of things to ask him.

[Jonathon Carlisle]

I wonder why nothing can ever just be simple.
I like kissing her, sure, but it doesn't quite feel right when I don't know what's going to happen. I like things to be secure and at the moment they're not.
So I break the kiss after a moment, resting my forehead against hers for a moment before straightening up with a slight sigh.

[Lilian Parker]

I let him break the kiss and leaned my forehead back against his for a short moment before he straightened up. I bit my lip for a moment, sliding my hands from behind his neck so they were on the front of his chest. I stayed like that for a moment longer before moving my hands off him completely.
"Do you.." I paused for a moment, looking at the floor for a short second before back up to him. "Do you still want to marry me?"

[Jonathon Carlisle]

"Of course I do," I answer immediately, because I do.
But then I hesitate and add after a brief pause, "If you want still want to, of course."
Then I add nearly immediately afterwards, "It's just...I guess things aren't going to go back to normal straight away, right?"