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Post by Logan Andrews on May 8, 2009 21:17:22 GMT
Well, I think that if I learned nothing else from the 'killing Natasha' episode...I learnt that it definitely pays to be sensible when dealing with the aftermath. I learnt that coming to the house, no matter what the time of day, covered in blood is not a good idea. I learnt that leaving the body in a place where it's going to be uncovered while it's practically still warm is not a good idea either, because then the news breaks too soon.
The news has broken now, of course, but it has been a few days at this point. There are no cracks in my outer shell this time, no visible psychological damage and no pressing need to confess, no evidence at all...not in me, in myself. Not sure why that is, except that maybe I've rediscovered my general lust for violence and sadism and maybe because I've been wanting to do it for a while and maybe it served a purpose.
Three purposes, actually, all at once. Now that is a nice piece of handiwork. Very beautifully crafted plan...except I think the beauty there lies in the fact that it just came together so well without me even having to orchestrate it...much anyway.
I do really enjoy it when things come together like that. It's highly satisfying.
Which is one of the purposes it's served of course. I am very satisfied, very content...finally having caved to temptation and scratched the itch and all. It's lovely, my mood is higher than it's been in a while and I'm not going to find myself twitching in crowded places while I try and desperately abstain. That's always a plus.
Another purpose, of course, is insurance. Well, now that this not-dead boyfriend is genuinely dead this time...I don't have to worry about that anymore.
That was one of the things that beautifully fell into place for me. The chance encounter and the chance opportunity because he's the sort of idiot who goes wandering after dark. Or not anymore. He's not going wandering after dark anymore.
Not doing anything anymore, least of all encouraging bouts of fickle whoring. So I'm insured, now he's dead.
But it's actually more than that, it's double insurance.
I found the wand lying around not so long ago, the wand that wasn't mine and the wand that wasn't Arden's...and I sort of figured that it'd probably be Riley's because no one else really comes here. And if it's not, then I don't really care either way...but I'm assuming, for the purposes of my own gratification, that it is. I'm assuming that someone will stumble upon the carelessly tossed aside wand and recognise the significance and then maybe it'll even get traced right back to him.
I should be so lucky, I suppose, but it'd be nice. That's the third purpose of course.
But maybe there's a fourth, a little ego boost in it for me as I happen across a discarded newspaper while walking which boasts of my handiwork. I tried to alter the modus operandi a little bit, disregarding the usual torture and just moving straight for the kill so it's not quite as suspect. Made an effort to conceal the evidence...a little bit. So maybe it's not obvious, but at least I know it's my crime, my success.
And I'm fully prepared with a 'I don't know anything about it'...just in case, but hopefully that won't be an issue.
It's done. Done and dead.
Ha.
Oh shut up.
So despite the absence of visible cracks in my mental response to this, I guess there are a few splinters, but no more than usual. No more than back years ago when I did this on a regular basis.
I don't know why so callous, why I've reverted back a few years mentally...but then again, I rarely know why I do anything.
But it's done, done and dead and I'm alright and I'm insured and I care precious little about much else, in this frame of mind...this post-murder calm confidence.
It also, as another bright side, means I don't really need as much time out walking to try and soothe whatever restless streak keeps me out for such stretches of time, meaning this has been a very short walk and I'm already ready to go home.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 9, 2009 4:16:42 GMT
I've decided that I can't do the dishes anymore. Not in the mindless, numb, anything-at-all-to-keep-myself-busy-so-I-don't-go-crazy sort of way. Because for quite a while, possibly forever, I am going to associate that particular activity with Logan being gone. And right now, I don't much want to think about Logan being gone, so I'm going to have to find some other numb activity.
I can't quite believe that he's dead. the evidence is staring me right in the face as soon as I sit at the table again - just as even-clearer evidence was staring me in the face about two hours ago, when I confirmed to the police and to myself that yes, that's Travis Elliot you've got there, covered in blood. No, we weren't together anymore. I'd already thought he was dead for several years. Hell, I still haven't quite gotten used to the fact that he's not. And now I won't have to because Greg woke me up this morning with an urgent call to go check the paper.
