irritable

[Fitzy Patricks]

If there is one word that might best describe my life in its entirety, I think it might be ‘irritable.’ Which is really fucking sad. What kind of person can sum up their life with a word like that?

Of course, come to think of it, ‘pathetic’ might work also… but maybe not for all of it. The past few years have been pretty good, up until the whole Melody thing. And then even that was getting to be okay, up until some moron decided to reinstate the war. Now, I find myself thinking on occasion that I really kind of wish I’d let my daughter die.

On the upside, it seems like maybe whoever it was already got bored with the idea, or killed. There’s only been one meeting I’ve been to, and since then I’ve mainly just been skulking around, clueless and getting annoyed. Not that I’d adore getting some sort of order or anything, but at least I’d know what the hell is going on. This whole new deatheater movement, or whatever it is, seems even more disorganized than the Order was back then.

I want to go home, back to the actual life I was starting to have. I want to be certain that this was just some weird fluke, and nothing is actually starting again and maybe I was just hallucinating and I’m not under any sort of obligation and it’s okay to remember where the hell I left Melody and go home.

Because if that doesn’t happen soon, I’m going to get so irritable I start acting like the deatheater I’ve promised to become again. Already I’m skulking around Knockturn Alley, glaring at anything that moves and a lot of things that don’t. But soon, very soon, I am going to start killing and torturing… unless I find out I don’t have to.

[Riley Pearson]

Really, I knew I shouldn't be doing this.. again. Lately, no matter where I was walking, I seemed to just zone out and become completely unaware of where I was going.
And even though I didn't know it right now, it was happening again. Maybe I should try to work out that problem. Because I've found myself in a lot of places I would just rather not be and bumping into people that I would rather not bump into.
But today, I just couldn't help it. I had too many things to think about. I talked to the girls again, letting them cool off a bit before I did though. The last thing I wanted was to get something thrown at me. Needless to say, they had considerably calmed down. I tried to explain to them what was going on, without giving them details and even though it didn't work at first, eventually they realised I wasn't going to give them reasons. And that I definately wasn't going to let them visit her. I made it very clear that they were not stepping foot into that place until I legally couldn't stop them. Even though I would rather just tell them they couldn't go, ever.
But not only that, I was still feeling guiltly for liking Arden... then at the same time, I was feeling pretty weird for liking her. The last time I saw her was so strange and I was wondering if it was going to stay like that. Hopefully not, but I guess there wasn't much I could do if that did end up being the case. All I knew was that I did like her and that I didn't know what the hell we were, or were close to being.
I guess I was thinking about too much because when I finally lifted my head, I found myself in a place where I didn't recognise. And after observing the area around me, I realised that I had landed myself in a place I definately didn't want to be. Knockturn Alley. I bit my lip a little bit, looking around before turning around and deciding to try and find my way out now.
After a few moments, that was when I saw Fitzy. But just Fitzy, which sort of made me wonder where Melody was. Maybe with Arden? Maybe Fitzy already went to talk to her and dropped her off? That's really what I was hoping.

[Fitzy Patricks]

A sudden, startling sound makes me straighten up from where I'm leaning against a wall, immediately wary although I think the only reason it was so startling is that I've about reached the point where my eyes glaze over. Just some guy turning the corner, a guy whom I immediately dismiss as totally harmless. I don't know why exactly, but I guess he just gives off an aura of harmlessness... and about two seconds later I go back to being as bored as before, wariness gone.

"If you're looking for a broom shop or something, I think you're in the wrong place," I call out, only half-interested... but at least it's something. I have to clear my throat about halfway through, voice a little rusty with disuse, but for me that's pretty normal.

[Riley Pearson]

He spoke to me a few moments later and I raised an eyebrow slightly. I guess he didn't recognise me? Then again, when was even the last time I spoke to him?
"I wasn't.. and I know." I said nodded faintly over to him, wondering how long it would take for him to know who I was.
Even though he only sounds half-interested while speaking to me, I don't really want to approach him quickly, or say I know who he is, because I honestly don't know how jumpy he is. The last thing I want is a wand on me in the middle Knockturn Alley.
I really don't like it here and I sort of wish I couldn't wandered and found him in another - safer - location.

