Try and Decide;;Arden

[Riyann Servansikk]

I'm starting to wonder if anything can ever go right, with me, with my life, my family, anything, and lately I've been leaning towards no. It can't even be normal for a few days before something new is thrown in or I do another thing stupid.

And the things I've done are pretty stupid and starting to add up again.

One thing is, though, I can honestly say that Riley didn't lose any of my trust, if that can make sense. Sure he said he didn't know how much more he could take, and well I cheated on him with Shell, before he had his memory back and then sort of a little bit after that Shell and I were kissing. Hey, good thing it was only kissing though. But, really, I think he only shocked me, nothing like losing my trust. Which he probably thinks he really did.

And now I've brought both Shelby and Riley into this whole little situation of not knowing who I love more, and I'm pretty sure one of them is going to kill me, I don't exactly blame them.

Right now I was walking. Plain old walking and thinking at the same time. I hadn't lied to Riley when I put down in the note that I needed time to think about everything, who I loved more, if I'd ever stop all of this running away from problems and doing things that I regret.

Only thing was, Shelby was the only other place I could stay, and it was a plus that I loved her. I just couldn't stay at home and pretend everything was going to be fine, that everything between us was fine.
Even if how I was doing things this time was stupid beyond stupidity, I didn't know how else to handle this.

Biting my lip, another thing came to mind.
The twins.

But I didn't want to think about that, how they were going to hate me even more, even if I put that on myself.

[Arden Patricks]

For a muggle-ized hermit, I'm sure getting out a lot lately... and in the wizarding world no less.
I sigh very slightly, trying to remember why in the hell I'm here this time, because my mind has gone temporarily blank.
Whatever it was, I hope it was urgent, because if not then I'm an idiot. Why would I willingly come here? I don't want to be around people right now. I have my ups and downs of course, and I'm not always a hermit... but today is one of the days, I think, that I should have just stayed home.
I look briefly around the crowded street, sigh again, and then nod as I turn around. Yes, I'm going back home. I'll come back another time when I remember why I'm bothering. Stupid to go on an errand when you can't remember what the errand is.
And when you have a chance of running into someone you'd much rather not, I add, freezing slightly as I turn and see Riyann.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I couldn't decide which was worse, trying to figure everything out in one day, as I was making the attempt to do so, or seeing Arden. Which was sad, think that it was possibly worse to see Arden, as she used to be a friend. I don't much think I can actually call her that anymore, which is just as sad because all they did was kiss and I didn't know what all happened, just the fact that they kissed.
Didn't mean I should want to see her either.

But I did when I glanced up to see her freeze for a moment and I just stopped walking, hoping that maybe she, like me, didn't want to have the whole run in with each other or talk about anything.
Because I'm not sure if there is anything that I have to say to her.

Still part of me told me to talk to her and that it probably wasn't her fault. Not like it mattered to me anymore if she kissed him. I left him, didn't I?
Only because he went out to get drunk and I decided I needed to think.
Yeah, perfect reason for leaving your husband. Run away from the problems like always.
"I hate me." I muttered to myself.

[Arden Patricks]

I stop with the deer-in-the-headlights thing after too long a moment, dropping my gaze to the ground and trying to remember what I'm doing. Right... that's right. Going home. But I have to pass Riyann in order to do it.
But I'm good at avoiding people, right? I should be anyway.
And I do in fact manage to sidle through the crowd, murmuring incoherent 'excuse me's' with my eyes on the ground, until I pass Riyann and stop short, hearing what she's just said.
I can't just leave it at that; so I slowly turn around again, sighing very slightly.
"Why would you hate you?" I ask, not sure if she'll acknowledge I'm speaking to her or not but having to give it a try.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Especially since 'thinking' involved leaving him for his cousin.
Yeah, brilliant thinking there.
I hadn't expected Arden to walk past me or anything, or hear what I muttered to myself, because really, it was for me to hear and I didn't exactly want her to hear my problems. If they were even problems. And besides, it was my own fault. Guess what thoughts are for, keeping what you want to yourself.
Unless they can read your minds.
Which I'm pretty sure Arden couldn't because. I dunno.

