Wish [Maddie]

[Ian Hunt]

I wish I wasn't here, I wish I wasn't here, I wish I wasn't here...
I think there might be something wrong with me, this place is giving me a seizure of some kind. I keep having to stop and close my eyes for a few seconds before I can carry on, but when my eyes are closed and I try and turn off my head, I manage too well and then I forget to breathe so I have to open them again and keep going.
I hate this place. I hate this place so much.
It's beyond hatred though, hatred I can deal with very well. What I feel here, now, for this place, is beyond that. Not only do I despise it, but I'm terrified of it.
I've been scared of this place for as long as I can remember. From when I was a kid, and Scott would repeat all the stories he'd heard from our parents to Rowan and I, and then all the things he'd picked up at school, because he liked to try and scare us. Then during my adolescence, when the threat became so much more real because it was hanging over my head and I realised I'd avoid anything to come here. Michael and Liam got sent here, Michael died here, and well...the way Liam is now speaks for itself. He spent three years in this place and he just...he reminds me of...well, just dead. My uncle got sent here when I was 19, and I got it in the neck from the rest of the family because I was way too terrified to come here to just...to see him, and then he died in here too. People die in here, and you can really feel it.
Then, of course, not even three years ago, I gave up my family so I could run away, just to avoid coming here. And now here I am. I'm here.

I wish I wasn't.

But more than that, I wish Maddie wasn't.
I'd save her, I would. If there was any way to get her out of here, I would. If I could trade with her, and I'm surprised at myself for thinking it, but I would.
I am trying. I've even been to the bloody ministry of all places. I've spoken to all of the aurors that I know, and a lot of them that I don't know, but either they're incompetent or they really don't like me, because nothing is happening.
I can hardly say that to Maddie though. I'm pretty sure that she must have come to that conclusion, by now.
I'm not even sure if it's been that long, but it feels it.

Things are falling apart at home already.
To think, there've been times over the past few weeks where Alex and I have actually gotten along. Nope, it's all disappeared because I wasn't there when they needed me, because it's my fault that she got taken away, because if I'd been there I could have stopped him from taking her, apparently. According to him.
Poppy seems to have taken the same view, Abby doesn't talk much anyway.
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I'm used to babysitting them, but...I'm not used to this.
I don't know what to do.

The hopelessness is even worse here, surrounded by dementors. I'd quite like to just turn around and walk away and never ever come back here, or drop dead where I stand, either or.
Everything is so much worse here, and things that I've long since moved past, long since got over, long since forgotten...they're all as fresh as if they happened yesterday here.
And I can't dredge up anything. Every good thing I try and think of, something bad crushes it. I try and think of the day Alex was born, but no, I think of losing Aaron immediately, I think of how Alex is with me now, I think of how he told me hated me with such honesty right before I left because I refused to take him here with me to see her. I won't expose my son to this place.
I'm unwilling enough to be here myself.

I know where the cell is though. I've been here once in the past few days she's been in here. Once and it's already scarred right inside my head. I remember exactly where she is.
I hesitate for a moment, walking reasonably quickly past Logan's cell without glancing in at all, not even briefly, then come to a hault by the bars of Maddie's cell.
When she's out of here, and that's a when not an if, I don't think I'll ever forget having to talk to her through bars.
"Maddie?" I murmur softly, not wanting to raise my voice. It doesn't feel right to raise my voice in here.

[Madeline Speare]

I've already lost track of how many days it's been since I've been here but all I know is I want out. I want out so badly.
I'm a wreck, and I can already tell I'm going mad.
It's not like I had much weight to lose in the first place, and my skin feels like it's stretched out over my ribs that whenever I start to cry it feels like it's threatening to rip open. Already this place is taking it's toll on me.