They said in the article that he carried out-of-date i.d. claiming him to be Travis Elliot, so I don't think the authorities actually needed me to confirm it. But I think my own peace of mind did, after the guy comes crawling from the woodwork three years after his death.
I still can't believe that he's dead. Again. When the last thing I told him was, "I'm sorry, but I love someone else now." And granted, that's still true - it's not as though Travis's untimely death has made me change my mind again and wish I was with him instead of Logan. But I do have to wonder, somewhere in that part of my mind that's full of self-loathing and blame, whether he'd still be alive if I hadn't picked Logan. If I'd just cut my losses and gone back to Travis once Logan took off... would the events of his life be different enough to save him, or would he still have embarked on whatever stupidity wound up getting him killed?
And if that stupidity in question happened to involve angering Logan... but no. No, absolutely not. It happened, according to the article, after we ran into each other and Logan came back home. So why would he kill a guy who's not even a rival? Why would he kill anyone, for that matter, when he's admitted to me that he can't? It doesn't seem like something he would lie about. So... no. Logan's in the clear. But someone else killed Travis. And if I sit here anymore I think that I'll go nuts... but I think I'll do that anyway.
I still can't believe that he's dead.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 16:44:57 GMT
It's pretty much only as I've let myself in that it occurs to me there might be a small problem with this situation...as in, I'm an average to fairly competent liar. I can do it believably, but I get bored with the whole maintaining of an act and either slip up or give it up.
So I don't know if there's any point or if it'd just be insulting to try.
But I suppose it's not an issue yet, and most likely will not be one so I shouldn't worry about covering all bases and just play the fucking part to the best of my ability.
It does sort of lead to a problem, however, when I head through to the kitchen and promptly don't know what it's appropriate to say. I'm not even sure whether she's heard her not-dead boyfriend is dead or not, because maybe it's my own understanding of events colouring my perception and making it seem like...yeah, she does look like she knows.
"Hey...you alright?" I ask after a moment.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 17:03:04 GMT
I look up with a start when Logan comes into the room, and give in to the impulse to get up and go kiss him.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I shrug casually, once I've done that. And I am. It's not like I'm falling apart over this. Even when it really sinks in, I'm sure it'll be just a dull ache. Not like losing Logan... hence the kiss. "You all right?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 17:14:10 GMT
I kiss her briefly back, shrugging faintly in response. "Yeah, I'm good."
Brilliant actually, invigorated and satisfied and generally content but that's not really relevant and not something I'm going to say.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 17:20:14 GMT
"Good," I nod, eying him a moment before backing off a bit, crossing my arms and looking at the floor. "So you haven't... haven't had any brief psychotic episodes or anything, have you?"
I wince inwardly at this, not wanting to accuse him and, honestly, not really wanting to know if the answer is yes. But if it's a no... as I really hope and believe... then what harm could there be in hearing that?
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 17:31:27 GMT
"Not lately, no." I answer, frowning slightly while I lean back against the counter. "Why?"
Fuck. It's quite difficult to lie directly to her face, not impossible...but more difficult than I fully anticipated.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 17:37:46 GMT
"Just... nothing," I shrug slightly, though it's not. But he doesn't generally lie to me, really, so I think I can relax a bit and even smile slightly before catching myself. "You know how I went out at seven in the morning today?" I ask, not even sure if he noticed but that's really not important. "It was because... Greg called - my stepdad - and told me that Travis had bee killed. So I went to see for myself because I didn't quite believe it." I shrug again, not looking at him because I expect... indignation or something similar, I suppose. "And... I just want to make sure it wasn't you," I add, voice shaking just slightly.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 17:48:46 GMT
"Hm." I say after a moment. I don't think I did notice that she went out at seven this morning, although maybe I did and just didn't think much of it.
"...Of course it wasn't me." I say finally, possibly slightly too indignant...although I imagine I would be indignant if she'd said that and I genuinely had nothing to do with it, so I pause very briefly and then add, "And you're...you're alright about this?"