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked, looking over at her with almost a glare before I looked away, not exactly wanting to glare at her.
Still she probably saw the look and heard in my tone of voice I didn't want to share any of it. Most of all, not with her.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug, averting my eyes from her glare when she looks up. "Unfortunately, I really haven't got a specific answer to that because it isn't supposed to require one. That doesn't mean I thik she should hate herself. I just think all of this is quite a mess, really.

[Riyann Servansikk]

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her shrug and just looked back at her again, wondering why I was hanging around to most likely say or do something stupid and that I'll regret later. I know it'll happen at some point during this little run in.
"Exactly." I muttered when I heard her answer, averting my gaze to look past her like there was something more important in the wand store.
There wasn't.
Just lots of dust. Lots and lots of dust.

[Arden Patricks]

I wince very slightly. Definitely shouldn't have replied that way then.
"No, that's not what I meant. Of course there are reasons that you shouldn't hate yourself. I can't exactly think of any, but that doesn't mean you should hate yourself."
I'm not even sure why I'm bothering, as I know how easy it is to hate yourself and difficult to stop. Guilt, mainly, I suppose. And the fact that she's a friend. Either of those is reason enough all by itself, of course.

[Riyann Servansikk]

I just laughed bitterly to myself. This conversation was reminding me of the one that Riley and I had after I left him the first time. The one where I said I was a screw up, he said I wasn't, I told him to give me four things that I hadn't messed up, and then he had no answer. Only this conversation it was about whether or not I should hate myself and I didn't even need her to give me reasons. She couldn't think or find any as it was.
"I can't find one." I said, shaking my head a little, feeling slightly more than pathetic with this.
I was trying to talk with a friend that kissed my husband, that my husband kissed, about why or why not I should or can hate myself.
A little more than pathetic, yes.

[Arden Patricks]

I look at her a moment, biting my lip, and then shrug. "Can you find reasons for the opposite? Reasons to hate yourself? It's like arguing whether there's a deity. Just because there's no proof there is doesn't mean that there's proof there isn't. But you're not a horrible person, anyway, so if that counts at least you have something.

[Riyann Servansikk]

"Because I over-reacted when I found out that both you and my husband were kissing, and then I ended up telling him that I slept with his cousin, again. And then I left and now I'm staying with her. Why can't I hate myself for that?" I asked, glaring at her again. There was something to hate myself for, and what she said didn't much count.

[Arden Patricks]

"Because if you don't mind my saying so, it's a bit of an overreaction again," I say, becoming very interested in something slightly above her head when she mentions the mess with me and Riley. "But... look, never mind. Go ahead and... never mind. I don't know. I'll just leave you be." I shrug, turning around again to continue on my way. I very nearly say, dismissively, 'go ahead and hate yourself,' but luckily decided to think before I spoke for once. I think that might send the wrong message, somehow.

[Riyann Servansikk]

She just wasn't going to get it and I shouldn't have to explain myself to her. "Maybe it is. Seems all I'm good at as it is." I called softly to her back as she started walking away and rolled my eyes. And that could be one of the things Arden's better at, leaving me be. Well, I wish she was a little better at it, because I know she's not. She kissed Riley and then she tried talking to me after the fact, trying to be a friend and then changing her attitude about it all.

I really have no reason to hate her, it was a bloody kiss, and like Riley pointed out I've done worse. Doesn't make me feel better, but it was true, even if I had a different perspective on that. Key word, had. Now I was just agreeing with him again, on most things at least.

It wasn't even a moment later, but I turned away from her and started walking the way I'd been going, my eyes towards the ground and accidently bumping into people before just sitting down in the middle of the walk way, trying to once again think.