I can hear my name, but I make no move to turn around to see who my visitor is this time. Usually I would be huddled in the corner, crying, screaming, not today. I was on my side on the cot against the wall, my back to the bars. I couldn't stand looking at the bars. They kept taunting me. Everything did.
Liam had been here yesterday. He hadn't said anything, he just looked at me, then moved over to Logan's cell where they would argue over something or other.
Charlie, Nathan and Jack had come the day before. Jack had been speechless the entire time, Nathan kept murmuring how this was wrong, and how he was going to fix everything. Charlie, god I had gotten the dirtiest look from Charlie. He kept saying how he was disappointed in me. After ten years it was only now that he found out about my Dark Mark. I hate it here. I hate it
"Go away," I whisper softly, closing my eyes tightly in an attempt to keep the voices in my head silent.
"Let me die,"

[Ian Hunt]

"Maddie, please," I raise my voice, but only very very slightly, "Come here."
I wish I didn't have to see her this way and I'm almost tempted to turn around and walk away now so I don't have to.
But I'm not that selfish.
No, not selfish for once. Just pathetic, terrified, and pretty frustrated. I'm trying, but nothing is happening and I'm getting more desperate and I need to get her out of here.
I'm not sure how long she'll last in here otherwise.

[Madeline Speare]

My eyes flutter open, and I force myself up.
It's as if this place is sucking the life right out of me, and I need something to make me happy. It's Ian.
He's always been able to make me happy, and I'm hoping it'll be enough this time.
A part of me knows it's not.

"Ian," I mumble softly, leaning against the bars, pushing a lock of hair back behind my ear."Tiger,"

[Ian Hunt]

"Hey," I murmur, gently reaching through the bars to take hold of her hand lightly.
'Are you alright?' is a stupid question, and I don't think I'm going to ask that. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say though.
I'm still debating on whether or not to let Alex get his way and come in here to see her. I'm not sure if it'll help or not, or just make everything worse, and I don't want him exposed to this place, but it's not right to stop him coming to see his mother.
Because honestly, I have no idea when she'll get out of here, or if she will at all. I can't see it happening and the lack of things being done are really sort of...despairing. She's got to get out though, because this isn't how it's supposed to be.

[Madeline Speare]

I try to smile weakly, but I can't even managed that anymore. The best I can do is link my fingers with his, and give his hand a weak squeeze.
I'm not sure what else I can do at this moment that won't result in tears on my behalf. 'How are you?' just won't cut it 'cos I can bet he's as miserable as I am.
'I miss you' he has no idea how much I miss him. I can't sleep without him next to me, so the past couple of nights have been hard.
"How are things as home?" I ask softly, keeping my gaze on the floor.

[Ian Hunt]

"Alright," I mumble with a small half-hearted shrug, linking my fingers with hers.
They're not alright, of course things at home aren't fucking alright. I'm quite familiar with Alex hating me, but I'm not familiar with him telling me on a regular basis. I can't walk into a room without it being hurled at me, which means that I can't do anything to help him, which means he's getting more and more miserable, and in turn more and more protective over Abby. The only times I've got to hold her in the past couple of days have been when he finally gives in and falls asleep on the couch, because he won't go to bed because I'm the one that tells him to so he won't listen.
She's not been gone all that long, but things have fallen apart so drastically it's hard to recognise that.

[Madeline Speare]

"Are the kids okay?" I ask softly. God only knows that damage I've put on Alex and Abby. I'll never forigve David for taking me away infront of them.
I miss everyone, I never been away from them for more then two days and I know it's been more then that. I don't even know how they're getting Abby to sleep without singing to her.

[Ian Hunt]

"They're fine," I mumble, dropping my gaze at that.
Fine is an overstatement.
Of course there's Alex in his stubborn state that won't do anything I tell him to, which means that he'll just fall asleep wherever he is or won't eat until he either has to, or I get someone else to try and make him. I wish he wasn't so stubborn. And I really wouldn't know how Abby is, as by the law of Alex I'm no longer allowed near her.
I suppose Maddie's right, and I am a pushover, but I don't want to even try to be...stern or whatever it is I'm supposed to be with them right now because there's no guarantee that I'll keep my temper and I'll probably just make things worse.
It's alright though, Claire and Matthew have practically been living with us since Maddie got taken away, and they do listen to her on occasion.
Poppy's insisted on coming home from school early, on the grounds that she knows what we're all like and that someone has to take care of things until Maddie get's home, because she is fiercely adamant that Maddie will come home. And she's been trying to keep everyone upbeat, just like she's done in times of crisis since she was about three, and we're not allowed to discuss the time that I caught her crying at the top of the stairs because she just denies that it ever happened.
No, the kids aren't really fine.
I wish I could say more than just giving her one word answers, but I really have no idea what I'm supposed to tell her.