[Fitzy Patricks]

"So are you here on purpose then?" I ask, dryly enough to make it pretty clear how unlikely think that is. This will probably insult him if I'm wrong, but somehow... he actually seems a bit familiar. Like... someone I saw at one of Lilith's stupid picnic things that she invites family and friends too more often than I'd like because for some reason I usually feel obligated to make an appearance. So he's a friend of Lilith's then, or Arden's, because a lot of them are considered quasi-family and wind up showing up at things like that, but anyway therefore I'm right because other than Hunt and Andrews, most of Arden's friends are the tame, non-Knockturn Alley sort of people... and most of Lilith's are muggles.

[Riley Pearson]

"Oh yeah.. completely." I said slightly sarcastically. I'm sure that would know I wasn't being serious in saying that and well, really, if it wasn't Fitzy, I wouldn't've have said that. I wasn't really threatend by him.. but then again, I didn't really know if I should be.
It doesn't seem like he's recognised me yet.. I didn't really have anyway to tell if he did or not.
"I think you know me well enough to know I don't belong here.." I added a moment later, deciding it best to maybe just say that yes, I did know him.

[Fitzy Patricks]

I don't quite manage to suppress a sigh at that, ignoring his first comment completely as it wasn't even clever use of sarcasm. "I don't suppose you'd be kind enough to tell me why the hell I recognize you, would you?"

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded faintly, "Sorry.." I said looking over to him. I guess maybe I could have introduced myself. I really wasn't sure what I was thinking anymore. Maybe my problem now was that I've done too much thinking and now it's just too late and I can't handle any more information?
"I'm Arden's friend.. Riley." I said nodding slightly over to him. "Have you seen her lately, by the way?" I asked a moment later.

[Fitzy Patricks]

Oh... right. Now I recognize him properly. Decent sort... Arden's friend... Riyann's idiot husband... got it.
"Not since she took off to go safariing in Africa or whatever the hell it was," I say, still dryly. "What, she didn't tell you either?"
I'm really quite resentful of that. If she hadn't disappeared I could've dumped Mell with her, and not wound up running into this idiot here's half-psychotic wife and roped into joining my old comrades.

[Riley Pearson]

I shook my head slightly, "Oh, no.. sorry." I started off before going into an explanation. I guess it did sort of sound like I didn't know she left though. "I knew she left.. she's back now.. she was just.. sort of worried..." I told him, smoothing some of my hair down. "Since she hadn't seen you or Mel.." I told him. "Wondering where you've been, I think."

[Fitzy Patricks]

"She's back now...." Oh, jesus, well that is just perfect, I think, barely resisting the urge to hammer my head back into the brink wall behind me. And she's wondering where I've been?
"Well, when you next see her, let her know that I don't even know where the hell Melody is, and I've been perfectly dandy since your wife threatened to kill the kid in order to rope me into joining the deatheaters again."

[Riley Pearson]

I wasn't sure what to say first. He didn't know where his daughter was and Riyann threatend him? I wasn't sure what to say. My first reaction was to yell at him though. How could he not know where his daughter was? What did he do, just leave her somewhere? I was all of a sudden very worried and really wanted nothing more than to go look for her right now. I knew what it was like to have a child missing and well, it wasn't pleasent and this was sort of like reliving it. Though, honestly, he didn't seem to upset about it.
".. What do you mean, you don't know where she is?" I asked shaking my head slightly, wanting to make sure of what he meant by that.
"Ex-wife now... And you won't have to worry about her anymore.." I added slightly quietly about Riyann. "Azkaban."

[Fitzy Patricks]

Oh... well, I left her someplace because I was getting sick of her presence, and now I'm not sure where it was and have been carefully clamping down on any feelings of worry because I can't be bothered with it now.
Somehow, even given our fairly limited history, I kind of have the feeling he won't take this very well, so I ignore the question.
"Well, I guess that's yet another reason this is all stupid and I ought to just go home," I mutter finally. "If she's where she deserves to be, nobody else seems to care what I do, and threats against a kid I don't even have anymore are really kind of worthless...." I shake my head disgustedly, furious with myself. "You ever wake up one day and realize you've been a moron your entire life?"

[Riley Pearson]

He didn't answer me and I felt a bit sicker. I didn't know what silence meant exactly, but if he didn't want to answer the question my guess was that it wasn't something I wanted to hear.
"Go home?" I asked raising my eyebrows faintly. "No, you have to look for Melody." I told her keeping my eyes on him. If he wasn't going to, I knew I was. "And yeah, I guess they are.. What was she going to do anyway? I doubt she could ever hurt a little girl." I said shaking my head a little bit.
"Um.. yeah, pretty much." I answered him, nodding lsightly, glad that he's finally realised that hiself. Especially with leaving his own child somewhere.