And I don't mean completely alright, obviously, but as in 'there's not going to be any masochism, falling apart or suicide attempts, is there?' alright.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 17:56:35 GMT
"Just making sure," I shrug again, then pause - partly to decide what the answer is and partly how honest to be. "... Well, I can't exactly say that I'm thrilled," I say, laughing faintly without humor. "He... he didn't deserve to die like that. Or at all, really. But... as long as you're here, and... okay with me being upset.... I mean, I still loved him, Logan. That doesn't mean that I don't love you, but when it does sink in it is going to hurt. So just as long as you know that...." I shrug again.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 18:05:08 GMT
So I guess I made the right choice in getting rid of him then. If I get nothing else from that, I know that much. I've had enough of 'I love him, but that doesn't mean I don't love you' so it's a good thing he's out of the way, I guess, even if that reasoning is somewhat petty.
"That's understandable. If I can do anything..." I finish the sentence with a shrug, because there's probably nothing I can do to help anyway.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 18:10:46 GMT
I shrug in return, smiling weakly. "Not a whole lot, but thank you."
I think that it's starting to sink in now, actually. It's starting to hurt. But not too badly.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 18:19:05 GMT
I twitch a brief smile in response, then fix my gaze on the floor instead because it's a hell of a lot easier to look at that.
It really was hard to lie to her face like that and I don't think I overly wanted it to come to that, but then again...I don't feel at all bad about doing it int he first place.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 18:23:34 GMT
"Hey... are you okay?" I ask when he looks away. I don't know why I'm getting the vibe that he isn't - maybe just overreacting. But at least I'm not being self-absorbed.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 18:38:47 GMT
"Fine." I shrug. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Just wondering how long this is going to go on before I get caught in the lie, actually, mulling over how stupid this is...but still fully unable to regret something that bought me so much gratification.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 18:41:20 GMT
"I don't know." I shrug again. "Since when do I ever understand how your mind works?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 18:52:50 GMT
"Well, I don't get you either, so at least we're even." I reply, mostly for something to say rather than because it particularly needs to be said.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 18:56:50 GMT
"Right, sorry." I smile faintly. "... I just don't want... I don't know."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 19:03:06 GMT
I raise my eyebrows slightly, "You just don't want...what?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 19:09:57 GMT
"I don't know," I say again, shaking my head dismissively. "Between the... borderline accusation and... I just don't want us to fight again, I guess, so I want to make sure you're okay."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 19:19:41 GMT
"Ah...alright then."
I think we've got it a little backwards again, and I should be the one making sure she's alright but I've already asked and apparently she is...for now. I don't want us to fight either though, but then again it doesn't really seem like we're going to right now anyway.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 19:25:16 GMT
"Never mind." I shrug again, leaning back against the table. "So where were you today? Anything interesting happen?"
It's a stupid question, I know, but I may as well say something.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 19:31:17 GMT
"Just walking, and no...nothing interesting. How about you?" I nearly cringe after that, because she told me however many minutes ago she went to identify her not-dead boyfriend's corpse, so maybe that qualifies as interesting and was slightly tactless. Ah well.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 19:35:57 GMT
I grimace slightly at that, trying to not flash on the memory of what Travis looked like. "Nothing much, besides...." I shrug slightly, biting my lip.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 19:41:07 GMT
"Mm." I answer, grimacing faintly, "Right, sorry."
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 19:44:36 GMT
"'S'fine." I shake my head again. "I asked first, should've expected it."
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 19:49:09 GMT
"Yeah, guess so." I mutter.
Not much else to say to that, I guess. Not much else to say full stop.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 19:55:56 GMT
I shrug again, then look around the kitchen for something else to talk about and wind up seeing the dishes. Stupid dishes. One of these days I should smash the damn things.
But that's not exactly something to talk about.
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Post by Logan Andrews on May 11, 2009 20:02:50 GMT
This has probably gone on long enough, so I offer after a moment, "Want me to go away and leave you to it?"
I don't want to offend her by leaving, because sometimes it appears leaving without saying something first is the wrong thing to do.
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Post by Arden Patricks on May 11, 2009 20:06:55 GMT
"If you want," I say, looking up in surprise. The honest answer is 'no,' of course, but I'm not going to force him to stand here in silence while I grieve for another guy.
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