[Madeline Speare]

I know it's not okay, I can tell just by his tone. I want to see them all so badly but I'd never risk them coming here. It's bad enough I'm making him come here.
"I'm going to die in here, aren't I?" I ask softly. Maybe it's not the best topic to bring up but I can't stand living in denial.
There's a lot of evidence against me, being part a Malfoy doesn't help me much either.

[Ian Hunt]

"Don't you dare say that," I mutter, "You're not. I'm getting you out of here, I promise. I'll get you out of here."
The ministry isn't one of my top places to be. I really don't like it in fact, maybe my second least favourite place, only to here. Both are risky places to go, otherwise it could be me where she is.
Although, key difference being that Maddie has hope of getting out. All we need is to get her a trial and then that's it, this'll be over and she can get out of here.

[Madeline Speare]

"How?" It's hard to keep the hysterical side out of my voice. It hasn't even been that long and I'm already going insane. I won't last long in here. Being optimistic won't help me this time around, and already I'm starting to lose faith. "I can't do this Ian, I can't."

[Ian Hunt]

"Don't say that," I murmur, tightening my grip on her hand slightly, "I'll get you out of here, Maddie. I promise. You won't have to be in here long."

[Madeline Speare]

I keep tight hold of his hand, trying to fight back the tears. "I shouldn't be here at all," I mumble softly.

[Ian Hunt]

I am essentially a coward, and I am - or so I realise now - quite afraid of her crying because I won't know what to do. Usually it's pretty easy to just pull her into a hug because then I don't have to see her cry and rely on my very lacking store of 'comforting things I'm supposed to say when someone cries'.
Now, I'm pretty much stuck because she's on the verge of tears and these bloody bars are in the way.
"I know," I mumble, "It'll be over though, soon."

[Madeline Speare]

"I hate this," I murmur softly, letting go of his hand and rubbing my palm against my cheek. I'm not about to cry infront of him. It's one thing to cry by myself in here but I will not allow to myself to cry infront of him. I can only put him through so much.
I slam my hand against the bar, before muttering darkly under my breath. "I just want to go home,"

[Ian Hunt]

I withdraw my hand as she lets go, almost relievedly as my arm was starting to ache from having it through the bars, then shove my hands into my pockets instead.
"I know," I mutter, because I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to say to her.

[Madeline Speare]

"I love you," I murmur softly after a moment, letting my fingers curl around the cold metal of the bars. "You should go home, I know you hate it here,"

[Ian Hunt]

"I love you too," I reply quietly, then shake my head slightly, "No, I'll stay."
I don't know. Last time I was here, what was harder than coming in was knowingly walking away. I don't think I can leave her here again, but I can hardly stay forever. I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Madeline Speare]

"Longer you stay harder it'll be to leave," I murmur softly,"Tell the kids I love them okay, you'll see, this'll all be over soon."

[Ian Hunt]

"Don't want to leave you here," I murmur softly, as if the phrase in itself wasn't childish enough.

[Madeline Speare]

"Hey. hey." I mumble softly, gently pushing my hand past the bar and letting my hand rest gently on the side of his face. "Don't worry, I'm a lion remember? Brave, and all that, it's gonna be okay." I wish I could believe myself.

[Ian Hunt]

I glance at her cynically for just a second before deciding to just go along with it and nod slightly.
"Do you want me to bring you anything tomorrow?"
I intend to come back tomorrow. I'm not going to get used to this, and tomorrow I doubt I'll want to come back, but I'm going to force myself to.

[Madeline Speare]

"Don't give me that look," I murmur softly,"Have to look on the brightside, remember?"
I bite my lip, not sure what to ask for, before finally nodding,"Picture of the kids?"

[Ian Hunt]

I can't help but give her the same look all over again at that. There really is no brightside to see right now.
I hesitate a moment, wondering if I can get them to co-operate for that long, before nodding, "Alright."

[Madeline Speare]

"We'll get through this, you'll see," I mumble softly, taking his hand again,"Our blood, our bond, remember?"

[Ian Hunt]

I squeeze her hand briefly, before murmuring, "Yeah, we'll get through this."

[Madeline Speare]

"We will," I nod,"I love you Ian."

[Ian Hunt]

"I love you Maddie," I reply under my breath. It doesn't feel quite right to say it in this place.

[Madeline Speare]

"Go home Tiger," I murmur softly. One of us deserves to be home.
After a moment, I turn back around, keeping my arms crossed tightly across my chest.
I don't I can handle watching him leave.