[Fitzy Patricks]

How in the hell do you look for a 1-year-old kid who you think you left somewhere in Diagon Alley?
I don't think that would go over well either, and also have to admit that if I misplaced my kid two months ago, I'd probably hate myself for it. Most likely the change is not a good sign.
"I doubt that you thought she's kill your own sister," I say finally, somewhat distractedly as I'm still brooding over this.

[Riley Pearson]

I don't say anything back at his right away and just stare at him. Even though I hated thinking about that, he had quite a good point there. There wasn't much of a difference was there? I also took note that it was much more difficult hearing someone else say that than hearing myself say it. It just seemed all the more real when I heard it come from someone's elses mouth.
"Sorry.. you're right." I said shaking my head a little bit. Actually, now that I was thinking about this. I was being awfully civil her.. especially for what she's done.

[Fitzy Patricks]

"There's a first," I mutter in response, surprisingly not being sarcastic. Odd that when I'm at my most unfeeling, uncaring, I also tend to be less of egomaniac.

[Riley Pearson]

I sighed slgihtly, biting my lip a little bit. Okay... now it's quiet.. And it stayed quiet for a little bit longer after that. "Well.. how long ago did you lose her?" I asked frowning slightly again now, talking about Melody.

[Fitzy Patricks]

I close my eyes briefly, inferring pretty quickly who he's talking about despite the vagueness, and try to think back. "A couple of weeks... I don't know."
This is my first experience with partial, probably deliberate amnesia, or whatever the hell it is, and it seems pretty ridiculous, not to mention frustrating. "I may have possibly handed her to someone and mentioned Lacey's name, so it's not like I just left her in an alley," I add in my own defense, ninety percent positive of this.

[Riley Pearson]

"Okay.. that could be worse I guess." I said quietly, shaking my head a little bit, ruffling my hair a bit more.
"It's not much better if you gave her to a complete stranger!" I said slightly louder, getting slightly more frustrated as the seconds passed by. "... Have you checked with Lacey?"

[Fitzy Patricks]

I laugh slightly at that, shaking my head. "You think I would have left her with a complete stranger, or even kept her so long in the first place if I knew where the hell Lacey was?"

[Riley Pearson]

"That's what it sounded like." I told her shaking my head faintly. "And no I guess not." I added with a slight sigh. "Who'd you leave her with then?" I asked him, hoping that he remembered and feeling a bit better.

[Fitzy Patricks]

"Like I said, no idea." I shrug slightly, wondering if he's being dim.

((Sorry for any confusion - what he said was that he did leave her with a stranger, but only because he doesn't know where to find Lacey.))

[Riley Pearson]

[[ oh xD .. oops, lol... sorry, i read that wrong, blah, lol ]]

I shook my head slightly, guessing that I must've heard him wrong or something. So he did leave her with a stranger. Great. That's just wonderful. "I must've heard you wrong before... Why.. in the world would you leave your child with some random person?"

[Fitzy Patricks]

I half-suppress a sigh again, shaking my head. "Because, as I already mentioned, my first two... no, three... choices had already been eliminated. Arden was god-knows-where, Shelby is also a deatheater so it wouldn't exactly have accomplished my goal, and even if I could've found Lacey there's a pretty good chance she wouldn't take her."

[Riley Pearson]

So I guess he did already explain that. I just couldn't seem to get it through my head that he just left his daughter with a complete stranger. There had to be someone else. "And there wasn't anyone else you could've possibly left her with"?

[Fitzy Patricks]

This is a question that I think calls for me to hit my head back against the brick wall... though not too hard. "In all honesty... yes, I could definitely have found someone else. Lilith or Meredith... hell, I could've looked up your address and left the kid there. But I wasn't really thinking at the time."

[Riley Pearson]

"I guess not.. and yeah, you definately could've.." I said shaking my head slightly. ".. Aren't you at least slightly uset about this?" I asked him next wondering how he was being so calm. Then again, he was the one who gave her to a complete stranger.

[Fitzy Patricks]

I have to think that over for a moment, which probably is in itself an indication that the answer is no. Finally I shrug. "Well... not especially. To be perfectly honest, she's probably a lot better off wherever she is now than she ever was with me."
Which doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not bothered.

[Riley Pearson]

I honeslty didn't know what to say anymore.. not that I really knew what to say before, but I just couldn't get past the small fact that he left her. I shook my head faintly, "Well, I hope so.." I said after a while. "I just wish I knew where she was."